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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 2:15:31 AM | | I do enough chasing at work and on the field, I dont need or want to do it the rest of the time....if im interested i will show interest, if she doesn't respond, acts flaky (which is very common round these parts) or wants to play "hard to get" then i'll look elsewhere... i dont have the time nor energy for high school games anymore.... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 8:51:58 AM |
Ask any FBI investigator or any policeman. Ask a lawyer. Ask a pyschoanalyst...ask a counsellor.....
Some of the population can form thoughts and opinions with logic and objectivity rather than relying on consensus. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 9:04:29 AM | Oh FriendlyFreeSpirit,
I agree never pursue when the feelings are unrequited.....BUT, if they are I still believe that both woman and man need to: pursue=court=romance till time etirnity or the spark will go out...
Personally, if a man felt the need to pursue after I've made it clear I wasn't interested, I'd feel like I wasn't being listened to.
jmo,
Irish | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 9:16:23 AM |
Some of the population can form thoughts and opinions with logic and objectivity rather than relying on consensus.
Some...if they like it cold...
I like it warm....hot...stimulating, exciting...anticipatory....flirty....with the signals flashing back and forth between us. It kind of heats it up...and what makes it more fun is when you keep the dampers on by keeping the conversation at an intellectual level....
but then as you say....some operate as you have quoted....
I think I read somewhere that people who have trouble emotionally connecting with the opposite sex form thoughts and opinions of them with logic and ojectivity...almost like shopping for victims...you know the mentality that hunters get into when they hunt for ....deer or moose?
Oooops...I did it again, verity.. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 11:49:46 AM | | I've never met a man who wanted to pursue women. They all prefer for women to pursue them. It is only out of necessity, that they turn into pursuers. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 12:58:07 PM | Thank you for the compliment daisy...I tried to email you personally...but, you don't except emails from people who smoke...lol...
I guess I am thinking out loud most of the time when I post...and I think about this stuff a lot in personal time too...I am a bit weary of being told that who I am is wrong...like who can make that judgment? | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 1:22:29 PM |
If the woman takes the initiative, they think she is a desperate psycho.
Maybe they won't say so or show it, but in the back of their minds, at some point,
maybe not the first time it happens, they will get put off by it.
If a woman sends an email first, most men will be flattered. If, at a party or club, a woman comes up and has a casual conversation, most men will respond, and if attracted to her, try to move things along.
Pretty much as it is with women, by the way.
Neither men, nor women, much like it, when someone becomes "desperate" or acts "psycho". We're not talking here about someone who inundates you with email, when you've politely responded in a way that isn't encouraging further contact, or who chases you around in the real world.
I think the "real topic" has to do with the fact that some women, who read "The Rules" have the silly notion that "playing hard to get" will "work", and it may with the "needy", insecure types, but it "hooks" them on a dysfunctional need for "validation" and is fueled by "angst" rather than positive attraction. Most mature men will take "playing hard to get" as disinterest or "controlling" behavior, and will want little to do with it. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 1:27:26 PM | I've learned to accept no as an answer and move on. I've also learned that *maybe* isn't good enough. Maybe doesn't cut it.
That's about the extent of my pursuit. Anything more is trying to convince someone. If I have to convince her, then it's already too much effort.
Mike | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 1:40:31 PM | Can't believe I typed "except" instead of accept..lol...can't figure out why that happens sometimes...I know the correct usage...guess I am not perfect either...
I don't know, maybe my idea of pursue is way out of sync with what some men think..it isn't about playing hard to get or someone who I'm not interested in trying to convince me why I should be ..it is about a man I am interested in , and professes to be interested in me, acting like I matter, and making an effort to court/seduce, whatever you want to call it...I have wasted far too much time on men who see me as just one of many, or who think I should do all the work, or...who misrepresent how they do feel, or who are vague and wishy washy..or whatever...it is about finding a guy that really likes me and acts like it....and understands the importance of romance to me, and likes the dance, and the seduction...which is a match for me... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 1:55:11 PM | zangie...
am a bit weary of being told that who I am is wrong...like who can make that judgment?
Nobody can...they can try. It is in our constitution regarding free speech...
but ultimately it's you who can tell yourself if you've gone wrong.....So don't fret about what some posters wank about on here.
You have a gentle soul and it belongs to you only....
Stay true to you...and keep posting...you do give some interesting depths to certain views...and I like them.
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 2:04:18 PM |
understands the importance of romance to me, and likes the dance, and the seduction...which is a match for me...
Zangie, I "get it" in terms of wanting a guy, who acts like he likes you, cares about you, etc., and who isn't playing games with your head and heart. It's the "seduction" attitude that would leave me cold. It's premised on a man "having to earn it", and wanting you, while you remain "reluctant".
Either a woman "wants me" or she doesn't. I find no fault in her, if she doesn't, but I'm not going to continue on, if she's acting disinterested. I'm also not going to be in an "equality" based relationship, if it's my "role" to "pursue".
That doesn't mean that every first date has to be sexual. Most men can "read the signs", and tell where things are, but "seduction", as a concept, strikes me as a woman "caring less" and a man needing to be in the role of "supplicant", and that wouldn't work for me. It never has since high school. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 4:28:34 PM |
Some...if they like it cold...
I like it warm....hot...stimulating, exciting...anticipatory....flirty....with the signals flashing back and forth between us. It kind of heats it up...and what makes it more fun is when you keep the dampers on by keeping the conversation at an intellectual level....
but then as you say....some operate as you have quoted....
Wha?? I thought we were talking about your recommendation to getting consensus of thoughts and opinions from FBI investigators, policemen, lawyers, psychoanalysts or counsellors??
I think I read somewhere that people who have trouble emotionally connecting with the opposite sex form thoughts and opinions of them with logic and ojectivity.
Please try and recall and provide us with the source, or a link to that article, or any articles that follow that model. It would be helpful to the discussion.
Seeing as you have many friends who are in the business of psychological awareness, perhaps you let them have a look at your posts in these threads and give us their conclusions as to your opinions, your style of debate, you logic and reasoning, your misandry, your perpetual habit of going off topic and taking every opportunity possible to boast and give unsolicited and suggestive narratives on your femininity and sensuality.
The fact that you still have a profile up that is designed to entice men other than the man you continually boast about....
While were at it, let's get him in on it as well....
you know the mentality that hunters get into when they hunt for ....deer or moose?
No. I don't get the correlation. Deer hunters like deer. Moose hunters like moose. Bear hunters like bear. Hunters have preferences. So what? It's all meat...
Nobody can...they can try. It is in our constitution regarding free speech...
There is freedom of thought, freedom of speech, therfore they can. Sorry if some people can't deal with that.
Oooops...I did it again, verity..
Britney? Britney Spears?? Is that you again?
Do they have you strapped to a gurney again??.....
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 4:39:27 PM | I pursue if I see someone I like and I call when we have exchanged numbers when I wish. I am too old to not do as my heart and soul tells me to do. If this man is looking for an 'old school' gal I am not for him so I may as well know that right up front.
I don't wait for anybody anymore.........................the 'olden days have passed!!!'
Go on and do as you wish, with no regrets. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 4:44:21 PM | 
Ahhhhh...verity...what can I say?
To personally go after me like this...gosh..I don't even know you!
But...it is nice to see that you can go hot...and...heated...
I had always thought you were sort of cold... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 5:15:38 PM | In the end, no matter which gender does the initial pursuing, isn't it really about whether you can clearly see that someone is interested? And that he/she shows you some effort, so you know the interest continues? Whether or not you both pursue, whether you both make efforts, whether it's lopsided or equal, I'd say courtship is about BOTH people finding out if they can live happily with the way the other behaves.
And if someone's style of courtship isn't yours, but all he or she is doing is posting his/her views on the subject here, why does the discussion of those differences have to devolve into picking at each other's personalities? Yeesh, people! (I know--what an intolerant thing for me to say...)
--Ms. Flis | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 5:18:04 PM |
Sorry if some people can't deal with that.
Who says they can't deal with it? One can deal with something, and still not like it..the mistake is often made in my case that since I am generally polite and careful how I say things, and not too confrontational, and yes, kind hearted...that makes me weak. Nothing is further from the truth..I can say it bothers me that some posters feel the need to be mean and negative and insulting...without cowering in a corner crying about it....I just think it is bad manners , unproductive and and unnecessarily mean, and not just when directed at me...intelligent debate, IMO, does not need to get personal or nasty..but, don't think it intimidates me, or keeps me from saying what I think...
It's premised on a man "having to earn it", and wanting you, while you remain "reluctant".
I think this is another disconnect between how you (some men) think, and how I (some women) may think...it isn't about earning it..it is about turning me on..I , personally, and evidently some women are not, am turned on by how a man relates to me, how I feel when I am with him..not by his body or his looks ( nice things, but not the cause of physical responses in me), I don't want to have sex because of how he looks, but, because of how I feel about him, and how he treats me, and how he feels about me. It isn't something that can be "earned"...if it was, any man could do that, couldn't he?
It is something that is freely given when I am turned on and invested..the problem being, evidently , for men like you, that isn't something I feel with men I just meet...it is something that grows..I do not remain reluctant..I just don't engage till it's there, and in my case..it isn't there so soon, or so easily...just how I and my body respond..I have never had the kind of personality to manipulate, nor the looks to get away with it...it isn't about playing games , or testing...it is about not having sex until I really, really want to, for reasons other than just physical gratification? I never really, really want to until I get to know a guy fairly well..and I find sex for the fun of it boring and empty. Just how I am wired...not expecting all men, or even some women to understand it, or agree to it ( obviously I don't date men who think I'm weird...lol)...just accept that it isn't inherently wrong because they disagree? I am not playing reluctant virgin ( soooo far from the truth..lol..I grew up int 70's don't forget?)...I am operating by what works naturally for me...though I am sure some women do behave this way...I think it is a mistake to assume that all women who aren't into jumping into sex right away are playing some kind of game...some of us just prefer to go about it differently...because it's what feels natural or right for us...
Like most of us, I do what works best for me, and I haven't had any trouble finding men who either agree, or like me enough to give it a chance and see how it goes...on the fora, I get into these discussions because I enjoy intellectual debate, and sometimes, to be honest, it does feel good if a person who has thought I was nuts listens and at least agrees that I have a point? And because I also gain some insight or understanding....though usually about men, because women I usually get...and because it is in my nature to question... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 5:27:25 PM | .
it isn't about playing hard to get or someone who I'm not interested in trying to convince me why I should be ..it is about a man I am interested in , and professes to be interested in me, acting like I matter, and making an effort to court/seduce, whatever you want to call it.
Your point well taken zangie. Imo, if there is genuine interest and chemistry the pursue is is part of the romance.
The balance of each others attraction makes the pursue part of the fun with each other.
And if out, someone is going to be left holding the bag and that is the chance we all must
take or it wasn't meant to be. jmmho | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 5:37:00 PM | Ahhhhh...verity...what can I say?
Other than unjustly accuse someone of attacking you, I don't know.
To personally go after me like this...gosh..I don't even know you!
My post asks questions, makes a couple of comments, kindly requests information, contains an synopsis on your posts and profile, and what is true and plain for all to see, and a playful little joke.
I had always thought you were sort of cold...
To personally go after me like this...gosh..I don't even know you!
Or am I to construe that as a compliment?.... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 8:00:48 PM | Hmmmm,
It's so sad to see that some people feel that legitimate discourse includes baiting, taunting, trolling, flaming, off topic chat...and a variety of other quite obvious fora infractions that could result in....well a close look by the mods.....if so informed...
"and that's all I've got to say about that" said like Forest Gump | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 8:08:47 PM | I think this is another disconnect between how you (some men) think, and how I (some women) may think...it isn't about earning it..it is about turning me on.
Again, Zangie, if you aren't "turned on", you aren't "turned on". No one's right or wrong with that, but if in a relationship, I am naturally turned on by a woman, and she seems not to be turned on by me, I assume that she's "just not that into me" and either "move on" or "friend zone" her.
I'm not talking about foreplay with an established lover. That's another subject, but initially, if her interest isn't equal to mine, then I'll "equalize" it, by "turning off". | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 8:48:55 PM |
but if in a relationship, I am naturally turned on by a woman, and she seems not to be turned on by me, I assume that she's "just not that into me" and either "move on" or "friend zone" her.
The first few dates are not a relationship....they are a getting to know one another and seeing if there is a strong connection time...something I have noticed about men who think this way is that they assume everyone thinks/feels/acts as they do in the same circumstances...I know for a fact I do not think about sex the same way men do..doesn't mean I don't feel strongly about it...just means I approach it differently...( which really, you always talk about women behaving like teenagers? IMO, men who imply that a woman who won't hop into bed right away have something wrong with them..I remember that as a common tactic of teenage boys?)
I don't continue to date men I am not interested in a physical relationship with, and he will know I am interested without having to prove it by getting naked quickly, I will not seem to be not turned on..why it is important to me that he shows real interest too...I like the slow build up..find it really sexy..and more satisfying in the end.
I can't help but wonder if people who need instant confirmation or affirmation that they are desired, by way of immediate coupling, aren't still hurting from past experiences..
I don't think it is fair to say that I am not interested because I don't respond in the way someone else thinks I should..especially guys..because , I am so far from thinking in a generally more common male way that it is unrealistic...doesn't make me asexual or frigid...just different...
I think we are slightly off topic and I apologize if so...
It is far more exciting for me to have things build, for him to "court", "seduce" in return, than the more politically correct these days version: I want to have sex with you, you want to have sex with me, do you meet all my requirements for good sex...good..then lets have sex...just seems so boring, and so not stimulating, and so bereft of the sexy mind stuff, the build ups, the surprises, the discoveries..all of which I want in a romantic relationship....and a great sex life... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/18/2009 9:05:04 PM |
I don't think it is fair to say that I am not interested because I don't respond in the way someone else thinks I should..especially guys..because , I am so far from thinking in a generally more common male way that it is unrealistic...doesn't make me asexual or frigid...just different...
In another thread, a woman distilled it all to it's essence in saying, that the key is to find someone with whom you're in sync. I have no idea if the "taking it slow", dating multiple times before it's sexual, is the "norm", or not. I only know that, for me, becoming lovers eliminates the confusion, and creates a dynamic wherein you've affirmed that you want to explore a relationship, and in which I feel relaxed an able to be myself. It is within that dynamic, that I feel free to shower a woman with affection, attention, and sincerly want to see her happy. Prior to that, I feel like a bug under a microscope, being "evaluated", to see if I'm "worthy". For me, that's not fun, so I'll quickly move on.
I "get it" that some women won't feel "safe" that a man is legitimately interested in her, unless there is some period of time that he continues to show interest, without it being sexual.
I don't think that there's some "universal paradigm" that we all subscribe to, as there was "back in time", which can make it all seem confusing. You're not "wrong", Zangie, nor am I. There are many men, who are comfortable with what works for you, as there have been many women, who expect sex to be part of things from the start, and, thus, are in sync with me.
It's the fora, I think, that produce an atmosphere, where people demonize those who intrinsically have a different a paradigm that seems "normal" and "natural" to them. I think, at the end of the day, we'd all be a lot better off accepting that it's "different strokes for different folks", and concentrating on those who naturally see sexuality in relationships in similar ways.
In real life dating, I can "read" a woman, and tell if she's "into" wanting to make love. I've never been told "no", because I never push the issue. You can just tell. However, if she's "not" into me, in "that" way, I don't "pursue" her. It may be that I've sometimes "moved on" too quickly, that there may have been women who were "interested", but wanted to "take it slow". Maybe it's my "self protective" issues that make me just "move on". Regardless, it's worked for me, and I haven't had any long periods of not being "involved", so there's no incentive for me to do things differently. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/19/2009 2:44:30 PM | *shrug* Speaking for myself only, I don't feel the need to pursue *AT ALL*. It's not like they're gonna stop making women any time soon... they're like buses: another will be along shortly...
But, seriously? The whole idea of guys having to "pursue" wimmin is a consequence of WAAAY too many chick-flicks lately, and sappy, vapid romance novels. It's yet one more minefield that men have to navigate in the horror that modern dating has become. Some of us just choose not to enter that minefield at all.
Arlo | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/19/2009 4:21:10 PM |
I don't continue to date men I am not interested in a physical relationship with.
Whatever floats your boat. In my life some of the most rewarding of my many relationships with attractive women has been where a physical relationship is not involved. I really like attractive women and what the heck, ugly ones too. Females are not just warm receptacles, they are delightful human beings who bring me a lot of pleasure (and pain too.)
A lesbian. Lasted for years.
A married Swiss who introduced me to her husband then took me off in her Mercedes Benz for a few days in the Alps with his blessing - no doubt he recognized that I am not just a horny American child out to get his rocks off but a civilized human being as able as any European to appreciate and enjoy beautiful intelligent women without feeling the need to get into their pants.
A fascinating Brahmin woman whose husband was away at Princeton for the summer, so she and I enjoyed each other's company every day, and we both chatted with him on the phone at times. Neither he nor she was possessive or jealous or insecure. And as for sex, she didn't do it even with her husband because her Hindu faith requires abstinence not just until marriage but until pregnancy is intended. I totally enjoyed the wonderful Indian dinners she prepared for me, no restaurant comes close.
Isn't it possible to enjoy the other sex without assuming that jumping into bed is expected? Has anybody read about the wonderful love affair between George Bernard Shaw and the Abbess of Stanbrook - the mother superior of a convent? | |
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