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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/26/2009 6:21:53 PM |
It's not my intent at all to suggest that there shouldn't be feelings and emotions involved in dating. But the "courtship" and "pursuit" notions are counter productive games IMO.
This may be a mistake....but, I am turning over a new leaf of not worrying so much about what people think of me...
What I don't get, for myself..is that I have never played a game in my life, don't even know how...I am always honest, ( as possible, no one is totally honest)and upfront, and to be really honest, I don't think I have the "hotness" level to even try it if I wanted to...I also don't think I need my ego stroked...I don't have much of one as far as dating goes..and I am very reciprocal in the pursuit and the courting...maybe too much...doesn't always seem to be a good thing? At least, it has backfired on me so far...
But, what I do know is that with a man that I am interested in, expressing interest is a turn on...it is something that is just there for me, not a conscious decision to be one way or the other? Or too achieve some goal..or to manipulate...it just feels romantic and nice ? And maybe because it has happened to me very infrequently in my life..I'd like to know what it would be like to have a guy that liked me that much...and I just fail to see what is so evil about that? It' s not like I wouldn't return the feeling?
And yes, though I don't believe in fairy tales per se...I do believe in romance and great love...
I sometimes wonder if I don't get it because I am not the kind of woman who men generally would chase after anyway? | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/26/2009 6:38:48 PM | But, what I do know is that with a man that I am interested in, expressing interest is a turn on.
It is a turn on. Of course. But is it an addiction?
That's exactly the point I was making about this "endless" pursuit thing. A constant need to be "turned on" by the "pursuit"....
If you are in sync with the person you are with, there is no need to artificially stimulate being "turned on". It should be natural. If the "turn on" thing isn't there naturally, and needs to be artificially coaxed, then there is something wrong.
Maybe I've just been lucky in relationships to be with people who "turned me on" without them doing anything other than being themselves.  | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/26/2009 6:44:04 PM | Yea,
What zangie said! imo
And yes, though I don't believe in fairy tales per se...I do believe in romance and great love...
Irish
vvv bad luck?
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/26/2009 7:13:15 PM |
It is a turn on. Of course. But is it an addiction?
That's exactly the point I was making about this "endless" pursuit thing. A constant need to be "turned on" by the "pursuit"....
If you are in sync with the person you are with, there is no need to artificially stimulate being "turned on". It should be natural. If the "turn on" thing isn't there naturally, and needs to be artificially coaxed, then there is something wrong.
Maybe I've just been lucky in relationships to be with people who "turned me on" without them doing anything other than being themselves.
I'm so confused...lol..
If he is interested...why is his acting like he is artificial? And why isn't he being himself? Of course, if I am interested he already turns me on..this isn't a behavior I need to BE turned on..it is just something that adds to it...keeps the romance going? One can't be addicted to something one rarely or ever has experienced can one? I don't want him to not be himself either, I am assuming he is? I don't want him to pretend...that is my whole point...had enough pretenders or one kind or another...
And for the practical side...since, for whatever reason, I don't seem to attract men who can articulate their interest, or verbalize it...this could be a good way to obey the actions speak louder than words thing men keep telling us on here we need to pay attention to? If he doesn't act like he wants to be with me...then it is pretty certain he doesn't?And part of acting like it would be to make an effort wouldn't it?
Just doesn't compute...intellectually what some of you say seems to appear valid...but, in my heart it just doesn't make sense...it seems to take all the seduction and fun out of it and make it about just two people hanging out...and not showing any interest at all...just agreeing by mutual intellectual agreement that they like each other?
Besides, once I know he reciprocates my interest...there is no pursuit needed anymore? Romance and seduction yes....but, I'm just talking about the very initial stages here..
Levi: though I may not have posted it before, I think it is probably no secret that I love intellectual debate...lol...as long as it's civil..and yes, I am stimulated by interaction with men who's intellect is above average..and I also learn a lot...and I love challenges...I have even been known to alter or change my view if he makes sense to me...lol...and sometimes they even do the same....lol...
EDIT: I seem to have engaged with men that not only didn't pursue...they need reminding or prodding that I was even there..and they contacted me first? Just once, it would be nice to be able to date someone who made some effort, instead of me doing it all the time? You would think men would understand this, from what they post all the time... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/26/2009 7:47:43 PM |
I'm so confused...lol..
If he is interested...why is his acting like he is artificial? And why isn't he being himself? Of course, if I am interested he already turns me on..this isn't a behavior I need to BE turned on..it is just something that adds to it...keeps the romance going?
zangie,
Everyone who has ever been in a relationship will agree that there are "stages".
What I'm trying to get at, is that in the initial stages of two people meeting who are attracted to each other, is that there are powerful feelings that are uniquely associated with the onset of a relationship. It can be described as a "rush". Call this phase the "courting" phase if you will. If one is addicted to this phase, they will try and artificially stimulate it by trying to recreate it, because they're are addicted to the "rush", instead of progressing to the other stages when things settle down from the more heightened phase, which some might deem as boring in contrast.
They can do it, by trying to play this endless "first pursuit" game, with the same person, or by playing musical chairs, by becoming a serial dater.
Kinda like an adrenaline junkie.
I'm not sure if that'll explain it better for you. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/26/2009 7:53:13 PM | Ahhhh...the dance of love and romance....just as music has evolved over time so has the dance of love....as the sexual revolution has come about...the steps may change, but the dance remains the same....
As you both feel the initial desire...the dance begins...each, hopefully, knowing the proper steps, so as, to not step on each others toes....as you pursue each other around the dance floor of love....courting begins.....and the romance of holding each other in arms...sigh...takes place.....the music will end for a moment...but, then another song begins...and you and your partner will begin the ritual once more....and again...and again....and again....sigh...and again...
desire leads to pursuit=courting=romance...and you better both be doing it forever...cause once you stop...the other will go find it elsewhere.
jmo,
Irish | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/26/2009 7:53:26 PM | God, I hope not, but what's a firm commitment?
Do us women have to sit here for ever and be pursued until a man makes a firm commitment?
I'm fine with a woman doing any of the things you mention at any point. If I'm not available, I'll get back to her. I don't expect her to start making moves at any particular point though. In my experience, I've seen more women who like to be pursued than I've seen men who like to pursue. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/26/2009 8:32:08 PM | verity: sure I get that...what I don't get is why it is applied to me because I state that I think romance and pursuit are cool...just because some people might behave that way, doesn't mean everyone does? I get the intellectual concept...I don't get that I have to apply it to me personally? Or, that it is the only possible outcome...or outlook?
And again, I have to state the obvious...only certain women can even demand or behave this way...when I have a ton of men pursuing me ( yeah, not likely for a lot of reasons...lol), and get addicted to it, I'll re-evaluate my outlook..in the meantime...
Oh heck, what am I talking about...it's next to impossible to get a guy from on here to even go on a date, let alone pursue...lol...it just seemed like such a nice idea...
I am a fish out of water...the whole dating landscape is so different online, and whether intentional or not, I get the distinct impression from most men on the forums...that the whole dating world has now become run by only certain narrow views...mostly male oriented, and sometimes pretty dismissive of female points of view, especially if they aren't "modern" or "equal" enough...while I am teaching myself to not be anyone other than who I am, it can be frustrating to see such a disconnect between what my heart and instinct say is good, and what a lot of opinion on here says is dysfunctional or unreasonable...
Good thing Arlo told me not to take it personally anymore...lol... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/26/2009 10:47:38 PM | How far I pursue a lady depends a lot on how friendly she is. I've heard all this stuff about guys being all the more interested when women being cool and standoffish--but not me. The difference between acting superior and uninterested, on the one hand, and interested enough to act a little flirtatious, on the other, is sometimes subtle. But I can sense it, and I'm sure most guys can.
If a woman I approached seemed cool and standoffish when we were chatting, I probably wouldn't end up asking her out. But if I sensed she was being a little flirtatious (especially if she kidded or teased or playfully argued with me) I'd probably think she wasn't real anxious for me to leave. And I'd feel more attracted to her--probably enough to ask her out.
It's also fine with me if a woman walks up to me, is friendly, and starts a conversation. I don't think she's desperate, and I don't feel cheated because I didn't approach her first. I'd be flattered, and I'd return the friendliness.
So, I don't play it like some of the posters I've read here. I like to talk with people in general--including women I'm attracted to. For me, the hard-to-get routine is exciting if it's done right--but I wonder if more women didn't used to be better at it. Or at least they were in the movies--scenes of women playing just hard enough to get to keep guys interested were more common in the romantic comedies of the'30's and '40's than in those movies today.
A smile exchanged over a drink, followed immediately by a cut to a scene of the pair lying in bed the next morning, is missing all the flirting and anticipation and butterflies of the more traditional version. Of course it isn't direct and "honest"of women to play hard-to-get. It's not supposed to be. It's all about pretending to be uninterested, while being just friendly enough to make the guy think she's more interested than she's letting on. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/26/2009 11:38:02 PM |
A smile exchanged over a drink, followed immediately by a cut to a scene of the pair lying in bed the next morning, is missing all the flirting and anticipation and butterflies of the more traditional version. Of course it isn't direct and "honest"of women to play hard-to-get. It's not supposed to be. It's all about pretending to be uninterested, while being just friendly enough to make the guy think she's more interested than she's letting on.
well see..there can be problems with playing hard to get and acting a 'little interested"..some women even though have no desire to date you..like to get an ego boost so they will flirt with you and act like they are interested..look i am like you and a lot of guys..i believe that there should be some kind of "romance" for a lack of a better word..leading up the when you finally have sex etc. i like flirting and such...but there comes a point when a woman out to give more than "subtle" hints that she is interested..not every woman who give "subtle hints" means that they are interested in the guy..
that is where my issue is..too much "subtleness" i know not a word lol..but you get the point..again all the little flirtation and the "acting like they are not interested when they are" stuff is all good and great and i like that..but some women take it too far and then after a time it drives the guy nuts and confuses him..because one minute you act like you are interested then next thing you know you are trying to figure out why she is "acting that way"..some women just don't know how to strike a balance... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/27/2009 3:53:03 AM | I find that when I have a lover that I pursue her around the bedroom until she tires out and lets me catch her...then....well...and then sometimes it her that's pursuing me around the bed romm...I like that....and I try not to put up too much of a struggle...if I do...she say's bad boy....and I get a spanking....come to think of it....I like that too....
jmo,
Irish | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/27/2009 9:30:25 AM |
It's all about pretending to be uninterested, while being just friendly enough to make the guy think she's more interested than she's letting on.
Whatever. I don't try to second-guess anybody or read between the lines. I listen carefully to what she says and take it that he means exactly what she says, no more, no less. If she gives no signal that she is not interested in me, I move on pronto.
It strikes me as insulting and demeaning to a woman to presume that you can read her mind instead of just listening to her. Game-playing is for arcades. I want to meet people who are real life persons, not poker players out to bluff and calculate moves. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/27/2009 10:32:35 AM | verity: sure I get that...what I don't get is why it is applied to me because I state that I think romance and pursuit are cool...just because some people might behave that way, doesn't mean everyone does? I get the intellectual concept...I don't get that I have to apply it to me personally?
It might very well be applicable to you. You'll have to be the judge of that.
If a guy is habitually going from one girlfriend to another, to another, some might say he's into the "thrill of the chase". You hear women write about it in the forums all the time. He was all hot for me....now he's cold....
He's labelled a "player". Is he in fact a player? Or is he a man who thinks along the same lines that you do, that romance and pursuit are cool? So cool too, that this is his method of achieving the same thrill that you do? Or is there some other explanation?
The term "player" may be applicable, it may not be. It's a judgement call.
Women claim they love the pursuit thing. Which can very easily construed as a euphemism for wanting to prolong the thrill of the initial phases of a relationship, which may or may not be what the (male) player I described earlier is doing, albeit with different women.
Some people are flirts. Compulsive flirts. Why are they constantly flirting? Because of the stimulation they get from flirting. They obviously get a thrill from it. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/27/2009 10:44:34 AM |
It's all about pretending to be uninterested, while being just friendly enough to make the guy think she's more interested than she's letting on.
Like in high school?
If I encounter an adult woman, who "pretends she's uninterested", I assume she's uninterested. End of story. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/27/2009 5:54:09 PM |
Some people are flirts. Compulsive flirts. Why are they constantly flirting? Because of the stimulation they get from flirting. They obviously get a thrill from it.
And fun because it is fun is a bad thing? Doesn't seem to me that anyone gets hurt by flirting?
Someone who compulsively does anything or can't commit because of an addiction to the process is one thing..someone who enjoys the banter, and dance and romance of getting to know someone and falling in love? I can't be convinced that is a bad thing...Worked for years without any bad side effects, even has some strong biology behind it...if anything, I'd say that the removal of romance and fun from the dating process has done far more damage. ( and no, nothing you listed applies to me, that is why I am so baffled by it...)
People these days seem to take it all so seriously, and analyzing everyone's motives, and afraid of being used, or hurt. And more concerned with when there will be sex, than the process of getting there. Caution is one thing, afraid to enjoy the fun of falling in love, and trying to regulate it with logic or rational thought? Choosing based on qualities alone rather than feelings or that elusive clicky thing...lol... Or, assumptions of some kind of dysfunction or problem? Always questioning everyone's motives and agendas? There are people ( in this case women) who are pure of heart, and don't have any evil designs or intentions.
It should be a natural process on both sides, not calculating or expected..just flowing naturally. Love is an emotion...it is a good, happy emotion if it is reciprocated. It is supposed to be fun...not regimented or logical or analyzed...and, personally , I do whatever I can to show a man I am interested, and like being with him. And I pay attention to the things that make him click, or promote good feeling in him..I don't resist based on the fact that I might not understand why it works for him, nor question it, nor ascribe evil intentions to it.
That is just me, and my opinion....
.if I do...she say's bad boy....and I get a spanking....come to think of it....I like that too....
hahaha....you bad boy Irish....giggle...(thought you'd just slip that in there so innocently, huh?..lol) | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/27/2009 6:38:47 PM |
all the little flirtation and the "acting like they are not interested when they are" stuff is all good and great and i like that..but some women take it too far
Right, that's what I was trying to say. I think most guys would like the process, if more women today were better at it. If they like the guy, they shouldn't act so hard to get that they drive him away. They lose too, if they do that. I wouldn't keep pursuing a lady if I didn't think she wanted me to. If I start to feel frustrated or confused by the way she's acting, I'll remember an appointment I'm late for, give her a smile, and take off.
Sure, there are some women who will string you along when they have no intention of going out with you. I've had it done to me a few times--once by a lady who, after we'd been talking for a while and I asked her out, told me she was married. She wasn't wearing a ring, and while we were talking, she'd never even hinted that she was married. Each time, I felt like a fool for a few minutes, and then I started thinking how pathetic the women were. But I think women with bad intentions toward guys are a small minority. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/27/2009 7:42:42 PM | For me, the online phase, much like the "in person" phase, either flows naturally, almost effortlessly, and builds to both "needing to meet" within a reasonable time frame, or it dies. Much too, like dates you make at the grocery store or book store, when you're trying to "force things' , concerned that it's been 2 months since you have had a date, never seem to "fit". Still, when there's "nothing else going on", most people have tried to see if, over time, things might develop. They never do. Online, you just "know" when it's flowing in the right way, much as you do in person.
For me, it only "flows", when a woman is as interested in things as I am, when she too is feeling that initial online fascination, and wants it to move forward. It either flows naturally to exchanging phone numbers, and using them, and "real" email and messaging, or else it's just "chatting".
Those women who have read one too many "dating" books about how "playing hard to get" is a way to make a man "pursue" harder, will never appeal to me. "Hard to get" always gets me gone. There are always other options, which will come along in short order, without the games and confusion. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/27/2009 9:21:10 PM | | as long as needed, just found out if you do not have to give out your real phone number, get a proxy at Http://goproxycomm.com/wealthsecrets | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/28/2009 7:20:58 AM | Some people here remind me of the old joke:
Guy goes to his doctor for a check-up. Doctor tells him, "You need to give up half your love-life." Guy says, "Which half? THINKING about it, or TALKING about it?"
Seriously: youse people spend so much time TALKING about what you "would" do in a given situation, how do you ever find the time to, you know, actually HAVE any situations?
Arlo 
Spring... when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love... or, shaking up the hornet's nest... | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/28/2009 10:13:00 AM | Mdme GoneSailing, you can 'tack' or 'jibe' my sail anyday... I have fond memories of the 'Drake Relays' and my time spent in Des Moines, but my boat is (and will be) berthed in the Atlantic...
I've always enjoyed a bit of initiative being displayed, due to I'll read your 'waiting to be chased' attitude as one of non-interest...
I don't think this is a topic to which one can generalise...! | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:57:52 AM | I don't feel it is waiting to have a man call........ I feel it is a luxury that that the man is pursuing the woman........ And I'm a Woman Libber in all other areas..
To each their own... | |
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