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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:29:14 PM |
I worked for four years as the Archivist/historian for a company twenty seven miles north of Pella. One of my good friends lives in Monroe. You are lying through your teeth
You worked for Maytag - whoopee.
You're friends with someone who lives in Iowa town totalling a population of less than 2,000
And you're calling me a liar based upon what?
You've been rude, and offensive and are behaving like a boorish Neanderthal for what reason?
You have some justification for your bad behavior here, sir or are you just always determined to be rude and appear foolish?
The truth is that men tire quickly of the "make a man chase me till I catch him game."
I see nothing in my postings that indicate in any way, shape or form that I was deserving of this sort of bad behavior from you - and additionally - I don't find the controlling, negative, "obey me" types to be all that dateable.
Was there a reason to take the topic off what it was - and make this somehow personal about me, where I live and who you think you are in the world?
Curious. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:30:37 PM | If that is indeed the case Prof, then why do these exact same men, who you say are'nt that interested pursue me like mad, for weeks, and arrange dates, nights out etc,.. only to back off when I show some reciprocation? Riddle me that!..for men who are'nt interested, they seem to put a lot of work in,.. but the moment I call them, its very abrupt, very cold.. if its not on HIS terms,.. and his timetable, its not happening, but if iI wait for him to call, everything is fine,.. and he keeps his enthusiasm, I'm willing to listen, if you can explain that behaviour.
Myself, GS babe and Desert Wildflower,.. 3 women with the same observations,.. are we all wrong? I think, speaking for myself, that i know if someones 'not into me'.. its the dynamic change that happens when a man and woman who do like each other experience when a woman reciprocates equally that i'm talking about. Disinterest is easy to pick up on early,.. this is'nt disinterest I'm talking about,.. its a psychological reaction that happens in a lot of men, when the woman finally starts taking a pro active role in trying to maintain the momentum in a relationship.. 'They dont like it, no they dont indeed!! lol.
Morgana. x | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:33:17 PM | Was there a reason
Sure. When you make universal statements about men, that someone who has lived in your neck of the woods knows isn't true even for Iowa culture, you will be called to task. Calling a liar a liar is not rude. Maytag isn't the only company (or at least wasn't the only company there.)
if you can explain that behaviour.
Easy. If you establish certain rules for a relationship, people will try to play by those rules. But the "hunter myth" is a very tiring game and rarely worth the effort. They found someone more into them, or they like conquest and aren't about relationship.
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:36:47 PM | This is what I find too. And the colder, more aloof, and less interested I am, the more they are interested in me. the minute I start acting like he is my boyfriend or would
"God help me" ask for some help or ask for anything, he is gone.
I really think that it is best that a woman expect nothing from a man, don`t plan on him being part of your life, don`t plan on any kind of reciprocation. If you don`t go 100% his way, you will not be viewed as compatible. I don`t even try any more. I just
go along with their whole program until I find it something not working for me. then I leave. They are always surprised because they have been relatively happy because everything has gone their way. It never occurs to them that you might not be satisfied.
Why would it? | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:43:18 PM |
Men leave if you are even the slightest bit emotional or
sensitive. God help you if you shed a tear. Then you are a bipolar crazy.
true that!
But if you don't emote - you're cold, frigid witch....unable to care or really love deeply.
We can't get it right. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:44:47 PM | Desert
And the colder, more aloof, and less interested I am, the more they are interested in me.
Many humans, both male and female pursue what they think they can't have. Would I drop a woman asking for help, who had been playing the distance game. You bet. I would feel they didn't want me, but only wanted what I could provide. Naturally I would treat them the same way they were treating me. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:50:18 PM | Excuse me, ProfBlowHard, however.....
1. I didn't make any sweeping generalizations in any of my postings about men as a gender. I stated that these were specifically about my conclusions based on MY relationship experiences. My position was NO DIFFERENT than several other women on this forum yet YOU sought to attack only me calling me a liar and you loosely excused and justified your churlish behavior by BLAMING me?
You're a cad.
Sure. When you make universal statements about men, that someone who has lived in your neck of the woods knows isn't true even for Iowa culture, you will be called to task. Calling a liar a liar is not rude. Maytag isn't the only company (or at least wasn't the only company there.)
Live in my neck of the woods for 200+ years and possibly I would consider you worthy of my attention, but at this point - you're a "wanna be" who never was.
You're loose association with my community is tenuous at best. And extremely marginal and your posturing is offensive.
Not to mention - you're diverting the attention of the posters off the topic and onto yourself - which is self-gratifying for you I am sure, but also offensive and wrong.
Stay on topic and participate without taking shots at other people or go sit in a corner and suck your thumb - but take your silly childishness off the forums. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:53:46 PM | | The thing is, guys are so worried about their own well being and worried about being taken advantage of, that I have noticed, men that I will drop everything for, do whatever they ask of me, constantly do for them would never even think of reciprocating. I mean the selfishness is unbelievable. When you cook for a man, and sleep with him, and clean his house, and help him with his shopping and his projects, and on and on and on, and you can`t even call him to say hello, I would say that this is a bit lopsided. But the truth of the matter is that most men are only concerned as to what they can get out of it, and watch like a hawk if you need something from him. Then you are a user. I swear I can`t ever remember a man saying what would you like or what do you want? It doesn`t happen.This attitude turns into resentment on the part of the woman very quickly. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:55:41 PM | | I think Jinx had it right....it's just a difficult matter of knowing the right mix of giving, receiving, exchanging and doing....that apparently many aren't doing right - largely because we don't know how. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 4:02:07 PM | On Topic,..Maybe this attitude has a lot to do with mens ability to compartmentalise?
When he's at work, he's focused on working, when he's working on his car/computer, dessertation on crop rotation in the 14th century..lol.. what ever it is, he's focused on that. men seem to set aside a time to be with the 'woman of choice'.. HE plans that,.. and if the woman shows up, or calls when its not THAT time, she'll get short shrift. he simply doesnt want to see her/talk to her, at that time.
I think women as a generalisation, tend to keep the man in their mind a lot more, even while doing other stuff, its not hard to give him a thought, and call, but this seems to knock some men out of whack,.. because in their mind, its 'car.pc/etc time, not 'woman' time.
This can be called compartmentalisation.. it can also smack of a selfish attitude,.. hmm..
If a dog runs to his master with tail wagging, and gets slapped down, he learns not to do that, no matter how many times the master pets the dog on his own terms, the dog remembers not to jump up at master.
I think some men either consciously or subconsciously condition women not to intrude on the mans time. Slap us down, eg, be cold and distant on the phone if we initiate the call etc.
It does happen. Morgana. x | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 4:11:10 PM | OP, I really think this is one of those questions that can't ever be answered exactly. Few men and few women are going to have the identical approach to dating and relationship, pursuing or not; as in many things, it's a continuum, where one man will find it distasteful to have a woman do any chasing of him and another will not do it any other way. Most are somewhere within those two extremes.
I believe most men have a make-or-break point somewhere within them, as do most women, when the attention/interest shown by the other gender is either too much or too little. Hardly anyone can articulate exactly when or where; they just know it when it happens. And boom, you've reached a bewildering buh-bye.
My experience has shown that it is almost always a mistake for me to do much, if any, of the "pursuing" until we get close to an agreement of exclusivity. But that may also have to do with the type of men I prefer and who prefer me--or maybe it's the age group. I do not hesitate to let a man know the extent of my interest, but it has worked out far better when he initiates most of the contact at first, and we then work toward establishing a mostly equal volley back and forth.
^^^ Morgana: Good point!
--Ms. Flis | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 4:11:27 PM | Some of you gals are missing ..........
.... when it is a TWO WAY MATCH
If it is a two way match ....... you won't need to worry about the guy whimping out on you. He will be right there with you.
A real two way match is almost instant - on both sides. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 39 | |
| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 4:49:19 PM | Some of you gals are missing ..........
.... when it is a TWO WAY MATCH
If it is a two way match ....... you won't need to worry about the guy whimping out on you. He will be right there with you.
A real two way match is almost instant - on both sides.
Ron as much as you and I agree on relationships...I gotta tell ya...what you said is just soooooo rare it isnt funny.
Ive seen it myself. Ive experienced it.
Ive seen a man's jaw drop open and him grab his chest or gasp just looking at me...and yet he'll run like a rabbit if I show the slightest interest...or do something completely insane like...
...show him I care.
I have thought many times if I were a different person I'd play the "pretend I'm not interested game". Unfortuantley, it's just not my way. I'm way to open and blunt to play those games.
Kaylie's right on the money with this too.
Ive thought about it...but truth is...Id only be able to do it to a guy I wasnt interested in and I dont intend on using people like a fricken guinea pig in a science experiment to see the results...Im not that cruel.
I wanna be happy and excited to see my guy and I want him to like that about me...
...and I want him...to be happy and excited to see me too.
Its almost a sure fire way to get rid of a guy who's interested in you...to pursue him.
I agree with the gals. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:11:13 PM |
If it is a two way match ....... you won't need to worry about the guy whimping out on you. He will be right there with you.
BINGO!
Ron, we have a winner!!!!
The truth is that - we are here because the men whom we women HAVE expressed interest in and have taken the initiative with - DID wimp out.
For whatever reason.
Now, we in turn, learn to "stifle" our desires and hide them.
I have for a long time now, said that personally I find the need to play these "games" with each other when interest does exist is absurd. Immature and the reason why people fear relating and lack trust.
I don't play games.
Now finding the real man worthy of holding the course and going the distance is the objective.
One I won't waiver on finding.
Hopefully HE will feel the same.
And ultimately is that NOT what we all are seeking online?
Weeding through the chaff to find the sturdy stalk?
I wanna be happy and excited to see my guy and I want him to like that about me...
...and I want him...to be happy and excited to see me too.
YES ! YES! YES!
There you have what we women think, feel and want in a nutshell and under 100 words!
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:15:20 PM | Kyn, I'm LOL at what you said...
...Id only be able to do it to a guy I wasnt interested in and I dont intend on using people like a fricken guinea pig in a science experiment to see the results...Im not that cruel.
The social psychologist in me has thought exactly that...I'd only be able to do it to a guy I"m not interested in. And that it's just wrong on so many levels. But wow what an experiment that would be! Plus...the other fear...WHAT IF IT WORKED??? Then you'd be stuck w/a guy you didn't want!!! LOL
Actually though...in a social psych lab, this could be done on a much smaller scale. Hmmm... They do experiments all the time w/having ppl interact and then rate how much they'd like to interact again or how much they liked them. Probably been done, come to think of it....
Darn days like this I regret quitting w/out my PhD...if I were a prof in a universityI could do it! (doesn't quite fit into my human factors and transportation research, now does it?)
And I will say it one more time...I really believe this happens on an subconscious level. And actually...it is probably not even gender specific. I'd bet women do it too. Maybe not gents and females who are *aware* of the issue...but the rest? Probably.
Oh, and NO I haven't observed this w/just 2 guys, btw....
Kaylie | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:18:28 PM | | am i a man??? some day's i wonder....if i were a man i would pursue you to the death or i would kill you so i dont' feel bad about myself....or maybe call your mother and father and tell them what a naughty girl youve been.....stalk you at work?? absolutely!! there would really be no limit to my obsessing ability...do i have alot of time on my hand to ramble these meaningless useless comment...not really but i make time....as i would for following your every move ...you have to make time for the important things in life...that being said i am a fast and even faster thinker who think fast and can almost keep up as fast with my fingers....almost! I am going out tonight though...i do have a life you know...almost! | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:24:57 PM | | If I feel like the guy is more attracted to me, then I call whenever I want and it's fine. Somewhere, on some level, he knows I have the advantage and I do too. BUT, if I like someone (like they make me googly-eyed and goofy), I get really quiet. Men can sense when you really dig them and is scares the bejeebus out of them. It's all energy. At that point, I just become a magnet and stay still. It's like coaxing a feral animal out of his natural habitat - a cave. I don't know why it's true, but it's nature, IMO. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:25:13 PM | | I'm extremely romantic, so I love guys who sweep me off my feet. Problem is that the guy who sweeps you off your feet may have a dustpan behind his back. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:26:00 PM | | Personally I feel men should pursue in the early stages. Also they should initiate most of the calling......those that are too timid to do so, or take on the female role, I have no patience for. Women should graciously accept. As they get to know each other, then women can do some of the calling or initiating. I read mars and venus on a date. Yes i've broken some of the rule.....but i'm still learning. LOL | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 46 | |
| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:27:43 PM |
The social psychologist in me has thought exactly that...I'd only be able to do it to a guy I"m not interested in. And that it's just wrong on so many levels. But wow what an experiment that would be! Plus...the other fear...WHAT IF IT WORKED??? Then you'd be stuck w/a guy you didn't want!!! LOL
Kaylie ya killin me here !!
It'd be like...oops!!
I will say it one more time...I really believe this happens on an subconscious level. And actually...it is probably not even gender specific. I'd bet women do it too. Maybe not gents and females who are *aware* of the issue...but the rest? Probably.
I agree with that too.
Its subconscious and most men (cos Im a girlie so am speaking from a female perspective)...dont even realise that they're doing it.
And yep...I think there's a huge difference in alot of people
The more aware are the ones who *dont* do it or at the very least *realise* they are and communicate it...
And those that just have nfi at all. They're the ones who will play the retreat and chase game.
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:27:53 PM | I ***STILL*** say - if the guy books ....... it was NOT a two way match.
I don’t care what he said - how he acted - how good he was in the sack - how much of a smooth talker he was.
If he splits (goes pOOf) - it was simply NOT a two way match. Or ...... he was married ....... or is is actually a hit it and move on (player type).
Face it girls - it is NOT because you showed interest - it IS because “he is just not that into you”.
--------
If all else fails - try to use some logic. Why in the hell would a guy split if he liked you and viewed you as a potential LTR? .... AND ...
..... you were also showing interest in him.
It is just not logical. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 48 | |
| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:33:10 PM | Face it girls - it is NOT because you showed interest - it IS because “he is just not that into you”.
Ron...Im 40 yrs old and have had a shitload of experience with men.
Partners, dating, friends, brothers, online, work, you name it.
So Ive been the participant, observer and confidante.
Ima gonna give you a piece of information from the Ms Kyn vault of wisdom.
A man who is completely and hopelessly inlove with a woman...will react in the exact same way as a guy thats.....
...."just not into you."
The signals and behavior are almost identical.
It scares the crap outta them.
Even "players" go into meltdown
It is just not logical.
You're absolutely right...its not logical...and yet... they do it.
Ive no doubt your behavior is different cos you're older for a start...and from following your postings...you figured out the basics a long time ago.
There's gonna be guys even your age now that still dont and never will "get it" | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 7:49:23 PM | ~Kyn~
IF (yeah I said IF)
If that really happens with some guys - all I can say is they are a stOOpid chit lol.
I think it was thread .... no maybe some other thread.
EVERY SINGLE relationship I have ever had - we both knew it the very first time we were together (I am not talking about sex).
We both knew it almost instantly. There was no "talks" - we both knew it - no games - no wondering - no one went pOOf. It was *US* right then and their - and we both knew it. There was no chase (either way) - there was no "wooing" - it was just "it is".
Plus ..... the relationships lasted. NONE of them stopped from someone else coming into the picture. That is - none of them were broke up from one side falling for someone else.
Also - I never "dated" (to see how it went). Everyone (except the last one in that one a mutual friend got us together) one was a case of me looking looking looking for her and ..... there she is - and I got her.
ALSO ... there never was a "false" two way match (no short term blowouts). That means neither of us had any second thoughts.
ALSO ... I bet my very first girlfriend (Rene'e) still likes me - where ever she is. Same goes for the 2nd girlfriend (Kathy) and I would even say that about my first wife (16 years) - and I know it to be true from with my 2nd wife (17 years).
I'm telling you - from my experience a real two way match is the only way to go. It is instant - attraction - like - lust - trust - respect from the very first minute and most of that last forever - even if you go separate ways some years later. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/25/2008 8:21:31 PM | I think whenever we get into game playing, whatever form it takes, it's trouble.
Personally, I don't care to be a "hunter" always having to chase for the slightest bit of attention. It's usually clear after one or two dates whether a woman is interested. Same goes on my end snd if I'm not interested, I tell her.
I can totally understand the frustration of women on here who have had men disappear on them, play games, or say one thing, then do another. Fear of intimacy is pretty strong for a lot of us guys, and I know for myself, I've had to really work on that issue in the past to be able to really be committed to a relationship.
I've also experienced a fair amount of ambiguity on the part of women I've dated on-line. There's an initial contact, some e-mails, maybe even a date, and then poof - nothing. No "I'm not into you." Just nothing. Now, I don't take this kind of thing personally, nor do I let it from continuing to strike up conversations, but I think people would feel better and feel less angst if they just said what they think and feel up front. That is, of course, if you have some clarity around it - if you know that "I'm not interested."
Again, it's when it gets into game playing territory - like I'm going to chase this woman to see what happens even though I don't really like her - or I'm going to e-mail this guy to be nice or because he might be interesting to talk to, but not date - that it gets all screwed up.
And back to specifically the chase - if a woman does nothing but say yes to another date after 2 dates - no calls, no e-mails, no nothing else - then I take it as a sign of lack of real interest. And I'd hope if a woman saw nothing else from me after 2 dates, she'd be at least wondering too because if I'm interested, I make effort at more contact, period. | |
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