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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 1:01:30 PM | It all depends on what animal and what part of the jungle you roam in. I tend to bag big game. In fact, I'm working on one now.
Some guys are used to women chasing them. They show interest if you're different. If you are really different, they're really interested. It isn't right or wrong, it's different strokes for different types of people. And it isn't a "game," it's a dance. 
I don't like friend relationships and playing by the "rules." I like to throw rule books out the window (but not common sense) and zig when a big cat thinks I'm going to zag and snicker to myself as he gets that confused look in his face. Then, I know the chase is on...
Tally-ho!  | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 1:30:51 PM | The guy I am really in "love" with is around a lot of great-looking girls. He met me once in Costa Rica. We had a magical encounter and then he had to go back to NY to work on a motion picture. He disappears for weeks and he just admitted he was with another girl. Now, I am not hurt. We have no commitment at all. I'm just wondering why he write to me at all. And keeps writing. There's really great guys out there who would make wonderful partners. I'm not looking to settle down. I'm not looking for anything, really. I have lived for "taking it a day at a time" for about four years now. I really don't know if I even want a serious relationship, myself.
This is interesting for me to observe, since I have never been in this place in my life when a guy like this came along. :shrug:
No, he's not a player. He's really good-looking, cool, great job and has a wide circle of good-looking friends. I don't know why he's so interested. Maybe that's why I keep making up excuses why he can't visit me. I have turned him down for a vacation back in CR or Ireland. I have turned him down for his visiting me. Every time, he raises the stakes and seems to "commit" himself to me more. It's just ... interesting. I am vulnerable too, since I really think I could be a "fallen" victim of his - easily. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 1:49:04 PM | I find it very interesting that some women in this thread have decided to completely generalize what men do, and how they approach relationships. I have seen women on here often and rightly get upset when men generalize about their gender, so why is it ok for some of you women here to say things like "men are all 'hunters' who lose interest if women do too much"?
As I see it, this whole relationship thing is without a lot of clear markers, especially in this day and age. Even if we have repeated experiences of certain kinds of behavior, it's not something that can be generalized to the whole group. And while some behaviors may be more prevelent in one gender or another, there is always a significant number of people who don't fit the stereotype so to speak.
One thing I can say from my own experience is that the more I have believed a generalized story I made up about relationships, the more I attracted that very thing. I long had a story that if I got into a serious relationship, she would eventually grow disenchanted and disappear on me. And well, that's what I ended up with, a couple of times.
This is not to exonerate bad behavior on anyone's part. I didn't deserve disappearance any more than the women speaking on here deserved to have guys walk out on them, or play games. But I think it's important to question the beliefs you've got about relationships - or anything - in your head because as I've seen in myself, they're often limited, or just plain wrong. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 2:19:44 PM | | Personally, I LOVE when women pursue me! I guess it comes from years of getting the run around from women and the wicked games they love to play. I prefer to lay back and let the women come to me if they're interested. and in my experience, that's usually the best policy!! | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 2:39:05 PM | Any significant relationships I've ever been in, including one that lasted twenty years, didn't involve one person pursuing the other.
In each case, the attraction was mutual from the start and there were no games or power trips being played by either one of us.
And I can't even imagine having it any other way - I'm not an animal (prey or predator) nor am I looking for one.
I'm just me and my only hope is to one day come across a gentle soul that will resonate with mine...that's it that's all.
No chase necessary (or needed/wanted). But to each their own.
JMO
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 2:50:32 PM | | Gone sailin babe you do sound postal,I enjoy when a woman makes first contact,or if she just calls or makes the time for you.Every one likes to know that someone is interested in them. I will ask a woman out once,or twice,but no more than that.Enjoy after 1st or 2nd date the woman plans an evening. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 82 | |
| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 2:54:09 PM | Actually, I didn't think she sounded postal. I think she was speaking about what we all have gone through at one time or another.
If I really like a man, I'll let him know. And if the man likes me, I'm happy when he also shows that interest. The difficulties and miscommunications begin when that pursuit is imbalanced. So inevitably, one person can feel "pressured" and the other person can feel rejected.
Again as ron put it, the ideal is for that mutual attraction to kick in -- then, both parties enjoy each other equally, and with no pressure on either side. And, that's certainly the ideal I hope to have one of these days!  | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 83 | |
| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 3:07:34 PM | If I really like a man, I'll let him know. And if the man likes me, I'm happy when he also shows that interest. The difficulties and miscommunications begin when that pursuit is imbalanced. So inevitably, one person can feel "pressured" and the other person can feel rejected.
And thus...the highlighted portion of text is a reason to NEVER DELIBERATELY PLAY GAMES when pursuing or within a relationship.
Never ever ever EVER. Even if you THINK thats how it will come across DONT do it.
Games such as making yourself unavailable to "increase your attraction" and all that other bullshit.
What you're doing is disrupting the natural progression of how a relationship unfolds and creating "issues" out of nothing.
You're messing with the foundation of your "house"
Miscommunication via reading signals and actions is bad enough as it is...
...to deliberately mess with someone and something when you really have no concept whatsoever of the long term problems you're creating is just complete stupidity.
IF you like/love someone BE available to each other.
That doesnt mean you have to reschedule things or drop everything else for that person either...it means go out of your way to make sure you have time for them call/date/whatever...because you want that person in your life and you want that person to stay in your life.
It keeps everything in balance and ties in with Ron's post #53 | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 84 | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 3:14:47 PM | KYN,
Well said. I like to be playful sometimes, but basically I am what I am> Some people love me, lots of them don't and that's OK. At least if they DON'T like me I know that it's really me they dislike 
It would be really nasty to pretend I was somebody else, lose somebody's interest and wonder if it would have worked if I had just been myself. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 3:42:24 PM | Well read this whole thread and feel like a weirdo.Its true some men do the backing off, routine in a relationship.The "she is trying to trap me" marry me blah blah twisted thinking routine.Not all men , just some.Well guys you are all not Brad Pitt, we don't want to shackle you and put you in the cellar.Although with Brad, that sounds tempting.We don't want to be shackled either.I read posts here where men want the relationship and contact on their terms.Their way or the highway eh. If you are in an intimate relationship and these rules apply, its a dictatorship not a relationship.Thats just about power and control.Not all men think like this.
Well heres how I see it. If I am liking you, you will know it.If you want to back off, watch the step on your way out.If you are that immature, go back to wearing nappies. I want an adult in my life not a child.Adults are honest, compromise, are thoughtful and are not scared of intimacy.Its not about being male or female, its about being a sorted, mature adult.
If I want to phone I will phone.If I don't I wont.I will take notice of when its inconvenient to phone you and make allowances.I will let you know when its inconvenient for me.If I want to make plans with you. I will after consulting your opinion.If you object to these natural things, I will conclude , your interest in me is minimal and your focus is on your own needs only. In that scenario I am bouncing out the door.Ladies, we give men way too much leeway and tolerate too much silliness.Would we tolerate that behavior from a friend.?No way.!!I bet they cant believe half what they getaway with.I always have a zero tolerance policy for Bullshine.
I can approve , love and care for myself.I also have a healthy self respect, so I do not tolerate losers.I don't need a man for these things.So I am with you from choice not need.I also choose the behavior I am prepared to accept.I believe adults should be honest and games are for the kids playground or teenagers disco.You want to hunt, go moose digging, don't annoy me with it.
So to conclude, be honest , no need to chase if I like you I will tell you.I wont sleep with you, straight off- I don't know you, do I -but I will participate in the romance. I am not the passive type.if you object to me phoning you and act cool on the phone, you wont be hearing from me again.Life is too short for BS.You want to chill it, sit in the freezer.These stupid kiss/catch games are not for me. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 4:09:47 PM | These days, my attitude is that I would pursue a woman once or twice - and twice is a stretch. This is to say that putting me off with what seems a legitimate excuse is fine for the first time. If it happens a second time, the woman should bear the responsibility for arranging the date, if there is to be one. I don't feel that I should have to perform an endurance test to get a date or form a relationship (the endurance test is to be performed later, if you know what I mean. I'd rather save my energy for that).
I don't view a woman's assertiveness as a negative. I view it as a compliment, the same as if you were to pay a compliment on ANYTHING you like. If you enjoyed a piece of chocolate cake and want seconds, you know you'd better go and get it instead of hoping for someone to bring it to you (yeah, yeah, unless you're in a restaurant... but you at least have to ask). The only time I view it as a problem is when a person want to move much too fast, i.e. wanting to move in with you on the fourth date.
I may have missed out on some women because I didn't stick in there long enough to "convince them" to go out with me, and that's fine. Hesitance, games, and disinterest are the same to me. If the opposite sex is as intuitive as they say, a woman will recognize my qualities from my manner and not wait for and expect me to strong arm my way into her life. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 4:42:28 PM | But if she calls, comes over and surpises you naked under her trench coat, pops up in bed rolls you over and takes control...just ONE too many times (and no, we don't know what that magic invisible number actually IS) she's out of the ball game and in the car on the drive home.
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Thank you! I was waiting for someone to say that in this post, I can't even begin to count how many times a guy has just pushed me aside cause I've decided to give him a call if he has been MIA for 3-4 days and i just call and say "hey whats up! gimme a call if you're around!" and suddenly im told when he finally does come around that I was too clingy and this and that. These experiences truly leave me scared to try anything with a guy because i value his presense in my life | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 89 | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 6:27:02 PM | The question is, "How long do men FEEL the need to pursue?"!!!
As a man, I can answer from one man's point of view.
A lot hinges on ones definition of "pursue."
For me, I make two (one, online) contacts. If I get no response or questionable reasons to decline, I'm gone.
"How do you men FEEL about a woman making a lot of the moves? "
Initiating contact, suggesting plans, showing interest, is great!
Clingy and stalkerish is a red flag.
A female poster mentioned, "Where is the line between enough and too much?"
My response is: Where is the line with friendships?
"Friendship" isn't requested, it's offered. Sometimes it's reciprocated, sometimes it isn't. Everyone has a different pace. Matching paces result in friendship. Personally, a really quick pace sends a red flag to me, in romance as well, but that's me.
I want to add, earlier in this thread a lot of women were referring to a man's subconscious. How much better they understood it than the men themselves. This is a HUGE red flag for me. I, as a man, know men better than you. I, as an individual, know me better than anyone (Hell, I'm an expert on me!). Any man that gives an opinion here is NOT wrong about how he FEELS!!!!!
I've broken up with more than one woman that started telling me: what I was doing, why I was doing it, and how I was FEELING about it! I took it that my opinion on those issues didn't matter to her then, and wouldn't matter to her in the future as well.
This is a forums. People speak in generalities here, but IMO an individuals FEELINGS can NOT, REPEAT NOT, be generalized!!!
just a few thoughts | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 6:28:04 PM | Dangnammit Kyn, Hold your fire!! Blasting menfolk with your gun! Girl, you've spooked the herd,.. may as well pack up for the night ladies, Kyn's panicked the herd. You know what flightly gazelles menfolk are, they'll be halfway round the world by now, running as fast as there legs will carry them!
Maybe what we all need is one of Red Cassandra's dungeons, and a man bat... mantraps are good too.
OT Agreeing with Kyn and others actually,.. I wont play games either, although Icould, if I wanted to,.. but I dont want my life, and my love to become a game of one up manship.. and 'He who cares less has more power'
As much as most men on this thread will deny it, and say they'd like reciprocation, what they wont seem to concede, is that a lot of the time, a lot of men are so ridiculously spooked by a phone call, or a sign of caring.. suddenly in the minds this becomes 'checking up' on them, and restriction of the most dire kind.
Gawd.. guys c'mon, stop it now,.. this 'your way or the highway' thing in always wanting to call the shots in a relationship is getting beyond ridiculous.
if I want to call, or say anything, or ask how you've been, or show I care,I will.. if some guys want to misinterperet that as me becoming 'clingy, then so be it, you no likey? Then leave,.. but you'd better stay left, thats all, I lose patience with this farce.
TMM. x | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 94 | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:01:42 PM |
As much as most men on this thread will deny it, and say they'd like reciprocation, what they wont seem to concede, is that a lot of the time, a lot of men are so ridiculously spooked by a phone call, or a sign of caring.. suddenly in the minds this becomes 'checking up' on them, and restriction of the most dire kind.
So, you're telling us "men" how we're really feeling. That we're in denial. That you know better.
When's the last time someone discounted your feelings and how did you FEEL about it? | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:08:15 PM | To Levi..My feelings discounted? sweeping generalisations? Oh, just about every time I hear men on these threads insist that women DO want bad boys,.. and that we dont know what we really want..lol.
I sense you're a 'in control' type Levi.. do you like to call the shots? Set the pace of your relationships? Do you become irritated and feel that you're being 'checked up on if a woman you're dating phones you a few times out of the blue, while you're working on something? if she asks you to change plans, or see her more often, do you immediately think, 'this one is going to be trouble? Perception is everything, You feel how you feel, doesnt mean to say a woman in a relationship with you will agree with your take on your feelings, and how you choose to act on them,. She has feelings too,.. are you taking hers into consideration, if there seems to be an imbalance in the level of interest?
TMM. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:41:33 PM |
To Levi..My feelings discounted? sweeping generalisations? Oh, just about every time I hear men on these threads insist that women DO want bad boys,.. and that we dont know what we really want..lol.
I sense you're a 'in control' type Levi.. do you like to call the shots? Set the pace of your relationships? Do you become irritated and feel that you're being 'checked up on if a woman you're dating phones you a few times out of the blue, while you're working on something? if she asks you to change plans, or see her more often, do you immediately think, 'this one is going to be trouble? Perception is everything, You feel how you feel, doesnt mean to say a woman in a relationship with you will agree with your take on your feelings, and how you choose to act on them,. She has feelings too,.. are you taking hers into consideration, if there seems to be an imbalance in the level of interest?
You didn't answer my question, but I think perhaps it was recently someone discounted your feelings. Sucks, doesn't it!
To answer your questions: No; I only expect input on the pace (mutual thang); No; No; Yes.
I don't discount others feelings and I make no judgements about what is right for others. I only judge whether I, and another, will mesh or not. Obviously you and I don't.
On topic: Regarding "pursue." It's all about whether people mesh or not. It's not that difficult to walk away if it doesn't work. Better to know sooner than later. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 9:05:48 PM | Well, I can't say I know the answers, but here is my personal opinion on this. When you find a guy who is really excited about you, it's the most fun situation, and it is totally possibly to only date the fun way (but it takes a bit of discipline to walk away from the crappy situations where the man isn't really that interested and gets scared off easily). It's easy to tell he's crazy about you because he says so, he notices things about you, he gives you "that look" when he's around you, he initiates the first few dates (you still need to appear somewhat receptive and welcoming though) and initiates calls and contact in between them. He may even start giving you small gifts to show his affection. And once he's making it absolutely obvious that he's smitten, why hold back? Let him know how much you enjoy his company too. Call him somtimes too. If he really likes you, he'll be thrilled. (on the flip side, if you think he's smitten and then you start calling and then he's threatened, then he wasn't that smitten in the first place, so it's not like you lost out on something great anyway).
To be honest, even beyond this point, I will let a man lead the way in saying "I love you" first. (That seems to be coming fairly naturally anyway). And physically, men are always a step ahead of me anyway in trying to go further, so it's not like I have to hold myself back there, so it's usually me slowing that down anyway. But I think it's pretty common for a woman to want to declare exclusivity first, and for a woman to be the one to want to spend more of their week with their boyfriend first, so sometimes I think a little patience on those two things is a good thing too.
Oh, and I know that men love it when a woman makes the first move and leads the way and pursues him - what's not to love? They have less work to do, it's less risk for them, and they get their ego rubbed so that they feel good. But just because THEY like it doesn't mean it's the best strategy for finding the best match for you. I still think if you become the hunter, you are more likely to catch in your net the lukewarm guy who won't put in the effort into the relationship or who will bail months or even years down the line when he realizes he's not really that crazy about you, or you''ll snag the rebounder who's emotionally beat up and who just needs someone to make him feel like a real man for a while, or the guy who will just take a relationship wherever he can get it so that he can get laid, or any number of unavailable or unworthy men.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not one to hide my feelings or pretend to be aloof when I'm really not. I don't play games. But a little patience from the woman in the first month can be a good thing, to figure out if he's interested enough to take some initiative, and to make sure he doesn't feel smothered or think you are obsessive and crazy. Men and women are built differently emotionally, and sometimes some men don't understand women (how's that for an understatement) and I think sometimes it's just better if they are oblivious to all the overanalyzing and obsessiveness that a woman goes through in the beginning of a relationship (where as your female friends can sympathize and listen to that). You know, in that beginning time when you lose perspective and if he doesn't call on the night you think he will, then 16 hours can feel like a week in girl-dating-time? That's when it's good to get a grip, and just call or go out with another friend. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 9:24:24 PM |
Send me a message telling me that you're taking a trip to Toronto, tell me where you want to meet, make sure you're wearing a long coat with nothing underneath... and shortly after that you'll have proof that there's at least ONE guy out there who really appreciates a woman who takes the initiative...
True story. Toronto. Manager confides to me what one of the waitresses did the night before. They had a date to meet at a bar and she showed up in a fur coat completely naked underneath. He was disgusted, horrified. "Like what was she thinking!" This particular waitress was good looking (as was the manager).
So, there's at least one guy out there who didn't appreciate it. | |
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| How long do men feel the need to pursue?
Posted: 9/26/2008 9:45:36 PM |
True story. Toronto. Manager confides to me what one of the waitresses did the night before. They had a date to meet at a bar and she showed up in a fur coat completely naked underneath. He was disgusted, horrified. "Like what was she thinking!" This particular waitress was good looking (as was the manager).
So, there's at least one guy out there who didn't appreciate it.
There's more than one.
I'm gonna go off the map for me.
Do women really think that an intelligent man wants to be thought of and greeted with, "I know I got the pu$$y-power and I can control you!"???????
I for one, do NOT believe all woman think that way or I would give up looking for a LTR.
It's an insult. You would be calling me a cave man, and if I succumb, I would just validated your theory.
Dayum! I have more self-respect and will not accept demeaning behavior.
my story and I'm stickin to it! | |
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Silent treatment. Bad move.
Women want to be pursued, and men want to be pursued... And we all end up watching our TVs at our homes alone 
