| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/12/2008 7:16:46 PM | | I know if sucks when a relationship doesn't work out but believe me time will heal. "Is it possible to stay friends?" Yes it's possible but I believe only if you are over this person. I believe if you are not over him, you have an agenda, trying to get him back and if he doesn't want to get back with you, it will hurt you, in that case, it's better to stay away. | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/18/2008 4:19:16 AM | | That is exactly what i am talking about, what mykiee is saying. At the time when i posted i wasn't even speaking of friends with benefits, as that is just wrong. I was speaking in general about friends, that you shouldn't keep it going. Mykiee's post is 100% right and as you don't agree with what i said i don't care. You are going to hurt someone else and that is wrong. You should really think of what you are doing with yourself. Goodluck | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/18/2008 4:47:50 AM | You let them go by....actually doing it.
Keeping around the temptation, is your mind hoping there will someday be an open door.
Keeping a person around, is NOT letting them go. You have to actually, you know, let them go. | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/18/2008 5:07:45 AM | I always think the concept of letting someone go as moot.
Short of someone passing...and assuming you're inlove and its a good relationship (no extremes, violence etc)
I would never let someone go I loved if they didnt want to leave.
That means they want to leave. They want to.
And Im highly unlikely to forget they've caused me such deep pain for nothing.
They havent asked me if I want it...and are making a choice for me.
Thats not Love...and its certainly not a higher expression of their Love either.
They dont know what *I* want or need.
What if what I want and need...is them?
And if they do...why would you take yourself from me...when you know thats not what I want.
They're taking that away from me for nothing except a reason they're justifying to themselves as somehow "better" for me and its ultimately a decision based completely on themselves...thats not Love either.
I truly dont believe there's ever a choice between a person and a situation
There's always a solution. If that solution takes time and negotiating...so be it.
This is about "us"
A job offer?...either dont take it...take me with you or we'll work around it together to have everything we can in the meantime. There are no other choices.
Distance?...you come to me...I will come to you or we'll work around it til we can. Again, there are no other choices.
Since Id only ever entertain a LTR...I dont know any 50 yr relationships where one partner just up and left the partner for *whatever* reason.
You know why? because they DONT. They DONT make those choices. They are NOT choices The relationship and their love for the other person comes first before anything
They Love and Commit to one another 100% forever, death do us part.
Ive never heard of Love and Commitment coming with the price of...only til I dont have a better offer...or an easier and more convenient path to take.
Its selfishness and apathy.
I Love my children in as much as Id love my partner...imagine if I said to them...I love you, you love me but I cant be bothered with this anymore, Ive got a better offer or there's 2 other kids I can have that are "easier" and more convenient for me...so I'll see you round...never.
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/18/2008 5:21:40 AM | whatever it is you see in this person that you don't want to "let go of" is most certainly available elsewhere. but you won't be able to find it if you're clinging to a chapter in your life that has already moved into the past. so let go. just do it. you're putting an unnecessary and fruitless emotional burden on yourself. look at it from the angle of "enlightened self-interest", and ask yourself how you benefit from hanging on to something that can no longer be. let go, and you'll feel 50 pounds lighter.
that doesn't mean that you'll never think about this person again or have fond memories of the relationship. but accept the present and start imagining a better future. just don't insert him into it by hoping that you can resurrect the past, lol.
in that regard, i think only you can answer whether or not you can stay friends. there's nothing wrong with it per se. i'm still friends with several exes.... they're starting to collect, lol! | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/18/2008 8:20:19 AM | keykeper34.. I to a gree,You don't have to forget someone in order to let them go.
In fact if you love a person unconditionally you want them
to be happy even if it is not with you.
Some people I find wish so many bad things about someone who they once thought they loved, to me that is childish,
OP you don't have to forget him, you will always hold some fond memories for him,
just remember it wasn't meant to be and he wasn't as in to you as you had wished or it seemed,
Sometimes we can read too much into a relationship and hope we are the right ones until we find out different.
Many of us have been there but I always told my self if he doesn't want me, would I really want him? no, even though it hurts it is the truth.
You have to move a head, love your self first, hope he is happy with someone else.
Always think of it as his loss,,,
I know only too well what it is like to forget someone or let go, I do relate to what your going through, remember you are never alone, we are all here for support, even though sometimes it doesn't seem that way.
Take care girl and good luck..
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/18/2008 10:36:16 AM | ["I'm wondering how you get over someone you love and having to let them go?']
TIME and working through the stages of grief and loss...we ALL eventually hit the acceptance stage when a love diminishes. | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/18/2008 3:06:35 PM | | A lot of that depends on who's dumping who, don't you think? No. You can't be friends. Never worked for me. I had one girlfriend tell me she would always love me. Fat lot of good that was gonna do me. I don't even know what she meant. Some kind of ethereal language only women can understand. You know what? Maybe it could work for others. Because I've heard about people in burnt out marriages that split and remained friends. That's because their feelings had been dead for years anyway. Oh yeah, how to forget them! Well you could use somebody, like a kind of rebound person. You know. Use them to fill the emptiness and distract you from the pain. Plus, if she dumped you, your making your statement " See, I'm still desirable. I can get someone." The only trouble with this move is that years later you are going to feel like a sh1theel. Like a pr1ck, cause you were one. | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/18/2008 3:43:47 PM | Just keep reminding yourself the reasons/memories why he/she isn't good for you...and with time you'll get over them...trust me  | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/18/2008 5:42:44 PM | Well, there's an old cliche and it goes like this:
The fastest way to get OVER somebody, is to get UNDER somebody else.
Personally, I like to give a relationship a proper burial when it dies. It's best to cry, mourn, wallow in self-pity, and feel lost and alone for awhile. Eventually you come to realize that life goes on...whether you want it to or not...and so you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and allow yourself to carry on without him/her. | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:27:29 PM | | so many great ideas on here. I know for myself I couldn't do the friends thing, at least not right away, especially if you have any residual feelings for him - how horrible would it be to have to plaster a fake smile on your face when he's with someone new? i say sever all ties, take a few days to wallow in abject misery and then get on with life. Time really does do the trick. If the space in between is too empty, volunteer to help people? date like a maniac? learn a language or how to sew, anything to keep you busy :) | |
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| putting away reminders...
Posted: 10/19/2008 10:56:46 PM | ClasAct... good advice...
I got rid of things or put them away...it does help...
Sometimes it is so hard...there's that "hard to catch your breath" feeling that makes it hard to sleep sometimes...another friend of mine is also breaking up...She is having a harder time than I ...
friends and family...they are the best...
nice warm thoughts ...plus tea or cocoa...
and writing comments like this online...work too. | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/19/2008 11:05:09 PM | i wouldnt recommend staying friends right after, keep yourself busy, and try to get back to yourself,
when you end a serious relationship and theres still a lot of feelings there, you cant have him around or you wont get passed them. | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/20/2008 8:59:24 AM | | make a clean cut..and move on.Start over with a clean slate and put yourself out there and date.You can't and shouldnt go backwards..ie: friendship..after you have gone all the way..it just wont work.Find yourself a hobby or 2..and then a man.Time heals all wounds. | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/20/2008 11:36:32 AM | | My word. I was going to start the same subject. lol. I am struggling also with a breakup. perhaps if any of you feel sorry then you could always send me a pound each towards a holiday somewhere. Seriously though I have never known a pain like it. Reading through your posts though is really good. There will be light at the end of the tunnel one day. | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/20/2008 7:21:41 PM | It is hard in good and bad relationships. You pray, find good friends, and depends on why you split if you should remain friends..sometimes it makes it harder to let go..
Lynda | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 10/20/2008 9:25:03 PM |
Create diversions when you can.. doing things that make you smile and happy.. and give you some peace of mind...Concentrate on loving YOURSELF now.. work out/ eat well - things that are positive for mind and body... I defiantly agree with you! Great insight! I've been through about 10 relationships ranging from 6 months - 2 1/2 years. My first relationship put me into about a 2 1/2 year depression. It was really hard for me to get over it all. It took me 2 1/2 year to realize that all I had to do was focus on ME and my happiness. Physically and emotionally. Some cheated on me, some left me for other women. The last few bf's haven’t cheated. But no matter how bad the break up I am friends with them all (but the last one that loved me too much and it really wasn’t going anywhere and I had to end it. (For him I can‘t be friends for his benefit, he is not strong enough emotionally to be happy for my happiness with someone else.) You CAN be friends with ex's if you can truly be happy when they are in a relationship and your truly happy for their happiness. If you have "forgiveness and respect" towards them, it can be done. I feel, just because two people didn't work as life long couple, does that mean you have to hate them the rest of your life!? I love them for creating me for who I am today. I grow after each person I date. No matter what they did, we all make mistakes and make stupid choices. I don’t hate them for it. they were being selfish then and they didn't see it at the time. To me it means it wasnt meant to be. To end as bf and gf, then getting Married and it happening would be a lot worse. Depends how you look at life! Take the time to set yourself apart for a while. Maybe you can be friends. Maybe not. Depends on the people and circumstances. Good luck! Ciao bella ;) | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 11/1/2008 1:22:43 PM | | If you (me) are sitting in the dark moping and crying in my beer--just an expression--thinking too much--get up and stop it!! MY lightbulb went off and I said What am I doing !!!---remembering all the reasons he is soooo not right--seeing more in the past few weeks (on line, he is a different person) I am wondring how did I not see him for who he is----Im am not really sure of the real person-----I kept asking for God to tell me why I couldn't make this work---and he showed me!! Protecting me always--- Thank you!!! | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 11/1/2008 1:52:24 PM | cheryl, i'm going through the same thing and what helps me, as most people have already mentioned, are keeping yourself busy doing things you like to do. for example, i have:
* taken up yoga
* go to they gym daily
* ride my motorcycle when it's warm out
* snowboard by myself
* go to sporting events with buddies
* study/homework for school
* play my guitar (i've learned so many new songs but i'm still such a beginner!!!)
* clean up my house
* stay a little later at work to get more things accomplished (hey, my boss appreciates it!)
* write in a private blog
i feel the last one really helps to get things out. i keep the blog private so only i can see my posts so i have no fear of any repercussion from what i happen to write at the time.
oh, and please, please, PLEASE do not try to remain friends...at least at this point, it's much too painful a cross to bear. why put yourself through the unnecessary anguish? when it's over, it's over.
5 years after we broke up, i finally got in touch with one of my ex's...it still felt sort of weird, but we are able to talk like friends now...but it took a long time of us not talking for me to get to that point...
and like good ole' kenny rogers says: "you've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run."
good luck! | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 11/1/2008 1:58:29 PM | "If they don't want you, they don't want you!" Harsh words (my grandfather drilled this into my head), but true!
Hanging on, trying to be a "friend" will only hurt you more......one of the posters said "Cold Turkey" is the best way.....and I agree! | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 11/1/2008 2:06:33 PM | Gouing through the same thing - and it has been very hard - hard enough with no contact - thought I was doing ok - keeping busy - going out with friends - not dating - can't go there yet. Tears had finally stopped, I could actually hear our song and not totally lose it - I could go through part of a day ithout thinking of him - then out of the blue he calls and says he wants to meet with me and still be friends. Talk about panic - I am not sure I can face him and be friends. Our relationship was a year and very passionate and intiate - how do you turn all that off in just a few weeks??
Zee | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 11/1/2008 2:31:23 PM | Hi,
I'm actually C.C. says hi. I changed my code name on here.
Gee, I'm very surprised at all the replies to this. Thank you very much, all of you wonderful people. Very much appreciated. I have read every one of them. You have helped a great deal.
Well, it's kind of a moot point as we are still seeing each other. I mean we started seeing each other again. It's more as friends with benefits. I don't see anything wrong with that as we are two consenting adults.
No matter what I hope he's always in my life. We started out as friends and that's how it will be. Sure I wish for more, who doesn't. That's human nature. I am over 18, I know the risks, we are both honest with each other, we know how we feel and what we want or don't want.
I just said to him if we end it that we stay friends. That's what's important to me.
Thank you all again for your awesome advice.
Cheryl (C.C. or Cherry) | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 11/1/2008 2:36:08 PM | Another post,
actually I have a busy life. I look after two households, am a writer/artist, I have a 19 year old son with all of his love life problems, I have 8 birds and a bunny to look after, friends that keep me busy. I'm pretty active and creative. All of my friends and family are important to me. Just to let ya know a bit about myself. I live near Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
All of you are welcome as my friends.
Take care,
Cheryl. | |
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| How to forget someone? How to let go?
Posted: 11/1/2008 3:01:13 PM |
They havent asked me if I want it...and are making a choice for me.
Thats not Love...and its certainly not a higher expression of their Love either.
They dont know what *I* want or need.
What if what I want and need...is them?
And if they do...why would you take yourself from me...when you know thats not what I want.
They're taking that away from me for nothing except a reason they're justifying to themselves as somehow "better" for me and its ultimately a decision based completely on themselves...thats not Love either.
I truly dont believe there's ever a choice between a person and a situation
There's always a solution. If that solution takes time and negotiating...so be it.
This is about "us"
A job offer?...either dont take it...take me with you or we'll work around it together to have everything we can in the meantime. There are no other choices.
Distance?...you come to me...I will come to you or we'll work around it til we can. Again, there are no other choices.
Since Id only ever entertain a LTR...I dont know any 50 yr relationships where one partner just up and left the partner for *whatever* reason.
You know why? because they DONT. They DONT make those choices. They are NOT choices The relationship and their love for the other person comes first before anything
A confession here first....I don't see eye to eye a lot with PumpKyn often times.
Now a comment. I find this post of yours quite devastating. It describes a lot of the feelings I had about a breakup in a relationship that I never wanted to end, and tried desperately to keep from unraveling.
I've found that simply clearing my mind or going through the motions of being distracted (gym, sports, job, etc) only distract for the time I'm doing them. As soon as the distraction is done, the hurt of missing the ex returns.
This is exactly how it was for me. When I'm in love, I'm in love deeply. When the relationship ends, it really affects me deeply as well. It truly becomes suffering and despair. I hate admitting it to myself even, but it's true.
men seem to take break ups hardest. This will surprise most women today. Most men don't seem to have the emotional outlets and connections that women do....so, they suffer more, but internalize it more as well, for that is the nature of most men.
Men certainly don't have the support systems that women seem to from friends and family. I certainly found it that way.
To answer the OP. The only thing that I know of that will minimize and heal the pain of a breakup is time.
Personally, I'm never friends with someone after we've broken up. If we ended up broken up, it's because I lost (at bare minimum) the amount of respect I would need in order to be friends with someone. | |
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