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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 9:32:30 AM |
You are correct..I am not a cynic ( admitted hopeless romantic here)...and I believe in kindness and consideration, especially for people with trauma, and certainly from someone who says they love you...I can not rid the world of all the people who behave selfishly or meanly..but, I can certainly suggest that it isn't good behavior... I DO agree with this....absolutely and wholeheartedly!!!! BUT...I think it works in the REVERSE as well!
Zangy states that those ESPECIALLY with "trauma" should be considered....but I've found that it's not the "trauma".....but the one who wants LESS (or minimum intimacy) who is always the one who prevails. Please be aware however that NOT every child who has a history of sexual abuse ends up hating sex. EXAMPLE: I was sexually abused as a young child....raped as a teenager.....and I LOVE sex!!! LOL! (NO, I did NOT like the abuse or rape....but that was about "control"....NOT sex). My 20+ year marriage ENDED not because I didn't want x, y, or z....but because HE didn't! LOL! I truly (20 years worth) TRIED to accept the fact that he was VERY inhibited....had a very negative opinion of "sex"....and in HIS mind....anything that wasn't after 10pm with all lights off....and for Gawd's sake...DON'T even think about acting like you were enjoying the disgusting act. But according to this "if you love me" stuff......I WAS the one who was not loving or accepting or considerate. You see??? It's because HE wanted LESS. His was not due to trauma...but rather just being raised that all women hate sex and they just do it out of obligation. I truly think that part of the problem was that he respected me so much he couldn't bring himself to accept that I had a totally DIFFERENT outlook on the subject. To ME....sex was about initmacy and acceptance, and everthing that he rejected.....was a rejection of ME. (personally) So, as I say.....TRAUMA really has nothing to do with this issue!!! (Honestly...it doesn't) I mean....come on....I think being raped with a knife at my throat was PROBABLY a little more "traumatic" than his parents telling him that sex was a dirty act. So please STOP using "trauma" as an excuse....because that's really ALL it is....an excuse.
12 years later.....I'm still the "evil" one because I divorced him because of his total REJECTION of me.....because I wanted MORE. I mistakenly thought that I should be allowed...or at least tolerated when I wanted to try something, or say something....LOL! or at the very least ask whether or not we might be having sex sometime this YEAR!!!
Truly...this is about compatibility....quantity, quality, and NOT trauma. The one who wants "less" will always be in control....and the one who wants more will always suffer,and will always be the "evil" one... and that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Nobody will EVER have any sympathy for my "trauma"....because I'm the one who wanted MORE. Nobody will ever say.....well, if HE love you...he would have been more willing to overcome his inhibitions! Not happenin....not in this lifetime....or probably any other! | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 9:40:51 AM | Men love getting bj's. It's just part of their dna.
I'm not sure if I could be with someone that didn't like it.
Sorry for your experience.
Therapy may help you. Just a thought. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 10:48:45 AM | Chaotic wrote:
PTSD can be triggered by different things. It is very possible that is what triggers this woman. Some psychological problems can be controlled, but not cured. Why pressure someone like this?
TMJ is a medical condition that makes eating difficult. Some TMJ patients can have resolution, but not all. There are many medical conditions that prevent movements in the mouth, head, neck, and jaw.
These are true reasons a woman might have problems with giving a BJ.
But the simple fact is that if a woman doesn't want to, she won't. It is her choice. OP has her reasons and I understand. There are however in my experience not ONE man who has kicked me "to the curb", because I can't give a BJ just on a whim.
Example: Today it is rainy, which makes my medical condition more obvious to me. Not a day that it would be a day I would be really "into" giving. But that also depends on my BF, what he does and how he approaches me can sometimes make me at least try.
Guys, if you don't want to live without a BJ, it is your choice...  | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 11:11:16 AM |
There are however in my experience not ONE man who has kicked me "to the curb", because I can't give a BJ just on a whim.
We're not talking about keeping a woman "On Call" for oral sex 24/7. We're talking about not having oral sex... Ever. I like going down on a woman for the pleasure it gives her, not because I get off on eating pu$$y! When I was first learning to eat at the Y, I didn't like being down there, working my ass (Tongue) off, for no reaction or payoff. As I got better at it and saw the reaction I could get from her, I became addicted. As long as a woman looks at giving me pleasure as something disgusting, or beneath her, then she isn't the woman for me.
Oh yeah, if I have to ask for something that she knows I want, or I don't ever get it, that ruins it, too. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 12:52:48 PM |
I'm interested in any males opinion here, thanks.
My opinion is that you should seek men who don't mind not getting blowjobs. I don't wish to appear unsympathetic, but what stands in the way of you and oral sex is not the abuse, it's your unwillingness to stop being a victim. It's your life, so stop letting your abuser control the way you think. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 2:01:38 PM |
Shouldn't this subject be in the sexuality forum? I was thinking the same thing.
Show ALL Forums > Sex and Dating > Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs? .. where is it?! | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:05:21 PM | gee ...I have been dealing with it for 4 years now...prolly nothin but dust will come out when it does happen again...anyone have a dust mask and a few hours to spare ?
T | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:27:23 PM |
To some people the thought of putting a penis in their mouth turns them off. It can't be considered selfish because there won't be any sex. With such a high rate of women that don't enjoy it, I think there are women doing it because they have to or there are many men on here that want to but really aren't getting it.
There are many things that people do, as a gift of love, to their partners in a relationship, and they "like" doing it, because it brings their partner pleasure. That was the point that began the merry go around with you, Chaotic. Giving a woman oral, is not intrinsically "enjoyable" to many men, but it's something that many men do, because it brings pleasure to their partners.
So, if someone only cares what she "likes", in total disregard of her partner's needs, then she is a selfish, self-absorbed person, and bad news in a relationship. My bet is that most women who "won't", just because they don't want to, will be controlling and selfish in many other areas. That is why this becomes an issue of some importance. Is she willing to "give" of herself for the benefit of her partner, as an intimate gift of love?
PTSD can be triggered by different things. It is very possible that is what triggers this woman. Some psychological problems can be controlled, but not cured. Why pressure someone like this?
TMJ is a medical condition that makes eating difficult. Some TMJ patients can have resolution, but not all. There are many medical conditions that prevent movements in the mouth, head, neck, and jaw.
Most men, who have responded to this thread, have said that, if a woman has a real "issue", either psychological or physical, that they would understand. In point of fact, my SO has a physical condition, similar to TMJ, that only allows her to do oral without physical pain, now and then. So, sometimes, when she knows it won't cause her pain, she does. I don't make an issue of it. So, even in her case, where there is a physical issue, she will sometimes give oral, as a gift, that isn't asked for, but always appreciated.
I contrast that loving, giving attitude, in a relationship, with someone who only cares if she "wants to". My choice is "A".
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:32:46 PM |
gee ...I have been dealing with it for 4 years now...prolly nothin but dust will come out when it does happen again...anyone have a dust mask and a few hours to spare ?
T, why ever it has been 4 yrs is long if you like BJs, I'm sorry. I hope you are not sorry of your lack of BJs. But do you mind, I'm curious?
As for the dust, I think a good "blow" and off it will go! LOL  But hey, just think of the joy we have when we dust off a treasure, I think that is like when you collect a treasure, no matter if which party it is. The brushing off of the art and getting back into it a special time and one that helps you bond with your SO as you "re-learn" the art of having or giving a BJ to your SO.
Good Luck to T and to the OP.......
Romantic  | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:33:33 PM |
That's because you need to discount those guys wanting to earn p*ssy points.
While I am sure this does happen...that theory has two flaws...if they are lying..they are going to wind up with someone who doesn't do BJ's...doesn't seem likely?..lol..and the fact that I personally know men who feel the same way...genuinely and honestly...that' s kind of a weak argument , don't you think rock? It's easy to claim that all men who disagree with you must be working the crowd? Hard to prove or disprove?
Actually what I see is: "You must love me never mind what". Sorry, but to be loved you must be, and keep being, lovable. To "be loved" is not a right, you have to earn it.
Well, this doesn't make sense...a man wouldn't even start with a woman who didn't like BJ's, if they were important to him..so, love is a non issue...plus, in the beginning no one says "you must love me"? You don't earn my love in my life...I love you because of who you are...love isn't a right, but, neither is it something that should have a ton of conditions on it..now, one's tolerance for continued bad behavior is one thing...but, I don't stop loving people who don't do what I want all the time...if I truly love them...if it can't be fixed..I may leave them...but, my love wasn't the issue...
Whether one is "lovable" or not is very subjective...presumably, if a man falls in love with me knowing all these things, including my flaws...then what was lovable about me was more than my ability to always do the right thing..or to be in total agreement..this is a moot point...by the time one falls in love, they already know what is acceptable to the other partner or not, and either they love them anyway, or they don't..plus, I know plenty of people that love other people who aren't very nice to them..I never said a man ( or a woman , for that matter) had to put up with any totally unacceptable behavior...whether I like giving BJ's or not...seems a really minor gauge of whether I am "lovable" or not...incompatible maybe...but, not lovable?
I really know few men who will do things that turn them off...sexual or otherwise...people have the right to have boundaries...you don't have to agree...but, you can't condemn them for having them...
Yes, I am. Therefore, I avoid those "I don't do xxx, so you must give it up" women. After all, what "me me me" is worse: The one who affects only yourself, or the one that affects other people?
We are talking in circles...you either accept a person's mindset or you don't...odds are , if you don't..you won't date them...Having boundaries isn't about me, me, me..I really disagree with you here...if you want to extrapolate that out...means women have to like and agree to do anything sexual a man likes? Or men have to like and agree with anything a woman likes..sexual or otherwise? I have certainly had men ask me to forgo things because they weren't their cup of tea...either I liked them enough to do it, or I didn't...why is this an issue for you? If a woman isn't on the same page as you sexually..you don't date her...BUT...doesn't make her wrong..just different..relationships are about compromise...
And yes, I am one has difficulty with the mindset of : if I didn't like BJ's, that makes me a worthless person? That's how it sounds...
But the final outcome is the same: The guy is punished because of it. The only difference is, in the trauma case, the guy is seen as a bigger jerk than in the second case.
Well, what can I say rock hunter...we are all responsible for our choices in the first instance...guys aren't the only ones punished in relationships..you don't have a monopoly on dealing with your needs not being addressed...and I think that what many women can't get their brain (heart) around..is the absolute life and death..my needs are more important than yours...it becomes a viscous cycle...ideally, both people should be considerate and fulfill each others needs..but, even then...I have accepted that sometimes I have needs a man can't or doesn't want to fulfill...and I'm not saying he isn't lovable because of it..or he is some kind of evil creation...it's the underlying tone of: women exist to do what we want under any circumstances...and if they don't agree...then they are defective..
And yes, I think any person ( either gender) that can't do without a self serving attribute for a good reason, for someone they love..is wrong...I think self sacrifice is involved in any loving relationship..from both people..there is no way to find two people who think exactly alike on all issue across the board...we can't always get everything we want..in life, or in a relationship..and to expect it is unrealistic...
As you say, everyone has their likes and dislikes. What you shouldn't do is to ask others to give up what they want, just because you don't want to give it. If you check this thread, most of those "no way" men haven't said that they would demand her to do what she doesn't want to do. They simply leave and look for somebody who wants to do it.
Why would this be an issue at this point? You should have known at the decision to date or not...motive is important rock..why someone doesn't want to do something is very important...don't want to is not the same as " I can't "..I have never said men who think BJ's are the most important part of sex should date women who don't like, or can't do them..I have said...in many ways, I thought...that there is no reason to criticize the OP because she can't ...not my cup of tea is enough? What brings the negative comments from people ( I think), is: I want what I want, and any person who won't do what I want..is by definition..evil, bad, sick, wrong..etc, etc...it's a defensive response..kinda like when they then get defensive themselves..how about..we are all different..no one has the market cornered on "right" or "perfect"...and we all don't have the same experiences or abilities...we may not match with a person..but, that doesn't make them "wrong", and us right...
Garndmabooboo: I would just like to comment that everyone is not capable of handling trauma or adversity in the same way, we don't all have the same strengths and abilities...I handle it well, but I have a sister who doesn't..I don't have any less sympathy for her because she can't do it the way I do it..while I agree you were mistreated in your marriage,and he was wrong, and you want no sympathy for your trauma...your situation isn't common to everyone...and some people just take longer, or a different route to heal..seems most of us seem to believe that anything we can do, and do well ...anyone can do...just not the case...I don't think you should have had to deal with it if you were that unhappy...but, it isn't always like that...one dislike in a whole range of possibilities isn't the same...at some point...none of us will get everything we want... | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:44:08 PM |
I contrast that loving, giving attitude, in a relationship, with someone who only cares if she "wants to". My choice is "A".
Like I said before...not "wanting" to is not the same as being totally turned off ..or if it is something that cause considerable pain ( emotional or physical)..I'm sure even those men who give oral and don't like it...it is a minor discomfort isn't it? I am talking major here...even without the issue thing..by this reasoning..if my man really likes S/M..but, it hurts too much for me to enjoy it...I should anyway?
I'm sorry Ren..this sounds like..endure anything that he finds a turn on..no matter how it affects me? Because what he wants carries more weight than my comfort or enjoyment level...personally, I don't care for any sexual activity that I don't enjoy..or that causes unpleasant feelings...and this may be where many men and women differ...I don't expect a man to do anything sexual he doesn't enjoy..no matter that I like it or not...and I certainly don't want him forcing himself to do something that only feels good to me if he does enjoy it... | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:53:21 PM | | I think that we all have some kind of hang up, whether it be BJ, or say, dating a particular race, if we have gone through trama in our lives that is related to the situation. Heck, people are afraid of elevators if they have been stuck in them for a long period of time, so it is the same thing. I, personally, also abhor giving oral sex for similar reasons to your original posting; I also can not see myself dating a particular racial group due to a past unhappy situation. It seems like many men are hung up on having the almighty BJ. I just tell them that I am not their gal and that the one they are looking works on Lucky Street. Perhaps, I am seen as a prude, but I have my reasons for why I can not and will not oblige. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:59:23 PM | | To the person who asked what this has to do with the topic, it has a GREAT DEAL to do with the topic. As a Native American woman, I have a difficult time fathoming what it doesn't have to do with the topic. Perhaps you need to educate yourself on what happened instead of thinking that it has no rhyme or reason for being here. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 9:02:58 PM |
I just tell them that I am not their gal and that the one they are looking works on Lucky Street
This post would have been a positive one, had it not veered into this comment that the "bad girls" are the ones who give BJ, rather than accepting that she has a dysfunction, and asking for understanding. Fact is, most women do. Some women don't, because of "issues", either psychological or physical. Some women don't, because they're too self-absorbed or selfish to care about anything beyond what they "want", and if there's nothing in it for them personally, then they won't. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/5/2008 9:11:38 PM |
T, why ever it has been 4 yrs is long if you like BJs, I'm sorry. I hope you are not sorry of your lack of BJs. But do you mind, I'm curious? .
I have been on a sabatical of sorts and time has just gone by...I havent dated in 4 years and dont do the bar thing , now I am living in the mountains and women are few and far between.
I do remember days gone by tho, in which I met a few amazing women that almost made me pass out....ahhh glory days
T | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/6/2008 1:57:20 AM |
Renaissance Man (Msg 307) ...What the hell does this rant have to do with the topic?...
It was a response to "Zangie" (Msg 275) where she stated that far fewer men have been raped and/or sexually assaulted & that 'men' have no clue what that does to a woman or how it feels... blah, blah, blah
My "rant" as you put it, clearly stated that at least in my experience, far more men have been sexually abused in religion. Therefore regardless of who is (sexually) abused, the abused certainly know the challenges of sexual abuse & continuously have to deal with it on a daily basis. It completely effects their ability to have a healthy & normal relationship.
The topic is BJ's, the discussion I emphatically related to is that those who are traumatized relive the ordeal if pressured into doing something to which they are not comfortable. Therefore it has everything to do with the topic. Pay closer attention to those who talk about Trauma...
"Celebrtlife" (Msg 310) comments "...Men love getting bj's. It's just part of their dna. I'm not sure if I could be with someone that didn't like it..."
A homorous tongue-in-cheek cynical response could well be that I wholeheardedly agree with "Celebrtlife," just ask any priest (dna) & if you're looking for the ultimate BJ & experience, just drop down to the local 'Blue Oyster Bar' & 'Tinky Winky' Club any day of the week. They'll gladly accommodate you & have no hard (pun intended) feelings doing it. NOW, please don't take any of my comments that I'm implying that any of us here have homosexual urges, we don't...
POSITIVE ROLE MODELING - Dammit, if it's good enough for a former President of the United States & it didn't leave her with a bad taste, it must be good for the WHOLE NATION. Lead by example. God Bless...
**~Remington55~** 
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/6/2008 2:25:38 AM | | I'm sorry to hear about your abuse hun. I think most men would understand where you are coming from and if they did'nt well they are selfish anyway. The big questionn is what can you do other than BJ's. Well you dont need me to tell you there are plenty alternatives for you to try. So if your new man doesn't understand that ditch him. xxx | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:00:10 AM |
My "rant" as you put it, clearly stated that at least in my experience, far more men have been sexually abused in religion.
The topic is BJ's
No, it's not. It's about whether men can deal with not getting blowjobs, and the OP specificallystates within the context of a heterosexual relationship
BTW, I was "deviantly sexually assaulted, at the age of 28, while working part time as a cab driver in Chicago. Being a victim of assault, has nothing to do with the topic, and the rant was anti Catholic bashing, inappropriate to the forum or topic.
Should we ask the mods to decide if your comments are on topic? | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:31:19 AM | | Sorry to hear about your harsdhip and great to see you move on. Fortunately, I think you live in a part of the world where men tend to be more understanding. Best of wishes | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:45:39 AM | | No oral sex for LIFE is definitely a deal-breaker for me. I would like to work out those terms with my partner and help her deal with any issues or hangups she may have about it, though. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/6/2008 7:28:00 AM | OP ..
I am sorry for what has happened to you.. and it takes great courage to come to an open forum and ask this question.
Just wondering.. Have you put this issue behind you, have you gotten the proper counseling..
Just thinking that maybe you haven't put this issue behind you. | |
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