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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 7:13:16 PM | I don't know about anyone else, but I thought most men didn't give BJ's that is was gay men that did and they are a minority?
That was a typo. If you look at the entire paragraph, then you can tell I was referring to men who didn't give oral sex to women.
I think most surveys conducted by Universities are pretty darn accurate.
I disagree. Many surveys have eventually been proven to be not accurate or inconclusive. Sometimes 5 surveys about the same topic can produce 5 different results.
But neither one of those points has to do with anyone that has physical or mental challenges that aren't capable of performing them. The OP wanted to know how many men are really out there. To me it seems pretty hedonistic if you wouldn't be able to work around someone's challenges. That is why not everyone is compatible.
What is different between a man wanting a BJ and other requirements such as "you must love dogs" or "you must be over a certain height". Everybody has some "must haves" whether it's sexual, physical, or something else. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 8:38:50 PM |
Any decent, caring partner should be able to go without. [/qoute]
Who are you to judge what "any decent, caring partner" should do?
Why should he? Why would a man enter into a relationship, if the relationship does not offer the potential to meet what he considers an important need? Why wouldn't he, in a new relationship, move on to find someone who is ready, willing, and able to meet his needs? Don't we each get to choose what's important to each of us in a relationship? | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 8:59:25 PM |
What is different between a man wanting a BJ and other requirements such as "you must love dogs" or "you must be over a certain height". Everybody has some "must haves" whether it's sexual, physical, or something else.
What has been most enlightening for me has been the way lots of men equate sexual acts as just one of those ordinary things , comparable to "loving dogs"..like why would any woman mind anything that they enjoy sexually..it's just sex? It apparently is a little more personal for some women, and isn't about it being "just sex".
I guess it is a revelation in a way..I mean I always knew they see it different...I just didn't realize till this thread...how little they can relate to a woman having an aversion to anything sexual ,for any reason...because to them..there are no uncomfortable, painful, unpleasant, gross,,whatever sexual acts...and even if there were, women should endure for their pleasure..makes one wonder...how is that any different than saying women are being self centered or selfish but not doing it?
I don't mean this as a criticism really...just been eye opening to say the least...and I think it has a lot to do with the different ways genders look at it..
For the record...I have very few "issues" with sex, and they tend to fall on the extreme side of the fence...though there is one thing that was so awful when it happened to me...not ever going to enjoy again...most likely..., never say never..right guy thing too( wasn't a BJ either..lol)..
I don't suggest that that anything two adults consent to is a bad thing, (consent being the operative word) nor do I suggest that either gender should do without things that are important to them...however, it just surprises me that of all the sexual activities...a BJ is the one men are most likely to dump you for..or , not giving one to be exact...when it is basically foreplay in my mind...and like someone else has said...just a different way to masturbate?
What bothers me is the sense of entitlement? How are men any more entitled to BJ's or anything else sexual, then women are to their money for instance? Or to love...men are always carping on here about women feeling entitled...as regards to sex ( probably the most important need for men, in most cases)..how is this any different? If women want/need love, or security..most men now a days have no problem saying ..you aren't entitled to it..or not going there...but, if a men wants/needs a particular sexual thing, how is a woman saying you aren't entitled any different?
I think pleasing a man you care about however you can, or however he desires is great...if it is within your ability, for whatever reason...but, the minute he demands it, or suggests that I owe it to him...I'm sure I feel the same way as the men who complain about how women are only after their money....etc...giving from my heart is one thing...being told it is my job is another?
And a lot of this thread has sounded like men saying they are entitled...on top of giving the OP a hard time for having a problem with it...
I would hope that any man who loves me would be just as respectful about my needs or flaws, or issues as I am about his...this is the core of what dismayed me...the unwillingness to understand...
And my revelation may have pointed to the answer...they may not understand because they just don't see it the same way as I do... to them sex is just sex...and there should be no emotional thoughts or conditions to it, or , god forbid, feelings...the truth is, for me, and probably lots of women...sex is emotional..and our feelings about it are too...even when we are highly sexual...rooted in the same thoughts...I want to do what pleases my guy because I care about him...and I will try my best...but, some things, no matter how much I care...are so unpleasant...ruins the feelings? I'm betting guys don't have that issue with sex?
Sigh...I am really trying to understand...really...but, the more I learn, the more I wonder if it's even possible to have a meeting of the minds between the sexes...and whether men care if we ever do or not.... | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:07:56 PM | PS:
I never inflicted my "issues" on someone else in a relationship, though, and stayed out of the dating game for the time it took to heal.
This is one of things that really can irritate me about some guys...like they are perfect, and they never do anything wrong or have any issues..and they fix everything perfectly when they do have them...
Take it from someone who knows...you can go to all the therapy you want...you can deal with most of the big things...and still, there are some things that scar you permanently..and it doesn't make you "bad", or screwed up....just human...which apparently isn't acceptable to a lot of people on POF...those who aren't perfect or "fixed"...need not apply?
Sigh....why am I on here again?..lol...I'm certainly no where near perfect...nor do I expect it...
Oh right...the forums are so much fun...lol... | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:14:48 PM | I never inflicted my "issues" on someone else in a relationship, though, and stayed out of the dating game for the time it took to heal. This is one of things that really can irritate me about some guys...like they are perfect, and they never do anything wrong or have any issues..and they fix everything perfectly when they do have them...
It's not a matter of being "perfect", Zangie. It's a question of being "functional". If someone can't function normally, then he/she is dysfunctional. In the case of the OP, if receiving oral sex is a "critical" issue for him, then she is "dysfunctional", and they're not a match.
What bothers me is the sense of entitlement? How are men any more entitled to BJ's
It's not a matter of "entitlement", so much as it's a matter of preferences about whom to date, or with whom to enter into a relationship. If you aren't compatible sexually, you aren't a match for a serious relationship. It will, in time, undermine the entire relationship, if there is sexual dysfunction. So, if it's important to a man that oral sex be a part of their sex life, and a woman can't or won't, they're both better off looking elsewhere. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:21:16 PM |
What has been most enlightening for me has been the way lots of men equate sexual acts as just one of those ordinary things , comparable to "loving dogs"..like why would any woman mind anything that they enjoy sexually..it's just sex? It apparently is a little more personal for some women, and isn't about it being "just sex".
The point I'm making is this. A woman does not have to give a man a BJ if she doesn't want to. But a man also doesn't have to date a woman who dislikes BJs if BJs are important to him. Just like a woman doesn't have to date a man who dislikes dogs if dogs are that important to her. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:55:17 PM | | i have too admit i give a good bJ/ I have too admit I like it but I also like the hand but don't go to long because i have too have it too. It goes both ways | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:58:56 PM | | I love giving oral more than receiving but do enjoy getting blow jobs. You shgould seek therapy for your problem. Fix your issues instead of forcing someone you care for to live with it. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 10:12:47 PM | | i am sorry for the abuse of any female men deal with not getting a BJ from his lover wife because there will be a female who will do it for himout there somewhere i study sex and relationships and being a ex swinger i find couples have problem staying together due to lack of mental stimulation and common interest and sexual it is my findings lack of same sexual interest and common goals and interest couples do not attract and will not want to stay together long so when meets common hobbies and foods and sports are great but if you do not talk about sexual interests it will not work so allways remember be safe have fun thankyou | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 10:26:20 PM |
The point I'm making is this. A woman does not have to give a man a BJ if she doesn't want to. But a man also doesn't have to date a woman who dislikes BJs if BJs are important to him. Just like a woman doesn't have to date a man who dislikes dogs if dogs are that important to her.
I 'm not suggesting a man should date a woman who dislikes them, if he does..I am suggesting they shouldn't vilify women who don't? It's more the attitude than any woman who doesn't like them must be screwed up? ( and I'm not even one of those) Which brings me to:
then she is "dysfunctional", and they're not a match.
There it is....not liking a particular sexual act is "dysfunctional"..not just a preference ( though liking BJ's so much you select based on them is a preference)...dysfunctional to me is not being able to enjoy any sex, or live in the real world effectively, of not being able to function at anything...and , of course, there again..assumption always is that the man is functional, the woman is not...not liking BJ's or any other sex act is not dysfunctional ..not liking sex at all probably is...we are all dysfunctional to some extent, don't you think? Some could claim some men may be dysfunctional in the romance/caring etc department by that reasoning?
I'll never get it...I don't date based on one aspect of anything...and initial rejections only come from two things for me...not attracted and mean and inconsiderate...everything else develops as we continue to learn about each other....and if most of the major things are good...I adjust to the others. Great sex is important, I just can't believe BJ's carry more weight overall...even while I knew how much a lot of men like them..and even why for the most part...and even thinking they are pretty cool myself...I can't fathom someone dumping me over them, or me dumping them...like I said...major revelation here...
And now I'm done...maybe on the forums forever...I obviously don't fit in this POF world...where everything seems to be about who's getting sex, how often, how much, and what kind..and love is of a secondary, if any, consideration at all..
I am so depressed...lol.. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/7/2008 10:41:43 PM |
then she is "dysfunctional", and they're not a match. There it is....not liking a particular sexual act is "dysfunctional"..not just a preference ( though liking BJ's so much you select based on them is a preference)...dysfunctional to me is not being able to enjoy any sex, or live in the real world effectively, of not being able to function at anything...and , of course, there again..assumption always is that the man is functional, the woman is not...not liking BJ's or any other sex act is not dysfunctional ..not liking sex at all probably is...we are all dysfunctional to some extent, don't you think? Some could claim some men may be dysfunctional in the romance/caring etc department by that reasoning?
Context is everything, Zangie.
If a man views it important that he only enter into a relationship with a woman, who is willing to perform oral sex, for that relatioship to be functional his partner would be someone who would be willing to do so. Some other man, who doesn't care much about oral, might be offering a relationship, where she "functions" just fine.
For example, I am a functional human being, who loves baseball. If someone were to put me on a major league team now, I would be "dysfunctional" as a major league player.
It's simply a matter of definitions, and if you have read my posts in this thread, there has been no vilification of women. In point of fact, my live with SO has physical issues, that only allow for oral now and then, so, when she does, it's her idea. I never ask.
So, as I said in my first post in this thread, if the OP is otherwise an enthusiastic, and open, sexual partner, no problem, so long as it's not critically important to the guy. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/8/2008 2:46:19 AM | They can deal without getting it and some will probably make it a point to just not get it from you...
Just make peace with the latter....
I'm no fan of oral period, giving or receiving....I'm just dysfunctional that way... | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/8/2008 2:56:19 AM | I just didn't realize till this thread...how little they can relate to a woman having an aversion to anything sexual ,for any reason..
Again, even if a man "relates" to that, why should he choose to suffer because of it?
and even if there were, women should endure for their pleasure..
If you don't want to, don't do it. So, why do you expect that a man should endure for your pleasure?
it just surprises me that of all the sexual activities... a BJ is the one men are most likely to dump you for..or , not giving one to be exact...when it is basically foreplay in my mind...and like someone else has said...just a different way to masturbate?
If it's so unimportant for you, why don't you give it anyway? I love when a woman thinks that something is so unimportant that she shouldn't bothered with doing it, but is willing to let the relationship flounder because of such unimportant thing.
What bothers me is the sense of entitlement? How are men any more entitled to BJ's or anything else sexual, then women are to their money for instance?
I think you're being dense on purpose. We are not entitled to BJs. We are entitled to look for women who like to give BJs. Big difference. Women are not entitled to our money, but they're entitled to seek for men who will give them money. Understand now?
Sigh...I am really trying to understand...really...but, the more I learn, the more I wonder if it's even possible to have a meeting of the minds between the sexes...and whether men care if we ever do or not....
No, you aren't. You're trying to make men justify their wants and needs, to then tell us why we shouldn't want and need those.
I am suggesting they shouldn't vilify women who don't?
Again, "not dating someone" is not "vilifying her".
If women want/need love, or security..most men now a days have no problem saying ..you aren't entitled to it..or not going there...but, if a men wants/needs a particular sexual thing, how is a woman saying you aren't entitled any different?
Why exactly do you think nowadays we don't have a problem with telling you that you aren't entitled to it? Because YOU taught us, with all your "you're not entitled to anything from me" crap. We learned that, if we are not entitled to something, perhaps you're not entitled, either.
Some could claim some men may be dysfunctional in the romance/caring etc department by that reasoning?
Er... where have you been all these years? Such is a very, very common claim and yes, men are dumped because of it.
Great sex is important, I just can't believe BJ's carry more weight overall...even while I knew how much a lot of men like them..and even why for the most part...and even thinking they are pretty cool myself...I can't fathom someone dumping me over them, or me dumping them...like I said...major revelation here...
Major revelation, indeed. What will you do about it?
And now I'm done...maybe on the forums forever...I obviously don't fit in this POF world...where everything seems to be about who's getting sex, how often, how much, and what kind..and love is of a secondary, if any, consideration at all..
If such "love" were for real, to give him sex, very frequenty, a lot, and of all kinds would be a source of joy, not just a chore to do in order to avoid being dumped. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/8/2008 8:19:24 AM | I 'm not suggesting a man should date a woman who dislikes them, if he does..I am suggesting they shouldn't vilify women who don't? It's more the attitude than any woman who doesn't like them must be screwed up? ( and I'm not even one of those)
Fair enough. But men who wouldn't date a woman because she dislikes giving BJ shouldn't be criticized either. Some women ( not necessary you ) have called men all kinds of rude names for not dating women who dislike BJs. There are many women who wouldn't date a man who doesn't give oral sex. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/8/2008 8:27:59 AM | I'm sorry to hear about the abuse and I think that's something that most guys with half a heart can understand. Personally, blowjobs are not REQUIRED but are very much enjoyed....I love oral (both giving and receiving) and would rather have a partner that is more sexually open than inhibited.
I think the #1 thing is WHY you don't give them, and if I was dating you and grew to really care about you, then I'd just have to deal with that. Although, if marriage was on the agenda, I'd hate to know that I'd never get another BJ in my life :(
Just be honest from the get go, and if they are not understanding, dump em and move on. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/8/2008 8:34:50 AM | Maybe someday if you meet the right man it won't bother you so much.
If you are still kind of traumatized sexually, I would recommend counseling. I think if you can move past the trauma, you might enjoy it. Someday. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/8/2008 4:58:55 PM | First of all OP I want to state again that I am sorry that you have been traumatized. I have read each and everyone of these posts since I last posted.
I have to be honest I believe you may need more theraphy and you may never enjoy it. The bottom line is to be honest and up front with who ever you are with. Some men it wouldnt' bother in the least others' it will bother greatly.
My marriage was a man that didn't enjoy giving or receiving oral sex and I have to be honest with myself I honestly believe that it would end up being considerable strife.
Since I enjoy giving and receiving oral sex.
If for some reason that was medical then I would deal with it, but it would bother me. I think there is a degree of intimacy in this act of sex that can't be duplicated. I also believe if you don't give it you sure don't have a right to expect to get it.
I think this topic could be used to bash and trash each gender I am not even going there. I just think it is a deep personal decision that has to come from with in and knowing yourself,what you will, can or won't do.
Bottom line be upfront and honest about what you can do. For example I don't mend I tell any potential partner I am not mending rips or tears. I might be convinced to sew on a button but doubt it since I know a great seamstress and he can do it. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/8/2008 6:11:20 PM | OP, like many others here I am sorry to hear of your past experiences as a child.
I think you need to try and get past the victim stage, take back your life, your sexuality and seek some councilling. I have worked with rape victims and you need to separate the violence/abuse of your attacker from your sexuality, as this will prevent you from loving and being loved. The choice and power are in your realm and its up to you whether or not you remain a victim.
I believe you need to understand that the act of violence that you were involved in as a child, is much difference from the act of lovemaking in a loving, caring, nuturing relationship. I think a good councillor might be able to help regain your sexuality.
You are a beautiful young woman, with a lot to offer the right man. The right man, will share a life with you, which includes sexual pleasure from loving and being loved - that only happens in a loving relationship. This is a world away from abuse and I wish for you in time, to be able to be in control of your sexuality, and with the right person have a healthy sex life - which includes oral.
If you think more about pleasing and being pleased, instead of violence and make the men you date realize that you need to take things slow - the right man will stand beside you. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/8/2008 7:05:11 PM | Rock: So glad I gave you something to respond to...lol...
Again, even if a man "relates" to that, why should he choose to suffer because of it?
Not once have I suggested a man suffer...and I think we get it tangled about when first meeting someone and once actually dating for a time...for myself, it is the way some men object..not that they object?
If you don't want to, don't do it. So, why do you expect that a man should endure for your pleasure?
Didn't say this either...I think a man should understand where someone is coming from and not make her feel any worse than she might already feel...and, yes , a part of me does believe that compassion is a good quality...however, it does no one any good to accept something begrudgingly, and then resent it later...if it is that important...don't compromise...but,don't tell her something is wrong with her in the process?
I think you're being dense on purpose. We are not entitled to BJs. We are entitled to look for women who like to give BJs. Big difference. Women are not entitled to our money, but they're entitled to seek for men who will give them money. Understand now?
Sure, I do...not how some of these posts sounded though..sounded more like they felt it was their right? Could be misinterpretation...internet and all...but, if I read it several times, I think I can grasp it...
Because YOU taught us, with all your "you're not entitled to anything from me" crap. We learned that, if we are not entitled to something, perhaps you're not entitled, either.
I personally, didn't tell you any such thing...and I don't remember ever actually saying that to any guy personally..just how I feel about it...then, again...none of them acted like they were entitled to anything...so, it was a moot point..
No, you aren't. You're trying to make men justify their wants and needs, to then tell us why we shouldn't want and need those.
Don't tell me what I am doing...I know myself, I think, better than anyone else?..you don't have justify your wants and needs...again, it's more about the way it is presented than the fact it exists, there is no reason why you shouldn't have them, like there is no reason why I shouldn't have mine.
However, I am just trying to find a way to communicate and get along with men, especially on here, without the rancor? ...and whether you want to believe me or not..I am trying to understand...I would truly like to discuss where each of us ( generally, not you and I particularly) are coming from , and promote understanding and solutions instead of attacking each other...solves nothing, changes nothing...just makes everyone cynical and jaded..
Again, "not dating someone" is not "vilifying her".
The parts that upset me weren't where they just said they wouldn't date her...it was where they accused her of having unrealistic issues, or being damaged, or just being difficult, or where they psychoanalyzed her ( and to be fair..some women did it too)...like no understanding of where it originates...and some obviously projecting onto her issues they've had with other women...women who just refused out of spite or true selfishness..something some also accused her of...you don't have to deal with this is you don't want to Rock...but, to accuse her of being worthless in the process offends my sense of empathy? Regardless of whether she needs more therapy or the right guy or not...of course, if too many men aren't willing to work with it, it is still sad to me.
Er... where have you been all these years? Such is a very, very common claim and yes, men are dumped because of it.
I'm sure they have been...but, I don't go on threads and point that out to them in a personal , insulting way? I guess that's my problem here...can one not disagree without meanness? OR try to explain it from a man's point of view in a way that isn't hurtful? ( and yes, I can be overly sensitive, (But, so can a lot of men and women both) and lots of men aren't good at diplomacy or not being brutally honest for the sake of the "naked" truth...I guess I don't see where any of this helped her at all, in fact, I'd guess since she hasn't been back...it just upset her and made her feel worse? Are these kinds of threads for actually helping someone...or just to berate anyone one doesn't agree with?
Major revelation, indeed. What will you do about it?
Well, I don't need to do anything about it...since I happen to not have a problem with it to begin with, and no man has ever dumped me over a sexual issue of any kind, and none of my relationships failed because of sexual issues or complaints on either side...I don't think I have a problem in this case...just was trying to get a handle on the "sex is the most important thing in the world" mindset...knew it was there to some extent...didn't know it precluded anything else good or special...I have this fantasy ...that I am more than my sexual functions to a guy...and every time I see it probably isn't true too often..I get a bit disappointed..lol..
f such "love" were for real, to give him sex, very frequenty, a lot, and of all kinds would be a source of joy, not just a chore to do in order to avoid being dumped.
This is kind of my point...almost everyone I know has sexual things that turn them off or just aren't any fun for them...male or female...in a way serious enough to not be able to "fake" it...and why would someone want to be with someone who was faking it? Why would I want to do anything that felt like a chore? Nothing I do, or have ever done voluntarily sexually was something I didn't enjoy...and I wouldn't do something that was totally unpleasant for me, for any reason, least of all , fear of being dumped...and it wouldn't be about whether I loved him or not..it would be about sex being positive and fun...
While I am ready to concede that men may judge me based on the frequency, talent, and variety...I would still hope that a man who professed to love me, would understand that I have limits, and I usually try most before I determine that...and they aren't about ruining his fun at all...besides, there are so many things to do...I can't believe my sexual life would depend on one thing...I always thought being open and enthusiastic worked real well...and his respect and understanding that I don't, no matter how much I love him, want to do anything that is extremely painful or horrifying....for whatever reason ( never to hurt him in any way)..and so far, that has worked just fine... | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/8/2008 7:09:43 PM | | I'll leave it up to you as to how you get to the conversation with prospective mates - but I'll about guarantee you if you start out a relationship with oral involved and then snare the dude and then spring it on him that you only did it to catch him (whether you use those words or not) - you're headed for disaster... | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/9/2008 7:01:29 PM | | I'm very sorry to hear what happened to you, but no, I could never give up blowjobs for an otherwise "good relationship." Sounds trivial, but guess what, I could not give up having a nice, normal woman in a relationship either. In other words, a woman who gives head every day, but is a complete ****, is just as useless. It has to be the whole package. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/9/2008 8:51:35 PM | | I find it hard (NPI) to not want to reciprocate if initiate foreplay altogether. I understand the abuse thing, my last relationship suffered because of early childhood abuse. If I wasn't receiving fellatio twice a month, I'd term the relationship. I'd have to examine of perhaps I was not being romantic or giving her reason to hold out in that respect. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/10/2008 6:47:53 PM | | AS long as she and I cum, I don't care how it's done, so long as other species, pee, poo, dead bodies, and children is not involved. Oh, and fuzzy bunny slippers. I have a phobia of them. | |
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