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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 6:52:16 AM |
This reminds me of an Ann Lander’s (if I recall correctly) column I read, years ago. She asked if one would use their partner’s toothbrush. If they found it disgusting they were not a match.
Sums it up perfectly.
Its not about the lack of blowjob in itself. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 7:54:57 AM | If you are uncomfortable performing the act of oral pleasure I would suggest explaining to your beau the reason why so that he doesnt think it has something to do with him.
A relationship shouldnt be based on that anyway and it is not the only form of enjoying each others physical presence.
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 8:11:51 AM | "You have so many posts on this thread, you act like you speak for all men. You don't."
But at least he speaks for one man, himself.
"that (BJ) is just one VERY SMALL part of a good sexual relationship."
However as a woman you can speak for "all men"?
That's why I have trouble dealing with some womin. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 8:20:36 AM |
(Msg 449) I think men understand and are more caring than what you are.
I think that I have been with enough men in my life to know that not every man "requires" it. There are real men out there that can have fun in many ways, that is just one VERY SMALL part of a good sexual relationship.
I think some folks are missing the point. There is a difference between not caring for a particular sexual activity compared to having an aversion towards it. There is a difference between a man expecting a frequent occurrence and one looking forward to the occasional happening.
The bottom line is the OP knows there is a cause of her aversion to it. The sensible thing to do would be to get professional help, perhaps by talking with a therapist.
(Msg 458) "that (BJ) is just one VERY SMALL part of a good sexual relationship."
However as a woman you can speak for "all men"?
Touché ! | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 11:43:28 AM | ..Wow Joe...I think you were cracking on her opinion and said it was what was expected from a blonde?.....Well I am a natural blonde & had a comment on the same page, did you think what I said was a steriotype blonde thing to say too?
I do not even know you, and I am embarressed for you....low blow....try expressing yourself with out steriotyping, it will behove you....
We are having a discussion trying to help a real live person, think out, hear other opinions, and educate ourselves along the way...by having a monologue....we are going to disagree. But intelligent thinking openminded blondes are a reality just like any other color hair, skin, gender, etc. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 12:19:30 PM | If a Vietnam war vet hears a loud bang, they duck. If someone that was physically abused as a child sees someone swinging at them, they repel. Why would anyone think that these people will ever fully get over their trauma? You can get over some events to lead a fairly normal life, but people can not totally delete all triggers. I don't know why people think this woman hasn't had therapy. Seems she had therapy/counseling or she wouldn't even be able to have sex at all.
Everyone has problems with different things and not everyone is a match. Everyone isn't the same and statistics always show the variations in the way people think and react to different situations. Everyone has different priorities. I know that I look for someone healthy in mind and body. I don't ask for someone that can do any particular sexual act and haven't met anyone that has asked for certain sexual acts in order to date them. I have met one that isn't capable of "vanilla" sex let alone any other positions. I didn't kick him to the curb because of it. Yes, sexual compatibility is important, but in the end, showing someone how much I care about them can be in a variety of ways. I am sure the OP certainly will show the right person she cares. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 12:26:18 PM |
If a Vietnam war vet hears a loud bang, they duck. If someone that was physically abused as a child sees someone swinging at them, they repel. Why would anyone think that these people will ever fully get over their trauma? You can get over some events to lead a fairly normal life, but people can not totally delete all triggers. I don't know why people think this woman hasn't had therapy. Seems she had therapy/counseling or she wouldn't even be able to have sex at all.
In this thread, there are a few guys, who have said that receiving oral sex is so critically important to them, that they can't have a relationship without them. The truth is, there are a lot of people that each of us isn't meant to be with, and no one had to be "wrong". I wouldn't be with a woman, who I didn't find physically attractive, as an example.
Then there are men, me among them, who view what it means. If I were to meet a woman, and in all other ways, we were well matched, but she had an "issue" with oral sex, physical or emotionaly, I could live without them. However, if it were merely that a woman "doesn't feel like it", and dismisses my needs, I wouldn't be in a relationship with her.
Sort of like, if I were supposed to meet a woman somewhere, to go to dinner, and she didn't show up, because she was in an accident, and was in the hospital, that's one thing. If she didn't show up, because she decided to do something else instead, that's an entirely different discussion.
So, yeah, if a woman suffers from some level of PTSD from childhood trauma, of course, I'd understand. If she's one of those women, though, who thinks she's "giving" a man "enough" if she "lays there and lets him", provided she's "in the mood", then I wouldn't want any part of her. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 4:30:40 PM | I get the distinct feeling that all the men out here who claim only "real men" don't require oral are the same "nice guys" who wonder why:
- they always finish last
- girls only want to be their friends.
- they'll cry to you about the guy whose d**k they DID suck
etc. etc. etc.
It's 2008 and people are just as dumb. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 4:35:42 PM | | I haven't read anything but the subject. My response is I can care less if I get the BJ as long as I get to go down on her anytime I want, and that is a lot of the time. Of course inside is nice as well. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:24:16 PM | Jen Bean, I hope you are still here (and that you've skipped some of the posts). I want you to know how very I/we are of you for coming as far as you have, and for posting this issue in such a public forum. I also want you to know that I/we have walked the same path and, like you, become conquerors.
I was sexually molested in every way possible for most of my childhood. To top it off, I was also gang raped, then raped again in my early adulthood. I had more issues that Carter has liver pills, as they used to say. I went through lots of counseling with no real results. Years later, I finally found one who would work with me the way I needed, as opposed to the way he had been taught. I forgave my abuser when I realized he wasn't the person he should have been for me, but a very sick individual. I freed myself the day I saw him cry, and knew he fully understood what he had done to me, and that he had no more power over me because I was old enough and strong enough to put him in prison if he ever touched me again. I went through every stage you've ever read about, and couldn't seem to go forward at all at that time. BJs were my biggest hangup, probably because you tend to have a great fear of situations where you just know you are going to die.
Then I met someone who changed everything. I'll never know how he knew what I had been through, but he did. The first time I laid eyes on him, he said three things that changed my world. He told me what had happened wasn't in any way my fault. He told me we would NEVER do anything that I wasn't ready and willing to do. Then he told me there would come a day when he would be able to look at me across a room, and I would be able to feel him touching me. (Yes, it did happen.) Molestation and rape are all about power, and nobody had ever given me a choice before. I had also never heard that there should be pleasure and desire between two people. He was gentle, slow, and gave the best massages I have ever had.
We got so close, in so many ways, that I had absolute faith in him. There came a day when I suddenly knew I just absolutely had to know every square inch of his body. I also knew that if he touched me, I would bolt and run. It had to be all in my control, and still does, because it had to be something I was giving, and not something he was taking. I gave him the rules, and he agreed. That day I learned that a long, slow full body massage and a BJ could actually make somebody weak. LOL
You should NEVER be with someone who doesn't understand and respect where you are in your life. And you may never be able to do this. I know someone who was in WWII who still can't watch any kind of war movie because when the big guns start, he is under the theater seat. And I still don't really "like" this. I have to be in a certain place "in my head" for it. But when I am there, it's a wonderful and empowering feeling, as long as I get to do it my way.
The short version: you have come a very long way, and you are much stronger. This may never be something you can do. But there may be a time in the future when you can take back the power in every possible way. Either way, you need to be with someone who understands and puts the control in your hands. We are not survivors, we are conquerors!!
I apologize for being long-winded........... and for any spelling or grammer (spellcheck hates this word, no matter how I spell it) errors. LOL Beth | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:43:23 PM | | Wow what a fabulous story and such a great man to help you move on with everything in your life. Thank you so much for sharing that. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/14/2008 1:27:49 AM |
The fact that you don't give oral, explains a lot about your pov.
Hum, Yea, Why give oral when you don't have to? I have never met a woman yet that i had to muff dive to get her off. I have met women that "some men" couldn't get them off any other way. I don't know, Maybe they lack skills or something. Maybe they don't know how to use that thang just below there belly button the right way? Or maybe there hands are cold and may as well be stumps? Neither have i met a woman that had to give me a bj to get me off. Whats intimate about a woman giving a man a bj when it a well known fact that most women want to be looking you right in the eyes, Face to face and watch you get off. Personally, I think a lot of guys would rather have a bj because they can't stand the intimacy of a face to face, eye to eye encounter where he is on the same level with her. A lot of what i keep reading here is not even close to intimacy. It's domination, Plain and simple. Some guys just want to keep a woman under there thumb. In this case, On there knees.
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/14/2008 5:10:02 AM | Re post 469
"Why give ANYTHING when you don't have to?"
Good point.
I guess some people do things that they do not "have" or like to in order to get a "commitment" (aka "committed rel") in return (trade deal) | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/15/2008 5:25:46 PM |
(Msg 467) A lot of what i keep reading here is not even close to intimacy. It's domination, Plain and simple. Some guys just want to keep a woman under there thumb. In this case, On there knees.
No, no, no. You're read the manual upside down. 
First, the guy fluffs the pillow so it's comfrotable. Then he lies on his back. The lady lies on the guy, on her stomach, in the head to toe configuration. Both people are comfortable and as for the view it can't be beat.
Talk about intimacy! It's a smorgasbord for the senses; sight, smell, taste and touch.  | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/15/2008 6:28:12 PM |
A lot of what i keep reading here is not even close to intimacy. It's domination, Plain and simple. Some guys just want to keep a woman under there thumb. In this case, On there knees.
Ultimate intimacy exists in the area, where each has surrendered himself/herself to a greater whole. It is there, that "Us" replaces "you" and "me". The significance of oral sex isn't that a man tries to "force" her, coerce her, or "guilt" her. It's the cumulative effect of what it means, if she "never" gives of herself, because her focus on what she "wants", and what he enjoys is less important to her. Obviously, the same is true in reverse. Sometimes, it's the man, who is a selfish lover, because he is caught up in what he "feels like" doing, because all he's thinking about is himself.
It's not about "forcing" a woman to do anything in particular. It's recognizing, after awhile, that a woman is too selfish to be capable of intimacy. | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/15/2008 6:52:20 PM | You people are reading too much into blow jobs and overanalyzing it.
(heh heh I said anal)
It boils down to some love doing it, some don't. Some love getting them, some don't.
It's pleasure, it's power, it's powerfully pleasurable on either side of the d*ck when you enjoy it, whether the sucker or the suckee.
Some of you talk so much pychobabble I want to sit on your faces and silence you.
OR, in keeping with the thread, if I had a d*ck I'd stick it in your mouths . | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/15/2008 8:13:17 PM |
t's recognizing, after awhile, that a woman is too selfish to be capable of intimacy.
Sorry Ren....not liking Bj's , or any other kind of sexual act has nothing to do with being selfish or incapable or intimacy...just a preference , like all preferences...
In all your posts you claim that the woman is being selfish for not doing it...but, doesn't the reverse...you are selfish for not understanding why she doesn't want to follow? Isn't it both parties respecting each others boundaries and needs? Why would one ( in this case, the male) outweigh the other? And who decides whose is more important?
From a male perspective, his is, from a females..hers is...does being male automatically make him the more correct one?
Like I keep saying...don't date women who don't like them if they are important to you...but, stop calling them names when they don't...it's a judgment that says you are right, they are wrong..different is a better word... | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/17/2008 7:16:51 PM | something we learn to live without as we men get older,same with women.a young guy may have a problem with it,but if he loves you,it should not be a problem.i was married to a woman with hangups,possibly due to the same reason,then again,don't know what was fact or fantasy.it was all right with me that she didn't,but she expected me to to the full court.i have to admit,it got boring after a while.then again,as her other problems surfaced,i just wanted out,and not doing it with her was one way to help her move on.guess it just depends on your relationship.not a great answer,but we are all different! | |
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| Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:34:21 PM |
In all your posts you claim that the woman is being selfish for not doing it...but, doesn't the reverse...you are selfish for not understanding why she doesn't want to follow? Isn't it both parties respecting each others boundaries and needs? Why would one ( in this case, the male) outweigh the other? And who decides whose is more important
Zangie, first, let's take out of this those women who have a real "issue", emotional or physical, which was the OP's situation. In that case, it's a type of "disability", in a way, that a man either accepts or not.
In terms of it being one of those situations, where a woman simply "won't" for no reason other than "preference", then it shouldn't be a "conflict". Early in a relationship, a partner and I will share some of the things we like. Those aren't "demands". I will keep her wants and needs in mind, regardless of whether I "like" them or not, and will "voluntarily" do those thing she's told me she likes, without needing to be asked. A woman, who values her partner will, without prompting, respond to the man's "needs". A woman, who is only about herself, won't.
It's one part of an overall assessment of the relationship. Generally, selfish people, are selfish in more than one area, and it gets "old" having one in your life. | |
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TrinB
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Joined: 4/27/2008
Msg: 474 | |
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