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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 5:02:21 AM | The reason why relationships fail, is a loss of attraction. This loss can happen due to many different reasons. Sometimes, she's just really not THAT into you from the very beginning, but playing you, until someone better comes along Then, if no one better comes along, she will SETTLE for you, even though in her mind, she thinks she can do better. This sets up a terrible attitude and eventually erodes the relationship over time.
Other factors include a time element. Sometimes you meet people for a season or a reason. Nowadays, in the age of information, people have many, many options. The world is wide open (world wide web), unlike it has ever been in history. We may be living in historical times that will re-define who we are. What a great time to be born!
Sometimes people have baggage. You really have to get to know each other, in order to learn about all the psychological garbage that flows within an individuals mind, and thinking. Some sabotage the relationship. They DO UNTO OTHERS, before you do unto them. A good book for you would be Lethal Lovers and Poisonous People.... by Braiken. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 5:11:47 AM | I think it has a lot to do with people not wanting to be alone. They ignore red flags, have multiple personality issues, chose partners they are not well suited for and accept less than they deserve. People in good healthy relationships are relationships that hold friendship above all else. They are people that know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like.
When you come from a broken home with lots of drama (not the same as a loving single parent home) suffer from low self esteem or are used to abuse then you can not expect to have a clue how to foster a good relationship. Nor can you expect to attract a good and loving partner.
My only advice is actually get to know the person you are dating. Keep your eyes wide open and become friends first. Far too many delusional people embrace soul mate status within a few weeks. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 5:12:48 AM | | Yep, everybody is right on point with their answers. Rushing into relationships without knowing each other, not having trust, communication and the lack there of, cheating/greed, financial issues, expecting perfection and not getting it, annoying or disrespectful step kids and in-laws are reasons I think relationships fail. That's why many people say relationships suck, but people want to in them. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 5:17:41 AM | You can’t “communicate” with someone that has their own agenda.
You can’t “communicate” with someone that has made up their mind that you >>> can’t communicate.
You can’t “communicate” with someone that don’t want to communicate.
You can’t “communicate” with someone that is tired of looking at the same naked person.
You can’t “communicate” with someone has bought into the “taught” buzz words/phrases/line of thoughts >>>
- be all you can be
- is this all there is
- we have grown apart
We are in a pressure cooker kids ......... there is a hell of a lot more outside influences grinding away at couples - than people realize.
Much of the time the husband/wife gets the brunt of the blame - whether justified or not. Someone has to be the reason for all that pressure ....... it must be >>> HIM / HER | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 1:08:11 PM | What about COMMITTMENT - "until death do us part." If both people have committed in their heart, mind, and actions to make the relationship a success, there really should be no reason for relational failure. Once the committment has been made, honesty, respect, loyalty, and trust all accompany and follow suit. Committment to communication, committment to exclusivity, and committment to each other FOREVER. Death should be the only reason for separation.
So, maybe the real underlying reason for relational failure is lack of committment on one or the other or both parties. Am I way off base here? | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 1:51:35 PM |
If both people have committed in their heart, mind, and actions to make the relationship a success, there really should be no reason for relational failure.
If you consider staying in a loveless relationship full of discontent successful, then no there isn't any reason for it.
Once the commitment has been made, honesty, respect, loyalty, and trust all accompany and follow suit. Commitment to communication, commitment to exclusivity, and commitment to each other FOREVER.
Just because people try to get along doesn't mean they can. Just because people try to communicate doesn't mean they can do it well with each other. Different people communicate in different ways and if you're incompatable you're going to feel like you're hitting a brick wall. if on person did something dishonest (liked about paying the mortgage, had an affair, etc) then there will also continue to be a lack of trust and respect. You have no control over what the other person does.
Death should be the only reason for separation
And some people do contemplate taking it to that extreme to get out of their relationships.  | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 1:51:58 PM |
What about COMMITTMENT - "until death do us part." If both people have committed in their heart, mind, and actions to make the relationship a success, there really should be no reason for relational failure.
While I would enter into marriage with that intention and I would make every effort to keep the marriage together, I wouldn't vow "til death do us part" because I'm not absolutely certain that's a promise I can keep.
I'm a very different person than I was 10 years ago and even more different than the person I was 10 years before that. There are no guarantees that my husband and I would grow in the same direction and be on the same page 20-30 years from now.
I agree with those who said that just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it was a failure. The commitment I expect to have is to try and make each other happy. But sometimes no amount of effort can accomplish that. If we decide to part ways but can do so on good terms and can look back at the relationship with fondness, then I would consider that a successful relationship. I'll take quality over quantity any day. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 1:54:42 PM | Relationships do not fail people fail at being in relationship. There is a difference. You may have the best of intentions but unless both parties work at being in relationship it will have a potential for failure.
Here are a number of reasons people fail at relationships.
1. " Some people would rather be right than happy" This is a my way or the highway attitude with no ability or wish to compromise.
2. Poor communication:
Good communication is about listening , being curious about the other persons point of view and saying things in a way that does not set off defensiveness in your spouse. Good communication is a learned skill and takes a lot of work and a great deal of vigilance.
3. Commitment to the relationship on a day by day basis.
4. Getting couples counselling if you need it to look at your dysfunctional patterns with each other. This may include work around your family of origin.
5. Ensuring your partner is happy being with you. This is different than making your partner happy. Only your partner can make themselves happy. But you can behave in a ways that your partner is happy being with you. This includes respect, consideration, compassion, humor, thoughtfulness, time, attention and love and listening more than you speak to name a few.
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 2:25:16 PM | I agree with you completely.
Especially the part about people just being desperate to have someone in their lives so they cling onto the hope. But it's tough out there these days, I admit even I've done it. Where I've tried to be accepting of someone's flaws which in the end, ends up driving me nuts and we start arguing about it, it's inevitable. Everyone has bad points, but it's when the good points overtake the bad points that the relationship works. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 2:29:01 PM | | I have a problem with the word "fail." What is the failure in going separate ways when the relationship no longer serves each other's growth? To me, the failure would be hanging on even when it's miserable. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 2:31:28 PM | Why ask why?
Loving is never having a need to know the answers - you just do.
Relationships fail because both parties do not share or are unable to share their lives with each other.
For whatever reason.
Communication issues or differences contribute.
But the real reason?
Is really not only ONE thing is it?
It's sort of like asking us to define for you why chemistry magic sometimes happens with two people?
Or why there's that sizzle of sexual awareness with someone you have never met but can't wait to taste - everywhere.
Or why two people immediately dislike each other.
It just "is"
Not all things are we meant to understand or even attempt to.
That's why we are not Gods/Goddesses or perfect
or hell, even getting laid on Friday night.
Duh.
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 4:17:37 PM | | Not enough of common grounds and the same visions, same dreams same energy levels and first and foremost same back grounds {values} and this shall lead to the 50 year marriages? | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 5:19:48 PM |
Why does the intention of success result in the reality of failure? What are some specific causes of relationship failure?
I think those common specific causes could be:
1. Immaturity. he/she doesn't know what he/she wants --- when we were young, we really didn't know what we really wanted... It has to wait for quite some years to figure out what kind of people you prefer. Sometimes I feel I just have started to grow up since 30! Sigh.... was too young to know myself and life lol.
2. Misunderstandings or wrong way of communication --- Men and women are different types of two extremes. They are attracted by each other with tons of compatibilities and incompatibilities. The hormone can help for a while but not for a whole life.
3. Different life styles, values and background cultures. --- Sometimes it won't be a big matter when the relationship just starts for months or several years. But it is the sources of conflicts. Some couples can handle this but not everyone. It depends on your bottom lines and principles. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 5:21:50 PM |
I think it has a lot to do with people not wanting to be alone. They ignore red flags, have multiple personality issues, chose partners they are not well suited for and accept less than they deserve. People in good healthy relationships are relationships that hold friendship above all else. They are people that know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like.
Ya Agree with you. When I was young I did ignore a lot red flags and thought that was not a big problem lol.... | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 5:30:55 PM | | One or both partners come to feel their needs are not getting met. There is a variety of reasons why we all have relationships but the bottom line is we are filling some form of need, if those needs aren't met most people seek a solution, often that solution ends the relationship. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 6:04:31 PM |
Why does the intention of success result in the reality of failure?
I believe the downfall of a relationship is when ones' faith in the other is shaken to the point it can't recover. This can be many things, I can only talk about what I did and my experience. I forgot the word integrity, I lied, and cheated on someone very special, because of that and all it's ramications when gossip and garbage came around again and I was accused of doing it again the relationship couldn't survive.
So to me when the break down of the faith in the relationship happens alot of times it can't recover and then it is time to sadly say goodbye go your seperate ways. Taking from it the positive and learn from the mistakes. Hopefully not make them again.
The other key things I have seen that break down relationships is communication, taking the other for granted, forgetting that this is the person that you are supposed to respect and care about.
Well here are just a few for me off the top of my head. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 6:07:12 PM |
(Msg 26) The reason why relationships fail, is a loss of attraction. This loss can happen due to many different reasons. Sometimes, she's just really not THAT into you from the very beginning, but playing you, until someone better comes along Then, if no one better comes along, she will SETTLE for you, even though in her mind, she thinks she can do better. This sets up a terrible attitude and eventually erodes the relationship over time.
"not THAT into you from the very beginning"
IMO, that's the most likely reason, men and women alike. That's why chemistry, that "I want you!" feeling, is so important. If a relationship starts by going slow, checking things off a list, it's doubtful the relationship will last because as Alooooohaha writes in msg 32,
I'm a very different person than I was 10 years ago and even more different than the person I was 10 years before that. There are no guarantees that my husband and I would grow in the same direction and be on the same page 20-30 years from now.
I think we all have to ask ourselves what’s absolutely necessary as opposed to finding the person who fulfills all our immediate but transitory wants. A few posters have questioned the wisdom of staying in a relationship when it isn’t working and while constantly changing partners is not, in itself, a failure it is when one expects and has received promises it would be permanent.
It comes back to “the list”. What does a romantic partner have to possess or offer other than romance? It goes without saying we expect trust and intelligence and similar qualities in any relationship. Whether it’s our dentist informing us we need a nine hundred dollar root canal and crown or our mechanic saying we require major repairs to our car we have to have trust in them. We have to believe they are intelligent and they know what they’re talking about. But what else do we expect from our dentist or auto mechanic? That they play golf? That they vote a specific way?
Men and women, when in romantic relationships, seldom did the same things or even thought the same way about things. Why, today, is that so important? Why are things that have nothing to do with romance given priority over those which do such as affection and passion and sex?
When romantic relationships are based on things that have nothing to do with romance what frequently happens is we hear, “I grew and my partner didn’t.” I’ve often found the expression “I grew” is just a nice way for someone to say, “I changed”. For example, as one gets older they may say they’ve grown and changed their political views. Have they grown or have they simply changed views? When the word “grow” is used it automatically implies a good thing so, in essence, they’re saying their changes are good and their partner’s lack of change is not so good.
It’s my belief that if people looked for romantic qualities, if they looked for someone who made them feel that “I want you!” feeling, there would be fewer failed relationships because the things attributed to failed relationships would not be a concern. Changing views and activities, for example, would not be a reason to claim failure because those reasons would not have been the base of the relationship to begin with. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 6:18:31 PM | | Relationships - pah - a misnoma if ever i heard one - lets break it down - relation and ships - bear no relation to each other - men are like ships - looking to berth in any port that will welcome them - hoist sail and plunge anchor so too speak!!!! Relation - hmmm - not good to explore - famial incest tends to be frowned on unless you live in switzerland | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 6:20:45 PM | regarding :"Everyone enters a relationship with the goal of making it succeed"
I think it's possibly the otherway around. I think some may enter into relationships 'assuming it will work' whereas we never take a job just 'assuming it will work' or without pulling out 'all the stops to be polite, loyal, deligent, respectful" etc...then people go on dates jaded, full of resentment, feeling they don't owe the other person any respect at all and it has to be earned, and then we wonder why we can hold a job for 20 years but not have a successful relationship...
I say "Taking the situation for granted and only looking out for number one, or flipping it around and being a complete whimpy suck up" is the number one reasons relationships fail! | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 6:47:12 PM | People seem to have a really great idea of what love is, and I doubt they have a clue.
True love comes from both sacrifice and determination. Some people cant stand giving as much as they receive, plain and simple. Whether its because of communication or because of a lack of effort... In the end, relationships fail because people sometimes just arent right for each other.
Life moves on though, so what can ya do? | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 7:50:14 PM | | Some good answers here. When trust is destroyed and you can no longer believe in the other the relationship loses worth. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 8:22:35 PM |
Everyone enters a relationship with the goal of making it succeed. People want to be happy, loved, and cared for. However, somewhere along the way, a lot of relationships fail. Why does the intention of success result in the reality of failure? What are some specific causes of relationship failure?
OP - I don't think anyone really should go into a relationship with a "goal" of making it succeed. Once you make it a "goal", this is where people tend to compromise themselves "for the sake of..." the "goal". Compromise, as a principle is expected in a form, but not at the expense of one or both parties. Quickest example is, saying that you make it a "goal" for the relationship to succeed, so you sit there nightly gettin' your ass handed to you by your SO (be it mentally/physically/etc) and you take it, hopin' it'll change or "get better" because hey, you had a "goal" to make this work and if it means puttin' up with shit like that, then this is what it'll take. WRONG. This is where people compromise themselves "for the sake of..." the "goal" they set.
And that was just one example.
Relationships don't really succeed or fail either, it's the people involved that succeed or fail themselves and/or each other. The reasons for this are too numerous to list, and even amid the plethora that have already been listed, it merely scratches the surface. It's literally just the tip of the iceberg. Relationships, and those involved in them, are one example of how one subject or situation could have quite possibly the MOST possible iterations and variables EVER. You'd probably get grey hairs starting to compose a list of the why's and how's, and just when you think you're nearing the end of the list, you've only just begun. The how's and why's of what makes one work or not is clearly exponential, and dare I say, infinite.
Even having said that, ALL problems have a root or a common denominator in the end. A catalyst or source that can be involved in each and every scenario for success or failure. Break down each and every possibility, and you'll find a common theme.
To me, that common theme will always be expectation. That, to me, is the single root and common denominator to all the scenarios you could possibly come up with or manufacture. We, as people, go in to this relationship with an expectation. Or sometimes, several of them. Through the life of the relationship, these expectations will inevitably change in degree of importance...some will be removed for redundancy...some will be added because it's the latest in relationship "buzzwords". Invariably, they will mutate through the life of the relationship. Once the expectations become unreasonable (as most tend to do), unattainable, or no longer feasible, the relationship between you and them will cease.
Think about it...we all have expectations:
- expect respect
- expect "trust" (Christ I HATE that word...)
- expect affection
- expect compromise
- expect communication
- expect compassion
- expect fidelity
- expect security
- expect to "not be alone" (some people just can't be cool with "self")
- expect to be "wanted" or "needed"
And the list will drag on. People will pick the ones that apply to them, and go parading around their own life trying to find the ones that match their list of expectations. Once that happens, they get involved. Once those expectations mutate or evolve, they will add or diminish the foundation you worked for together, based on the premise of "are these still feasible/attainable/realistic?". If not, the relationship will crumble because the expectations became the focal point of failure for yourself, or both parties. People cling on to those expectations diligently, and if they feel they are not being handled properly in return, someone is gonna bail, as is always the case.
As long as people continue to hold on to unrealistic or unattainable expectations of their relationship, thus their SO, relationships (or rather the people involved) will continue to fail. Just because the Joneses have something going for them, why does it have to be your expectation too? Just because something works well for someone else, why do you expect or demand it work for you as well? Why do people always want what everyone else has? People, generally, just will never be satisfied with what works...they want what everyone else has, set the expectations, and ultimately ruin themselves for it. I've seen perfectly happy couples implode under their own stupidity because they had it all, and they had realistic expectations, but one decided to go after what they didn't have, and this led to disaster. No longer happy...no longer a couple.
People set themselves up for failure because they simply will never be happy enough. If they're in a good and stable relationship already, they'll one day choose to get something MORE out of it all, and ruin it all to shit. By then, it's too late to backpedal. If you're in a stable relationship, why ruin it with extras just because you don't have them?
People are funny, and will likely never change. They're so wrapped up in their own hype that they'll likely never be able to see straight. I'm one of the people, so it affects me too. The only way I see to get around that, or through that, is to make the conscious choice to accept people for the good and bad, set realistic, attainable, and feasible expectations, and leave "perfection" in the Dictionary where it belongs.
Yep.
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/3/2008 8:52:18 PM | Msg # 48
Many yeare ago a study was done on relationships that were long term. It was called to death do us part. I do not remember the name of the author. Their definition of long term was 15 to 50 years. So you had to be in a relationship for over 15 years in order to qualify for the study.
The resuts were:
1. Commitment to the institution of marriage.
2. Commitment to the person you have chosen.
3. At least one of the partners had vitality in the relationship. That means one of the partner believes the relationship is worth the effort. | |
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