| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/6/2008 3:42:30 PM | Ok this falls in line with something I heard a few days ago. It was an interview that someone did with Paul Newman asking him what he attributed his successful marriage to and his reply was this: Equal parts respect and lust.
I thought that was pretty good..
So I believe for a successful relationship that you have to have both respect and sexual attraction. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:49:57 PM | A better question is why shouldn't a relationship fail? Men and women are so different from each other. We act different, feel different, think different, want different things in life usually. Then on top of that men and women mature differently. A man's sex drive declines (usually) and a woman's sex drive increases over time. Our bodies change shape and our opinions become "facts."
The real question is what makes a relationship succeed. If I knew that answer I wouldn't be here. | |
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IGFN21
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Joined: 10/2/2008
Msg: 79 | |
| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/7/2008 12:18:10 AM | 1 - Comunication
2 - Money problums
3 - Not making compermises when it can be done
4 - Not Trusting eachother
5 - Cheating
6 - Flirting with other people
7 - Somes times not sharing the jobs around the house
8 - Not cleaning up simple messes
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/7/2008 6:13:54 AM | If there is no marriage or intent to marry then the "relationship" is by nature a temporary one and unless there is a lifelong commitment to the other in words and from the heart, then it will probably fail. Shacking up usually has the idea behind it, I will get out if I find someone better or I will get out when I don't like the situation any more.
If you want a relationship that will not fail then man and woman must commit to each other for life and mean it, through thick and thin.
This is too much commitment for most people. If a marriage is going to work and bring happiness to both then there has to be genuine sacrificial love, the kind that says I will work and sacrifice to make this person happy, even if it means sacrificing some of my own happiness. Most people can't do. Most people are selfish and self centered and care about themselves first. Most people are looking for someone else to sacrifice to make them happy.
Just my humble opinion. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/7/2008 6:29:02 AM | The only relationships (of any sort) in my life that have continued have done so because of forgiveness. I have never been in a relationship of any sort, when I have not needed it. When the forgivenes ends, so does everything else.
I would like someday for someone to say I was too forgiving, or too patient, or too kind... | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/7/2008 6:44:40 AM | I think most relationships fail because the initial expectations that brought them together are no longer met, and in the new direction each one is taking things for granted and expects things to happen without putting any work.
Now I am not talking here about the people that are not compatible, but the ones that have realized that they are, or may be. So then you, both have to work in middle grounds that do not compromise the essence of what each is. If I want my SO to be in a particular way that she is not right now, when that person becomes that, there are going to be huge changes, to the way they act, but the way they relate to you. So you need to keep the relationship flowing. Actually, as I say this, I say it also to myself, because I realize the work that it takes to keep the relationship growing.
For example, my SO is what I would consider a very attractive woman. Unfortunately because of a mentally abusive relationship and a second physically abusive one, she has a lot of insecurities that she brought into her relationships as well as how she deals with work. She did not know how to establish boundaries for work or personal life. Since we've been together, a lot of those things have changed. She has grown as a person. Has learned to say "no". Has learned to state her ground on her intellectual capabilities as opposed to just be a pretty face. She has changed tremendously. The problem is that as the changes has happened, it has created challenges and new expectations, thus it has not been easy. We even split a couple of times along the way. But I have to admit as well, that this woman has given me a tremendous gift of compassion and love that was dead inside of me. I was, simply put, incapable of feeling. My relationships lasted no more than four months because at that point I would begin to sabotage them. Anyway, compatibility is the result of cause and effect, what you give, what the other person gives, and then how it filled your tank, your essence of being. If your tank is in empty you need to do something. That something is sometimes as simple as saying, Hey, stop, let's regroup and remember what brought us together and where we want to take this thing. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:14:44 AM | | love is a choice..even when ya hate that..ya know..you chose to love..many times ya dont want to but ya do..very few can chose to love no matter what the situation and consequence. When love is not a fuzzy feeling they say its gone and they are gone..thats it right there. The world we live in man. things come and go to easy. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:44:35 AM | Wow, what a great reply ck418. I agree 100%.
I just recently got out of a relationship with the girl of my dreams because she cheated on me and made me realize that she has character issues because it seemed like we were perfect for eachother.
I'm still not over her, but I have to move on.
I've even thought about trying to get her back, but I just think that would be futile.
It didn't work out because I think we both took eachother for granted at times and thought we would always be there together. We started spending less time together because of our jobs and stopped recognizing the things that were most important to eachother. We got into a routine and the excitement started to fade.
I think relationships end because one or the other or both stop nurturing it. If a plant is going to live and grow, you have to water it everyday and give it sunlight. The same goes with relationships.
I learned a big lesson from her and hope to make the next one last. There are no excuses ever for cheating, but I had to look at what I may have done to have gotten her into the mindset that she would ever do that. Possibly she is just a cheater, because I would never do that to someone I love. It just hurts too much and I still fell the pain.
johnjulian71 | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/7/2008 10:28:21 PM | I believe the reason that a lot of relationships fail is because people rush into them way to fast and don't really take the time to get to know the other person that well. I'm guilty of that myself I was talked into my last marriage in less than 3 months and looking back I think that if I would have taken a lot longer to get to know him I don't believe we would have married. I stayed 20 years until I could not take it any longer with him.
Right after the first reason being to fast the next reason I belive is communication. It takes two people to communicate and if that shuts down then it is over.
Also if the other person starts taking you for granted or tries to change who you are. I also believe that you have to keep the romance alive and too many people stop that after they are together for awhile.
I believe that you should always treat the other person as you want to be treated. I believe that I have made bad choices in the past and this last time around I'm going to take my time and be very picky!!
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/8/2008 11:32:38 AM | Msg 48,
There was a book written many years ago. It was called Till Death Do Us Part. It was a study of long term relationships from 15 to 50 years. this was a study of why relationships succeed.
The tenant in the book was there were three things couples need to have in their relationship in order for it to work over the long term these were:
1. Commitment to the relationship (the institution of marriage )
2. Commitment to each other.
3. At least one of the partners needed to be working on the vitality of the relationship. So I would say that commitment is the first order and vitality is the second.
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/8/2008 11:50:16 AM | It doesn't make pain easier whether the reason for break up was lack of trust, honesty or respect etc but when an incurable illness tears people apart (instead of getting them more  together) and memory lapses infringe in this misery, I think that's the worst scenario of a failed relationship. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/8/2008 4:59:57 PM | I have to agree with the communication aspect. Communication is key. Insight is helpful. Giving is a must.
There are basic needs of people and each person differs. Sometimes we choose to assume what other's needs are. Goes back to communication. Sometimes we don't know what those needs are, are unwilling to meet those needs or just don't know how. Often we try to change the other person to suit our own needs. Basic needs most likely are not going to change.
We need to learn how to communicate our needs and try to fulfill other's needs. Most people don't fully know those needs until after they have made a commitment. When needs don't get met anger/mistrust/hurt are inevitable. That merely complicates the needs factor.
It's going to be even more difficult to get needs met if we don't let those "walls" down. Be fair to yourself...let those walls down before getting committed so that the other person will have a chance to meet your needs. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/8/2008 5:22:58 PM | Whilst i am big on communication - all aspects of it - I believe the bottom line for why relationships fail is insecurities - either on one side or the other. That basic insecurity can overide one's perception of anything tht goes on and colors it.
I do agree that loving is a choice - and loving is a doing word - it is not just a feeling. The minute one just expects the feeling without the doing - uhoh!!
I also believe that in every relationship - one person loves more than the other - call me crazy - just my personal insight.
Zee | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/8/2008 6:47:56 PM |
(Msg 89) I also believe that in every relationship - one person loves more than the other - call me crazy - just my personal insight.
I believe that's quite often the case.
I do agree that loving is a choice - and loving is a doing word - it is not just a feeling. The minute one just expects the feeling without the doing - uhoh!!
This I disagree with. When we first meet someone we get a first impression. It seldom has anything to do with "doing". It's a feeling.
For example, we could meet someone at a social gathering and have a relatively benign conversation, yet, we're drawn to that person. I feel people discount that feeling and seek other reasons for developing a relationship. Rather than wanting to be with that individual and see where life takes them they are concerned with how the individual will fit into their present life.
In other words they want to maintain their present life plus add a partner when the natural thing is, IMO, for ones life to completely change.
When two people love each other more than they love their own lifestyle relationships sail along quite easily which is another reason one should be cautious of anyone carrying a lengthy "must have" list.
A funny thing about romantic relationships; either they come first or they come last. Successful ones seldom, if ever, take a middle place. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/9/2008 2:23:30 AM | | I think its because once the relationship gets serious you stop having your OWN life. And everything becomes "We" instead of "I" and you can't miss someone who never goes away. Another reason is people bring their past relationships into their new one. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/9/2008 4:30:01 AM |
Everyone enters a relationship with the goal of making it succeed. People want to be happy, loved, and cared for. However, somewhere along the way, a lot of relationships fail. Why does the intention of success result in the reality of failure? What are some specific causes of relationship failure?
I wouldn't say the first goal in a new relationship is success. Most people don't enter relationships knowing whether or not they want to be in it for the long haul. I'm sure a lot of them fail in the early stages because of that. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:00:15 AM | Another key to keeping a relationship alive is intimacy -- both physical and emotional. It is human nature to want to be needed and loved and valued.
Also something that has not been mentioned is the simple fact that people change over the years. I know that I'm a much different person now than I was when I was in my 20s. This is why communication is so important.
Let's face it, relationships take work and if either or both halves of the couple stop trying or become complacent then it won't be too long until things deteriorate and you wake up one day wondering how did we get here. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:05:19 AM | | The bottom line answer is lack of comittment. But there are mitigating elements as well. If both parties are not working 100% someone gets hurt. If both parties aren't faithful, someone gets hurt, if the relationship gets too routine, someone gets bored, etc. But if both people are 100% comitted, almost anything except verbal and physical abuse and un controlled alcohol and drug abuse can be worke out.JMO | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/9/2008 8:11:45 PM | I agree. It does just boil down to communication.
In everything. Everything else is usually just because of lack of communication. | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/14/2008 6:24:07 PM | | If it is a mixed family it is proven that the relationship breaks down because of the mixed childre. For me, the b/f was a lazy good for nothing, J***. Took me for granted used me and now I final relized it. I gave gave and gave, and I never got no thanks in return.. UMMMMM MEN!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/14/2008 10:57:46 PM | today i chalk it up to the illusion of too many options.
most men i have dated dont' want to commit to anything because they are afraid that they might miss someone better.
i have some female friends that are caught in this cycle too.
it's certainly easier to date and meet people, but it is much harder to connect with someone...
lar | |
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| Why Do Relationships FAIL?
Posted: 10/14/2008 11:10:16 PM | In relationships, the fewer "rules" that we apply to our partners, the more successful the relationship is likely to be.This is perceived as trust. Where there are rules, there is not trust. Trust and rules are mutually exclusive. We must learn from our relationships that building trust between one another creates the very freedom and liberty that the human race thrives on.
When it comes to intimate relationships, many people are in them to see what there is to get from the relationship. They come into them thinking "He or She will make me so happy." Once in the relationship, the initial attraction keeps the relationship good for a while. Then one of the partners focuses on fault in the other. The other gets defensive. "Why isn't my mate making me happy?" These people fail to realize that true happiness comes from within and is meant to be expressed as a gift of Love in the relationship. At that point, the person is aligned to receive love back in full if they allow it to flow back unconditionally. The idea that one must have a degree of control over their mate will not work as it defies the premise of freedom that the human spirit will always seek.
The same is true for social and professional relationships. Once a need for control of the relationship is felt by either party, the relationship is in trouble. Even in an employee - management relationship, the best results will be achieved if management gives the employee a goal to meet and empowers the employee with the freedom to use his or her full creative potential.
When entering into any relationship, be it intimate, for friendship, or for mutual benefit in business with another, always turn the tables and put yourself on the spot. Ask yourself "What is in it for my partner / friend / business associate? What do I bring to the table?" If you don't like the way you treat yourself, how will you expect your partner to like what you come into the relationship expecting from them? Your partner can not expect Love / Joy / Respect from a person who doesn't have any of these for him or her self. These feelings are always the most powerful when they come from within. | |
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