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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:28:59 AM | OP, I am the same exact way as you. I actually hate talking on the phone. I don't understand that if you give someone your phone number and they call but don't leave a message. I don't answer my cell phone if I don't recognize the number. Also, I don't jump up and race to my phone if it rings. I guess I'm a meanie.  | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:30:42 AM | When I'm told someone has another call, I'll wait a few seconds and hang up. If they don't find it important enough to tell the other person they're on the phone with me, then I don't want to hang around with dead air on the phone. If they want to talk, they'll call me back. It's rude and I don't do it to anyone.
Also, turn off the phones when on a date and never pick it up if you forgot. The only ok time to do this if kids are involved or someone is waiting on a verdict from a jury and has to run back to court. | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 7:42:47 AM |
I don't understand that if you give someone your phone number and they call but don't leave a message.
Opposite views on this I guess but... Isn't the entire purpose of giving someone your number so that they CAN contact you in the first place? Why would you give someone your phone number and set your phone up so that it doesn't ring if they call? | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 8:08:01 AM | For those who hate the phone that much
Don't give anyone your number
Let them figure out how to get in contact with you
When they get tired of trying to get in touch they will go away
Isn't that the point????
Jim978- they probably have call intercept or distinctive ring -
If they call they can be avoid and go to an answering machine or voice mail | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 8:38:54 AM | With the advent of cell phones, people strangled Emily Post with their land-lubber phone chords, and promptly put their elbows on the table in preparation for long-winded, banal mobile chats. Cell phone rudeness is out of control. People have become wireless boors with no concept of phone etiquette or manners. If I have to overhear one more insipid, “Then he’s like, “No way”; and I’m like, “Way”; and he’s like “Uh-uh” and I’m like, “Ya-huh”…conversation while waiting in line, I’m gonna get really anal (as in all your calls are going to be forwarded to the cell that is now lodged up your…) 
I'm wondering if others who do this expect your missed call to be returned or if that means you'll call again later?
Phone boors can wonder all they want, but it is rude to call someone, not leave a message, and then expect them to call you back. They are putting the onus (impolite) on the party whom they were trying to reach to try to figure out what they wanted. If someone wants you to return their call, then need to leave a message stating so. Period. If you do return their mystery call, then you are showing them that being ill-mannered is acceptable to you.
I never deal with call waiting… At a certain point I have to tell them I won't talk to them on the phone anymore if they keep doing that. Should it really be necessary for me to give them that ultimatum or is it reasonable to expect the courtesy of an uninterrupted conversation?
It is never unreasonable to expect common courtesy and good manners; however with Phone Boors, your actions are going to have to speak louder than your words (primarily because no one can get a word in edgewise with a Phone Boor). If they continue to make you a “lady in waiting” after you have expressed your desire to the contrary, then the next time they leave you waiting in the wings, simply hang up. Every time they return to get that dial tone, it will be singing to them, “The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind. I do not appreciate being left hanging in the breeze. If you’re engaged in a conversation with me, then devote your attention to me.”
As with anything else, you teach people how to treat you. Phone Boors are no exception. | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 8:49:54 AM | I'm not a phone person either so I agree with you OP on many of your points:
1) I've dated two guys who would call but wouldn't leave messages then later they'd say, "I tried to call you..." - This really irks me too! The last person to say this to me got an earful! I understand some people (both men and women) don't like leaving messages but if you're one of those people then you should expect that there may be others who don't feel the same way. My mother is an Uber phone user, checks VM, Caller ID, her cell call logs...ALL DAY LONG so I get it, I understand the obsession! I just don't want to be tethered to my phone like that.
2) I never deal with call waiting. - Again, so very annoying but I have a rule of thumb - if someone calls me more than once, like 2-3 successive calls, then I will cut my current conversation short and call them back. Also with CW, if I check my VM and I see there's no message I won't call back. My philosophy is that if the caller wanted me to return the call they'd have left a message stating that fact.
My pet peeve is all this rampant cell phone usage. I feel like I have to beg people to use my home number these days!
Smooches  | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 9:00:48 AM |
Jim978- they probably have call intercept or distinctive ring -
If they call they can be avoid and go to an answering machine or voice mail
*nods* Yep, I get that. What I don't get is, as you mentioned, why they are giving their number out if they don't want to be called to begin with?
If people are really that phone averse there is a fairly simple solution to this whole thing - Most every cell phone has the ability to setup "Groups" in the contact list. Create a group called "PoF Contacts" (or whatever label you prefer) and assign a distinctive rig tone to that entire group. When you give your number out, ask for the other person's number too. You add them to your contacts list and put them in the PoF group. If/when they call, your phone will ring and you'll know it is someone from PoF that you gave your number to.
The problem of "I didn't get your call because I have my ringer turned off" goes away and they can still screen their calls. | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 9:15:28 AM | Anyone can have any phone "standards" that they want.
Couple of things though.
A) Are you telling guys BEFORE they call you about your "phone standards", esp if it deviates from the norm? If not, you can't expect guys to read your mind.
B) You have to realize not all women treat all men the same but the reverse is always true. If a woman is pretty enough, more men will jump through more hoops to get her. If a woman isn't pretty enough, men will just not give much effort and not bother.
Anyone can have "standards" You just have to realize that whether those standards are practical or not is an issue for dating with your target audience.
If 99 percent of men you'd actually date go, "Wow, she's really beautiful", most will jump through your hoops
If 99 percent of men you'd actually date go, "Eh, she's ok, let's see where this goes, she's 9th on my list of options", most of those men won't.
The select few men with the qualities that most women would desire and date have heavy competition for their attention. The more hoops you demand a man jump through, the more likely that desirable guy will eliminate you from contention for his affections.
I, personally, do not have a problem with your "phone standards" as a dating filter. I do however start to question if this "phone standard" can be seen by men you find desirable as an indicator of future behavior or type of personality. In short, lots of men you desire might actually see it as a red flag. To eliminated over issues like finances, marriage, children, religion, etc is typical and understandable and accepted by our society. To be eliminated over your phone standards is a fast way to simply drive off the men you desire wholesale.
You can only practically ask for as much as you have to offer back yourself. Notice I said "practically" because anyone can ask for anything, but it's not always practical.
This is not just about the telephone, it's about jumping through hoops. If you ask men to do it, remember your base marketability to them will come into question every single time. | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 9:22:12 AM | I too am not a phone person, my current lady is having some difficulty with that. I use the phone to exchange pertinent info.
I very rarely leave a message. If they do not answer, I figure they are too busy to talk or checked the number andare avoiding me. I will only leave a message in the example like:
Leaving a message at work to my ex (separated ) wife regarding our daughter or to have a physician return a call, etc. I do not even like voice mail and I definitely do not text. | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 10:32:07 AM | First you admit to not being a phone person, so someone that takes another call over continuing a conversation with you should not be a big deal (since you've explained that you are not a phone person).
You can't have everything go your way. You don't like to stay on the phone...but you don't want people to end calls with you if they get another call...sounds one-sided to me. You want them to be "reasonable" yet you own a phone and you are not being reasonable. | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:03:34 AM | I've long felt that phone useage is under each individual's ability to control. Just because it rings does not mean I am obligated to answer it or respond to it.
I and my life are NOT controlled by the phone nor the whims of the person on the other end.
Period.
I have family members and friends who think nothing of taking calls in the middle of childbirth, death, church services, while using the restroom, during physical exams, etc.,
I find this objectionable.
I also intensely dislike rude messages. (Where in the HELL are you at now?)
Demanding messages. (You need to call me as soon as you get this message!)
I'm not certain why society insists that we cannot miss phone calls. Or determine when we wish to be involved in them.
But I also keep my phones on silent. I allow them to roll to voicemail or to the answering service and I return them when it's conducive for me to do so.
Most everyone who is a friend of mine or family know this and accept it - they know how to indicate to me that the call is urgent and they'd appreciate my immediate reply - and those who are part of my circle of loved ones DO get my full attention - instantly.
I control my phone it does not control me.
12 step program any one?
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:21:35 AM | OP you are doing the right thing and being considerate enough to tell the guys you date about your phone aversion. Of course you shouldn't have to constantly check missed calls.  The Plague of People who Need Instant Gratification - sheesh.
I love my cell phone, and I love to chat. Having many friends and family who don't live near me it's great to have the ability to make a connection anywhere I am. I also have a long commute, so I often use that time to talk (with a headset of course...safety first!) .
Having said that, I have absolute rules regarding call waiting, ringtones, answering calls while on dates etc. I don't have kids so my phone is on silent during dates, movies, restaurtants and other places where it might disrupt other's lives. I keep it on vibrate at work.
Call waiting - yeah...answering it is OK but leaving me on hold for more than the time it takes to tell the caller "I'll call you back after I'm done with this call" is just rude. Especially if it's my dime. I'll hang up if they don't come back after about a half a minute or so.
Edit: Frau Blucher - I love the term "Phone boors". hehe yeah, I've heard some pretty intersting stuff in line at the grocery store. Oy.
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:28:59 AM | To me, that's the equivalent of driving to my home and parking in front and if I don't come out they say, "Well, I stopped by your place..."
It's more like them parking outside, ringing your doorbell, and then leaving when you didn't answer.
I did explain this to the guys and asked them to leave messages (and they did), but in case this happens again I'm wondering if others who do this expect your missed call to be returned or if that means you'll call again later?
If you never take note of your missed calls how do you know you've received voicemail? Both are usually displayed in the same place on a cell phone. I'm not a big fan of phone's either, so this behavior wouldn't bother me. It does seem kind of quirky, though. | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:37:33 AM | Phone person?.. oh yeah, where is it? It could be in my purse, I haven't heard it ring, maybe I left it in the car. Maybe I should look for it, I might have missed a call, oh well I'll check later.
I can't believe the people that think it is bad not to be always available by phone. Those are probably the same people that bring out road-rage thoughts in me as they yak driving down the road causing traffic problems. | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 12:36:49 PM | | I agree with what you are saying ,I get the calls from private numbers then getting upset that I didn't return the call without him leaving me A message. If I can't answer my phone and you cant leave a message why call I don't have time for that. For call waiting if i'm on another call the caller can go to voicemail leave a message it's not that hard. | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 1:08:08 PM | Hey, after 2 pages of non phone people, I thought I would do something completely novel on POF. I would answer the question as one of those guilty as charged phone people. I am on the phone quite a bit, both for business and pleasure. I use well over 5,000 minutes a month, at least 6-700 calls.
Depending on the situation, I will do different things. In both business and personal calls I will or will not leave a message. Since most of this is personal, let's deal with that. If there is a reason, I leave a message, if I called to talk or see how your day is going I won't. I don't get the confusion? What message would you have, "I just called to talk" or "just wanted to say hi". It is my job to callback if I want, no guilt on your side or mine. If there is a purpose, concert tickets or "hey wanna have dinner tonight" I'll leave a message.
As far as call waiting, I only interrupt for an important business call, which does not happen after 6 pm as a rule. However family emergencies aside, it is useful to see who called, if I choose to return it after I'm done.
Too many uptight people pass judgement on what is good phone use. I do not advocate answering calls, unless a family emergency, when on dates. I will turn the phone on vibrate, excuse myself, look at the number coming in, if not family, I return it to my pocket, let it go to voice mail, apolgize to my date for the interruption and go back to what we were doing. Bob | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 1:09:43 PM | OP, you and I agree on just about all of this...I am the same way. I think I stopped liking the phone when I was like....16. Since then I cringe when it rings.
1) I've dated two guys who would call but wouldn't leave messages then later they'd say, "I tried to call you..." To me, that's the equivalent of driving to my home and parking in front and if I don't come out they say, "Well, I stopped by your place..." As far as I'm concerned, it never happened. Am I expected to always check my missed calls (which I don't regularly do) and then return that call? I did explain this to the guys and asked them to leave messages (and they did), but in case this happens again I'm wondering if others who do this expect your missed call to be returned or if that means you'll call again later?
I take a missed call to be a random call that wasn't life or death, and that they don't expect you to return unless you can and you want to. If they want you to call or it's important, they'd leave a message and say "hey call me back when you get this". Period. Some men may be afraid of voice mail, I don't know - not my problem.
2) I never deal with call waiting. I figure the caller will go to voice mail and I can call them back when I'm done with my current conversation. But I have a few friends who will regularly take other calls while I'm talking to them, sometimes cutting our call short. I completely understand that occasionally an important call may come in and they have to take it but some people seem to take other calls every time we're on the phone together. It's particularly annoying when they called me and therefore selected a time that should have been convenient for them. If they use their phone for business then they should call me after business hours. At a certain point I have to tell them I won't talk to them on the phone anymore if they keep doing that. Should it really be necessary for me to give them that ultimatum or is it reasonable to expect the courtesy of an uninterrupted conversation?
I think it should be uninterrupted or end...if it's not a good time, then call me when it is. That goes for people who call me and then proceed to talk to their kids, friends, family, pets while on the phone with me. I don't mind someone hanging up with me and devoting their full attention to those they are in the room with - it's rude to both parties to try and do both and say "hang on a second" every 3 minutes. Ugh.
Can I add something? Being out with friends who constantly call/text while you're where you are (clubs, dinner, whatever). I think it's really rude to ignore people you're with and take every call/check every text and sit and have conversations in front of you. I know, different forum...but it drives me nuts. | |
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| Phones: Leaving Messages and Call Waiting
Posted: 10/4/2008 2:42:11 PM | Thanks for all the great comments. It sounds like most people don't expect the missed call to be returned. To address a few questions/issues:
I don't own a cell phone for the simple reason that at least 90% of my contact with
friends and family is by email.
Even though I hate phones, I absolutely think it's a necessity to have a cell phone, particularly when dating. If I have plans to meet somebody and one of us has a problem that will result in being late, it's essential to be able to let the other person know.
I think it's rude to give out your number, then not answer when they call.
Like others here, I'm not tethered to my phone. If I go to the kitchen or the bathroom, I won't even hear it ring and when I return to where my phone is I don't immediately check the call or message log. However, if someone has informed me they will call around a certain time or if we have plans for that evening, I'll be particularly conscientious about keeping the phone with me. Also, if I'm busy with something and don't think I can give the caller my full attention, I prefer to let the call go to voice mail so that I can call them back when I can give them my attention.
Still, I wonder, are you often more introverted when it comes to conversing with people face to face or is it just phones that peeve you? If you're open with people in person (hehe) then... whats wrong? Do you have trouble setting up dates? Do you use your computer more often to email messages or is that annoying to you too?
I'm one of the last people anybody would call shy. One of the main problems I have with phones is that not enough of my senses are being stimulated. So while I talk on the phone my eyes can get distracted by my surroundings, which can hurt the conversation. I realize that's rude and that's why I like to avoid it and talk in person instead. I love email, mostly because it allows me to contact people when it's convenient for me and I know the other person can respond when it's convenient for them.
But to say "It didn't happen" isn't dealing with reality on your part. It DID happen and your own call log is proof of it.
I meant it in terms of my awareness. Sure, if they tell me about it later then I can verify it but until that point I might not have realized they called.
The call waiting thing.. OMIGAWWWD!! Where in the world have manners gone?! I'd disable mine if I knew how (new phone). It's so rude to even have that feature!
I'm not a total hardass about call waiting. If I talk to someone nine times and on the tenth they take another call, it doesn't bother me at all. I was addressing the people who will take other calls almost every time I speak to them, sometimes more than once during a phone call.
Are you telling guys BEFORE they call you about your "phone standards", esp if it deviates from the norm? If not, you can't expect guys to read your mind.
I don't give them a run down of everything I consider common courtesies. And actually, the call waiting thing has never been an issue with guys I've dated, just friends/acquaintances. But I do tell them before numbers are exchanged that I'm not a big phone person and prefer shorter conversations so that they won't take it personally if I don't do the three hour convo with them. Also, I tell them about my silent ringtone so they have to give me their number in advance in order for me to hear their call.
First you admit to not being a phone person, so someone that takes another call over continuing a conversation with you should not be a big deal (since you've explained that you are not a phone person).
Sometimes that's correct. But if someone puts me on a hold to check the other call, they've actually extended our conversation with silence. The worst is the person who says, "I'll call you back in 5 minutes" and an hour passes before they call. That one's definitely going to voice mail.
You can't have everything go your way. You don't like to stay on the phone...but you don't want people to end calls with you if they get another call...sounds one-sided to me. You want them to be "reasonable" yet you own a phone and you are not being reasonable.
It's not as if I have a set time limit and I end the conversation mid-sentence when that time comes. Most calls begin with a certain amount of substance then turn into chatter and since I'm not big on the fluff, I'm mostly listening at that point. It's at the chatter stage that I prefer to end the call. Sometimes that's after 30 minutes, sometimes it's after 30 seconds.
If you never take note of your missed calls how do you know you've received voicemail?
I go straight to the voice mail without scrolling through the missed call list. I'm getting a lot more missed calls these days from solicitors (even though I'm on the "Do Not Call" list- grrr), which is one reason I don't bother checking. | |
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