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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 8:17:31 PM |
(Msg 227) seems to appear the only men on here not complaining of it are the ones who don't have kids...if ya'll were parents you would most likely have a diff opinion
I wrote in msg 206,
When people ask how one would feel if their daughter dated older guys my daughter, at 22, dated a guy 35. I knew she wouldn't end up pregnant and dumped because guys 35 know what that would cost them. She was treated better by him than any guy her own age treated her.
Maybe I'm wrong but could sex have anything to do with people's aversion to such unions? Do people feel that sex is the primary reason older men are with younger women? If so, perhaps I can shed some light on this.
First, let me say that at 56, my sex drive is fine. That being said, when I was 22 my sex drive was through the roof! Common activities, intellectual conversations, similar values........at 22 there was one activity, one conversation, one value that was front and center and I'm sure we can all guess what they was.
So, if anyone believes a 50 year old man's primary concern is sex while a 22 year old man's concerns lean more towards activities and conversations...........well, they've never been a 22 year old man.  | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 8:46:17 PM |
seems to appear the only men on here not complaining of it are the ones who don't have kids...if ya'll were parents you would most likely have a diff opinion
I have two daughters, 25 and 20. I was married for 20 years, while my daughters went through most of their lives with two parents. My 25 year old has completed two Masters degrees, is working as a social worker, and calls me frequently. My 20 year old is a senior in college, and calls me 4-5 times a week. They know that I have a 30 year old, live with girlfriend.
My live ith girlfriend's parents know how old I am, and keep telling her to tell me how grateful they are that I'm in her life, after the abusive relationship she went through with someone much closer to her age. They know that she's safe, cared about, and cared for. In other words, they are thinking about what's good for her.
Ok, next "opinion" that someone wants to pull out of her ***, based on nothing, to demonize people who have wide age differences in a relationship. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 10:10:17 PM | | I'm dating someone twenty years my senior. I adore him because I'm intellectually challenged by him in addition to being very attracted to him. He's loving and kind. He's a very special person. When I first started dating him, I was unsure if the age difference was a problem. But after a few months, I find it doesn't matter at all. I am more attracted to him every day. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 10:51:23 PM | if the man is older it's okay. however, 30 years is pretty significant. still, i say go for it.
if it doesn't work out, well, you will ahve had a great time i am sure, and she will hvae had a great "experience" of being with a grown up. i say go for it. you hve nothing to lose.
but the older woman younger man thing is a lot different... men being so visual... they never last.. the guy always leaves...
i have $20 bucks on demi getting dumped by the time she is 50, and another 20 on madonna getting dumped too within the next three years.. these men will not stay with these women...
lar | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/15/2008 5:25:06 AM |
...but the older woman younger man thing is a lot different... men being so visual... they never last.. the guy always leaves...
an interesting observation...i never looked at it that way...i'll be looking at those two to see how it works out...thanks for sharing that insight... | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/15/2008 6:01:20 AM | As a woman who's been there, done that, I would say - yes. A 30 year age difference is a deal breaker.
At 22 I was involved with a man much older than myself. I had been in a couple of relationships with guys my own age and thought that an older man would be more settled and family oriented(I had a young daughter). While everything "seemed" rosy at first, I was too YOUNG to really know him and see how poorly we fit each other. We finished each other's sentences, had deep meaningful conversations, had fun outings and romantic times, enjoyed being intimate, etc. but the age difference was too much.
For the record, not all older men leave because they woman gets a little older. Every older man/younger woman relationship I've ever known has ended with the younger woman dumping the man. Often times it's for a man closer to her own age that she has more in common with. Sometimes(like in my case) the younger woman walks away from the older man because she learns the pitfalls of dealing with a much older man.
They may be "healthy" at 53 but by 63 there's a good chance he'll have one illness or another. And if you're in your late 20's early 30's - possibly with children- the burden of taking care of a sick old man, her child(ren), and still hold onto her career/family/friends would be too much. As high as 50 year olds *think* their sex drives & abilities are, they still don't match the energy of a twenty-something. But most importantly, they have experience and **BAGGAGE**(even if they think & swear that they don't  ) that a twenty-something isn't equipped to deal with and shouldn't have to.
Do this girl a favor and point her in the direction of a guy her own age, get a divorce, and find a woman you can relate to and share some things in common with. Good luck. :) | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/15/2008 6:40:36 AM |
Ok, next "opinion" that someone wants to pull out of her ***, based on nothing, to demonize people who have wide age differences in a relationship.
The OP asked if a 30 year age difference would be a deal breaker. Tough question....tough answers from people with opinions based on their own perceptions, experience and feelings. Perhaps some people are simply overly sensitive and unable to be objective because of their own close involvement with the issue.
I'm dating someone twenty years my senior. I adore him because I'm intellectually challenged by him in addition to being very attracted to him. He's loving and kind. He's a very special person. When I first started dating him, I was unsure if the age difference was a problem. But after a few months, I find it doesn't matter at all. I am more attracted to him every day.
Thats' lovely. Best wishes.
But...when you are 51, he will be 71, and when you are his age now, he will be 81. The age gap starts to look a bit different then, wouldn't you agree?
Would she choose to be with you if your home and financial assistance and security were not available?
Of course, for obvious and perhaps subconscious reasons, the woman involved will deny that this may be the case and the man will too, for different, but also obvious reasons.
In answer to the OP? A 30 year age difference is a total deal breaker for me for all of the reasons I have expressed, based on my opinions. That was the OT. No offense intended. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/15/2008 7:55:43 PM | | Do you want advice or reassurance? I have asked the same question for advice when in all honesty, I just wanted assurance. I say go for it. I am 45 and my girlfriend is 25. Sure we have a different outlook on certain things but I appreciate her perspective and she appreciates mine. I find we have more in common than we have differences. I love her today and she loves me, sure she may grow and change as I have in the past twenty five years but I am not going to worry about what "may" happen someday when all that really matters is love her today. Don't worry what others say, treat her with respect,compassion and love and anyone in her life that really loves her will just be glad she found a man that treats her well. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/15/2008 8:28:55 PM | Considering I was married to a woman much older than myself and currently dating a woman who is much younger (she just turned 25) My take is that it is not a deal breaker in either case. Taking into account of course that there are specifics that must and should be addressed in both situations such as with a much older woman the obvious no children factor or with a much younger woman the same though in reverse as well as health and other factors such as goals and desires for the future. In all fairness in either case it really boils down to are you compatable with each other and love each other and if so then no reason not to enjoy each other.
With my girlfriend there are differences that we have but yet we celebrate those differences and from them we grow together as a couple. No two people are alike and as such each person will have differences no matter the age. In our case we happen to be compatable on a wide array of issues as we like the same kind of music and dancing as well as activities though later I think that should our relationship grow those things will change in time as do all things in all relationships. By embracing and celebrating our differences we find that we can enjoy ourselves by growing and learning together.
As for any ewww factor or sexual factor I can say that there has been no problem in that area and rather the opposite really as unlike in my youth where all I cared about was one thing only .....now I am more into a mutual satisfaction and able to express feelings in a better way. As such I strive for her happiness and satisfaction above mine as opposed to in earlier years it was all about mr. winky and my satisfaction.
Above all there must be mutual respect and a mental as well as physical validation. We are able to talk to each other easily and I view her ideas and opinions with respect as does she respect mine. Communication is easier and seems to flow at an easier pace whereas years ago I would just clam up and shut down. All in all I tend to think that in all respects age though it may have been a factor before we were together for any length of time now has become a non issue and not even thought of anymore. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/15/2008 9:06:08 PM | The only thing I think anybody should have stopping them from having such a close relationship with a gap this large is how it will be for the younger party far into the future. and I;m not talking about maturing or changing.. because people do that their whole lives. regardless of age gaps people still grow out of each other sometimes.
But what if you die 30 years before her. Will it be worth it to have had her invest all those very intimate years into you while she still has so many more to live without you?
Average parents are around 30. Will you be around to comfort her through her parents death? (Assuming she's even close to her parent's some people aren't but it's an example) Or will you be close to the end of your life to? Or worse.. will you already be dead. will she have already watched you succumb to old age while she's still young?
I know that young people die too. I know that car crashes and accidents and all sorts of horrible things happen to young people too. But you're making it more likely that she'll have nobodies close hand to hold when her parents are leaving her. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/16/2008 3:37:31 PM | ...But what if you die 30 years before her...I know that young people die too...
anytime a SO dies, it's a major tragedy for the one left behind...singling out a younger/older relationship as being undesirable for this single reason defies logic...since it's as uncertain as any other similar age relationship...
some people live to be 100...some never live into the 20s...of course, we can fabricate all sorts of rules for how one ought to deal with these age-related situations...still, we are just "making up" what we say...
since there are no stats about this...all we have is our "opinions"...nobody should be beaten and thrashed about with such flimsy evidence...
...she'll have nobodies close hand to hold when her parents are leaving her...
thats a good observation...a well-lived life surrounds us with a number of people who love and care for us...there will always be a loving outstretched hand for them...sadly, those who are isolated have missed something along life's path...perhaps it's not too late for them to remedy the situation before such an event occurs... | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/16/2008 6:05:15 PM | "I know that young people die too. I know that car crashes and accidents and all sorts of horrible things happen to young people too. But you're making it more likely that she'll have nobodies close hand to hold when her parents are leaving her."
You are exactly right !! Young people do die early sometimes, but thank God not as often as the oldsters. 30 years is alot in my opinion, all I can say is I know many, many, many 70 year old men and women, yet not one 100 year old man or woman. All my years working in the hospital I've not met one 100 year old man or woman, I know they're out there, I just don't know any.
Now as far as bashing goes, I think some need to re-read this post, most of the bashing is by older men who are dating younger women. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/16/2008 9:10:13 PM | I never said they shouldn't.
I said that /I think/ it should be thought about. Not that anybody was doing anything wrong in any way. it's just something I would worry about personally.
I haven't beaten or thrashed anybody with my opinion.. I did what seemed neutral and gave my opinion for viewing. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 5:58:39 AM |
...I haven't beaten or thrashed anybody with my opinion...
i know you didn't...i referred to others in somewhat of a general way...didn't mean to imply any such thing about you...your post was well-reasoned in my view... | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 6:04:49 AM |
Now as far as bashing goes, I think some need to re-read this post, most of the bashing is by older men who are dating younger women.
What I've seen is a lot of people, who aren't in these sorts of relationships, make all sorts of assumptions. Then someone in such a relationship responds. Then, there is no acknowledgment that perhaps, someone's preconception, doesn't jibe with reality.
Like the last one I responded to, a poster comes up with a "theory" that those who are OK with older/younger "obviously aren't parents". I responded that, yeah, I am, etc.. No follow up. Or that young women are exploited. Young women, themselves post, and they're ignored.
I don't think older/younger is for everyone. The "norm" is peer-peer. However, it is only one, of many factors, that go into who we end up selecting as a partner.
To me, worrying about what might be in 20 years, is kind of "losing today"...because one is so concerned with what might happen in an unknowable "tomorrow". Especially since very few people on POF were married 20 years the first time, so why do they assume that the 20 year from now situation is so critically important, that they "should" turn away from where their hearts take them? | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 7:11:03 AM |
What I've seen is a lot of people, who aren't in these sorts of relationships, make all sorts of assumptions. Then someone in such a relationship responds. Then, there is no acknowledgment that perhaps, someone's preconception, doesn't jibe with reality.
Just because you are in such a relationship does not make you an expert on the topic, but perhaps just simply on your own, and that you may be overly sensitive and unable to be objective because of your close involvement. Your comments, although enlightening and interesting, did not convince me that my opinions and preconceptions were wrong. Indeed, many of the comments of those with experience in this type of relationship, including myself, confirmed my opinion that those involved are probably not on comparable levels of intellectual, emotional, social or financial maturity. I'm sure it was apparent to others as well. JMO That is why I reverted to the OP. I was reluctant to indulge in anything that might be considered bashing. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 9:38:53 AM |
Just because you are in such a relationship does not make you an expert on the topic, but perhaps just simply on your own, and that you may be overly sensitive and unable to be objective because of your close involvement.
Shirley, there are "objective" measurements which validate that, for those for whom older/younger works, there is a statistically lower divorce rate, incidences of domestic violence, etc.. Which is not to say that older/younger would be the preferable arrangement for most people. It's not, for a whole host of reasons, including that it does get complicated, when you try to imagine the far off future.
What the statistics and anectdotal testimonies indicate, though, is that it's not an "off the wall" arrangement that "never works". I think, too, that it might question some to question some of their preconceptions, that are based on nothing other than your "feelings". There were your early posts that such relationships are always "exploitive", or it's "about money and lifstyle", or my "favorite" in this thread was some old biddy saying that the men in favor of these relationships "must not havve children".
It wouldn't work for most, but it does work for many. So, in terms of the OP, the answer would be that a vast age difference would be a "deal breaker" in terms of most people to even start seeing someone. For those who find themselves attracted to someone much older or younger, if they act on it in the first place, it's not a deal breaker just by itself. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 1:15:41 PM | | I agree that in a significantly smaller target group of those in this type of relationship that compared to the 'norm', that separation/divorce rates may be lower. There have been very few anecdotal testimonies that gave enough information to actually change my preconceptions, and my questions were still not answered. Thats' why the debate goes on...and thats' why for me, a 30 year age difference is a deal breaker. I'm actually seeing a man 16 years my senior and the age difference may still be a deal breaker! | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 1:52:14 PM |
why for me, a 30 year age difference is a deal breaker. I'm actually seeing a man 16 years my senior and the age difference may still be a deal break
Whether you are in an older/younger relationship or not is irrelevant to the "argument". What's inflammatory, is when you call "any" older/younger relationship as "exploitive", or refer to the younger woman as, somehow, "needy" or "dysfunctional", etc.. Or, as mentioned that infuriating post by someonewho assumes that older men with younger girlfriends, couldn't possibly have a good relationship wth their children.
I don't care what arrangements others have in terms of romantic relationships, so long as they are safe, sane, and consensual. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 1:52:37 PM |
why for me, a 30 year age difference is a deal breaker. I'm actually seeing a man 16 years my senior and the age difference may still be a deal break
Whether you are in an older/younger relationship or not is irrelevant to the "argument". What's inflammatory, is when you call "any" older/younger relationship as "exploitive", or refer to the younger woman as, somehow, "needy" or "dysfunctional", etc.. Or, as mentioned that infuriating post by someonewho assumes that older men with younger girlfriends, couldn't possibly have a good relationship wth their children.
I don't care what arrangements others have in terms of romantic relationships, so long as they are safe, sane, and consensual. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 4:52:44 PM | Hey RM...it seems that your post is in response to mine.
If my older/younger relationship is irrevelant to the "argument", then why did you use yours as an example? Furthermore, it was my opinion that a woman who seeks a man 30 years her senior is needy is some way, and that the man involved is exploiting that need. I never used the term dysfunctional in relation to either of those people. I believe that we are all dysfunctional in one way or another. Finally, if I were to instigate a relationship with a man 30 years my junior (OOPS...that would make him 18) So say 20 years my junior, my relationship with my children would probably deteriorate. I don't think they would handle that well. Besides, the thought of hooking up with a man in 10 years who is now 18 is just postively repulsive to me. I would very definitely feel like a dirty old woman. For the life of me, I cannot imagine a man 30 years my junior with whom I could enjoy compatibility in any other way than sex. JMO. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/17/2008 5:17:33 PM | "Nothing wrong with looking into the future, hence the reason I have a 401k....To each is own, for me no more than 3-5 years older, but thats just ME! "
I think there is a song verse that fits as well in this thread discussion, IMO:
"The future is not our to see, que sera, sera, what will be, will be" (Doris Day singing)
Even in the 50s some had seized the meaning of life.
Large age difference rels are not exactly LTR material, maybe MTR, but then what is LT these days (and always, but even more so apparent nowadays)? | |
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