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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 1:57:50 AM | Re the Opost
After reading this thread, I spent some time philosophising as to which is more of a dealbreaker in a rel: Age difference or no BJs. I decided that it is the latter. There is an saying in my native tongue that Eros does not concern itself with ages.
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As per age difference causing a maternal or paternal instinct in the older one, I think this is a tad patronising towards the younger people and that the instinct should be reserved for one's actual childen, not someone else's 22+ year old (adult) child. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:13:07 AM | OP, I have the same deal as you, I have a friend who is 23yrs younger than I am, and we are like sister and brother. It is like there is zero age difference when we talk, and yes we can finish each other's sentences, it is unreal how well we mesh intellectually. It really is cool.
Although she begged me years ago to come to Canada, I know the connection we have is strictly platonic, and if you want to break it down, there is a connection between you two that is all in the type of person you are, you just happened to find one of life's sweetest connections, but it ought to be left at that, it will last you a lifetime if you do.
My friend and I have remained close for 8yrs now, we still talk in IM almost daily, we have seen each other through some changes in those years, she is almost like family to me.
Bottom line, you ask if age difference is a deal breaker, and in your case no it isn't if you keep sharing the connection you have. Should you take it further? IMHO, not only will this be a deal breaker, there won't be that connection afterwards. Keep it for what it is, and hold on to it... | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:45:21 AM | 
OP, you do realize you're saying you're emotionaly and intellectualy stunted, right?
That you have stopped evolving and maturing those 30 years ago, thus 23 year old is your equal on those platforms?
Do you understand why you're finding so much in common with that particular age group?
And that this girl will outgrow you in about 5 years?
Good.
As long as you're on the same page.. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:51:43 AM | I think it depends on the individual when the question of age
comes into play, age shouldn't be an issue if two people find that they
have common interest, and both parties are looking for the same thing
weather it is a commitment friendship are just someone to spend time with
Females mature really fast and most already know what they want out
of life and from a relationship | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 9:52:05 AM | | age is just an number its what you feel inside that counts.ive met women older than myself but not anyone younger than me.why do people go down this route?is it a sexist thing ?if you get on with one another then go for it. | |
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| should age difference be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 11:58:49 AM | It makes a huge difference, how could it not? When you are actually looking, feeling and being very old she will be young and stuck. I saw my mother go through this, when she began to have the usual aging problems, her 25 year younger than her husband started not seeing her as his partner but as a burden and as a very old woman. She could no longer pretend she looked younger, she missed out on all the parts of life where you age together and where you have friends with common interests, and where you feel good about yourself...because she was always trying to be part of his age group. It was sad and embarrassing and it had disaster written all over it. Mind you there were married for 26 years, it was not a fling from some old cougar after a young stud, but in the end, when she really needs him and is unable to really take care of herself, he's (of course) gone and ran off with a much younger woman.
So it depends on what you want and how long you want it. Sure it can work, depends on your idea of what 'works' mean and depends on how secure you are about yourself. I detest robbing the cradle myself, I think the young people should be unmolested by the desires of the aging looking to grab them a bit of young stuff, I would feel just as much a pedophile as if they were underage, I mean men my son's age, men my daughters would date, just too icky for my tastes. But to each his own. I do know that the chances of lasting more than 5-10 years is doubtful and depending on if that's enough for you and depending on how much consideration you give to where it places the younger person, we all see success differently.
Then there's children. It's very hard to have a much older parent, it's very hard to be a much older parent, it's very unlikely you will be there for them when they really need a strong father role model and it's highly likely you will burden them at a young age. I see very few positives here, but that's only my opinion.
I have no attraction to young men but if I did, I would hope I had enough respect for them to not use them, which is how I see most of these relationships, not all of course, but most. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 12:33:27 PM |
Posted By: dave1234 on 10/4/2008 10  21 AM Subject: should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
OP - Hmm...to some it shouldn't be, and to others it could be. One would have to assume though, that the deal breaking would take place before they became a couple though, right? I couldn't imagine gettin' involved with someone, and THEN the age difference between them would become an issue...
For me, I like to keep it at a max of 7 years difference. I've met a lot of women that were mature beyond their years, who were more than 7 years younger than myself, but soon as I determined the age variance, I knew that there would never be any relationship between us. Friends for sure, FWB possibly, but a LTR...nope. Though they are mature beyond their years, what they say and feel today may sharply evolve in 2 weeks or so (hyperbole of course, but you get the idea). With a smaller differential between the two, there's still a chance for spontaneous "discovery" periods by the younger, but less apt.
Anything greater than 5-7 years for me would put up an instant buffer negating any chance of a relationship.
When I was 21, I was involved with a 31 year old, so I was the younger party more than once, with that one being the biggest variance. Going up the scale, I'd keep it at 3-5 years most.
But this is just me. Others have their own guidelines that work for them.
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 12:43:40 PM | | It's likely to me that if she breaks up with you over the age difference she'll eventually end up with another guy who's almost your age anyway. If you're compatible then be together. Get over the number issue and enjoy your lives--live in the moment. The average relationship doesn't last more than three years so stop thinking that you're "wasting her youth" or some other nonsense. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 1:15:58 PM |
(Msg 54) OP, you do realize you're saying you're emotionaly and intellectualy stunted, right?
That you have stopped evolving and maturing those 30 years ago, thus 23 year old is your equal on those platforms?
Perhaps he's saying he didn't grow bitter and jaded and hardened and cynical like many other people have. Maybe he's saying he still has the ability to view the world as an exciting and beautiful place. That's my take on it when he writes in msg 15,
...I created the money before and I will create it again, as money, intelligence, capacity,capability, and all requirements for existance, God willing will be provided,...
How many 50 year olds recently separated/divorced have that attitude?  Hmmm, not many from reading the forums. "Go slow, build trust, check out the person, watch for red flags".....gawd, it sounds like people are walking through a mine field!
As for
And that this girl will outgrow you in about 5 years? that all depends on her desire to be played and used by others because it's doubtful she'll find a guy who cares for her the same way it's apparent the OP does. On the other hand maybe she's wise enough to realize how lucky she is. Maybe she's heard her 20 year old girlfriends recount stories of cheating and one night stands and booze parties and abuse and heartache and doesn't need to experience that first hand.
When these type of relationships are discussed many bring up the idea the young person is somehow losing out on something. The fact is they get to experience the best part of their youthful years without the usual pitfalls. One does not have to live through financial struggles and breakups and having a partner who is trying to "find themselves".
(Msg 57) Mind you there were married for 26 years, it was not a fling from some old cougar after a young stud, but in the end, when she really needs him and is unable to really take care of herself, he's (of course) gone and ran off with a much younger woman.
And how many husbands are dead when a woman reaches her old age? Men usually die younger. Your mom could have married a man the same age and ended up burying him and suffered financially due to a lack of alimony/divided pension plans.
When it comes to common interests how many people the same age are doing the same thing? There are so many activities. Some people are home bodies. Some enjoy a varied and active social life. With all the opportunities age means less and less.
I feel there's way too much importance put on common interests as far as social activities are concerned. A romantic connection is a feeling. It's just there. If the basics are in place, where the couple want to live, equal or agreed upon financial participation in the home, then few other things matter.
My partner and I have few things in common and it hasn't made a difference over the last 12 years. How I spend my day, how I spend my extra money, what political party I vote for, what charities I donate to.....none of those things have anything to do with how I feel about her nor how she feels about me. How could they? They never mattered the day we met. My desire for her was never predicated on what TV shows she watched.
I really have difficulty understanding the importance people put on "things in common". IMO, romantic relationships are more like family relationships than friendships. Once past puberty we grew to have less and less in common with our parents but that never changed how we felt about them assuming they were decent people to begin with. Also, many times we don't hang out with our siblings but that doesn't change how we feel about them.
Friendships, on the other hand, are the opposite. Once we stop doing things together we tend to grow apart. I see the obvious conclusion to be if a romantic relationship is based 0n "things in common" it has a poor chance of lasting. If that "I want you!" feeling isn't there, in and of itself, it's on a shaky foundation. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/5/2008 9:59:33 PM | Re the Opost
I think that another poster mentioned it too, that with most rels and marriages not lasting more than 5 years these days, how old and compatible they are gonna be in 10-15 years does not really matter, does it? | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 2:27:43 AM | | I say if you both have those feelings after that long of just being 'friends'. Go for it! You obviously have enough in common right now to keep a conversation going for a year. It might work out and it might not due to changes in interests/growing apart. But with that in mind, it's worth a try, isn't it? | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 11:51:32 AM |
good kitty: "OP, you do realize you're saying you're emotionaly and intellectualy stunted, right?
That you have stopped evolving and maturing those 30 years ago, thus 23 year old is your equal on those platforms?"
I don't know. Is "maturing/evolving" the equivalent of...
* no longer being willing to enjoy life
* losing spontaneity
* less often interested in sex as a pasttime
* unwilling to take risks (scuba diving, bungee-jumping, parasailing...)
* unwilling to spend money on an activity since that money could be used for nesting/saving instead
I've been around many girls/women. I enjoy the company of a woman who is intellectual and yet she still loves life and lives it actively. But those women are so few that they might as well not exist. Too often, it is their maturity that prevents them from living an active life outside of the house. To many women, a mature behavior involves fixing up her surroundings and then entrenching herself there (nesting behavior).
So if a man is seeking out the company of a younger girl then maybe he's not compatible with staying at home and fixing that up, he wants to get outside and live in the fresh air. I think this duality of wanting a home life or wanting an out-of-home life is what makes up the differing opinions that we're seeing here.
It's okay to disagree about what we think maturity means. At least recognize that "spending all your time at home" isn't necessarily my idea of happiness as someone who's getting older. To me, spending all my time at home is an excellent catalyst for depression. It's not healthy to be stuck in a rut and if that's the definition of maturity then I'll be Peter Pan instead. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 1:21:00 PM | In my view, two things are possible:
1) She falls in love with you and gets to have the privilege of watching you grow old and die before very eyes leaving her alone and an emotional wreck.
2) She doesn't fall in love with you and she's scarred emotionally from having a relationship with a man 30 years older than she is, leaving her an emotional wreck. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:09:21 PM | | You never know what will or won't work. There is less age differnce between me and my Dad, and he has recently come to live with me. Now don't get me wrong he's in great shape, for his age. But he needs care, as do most men & women of that age, I know this because I work in a hospital. No matter what anyone chooses to believe, anyone 20-30 years older, the younger becomes a care-giver eventually, it's just a matter of time. Having said that, you only live once so enjoy what you have while you have it... | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:23:30 PM | "re: msg #64...boy, i'm thinking that's about the most cynical comment i've read here...and what do you really think?'
Instead of insulting another poster, tell us how you see a 30 year age differnce playing out. I'd be curious to know. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:37:41 PM |
(Msg 64) She falls in love with you and gets to have the privilege of watching you grow old and die before very eyes leaving her alone and an emotional wreck.
Huh? That happens in every relationship where people honor the "till death do us part". | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:56:09 PM | "Huh? That happens in every relationship where people honor the "till death do us part".
Maybe so, but both sets of my Grandparents died within a few months of each other....not 20 - 30 years of each other. Actually my mothers mother was a little older than my Grandfather and he died within a month of my Grandmother. I'm just glad they weren't alone for too long... | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:27:30 PM | | OP - my sister married a man 2 months younger than our mother. They just had their 16th anniversary. Some people are able to get over 'robbing the cradle'/'sleeping with dad' . Wouldn't work for me, personally, but it does for some people. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:42:33 PM | not necessarily!depends upon your hearts&heads.theres is such a gap thou,as you become older and she younger,most times you grow apart.been my experience.i have dated young women,doesnt seem to last ,we want different things in life at different times.good luck&best wishes.they do help keep me young.lol. | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:42:42 PM | Well OP, I've read all the posts to date and found the subject and replies interesting to say the least so thought I'd pop in with my two bits worth.
My experience as I've grown from a young girl to a mature woman has shown me that age really is only a number, it is the feeling you have when you are together and apart that makes the difference.. when I was younger, close to your friends age, I dated a man that was a lot older than me.
He taught me how to communicate, enjoy differences in cultures, music and many many things that I might never have gotten to experience until I was a whole lot older, if ever. This relationship, though it only lasted a few years, had stood me good as I matured, some I've even passed on to future relationships .
Now I am past his age and dating younger men at times, but I don't feel a whole lot different inside, I'm still a young girl in my heart and mind.. so yes, I truly believe age is just a number. But Please, Just be sure you do have a lot in common, that it is not an ego thing but true feelings for each other, otherwise one of you will get bored quickly and someone may get hurt.  | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 7:02:20 PM | msg #67...that's about the most cynical comment i've read here...and what do you really think?'
Instead of insulting another poster, tell us how you see a 30 year age differnce playing out. I'd be curious to know.
kellygrl51, i've posted more than once in this thread what i felt about this particular situation...and it mostly involved adding information so the OP could make a decision to enhance his and his much younger honey's life...
apparently, you and the poster you are concerned about have a very different view of what the OP ought to do...good for you for expressing it...
if calling cynical comments exactly what they are offended you or that particular poster, then i don't know what to say that will please you...apologizing for telling the truth seems to defeat the whole purpose of this forum... | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 7:17:42 PM | | I don’t think age is too important if you are both at least 30 years old with reasonable life experience. However, I do think that women in their early 20s should be very wary when dating men twice their age. Men in their 40s and 50s often have hidden agendas, and are more sophisticated than a 20 year old girl who still has a lot to learn about life. Such a relationship would at worst, be dangerous, and at best, cause escalating grief to the girl in the future, especially in the long term. Love is blind, so girls, please take into consideration what your parents and friends have to say because they’re probably right. Older men, why don’t you look for women who are at least in their 30s and well into their careers? | |
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| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/6/2008 7:26:54 PM | Same age as me . Looking at a kid that is old enought to be your
Grandaughter
or your daughter
Where are her parents in all this ?
Cause I'd kick your a*** and then hers
What could you two possibly have common and do you want from her besides the obvious ?
At least date someone 35-plus if you wanna something with each
My profile clearly states that the only thing someone under 35 has in common with me is I'm the same age as their parents . | |
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