|
|
|
|
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 1:24:36 PM | | Personally I wouldn't have a serious relationship with a woman who is 30+ yrs older than me. I don't think there would be any more long term compatibility when the age difference is that large. A woman who is that much older than me would be in her 60s and close to retirement. However if a 60 yr old woman wanted to date a 30 yr old man or vice versa, then that is their prerogative. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 1:26:33 PM | Re post 95:
My post 90 was not in reference to posts 88 and 89 and thus did not refer to them, it referred to the Opost in general as well as some posts by parents who claimed that they would kick the @#@## of their daughter as well as the old man!
---
Re the Opost
Again, persons 21 yo can drive legally, vote, fight in wars, hold jobs, pay taxes, sign contracts, etc etc, ie they are adults. How adults, that is heavily influenced by the parenting they received by their very parents from 0-18.
As adults now, they may, or may not, be attracted and/or attract the consentual romantic interest of persons of age very different than theirs. To claim that a 21 yo cannot establish a connection with a 41 or 51 or even 61 yo is "generation-ism" (as in race-ism) that seeks to "ghetto-size" people with yet another excuse, this time age brackets. As it can be seen IRL and in the forums as well, there are 21 yo people who are wise and mature and older poeple, often parents, who via their opinions show that they lack the maturity that some claim is associated with age. Kicking someone's @^^@ is not only an immature act but also an act that can land the perpetrator firmly in jail.
I would personally not date a 21 yo, but if I ever did and her father or mother kicked me anywhere or with anything I, an adult citizen, would press charges. Because that happens to be the way "adults" are supposed to act, especially in secular democracies.
Of course an older adult, male or female, would not want to start a rel with a younger person who is looking for a mother or father figure (usually to make up for deficits in their own parents), because some are, but to assume that the younger person in a large age difference rel is looking for one in all cases or that the older one wants someone younger and "less wise" to "manipulate" is myth and wishful thinking, sometimes even spite!
As per long term, the future is not ours to "see", que sera, sera!
Live wisely and let live
 | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 3:06:38 PM |
msg #99...I'm not offended. I certainly can be cynical. That, however, doesn't mean its not the truth.
great, that's nice to hear...
when expressing opinions, it leads us to a really slippery slope re what's true or not...i never sought to assess the truth of your statement...only that it was cynical...i'm glad things are cool... | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:03:14 PM | Besides the fact that I have a 21 year old daughter and know the issues she comes to me with just dealing with young men her own age, gad why on earth would she want to complicate it with a man 30 her senior? It would be like dealing with an even older me.
FTR: Miw, if I wanted to insult there would be no mistake about my intent and it would be directed at someoone that insulted me not a group of people.
I said what I menat, "not trying to insult". If I meant that 21 year olds were as my dog I would have said that. That remark was a bit of a joke to be taken somewhat seriuosly as far as life experience is concerned. Cheers no hard feelings.
***Hard to know one's personality in words on a screen.*** | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:13:20 PM | So you are 53 and she is 23? Many women of that age are not ready to settle down and experiment by dating men of diffeent ages, styles and backgrounds. It almost surely will not work out long term but you may end up learning a lot from one another, having a great time and may even eventually become long term friends. Each relationship is different and you both may gain from it or it may ultimately be a heartbreaker for any number of reasons.
About a year ago I met and am dating a beautiful 33 year old. She travels a lot for her job and many men nearer her age she meets will not accept that. She is very well educated and a real go getter careerwise. Anyway, she meets a potential mate now and then but she is afraid she will not find "the one" soon enough to get married and have shildren. She and I have a lot of chemistry for some reason. We also enjoy one another's company and we find a lot to talk about. We both know we are not long term mate material for each other since I am within 6 months of being twice her age. Yet we still date. We agree we can meet and date other people but no one else has come along for either of us. Neither of us are "easy" so I do not worry about getting an STD from her. Who knows where it will lead but it is great for now!
Live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 4:31:30 PM | Read some of the responses your getting and most are against this type of relationship...so i'm going to be out of the norm. My oldest daughter is 20 yrs younger than her husband of 5 yrs. They have as strong a relationship if not more than people that seem like perfect matches and close in age. The key to a relationship should not be hinged on age, sex, race but on compassion, emotion, and compatibility. Partly because of my religion (Pagan Witch) I believe your body is just a vessel and it is the soul that marks your path in life. There are many young looking (age wise) people that are very old souls. Old souls that in previous lives have lived many things. Match them with a newer soul or a soul that isn't as old and BOOM...your compatible. On the outside..(looks/age) you don't look like you should match but inside in your souls you have much in common. I know alot of people don't buy into my beliefs but for those that don't think about this.....have you ever seen a man an woman together that seem so totally in love yet you can't see what they see in each other?????? It's their souls.
Why does everyone want to find their Soul Mate?! K... back to you lol sorry... If you have that much in common and you are both of CONSENTING age then meet. Your souls will do the rest. If your ment to be together you will see each other like no one else can see you....if your not your souls will let you see as others. hense...LOVE IS BLIND! Best of luck | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 7:35:39 PM |
Not really fair to the youngester in the end is it?
I don't think you can make that as a blanket statement. It all depends on circumstances.
Assuming that most people agree that a relationship is based on a "mutual meeting of needs", it would depend on what the "younger" has as her/his primary needs.
Let me answer it this way. A lot of women get involved with men about their age, who turn out to be abusive, or alcoholic/drug addicted, unable/unwilling to work, emotionally unavailable, who have sexual issues, who are unfaithful, etc..
Would a woman be "better off", if she found a man, who was much older, who she found attractive enough fo the sex to work, who was understanding, patient, gentle, emotionally supportive, grounded and emotionally stable, with a career, sexually attentive, and faithful, focused on only her?
All things being equal, of course, age is a significant compatibility factor initially, and a woman would, in general, be better off with her "ideal", who is her age, than her "ideal", who is 30 years older. All things are rarely equal, though.
I'm in an older/younger relationship now, that is serious. If I thought it "couldn't work", I wouldn't be "unfair" to her by having a relationship with her. However, as I look around me, I see a lot of older/younger relationships that last for a long time, and seem to have a less contentious, more mutually supportive and accepting, than a lot of the "same age" relationships that I see.
I guess the point is, if we elevate any one thing above all others, it's a mistake. The "right" older guy is a far better choice than the "wrong" guy her age would be. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 8:19:04 PM |
I don't think you can make that as a blanket statement. It all depends on circumstances.
Ok then..does the older of the two really think he/she is going to live forever, stay healthy as well? A bit selfish on the olders part in several ways in my eye. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 8:32:03 PM |
Ok then..does the older of the two really think he/she is going to live forever, stay healthy as well? A bit selfish on the olders part in several ways in my eye.
How many people have you encountered on POF, who had 20+ year marriages? Not many. So why to focus on what will happen in 25 or 30 years? That, and the point is, most people would rather have 10 or 20 good years, than 40 or 50 years without a great connection.
The point is, that age is one of many factors. To elevate it to be determinative is, I think, foolish. In any case. adult women get to make those choices for themselves, not based on what others think. Frankly, I have fun with the women 40+, who get their knickers in a twist, when we're out in public. It is, when they're watching, that I'm most likely to have an obvious PDA. The looks of outrage are priceless.  | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 8:41:17 PM |
Ok then..does the older of the two really think he/she is going to live forever, stay healthy as well? A bit selfish on the olders part in several ways in my eye.
I am the "younger" part of an older/younger relationship.
Ren Man really got it in the following:
So why to focus on what will happen in 25 or 30 years? That, and the point is, most people would rather have 10 or 20 good years, than 40 or 50 years without a great connection.
I was married before to a man who was 5 yrs older, so within my age range, it ended after less then 10 yrs. It made it to 6 yrs.
Romantic  | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/7/2008 9:02:38 PM | i come across age differences all the time, however 30 years is a bit much! even when i get milfer type emails or someone "too young" comes onto me in real life (30's and below) , i just want to smack them! they aren't coming after "me", they are coming after a visual or it is the thing to do for younger guys! they get brownie points like it's some sort of computer game.
for me, even ten years is a stretch in light of the issues that i will be facing in ten years or so. in a few weeks i will be 60 and it's quite a bummer as i feel much younger and look it. but, then again, i am looking for a long termer and in my mind 55 and up is the best deal for me--usually not past 62 because of the way men are not taking care of themselves and becoming whiney and resentful. they need male hormones fast!!! however, some do manage to get themselves together, so i give everyone, up to five years older ( as well as younger), a chance before i decide. if anyone were younger than that (up to ten years younger), it would probably have to happen in the course of doing life. i would not entice it or welcome it online. plus, most online men are looking for younger women anyways when in their 50's. not sure why that is that men in their 40's contact us but not men in their 50's?
my good friend married a man some 20 years older when she was in her 20's and he still looked good. now, it is very sad even though she has grown old with him and loves him. he holds her back and she is getting depressed and fat from no one her age to do things with and enjoy life with. her sex life ended years ago as well. i have several women friends who married ten years younger. they are still in their fifties, holding their own --but in fact, their hubbies look older than they do. so not sure what that is all about. maybe its botox and restylane?  or have these men, like my first lady friend, been robbed of part of their youth in the course of events?
i am often attracted to men in their forties, but i put a cork on it! i just do not want to face my elder years with someone who would not understand. so, i keep friends of all ages, but i put limits on anything intimate. i am told that often we have unfinished business in a particular age group if we keep going back and often when people get divorced or a partner deceases, we tend to go back to the age when we first met the lost one. it's like that's where we left off.
for me, my next ltr and hopefully last, will be my best friend, lover and partner in crime! for me, i need to share memories and future longings and realities. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 6:12:11 AM |
my good friend married a man some 20 years older when she was in her 20's and he still looked good. now, it is very sad even though she has grown old with him and loves him. he holds her back and she is getting depressed and fat from no one her age to do things with and enjoy life with. her sex life ended years ago as well. i have several women friends who married ten years younger. they are still in their fifties, holding their own --but in fact, their hubbies look older than they do. so not sure what that is all about. maybe its botox and restylane? or have these men, like my first lady friend, been robbed of part of their youth in the course of events? serenityCW, I can understand your surprise. Women have far more potential biological health problems than men: pregancy, childbirth, crossed tubes, internal bleeding, osteoporosis, and far more. If a man and a woman have the same height, the same diet, the same exercise, and the same care to their health, then it should be that men would be healthier than women. Also, if you look at the years from 1930 and before, and pictures from those eras, it's pretty clear that women weren't healthier than men. It's especially true when you consider that men's work was always very physically active, so men were getting just as much exercise as women.
However, 2 things stand out:
1) Women tend to marry men who are taller than them by at least 4 inches, and statistics of people show that the taller you are, the earlier you die, because shorter height means the organs are better supported by the back, and that means the organs work better. So a man probably dies earlier than a woman, because she marries taller.
2) The feminist movement has supported women's health since its inception, and has continued to push for better and better health for women. However, there is no such equivalent movement for men. There are plenty of women only groups that help women, and some groups for women and men, but very few groups for men only. So the unisex advances improve the health of men and women, and the large feminist advances help women but not men. So women's health has been promoted and improved far, far more than men's health has.
3) Worry and stress and low self-esteem has been explained as the reason for a large part of illness, bad health, and inactivity, and in particular looks, for a very long time. Maybe as much as 50% of your looks, and your vitality can be accounted for by good self-esteem. Right now, women's self-esteem is being promoted in every avenue. Men's self-esteem is not promoted. In addition, men have been blamed almost exclusively time and again for the hurt suffered by women and by children. So that has seriously contributed to decimating men's self-esteem. That is bound to make women look better and be more vigorous and be far healthier than men.
So what you are seeing is perfectly natural, in this environment. In a society that promotes the health and self-esteem of women and men equally, I suspect that you'll see that this difference will become very small indeed.
When that happens, you won't find a problem finding a man close to your age who can live with you for many years. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 7:51:18 AM | Question: "What does the Bible say about age differences in relationships?" :up:
I have seen a lot of good posts here but no one has mentioned what the Bible says about it, but I did find this:
Answer:
The Bible very rarely gives us age examples in marriage relationships (or in any other situation for that matter). We do know that Abraham was 10 years older than Sarah (Genesis 17:17), but there are no other couples in the Bible where both individuals’ ages are given. It is often assumed, for example, that Joseph was significantly older than Mary. However, there is absolutely nothing in the Bible that indicates this.
Age can be important in a marriage, but it is far less important than other issues such as salvation, spiritual maturity, compatibility, etc. As people get older, age difference means less and less. Obviously, a 40-year-old marrying a 20-year-old will be questioned while no one will think twice about an 80-year-old marrying a 60-year-old. The only warning regarding age in marriage is to avoid marrying someone young for lustful purposes, and avoid marrying someone older for money. The best course of action is to pray to God for wisdom concerning any prospective relationship (James 1:5). | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 7:54:42 AM | I think that we middle aged and older posters will all agree that we are not the same people today that we were in our early twenties. Our life experiences and knowledge have had everything to do with that. Many young people do not yet know what it is they want from life. Some of us old ones too for that matter. I was married at 18, with 3 kids at 22, and single again at 29, and having very little in common with others my age. Had I known then what I know now, my marriage may have survived. I have learned so much since then. While I don't criticize the OP for considering this relationship for his own interests, I do criticize the fact that he seems to be ignoring her best interests. Certainly, he can teach her and guide her, but the end result is that she will miss out on her youth and the related life experience. Their mutual social life will be ridiculous for both. It seems reasonable to think that they may both have an independant social life of sorts....its' just a matter of time before the young woman realizes that there is more to life than an old man in her bed. I think that this older man, being a father figure of sorts will be responsible for stunting her emotional growth and independance. It will be very difficult for him not to even subconsciously manipulate and control this girl, and in the process, she remains protected, dependant and immature. I think that if the girl were in her 30s' at least the odds would be more fair.
I've never dated men younger than myself by more than 5 years. I choose not to risk the possibility that they will start looking around at younger women as I age, and I'm not so naive as to believe that this may not happen. Alternatively, when I was in my mid 30s', my partner was 13 years my senior. It was lovely for the 5 years we dated, but the age difference was the eventual deal breaker for me. I couldn't get past the thought that when I reached his age, he would be over 60! It seemed unlikely that our wavelengths would continue to match. I chose not to take that risk and he respected my choice. He went on to marry a woman closer to his own age. | |
|
| |
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 8:48:05 AM | Well there are certainly a lot of posts on this one so I might as well post mine. I havent looked at all of the others but I am speaking from personal experience. It isn't the best move to make. I met a young man who was the same age as my son. Twenty -two years difference in age. He was a very mature, brilliant young man , who had overcome alot of challenges in his life. I had no intentions of being any more than friends but we eventually became closer , became intimate , started living together and then got married. We were very happy for several years, then he started changing. And I say He because he was starting to see life differently than I did. Our sex life changed drastically. We still did things together but it was not the same anymore. He told me he didnt feel the passion with me that he had felt with other women he had been with. Needless to say we broke apart. After I left he called me and wanted me to come back.( Like I said he was a brilliant man) .  But seriously I knew it would no longer work. I wanted him to feel that passion again. I wanted him to have a family. I wanted him to enjoy his life to the fullest. I wanted him to have the kind of Life I had already experienced. We to this day are still great friends. Actually the last time I visited his state I went out to dinner with him and his new girlfriend. But what a shocker it was to me to see that his new girlfriend also brought along her grandaughter.
Guess it was a na na na moments for me  hummm? maybe it was just me and not the age difference. Dang ! that would really suck !  | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 9:45:41 AM |
(Msg 116) I think that we middle aged and older posters will all agree that we are not the same people today that we were in our early twenties. Our life experiences and knowledge have had everything to do with that. Many young people do not yet know what it is they want from life.
Which is why, in this particular case, going with an older person is the better route. Many young couples get married and have children. While they can still pursue certain interests their life is pretty much mapped out for them. It's unlikely the older gentleman will want a family so the young woman can opt for "single and free" if/when she decides that's what she wants to do.
Certainly, he can teach her and guide her, but the end result is that she will miss out on her youth and the related life experience.
I've seen this mentioned before but never any specifics on what she'll miss out on. For example, one person may go away to college and experience dorm living and another will stay at home and go to a local college. Did the person who stayed with his parents miss out on something? Perhaps the one who lived with his parents used the saved money to buy a car. He/she always had proper/healthy food to eat.
If we weigh the things she may miss out on against the opportunities/ benefits she'll receive being with an established man is she really losing out?
Alternatively, when I was in my mid 30s', my partner was 13 years my senior. It was lovely for the 5 years we dated, but the age difference was the eventual deal breaker for me. I couldn't get past the thought that when I reached his age, he would be over 60!
Perhaps when you had reached his age you wouldn't feel 60 was that old.
It seemed unlikely that our wavelengths would continue to match. I chose not to take that risk and he respected my choice.
While there's no explaining love I do have to say I can not comprehend loving someone but leaving them because of what they may be like 13 years down the road. Iwonder if anyone else finds this "strange"? | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 2:45:53 PM | | For all the 'life planning' people do, or want to, there is always the uncertainty of exactly how long we're going to live. When time seems limitless, we're more likely to put off dating anyone unless we feel that they are exactly right for everything we want. But a true connection is so rare, I don't feel that we should pass up any person if it feels right. Love is elusive; take it where you find it. If you're a younger person, who knows, you might discover you have a terminal condition in five years, and all of a sudden that 40 year old is going to out live you, so why did you pass up on them? If you're an older person, you may find the reverse; you may realize that you are going to live another 50 years and (if longevity runs in your family, you're probably going to clock in at about 100 just like they did), you may want to find someone who might be around for that. True love is rare; don't pass up on it when you find it. Once you hit 25, your personality is pretty much set; anyone over that age is fair game. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 3:55:58 PM | msg #119...While there's no explaining love I do have to say I can not comprehend loving someone but leaving them because of what they may be like 13 years down the road. I wonder if anyone else finds this "strange"?
likewise, i was puzzled by reading that...from afar, it certainly didn't have the feel of committed love... | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 4:18:42 PM | Posts 119 + 121:
I agree.
Real/genuine love IMO does not think of the future, real love sets "fire" on Today/The Present, real love is not possessivess or calculative. It is as carpe diem as genuine zest for life is. So yes, age difference can be a deal breaker for a so called "relationship" deal (the use of the word deal echoes the underlying cornestones) but is not a deal breaker for Genuine Love/Eros.
Real Love "lives" in peoples' memories long after the relationship has ended. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 4:19:19 PM | if it's working then go for it.
y'all know the real problem here.....it's not guys in their 50's. Hell, we have a lot of it already figured out, we're still virile and healthy, and we don't play games.
ummmm...only problem is...when your gal gets into her 40's and early 50's and is really coming into her prime, should the relationship last that long....you're gonna be wearing diapers gramps. and she'll be hauling you up onto the toilet two or three times a day.
other than that, it sounds pretty damnn romantic....
 Kimbo | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 4:34:44 PM |
only problem is...when your gal gets into her 40's and early 50's and is really coming into her prime, should the relationship last that long....you're gonna be wearing diapers gramps. and she'll be hauling you up onto the toilet two or three times a day.
Most men don't become incontinent or have Alzheimers. Some do
Most women don't develop breast cancer, ovarian cancer, or suffer other serious illnesses or injuries. Some do.
I know of one couple, with a 25 year age difference. He's in his 50s. His wife, in her late 20s, slipped a fell on her head, and has a serious brain injury, that has diminished who she was significantly.
All any of us has is "today", and we can lose "today" through a constant focus on "tomorrow", projecting into an unknowable future.
What I do know is that older/younger relationships have a much better track record than teenage marriages, but no one views those as "odd". | |
|
| |
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 5:41:49 PM | Re Post 124:
"...All any of us has is "today", and we can lose "today" through a constant focus on "tomorrow", projecting into an unknowable future. ..."
That is one of the wisest, IMO, syllogisms that I have read in these forums in the 1.5 years I am posting. So many people seem to have lost focus on Today and have a near fixation on "tomorrow" or "forever". So non Carpe Diem or even seize the year or the decade! This topic of age difference helps bring this issue to the surface. It seems more people are dating as if they are out to buy a house or a car rather than live and love! Oh well, live and let live. To each his/her life philosophy.
But partners are not health/retirement-old age insurance policies. Not in our era anyway. Many seem to treat dating as such! | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/8/2008 6:00:46 PM | Interesting Nick!
Re Post 124:
"...All any of us has is "today", and we can lose "today" through a constant focus on "tomorrow", projecting into an unknowable future. ..."
That is one of the wisest, IMO, syllogisms that I have read in these forums in the 1.5 years I am posting. So many people seem to have lost focus on Today and have a near fixation on "tomorrow" or "forever". So non Carpe Diem or even seize the year or the decade! This topic of age difference helps bring this issue to the surface. It seems more people are dating as if they are out to buy a house or a car rather than live and love! Oh well, live and let live. To each his/her life philosophy.
But partners are not health/retirement-old age insurance policies. Not in our era anyway. Many seem to treat dating as such
I have to say I like your analogy of dating like buying a car or house. I see it often!!
What I must say is "Carpe Diem" was something I was taught not by a high school teacher but a man in my church who would say this and he would say it every week! LOL He was an amazing man who lived each day for the day! Your reference reminded me of him and I will now have to be more "Carpe Diem". Thank You for the reminder! 
Romantic | |
|
|
| Page 5 of 13
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 |
|
Home
login 
