| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 5:51:18 PM |
I dated a man 22 years my senior...he was wonderful and I adored him. Sadly it was a deal breaker because I wanted more children and he wanted none.
Verissa, I used your post, to illustrate a point. Your relationship with this man ended, ultimately. The vast majority of relationships do, but how many end, and years later, have someone remember her former parter as "He was wonderful, and I adored him"?
It doesn't sound as if you were "damaged" from the experience. Quite the contrary, it wold seem. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 5:54:25 PM | The reality is that the older men, say 45 - 65, date and marry younger women 35 - 50, not 18 -23 or thereabouts. My remarks were addressed to this part of the population. Your and my recently-turned-adult daughters are safe from the codgers!
Most people in their late teens through their late twenties or even into their early thirties date and marry mates within a couple of years of their own age. My remarks concern middle aged and older men, not young men. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 6:13:24 PM | | I personally prefer to date men younger than myself as they are much better at conversation and interaction on all levels. However, I would not date anyone so young that I once could have changed their diapers. JMO | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 6:25:26 PM |
(Msg 201) If young adults are not mature enough to think for themselves who is to blame but their own parents and the deficient upbringing they were given from ages 1-18?
I'm always reminded of a story I read a few years ago. A girl delivered a baby at her prom. A miscarriage at six months. She left the fetus in the toilet and returned to the dance.
When the Police investigated she explained no one knew she was pregnant as she didn't show. She said she couldn't tell her family as it would have broken her father's heart.
That poor girl starved herself for months so as not to show her pregnancy because she was either scared or ashamed to tell her father. Can you imagine how she was brought up?
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
When people ask how one would feel if their daughter dated older guys my daughter, at 22, dated a guy 35. I knew she wouldn't end up pregnant and dumped because guys 35 know what that would cost them. She was treated better by him than any guy her own age treated her.
While the OP is older the gal he's with is around the same age as my daughter was. People insinuate the guy will manipulate the gal. I don't know what 22 year old females they are familiar with but I have never met a 22 year old gal who did anything they didn't want to do!  | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:59:48 PM | Depends on a few details. Like are you in any way (now be honest with yourself here) influencing her "mind" in any way whatsoever ?
As adults we have a tendancy to "overpower" young adults with our so called "wisdom" especially when we are getting "involved". Also are you buying gifts for the young one ? Showering a younger generation with gifts and showing alot of attention tends to make that person "feel" rather grownup.
One needs to really think about their motives as opposed to their wants or needs and not confuse the two. | |
|
| |
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/13/2008 10:03:58 PM | RE: 207
"One needs to really think about their motives as opposed to their wants or needs and not confuse the two."
Very well put.
RE: 197
"let me be a little clearer...while that older guy is looking, my experience says she'll also be looking back..."
Not sure what your experience is, but I work and live in a college town with hundreds of young women and every, yes every, one I know in their 20's think it is disgusting when men in their 40 and 50's eye them up.
RE: 199
"I am not sure I understand what this means. Does it mean that in older/younger rels they do not care what each other thinks????"
It means there is more involved in a relationship than simply having some things in common and being able to finish another persons sentence.
"Again, I do not understand!"
Read above response. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 5:10:17 AM | | When I was in my 30s', I dated a man 13 years older than myself. He was wonderful and I adored him. He was my mentor and confidant. We shared fabulous intimicy. Sadly, the age gap was a deal breaker because I realized that I wanted a man who would not be nearing senior citizenship when I reached his current age. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 5:24:27 AM | re: message 201...can't always blame the parents...parents have absolutely no say from the time the child is 14 yrs old...they can legally have consensual sex with whomever/whatever the age of the other person...they can chose to live where ever they chose also...at the age of 16 they can get a drivers permit and also a canadian passport without a parents permission...and leave the country...
however, they're not allowed to vote until 18 or buy booze a until the age of 19...the law is on the teens side...parents hands are tied...so that gives the teens the upper hand because of these laws ....this makes it very difficult for some parents to be able to finish rearing/parenting their kids until the age of 18
my opinion stands...old men preying on young girls are nothing but diddlers and control freaks ...and if a young girl is attracted to an old man, I feel she's searching for acceptance/father figure that she missed out on growing up. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 5:43:57 AM | Re post 211
In any case, parent(s) have then at least 14 years to "educate"/upbring/teach/shape their children and if they fail to do so, then they should not go around blaming others. I may not be dating women in their 20s or less, but this whole age debate is down to a matter of principle, democracy and anti-ageism!
Maybe a parenting licence (after training) should be required from all parents by the state!!!
Or parents lobbies should lobby governments to give them more "power" in bringing up their children to be ADULTS by the time they are 18 or at the latest 21.
>>>> So that they do not (allegedly) look for "father or mother figures" by dating older men - women! | |
|
| |
| |
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 6:05:31 AM |
Like someone else said, this discussion has become pointless and circular. Questions are raised, and answered by people, men and women, who are in older/younger relationships, and out pops another criticism.
Why so sensitive? They're not criticisms, but opinions , and it seems that only a selected few questions have been answered.
Furthermore, the female friends of my three children are all in their late 20s', and I cannot think of a single one who would not be completely grossed out by the thought of an intimate relationship with a man 30 years their senior, unless of course, and the joke is that he'd better be very rich, very generous, very good looking and hopefully near death! | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 6:33:09 AM | re: message 212..YOU don't have kids...yet so easy for u to bash the parents..yes, they have til age 14 to guide their kids, however age 14 is 8th grade ...thats just to much control for kids to handle over their lives while trying to get their puberty in check...parents try to ground or take privileges away...if kids don't like the house rules, they run and cops won't bring them back.
seen many friends go thru this with their kids...I lucked out with my kids thank gawd...that doesn't mean I'm the better parent...in this day and age where the law here in Canada is on kids side..any child from any walk of life...parents together or divorced can go astray....why so many young adults try to regain that parent figure role by being with someone much older. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 6:44:28 AM | Re post 216
Sorry but, I spent enough years in public policy and civic affairs to know better thna to "buy in" the argumentation in post 216.
And if someone is "bashing" anyone in this thread, that is parents bashing older men who date much younger ADULT men. Scapegoating them in effect, for what appears to be issues they have with their powers and abilities to raise and educate/upbring their children while they are still minors, issues that are between them (parents) and governments/states.
 | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 7:15:44 AM | as I mentioned nick...u have no room to make judgement on parents, as u are not one yourself...public policy and civic affairs ...lol..u r as full of crap as the canadian gov't..in my opinion
the OP is a legal diddler!!! | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 7:44:28 AM | The reality is that an older/younger relationship isn't necessarily dysfunctional, so why is the discussion now about "who to blame"? It's as if everyone is imagining a 70 year old man hitting on 18 year olds.
Real world, I am 28 years older than my SO, which makes her 30, divorced after a 5 year marriage, with 3 children. She is, by any standard an adult. While we can criticize any set of parents, the truth is, her parents are "fine". Her father has a good job in law enforcement,having retired from the military, and they know about me.
As I've said in other posts, age difference is one, of many, factors of compatibility. I've had relationships with women close to my age,and with much younger women. With the right younger woman, it works. It brings out a softer, gentler, more patient and understanding side of me. It seems to work, too, for some younger adult women.
The interesting thing is, that the women who have been in those sorts of relationships, who have posted, remeber them fondly, or else are still in them. Even one of the principle critics, slipped up and had something positive to say about her own experience.
So, why is this considered such a "big issue", especially for those who are just dealing with stereotypes, rather than actual experience? | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 9:44:04 AM |
Furthermore, the female friends of my three children are all in their late 20s', and I cannot think of a single one who would not be completely grossed out by the thought of an intimate relationship with a man 30 years their senior, unless of course, and the joke is that he'd better be very rich, very generous, very good looking and hopefully near death!
Oh my! And this is what you call presenting your opinion? Grossed out? Jeez!
So, why is this considered such a "big issue", especially for those who are just dealing with stereotypes, rather than actual experience?
Exactly! 
This is the issue I am not comfortable with. We can express our opinion but when they are stated to have the 'semblance of conclusions' by "qualified psychologist" or a fortune teller, they lose the validity of being mere opinions but become more a reflection of the bias that may (?) have been triggered by the inner unresolved issues. One wonders why most of the time it turned into arguments. This is supposed to be a free flowing discussion as intended in a forum. I feel this is because some statements made were expressed in a cruel and blatant offensive manner. Yes, bashing! We are losing the concept that discussions are not intended to be an attack on a personal level when tangential statements are made just to win the argument.
The happy couples have not lost sight of the topic in question. They are living the con side of the question which is “age difference is not a deal breaker!” If one’s aim is to persuade the OP that the significant age difference should be a deal breaker, then let us just stay out of the therapist’s chair or the fortune teller cards and express our opinion
without applying unqualified and stinging statements especially if one has not lived both sides of the equation, as Ren Man said. How can they express their beliefs in a cruel way and ask why so sensitive?
Everyone is entitled to one’s opinion but this is a not a political debate. Licentious it should not be. I feel playing dirty is the politics way. Perhaps I am mistaken in thinking of this as a community. But to each his own. As someone said, it is a discussion! Then stick to discussion and not the blatant bashing of those who are living the opposite of your opinion. I have nothing to be sensitive about. My issue is that even McCain opposed character assassination. As the moderators said, discuss the topic, not the person. If I were in the shoes of those who are actually living the younger/older relationship, I would not be reading this thread further.  | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 9:56:51 AM | I have had relationships with much younger men and have found that there are a few differences that make it tough for the older of the couple.
Life has many roads you must go down to shape the person you are going to be. Some of these road are not that easy to deal with but must be gone down. It is really tough to watch the person you care for having to deal with this part of life and not say to much if anything at all. I know I sure don't want to go down those roads again but I understand NOW why I had to do them.
I can handle the looks from everyone, if they are talking about me they are leaving someone else alone. Just being together can over come that.
Example; most of the older folks have grown kids. They have been down the road with the ex's thing and are really glad they made it through. How you going to feel when the younger person is being torn up at this road? Yes we can say it will be ok because we have been there but still they have to go through it.
Another is the work issue. The older one has been down this road carving out your spot in life the younger must do this for themselves, again can the older stand by and watch?
Those are just two examples and believe me there are many more. Think before you take that leap. To me age is an issue. Again been there done that............ | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 10:43:06 AM | | R.Man...glad your relationship is all good, however, there is no comparison...your partner is 30, a WOMAN..not a GIRL...huge diff... she has experience in life...and maturity...prob why its working for you both! congrats! | |
|
| |
| |
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 4:49:20 PM |
...As someone said, it is a discussion! Then stick to discussion and not the blatant bashing of those who are living the opposite of your opinion....
clearly, two sides have been chosen in this thread....but not by design by those who simply express details about their younger/older relationships and then let it go...
usually those opposed to just about anything that's different will never just let it go...for whatever reason, they have something to prove...they must always be "right"...that's where the conflict arises...
looks to me as if those opposing such relationships are just chipping away at the situation while chomping at the bit to say, "see there, i told you so! it's all BAD!!"...how immature is that?...the sad part for me is that these are also parents, usually raising their own children...
i suggest that any parent who teaches using tools like bashing, hurtful statements, and unfounded criticism, plus so much more, is a poor excuse for...well, you get the message...
i also said in another post here that we all present clues re: the quality of our character in how we interact with others...it's my experience in life that those who tell us how great they are, without concrete details, are usually just making it up...i'm concluding that a few are doing that here...
i posted elsewhere in this thread that some of those young women are indeed looking for whatever relationship fills their needs at that moment...older men are appealing to them in so many ways...and mom will most certainly not be where she turn for advice b/c mom has already communicated to her in so many ways that the truth is not her first agenda...i suggest that's the biggest reason that mom is most often the last one to know... | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 6:55:50 PM | | I have noticed that the older I get that the once gazed upon as old gals seem to be looking so much younger to me now. To where in my younger years I would see a mid fourtish gal as an old marm, I now see as a young hot chick. So with that in mind I have been checking out some old retirerees booties a little differently lately because I figure by the time I reach the ripe old age of 85 or so that that 65 year old was some raelly hot stuff that I was once checking out. | |
|
| should age differance be a deal breaker in a relationship
Posted: 10/14/2008 7:01:48 PM | seems to appear the only men on here not complaining of it are the ones who don't have kids...if ya'll were parents you would most likely have a diff opinion
glad I'm not part of your statistics N.J.A.G...our children always had a close relationship with me and their dad...and proud to say I always was and always be the first one they go to with any joyful or not so joyful news, (beside their S/O's of course)... even parent/child relationships should be open and honest in all aspects..with adult children the relationship is friendship...and I have no worries about them looking for a father/mother figure...they are fulfilled! | |
|
Home
login 
