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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/5/2008 6:04:16 PM | I can speak only from my experience and my point of view of things (much like everyone else on here).
The fact is that apart from you and her father your baby has no closer relatives than his half brother and sister. Family ties, and blood ties are important for some, and fore other they seem to be of little relevance.
I have a son from my first marriage and the almost 10 years younger daughter from the second one. Not for one minute did I think that those kids are anything less than brother and sister.
What's more my son absolutely adores his little sister, as she does love him, and although they do not live together they see each other a lot. I am by now certain that my son would newer forgave me if I had hid her from him. They are family. Closest persons in the world. And one day when parents are gone they will be all that is left of our family.
Yes your child has the right to know about her siblings, as much as they have the right to know about her.
PS
Sorry but parents don’t have any moral right to share that information only if it suites them to do so, since they are not only ones whom it may affect. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:04:30 PM | | When my children are older i will inform them of their half brothers and/or sisters i have no clue how many children besides my three my ex has but i do know he had 2 from 2 previous marriages. and i will inform my children of this when they are old enough to understand this. But it wouldnt be my place to tell the other children involved about this. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:19:31 PM | If I were you I would get in touch with the mother of the children. Introduce myself. let her know that he is not involved in my life or mychild's. Then leave it up to her. She knows her children and knows how and when to tell them. This way she takes the hard work away from you. Offer that they could come to you for drink and meet the baby or if they wish you would go and visit.
I am sure she is the best judge of how when and if . also your respect for her is a good way to start if there is going to be any relationship between you and the other children.
Also you might find yourself a new family because of his uselessness | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:58:19 PM | First I want to say as someone with half siblings your medical concerns are COMPLETELY VALID.
These siblings you speak of aren't children anymore. Of course they have the right to know they have a sibling. Your daughter is only 9 months old. If her siblings choose to have nothing to do with her, it won't effect her at this age, However, what if they want a relationship with her? Her big sister might love to have a little sister and her big brother might love to have a younger sibling. She'll get to grow up knowing them and having them be apart of her life. Sharing just the one parent in common doesn't make it any less of a special sibling bond/connection. I'm closer to mine then most people I know are to their "full" siblings. I don't even like the term "half". A sibling is a sibling.
Since her brother is 16 and underage you may want to contact the mother. But her sister is an adult, you can look for her individually, or go through their mother. I would never assume you wanted to become a big happy family. With them being older you really wouldn't have to have any dealings with their mother.
You have every right as a parent to do what is in the best interest of YOUR child. I think you should definitely contact them. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 3:24:29 AM |
You have every right as a parent to do what is in the best interest of YOUR child.
You are absolutely correct, she has the right to do what is best for HER child.
On the other side of that there are OTHER children that AREN'T hers and she has NO RIGHT or business interfering in THEIR lives in any way whatsoever.
As the saying goes, your rights end where someone else's rights begin. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 7:05:03 AM |
On the other side of that there are OTHER children that AREN'T hers and she has NO RIGHT or business interfering in THEIR lives in any way whatsoever.
As the saying goes, your rights end where someone else's rights begin.
I agree. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 10:37:52 AM |
You are absolutely correct, she has the right to do what is best for HER child.
On the other side of that there are OTHER children that AREN'T hers and she has NO RIGHT or business interfering in THEIR lives in any way whatsoever.
As the saying goes, your rights end where someone else's rights begin
THEY AREN'T CHILDREN. THEY'RE ADULTS.
They may feel it is their right to know. You don't know them so you don't know otherwise.
She is NOT disrupting their lives by letting them know they have a sibling. She's not expecting anything, she's not going to start calling them, she's not gong to force them to meet her, etc. By letting them know they can make their own decision on whether or not they want a relationship with her. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 10:58:27 AM | | Only one is an adult, a young one at that, the other is a minor. How can you say that a strange woman - NOT related or even friends or close to them - without notice or discussion with their PARENTS dropping something like that on them wold not cause any unwelcomed emotion? You don't think there will be consequences within that family for her selfish actions? You have not even considered perhaps there is a REASON their FATHER has not told them? You don't know otherwise - exactly. And this woman has no right to assume she knows the outcome or what emotional issues she would be bringing to HIS children. By telling the minor child she is of course inviting her ex and them into her life once again - because I'll tell you, if it were my child and some woman did that to MY child there would be hell to pay. She knows nothing about these children or their life, so to assume her baby would be the bridge for a happy family is irresponsible and not for one second takes into account the well-being of the other children, or their family, or their mother or father, ones who are not only NOT family to her, but also NOT close, NOT in her life or she theirs. You think after an action like this there not be calls and contact and fall-out, negative or otherwise? She IS forcing something by doing what she is doing. Maybe there is also a reason her ex is not in their lives at all but IS in the lives of his other children, for all we know this mother was detrimental to the other children and that is why all contact was broken off. So she comes in and drops this on them then leaves so they can "make up their mind" and THEY are the ones who have to aftermath of dealing with the ramifications, and their parents are completely blindsided. Nice. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 11:41:52 AM | He is only a minor for less then two years more. Yes, still he's a minor but he is NOT a child. Who said anything about not talking with the mother? What I said was she doesn't have to go through the mother to talk to the adult sister. She can go straight to the sister now that she is 20 years old, she could possibly even get a better idea of how the mother will feel about it. He probably didn't tell them for his own self fish reasons. What he's cheating scum. If I were the mother of the two their children, you better believe I'd want to know.
She's not inviting the ex back into their lives the ex isn't even in her life anymore. If I were my children I would understand her going to the adult children. I never said there would be no calls on their part. I was talking about the Mother who posted this topic.
Who said the baby would be a bridge for a happy family?
What are the ramifications of finding out you have a sibling?
How are your assumption and what you would do in this situation any more valid then my own and others who posted previously who I'm in agreement with?
They aren't. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 12:01:18 PM | I agree with the people who say it's not your place. If your child at some point wants to contact them, why don't you leave the choice up to her.
Nutt | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 12:07:33 PM |
How are your assumption and what you would do in this situation any more valid
It's called a discussion. Never said my opinion was more or less valid then yours. Of course there would be ramifications to that family, you think the 20 year old will be all full of joy "oh great my dad had another child from some woman he and I wanted nothing to do with"? Cheating scum? He never cheated on her, he had two children from a previous marriage. If the OP had any relationship with the other two kids you'd think they would still be in contact, but no, none of that family wants anything to do with her. Read the facts before posting. From what the OP has also said, they were also never married. Maybe the child was the result on an affair which destroyed his earlier marriage, maybe because he is older then she, she was after his money, maybe she really wants the other kids involved to get back with him or is an attempt to destroy HIS life because he does not want the child with her, who knows? But that's the point - there are gaps to this story, but one can only provide comment on what has been said so far. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 12:17:18 PM |
She's not inviting the ex back into their lives the ex isn't even in her life anymore.
What's the point, then? You KNOW that this will cause problems with the father and his other family. So, why take it upon herself to contact total strangers and drop this kind of bomb on them - especially by bypassing the mother & father and going directly to the children? Spite? Jealousy? Twisted revenge? Petty BS? To be a sh*t disturber?
Other than your contention that "it's their right to know" (which, I don't think it is), give us a legitimate reason as to why/how this would benefit ANYONE involved? | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 2:18:21 PM | THEY AREN'T CHILDREN. THEY'RE ADULTS.
I was using "children" to mean "the offspring of..." not "minors". Everyone is someone's child. When your own parents have discussions with people and get asked how many children they have do they reply "Oh! We don't have any children. We have 3 adults."???
They may feel it is their right to know.
That's a bit like me saying that I have a right to win the South Dakota State Lottery. Now, I don't know if South Dakota even has a state lottery and I've never purchased a lottery ticket for one but I suppose if they do have one, I have a right to win it!
You don't know them so you don't know otherwise.
Do YOU know them? You don't know otherwise either...
She is NOT disrupting their lives by letting them know they have a sibling. She's not expecting anything, she's not going to start calling them, she's not gong to force them to meet her, etc. By letting them know they can make their own decision on whether or not they want a relationship with her.
If someone contacted me out of the blue and told me that I had a half-sibling that I've been unaware of for my entire life it would certinaly disrupt my life. Whether she expects anything from them or not is irrelevent. The information alone is enough to cause someone to look at their entire life up until that point in a new light. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 3:14:14 PM |
I was using "children" to mean "the offspring of..." not "minors". Everyone is someone's child. When your own parents have discussions with people and get asked how many children they have do they reply "Oh! We don't have any children. We have 3 adults."???
The way you're talking is as if she should have the parents permission to contact an adult "child". She could always wat a year and a half until they're both adults.
That's a bit like me saying that I have a right to win the South Dakota State Lottery. Now, I don't know if South Dakota even has a state lottery and I've never purchased a lottery ticket for one but I suppose if they do have one, I have a right to win it!
That is absurd. Your family isn't a lottery. I'm sure if you wanted to now if you had siblings you'd say it was your right to know.
Do YOU know them? You don't know otherwise either...
I never said I did. Which brings us back to what started this. A difference of opinion. You're talking as if you have the answers. You don't and neither do I. I'm giving my opinion as that is what she asked for. Our opinions.
If someone contacted me out of the blue and told me that I had a half-sibling that I've been unaware of for my entire life it would certinaly disrupt my life. Whether she expects anything from them or not is irrelevent. The information alone is enough to cause someone to look at their entire life up until that point in a new light.
Again, that is YOU. You aren't them. It wouldn't disrupt my life one bit.
A LOT of people would want to know. A LOT of people wouldn't want to know.
The fact of the matter is none of us here know how they would feel or how they will react or whether or not it would disrupt THEIR life. Which is why she can only do as she sees fit. If it were you, you would't contact them. If it were me, I would. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 3:47:24 PM |
A LOT of people would want to know. A LOT of people wouldn't want to know.
The fact of the matter is none of us here know how they would feel or how they will react or whether or not it would disrupt THEIR life. Which is why she can only do as she sees fit. If it were you, you would't contact them. If it were me, I would.
All of this, from a woman who has NO kids of her own and whose own profile states:
" I will NOT under any circumstances date anyone with children."
Perhaps if you had children of your own, your opinion would be different?
Further, why are you even lurking around the Single Parents forum, offering your opinion/s? Of course, there are no laws/rules against it, but can you see how many people might question your "credentials" ( so to speak), to do so? I mean, it's easy to say this & say that, but until you've experienced it first hand, do you really have a firm grasp on what's involved? I'm just sayin... | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 4:16:04 PM |
The way you're talking is as if she should have the parents permission to contact an adult "child". She could always wat a year and a half until they're both adults.
Or she could inform her own child and allow her child to decide what they want to do when they reach adulthood and she could stay out of it entirely. That's the point here. It isn't HER business one way or the other.
That is absurd. Your family isn't a lottery. I'm sure if you wanted to now if you had siblings you'd say it was your right to know.
Once again, you miss the point. If I had no clue that I had half-siblings what would ever cause the thought of whether or not any right exists to begin with?
I never said I did. Which brings us back to what started this. A difference of opinion. You're talking as if you have the answers. You don't and neither do I. I'm giving my opinion as that is what she asked for. Our opinions.
I am doing no such thing. I expressed my OPINION that leaving the the status quo and staying out of other people's business is a better option than asserting a non-existant right to satisfy her own wishes of and hoping that it doesn't create problems/issues in someone else's relationship.
Again, that is YOU. You aren't them. It wouldn't disrupt my life one bit.
A LOT of people would want to know. A LOT of people wouldn't want to know.
The fact of the matter is none of us here know how they would feel or how they will react or whether or not it would disrupt THEIR life. Which is why she can only do as she sees fit. If it were you, you would't contact them. If it were me, I would.
And once again, the point has sailed on by... What anyone would or wouldn't want to know is completely irrelevant. The question is whether or not the OP should be the person to make it known or not.
The relationship is between the father and the half-siblings. The OP is NOT the father NOR one of the half-siblings. Her relationship is between herself, her ex and her own child. The OP, IMO, has no right or business inserting herself into the half-sibling relationship by contacting someone SHE isn't related to. If her child chooses to contact their half-siblings (or vice-versa) without the OP then that is THEIR business. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:32:37 PM | "What's the point, then? You KNOW that this will cause problems with the father and his other family. So, why take it upon herself to contact total strangers and drop this kind of bomb on them - especially by bypassing the mother & father and going directly to the children? Spite? Jealousy? Twisted revenge? Petty BS? To be a sh*t disturber?"
The father has no "other family" . I am not trying to bypass the mother and father. The father is a deadbeat not only to me but to these "kids" as well. I am not spitefull. And jeaslous of what, ofthere broken marrige, constant court battles, and her two children from the same deadbeat? That really makes no sense.
I am just asking for advice as I have the childrens ( all 3 of them) best interests at heart.
I have read a few of you suggest getting in contact with their mother. This is looking like the best option. Rather then waiting till my daughter wants to contact them when she's older and contacting them myself. Thank you very much. I think this is the best option so far. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/7/2008 7:44:47 AM | My son (nearly 6) has 2 half brothers aged 18 nd 19. They didn't meet until my boy was 4. I always wanted them to know about my son, as i felt it important that my son had some family from his fathers side. They got on well. Unfortunately things went wrong, and my son has not seen them or his father since the beginning of this year.
I had no contact with my ex from before my son was born until he was 3 and I had a similar dilema to you. I had his ex wife;s address and was very tempted to contact her, but couldn't cope with the stress of doing it.
In my current position I think it is best to do everything you can for your child to have contact with your ex's family. My view point was that it wasn't my child;s fault that his father was S***, and i didn't see why my son couldn't have contact with aunt's, uncles, cousins etc from his fathers side. To me family is important, so my son's family althou different to mine is important too. I also never wanted my son to turn round to me when older and say why didn't I do more.
Things didn't work out for me, but it wasn't due to the lack of trying on my side. It doesn't mean that it won't work for you. Contact the mother first. If she understands and takes it ok, then it will make it easier for you and for her children in the long run.
Good luck to you - and i understand your reasons for wanting to do this. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/7/2008 10:29:42 AM | | Hello, I was reading your post and I hope this help's some :) or anyone who might be stuck in the same situation I have a couple half siblings, and im very glad I know who they are :) after all they're my family, and we all get along very well, even though we are 10 years apart lol I hope you tell them that they are family,, even if it don't seem like the best thing to do,, could you imagine if they met in some way other way,, if they found out on there own,, they might end up resenting the fact that you didn't tell them sooner, it's best to deal with problem's as they appear and not let them get out of control by waiting to long, right now you have control of the situation, later you might not, but what ever you decide to do, it will be the right thing, because I can tell you really care about your children, and that is what really count's :) | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/9/2008 12:03:31 AM | I think the children should know of one another. Let them do with it what they will, but they should at least know someone is out there. It is what it is. When we are gone they will only have one another to link them together from where they came. Maybe they want it, maybe they don't. But let them know and let them decide. Some people would want to know, some people wouldn't, what if those children are the ones who are on the "want to know" team. What if they find out long after mom and dad are gone. There will be no answers to questions, no end of hell.
I have five half sisters! I speak with only one. I grew up with only four of them in and out of my life. But I always knew they were out there. We choose not to speak, but we got the chance to decide. I have no questions. It doesn't have to tie you to the father. You control your life, he controls his, they control theirs when they get older.
This is sad. It lays with you and with him and you will both do what you are going to do but I'm pretty sure that in the end, they are going to find out. If you can stand behind your reasons for not telling them, and you believe with all that you are; that your reasons are sound, are fair, have at it. But you can't make everyone happy. He should have told them when you were pregnant. Ugh, I just think they should know. :( They should all at the very least know. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/9/2008 3:02:34 AM | i actually moved to another country to avoid this problem.
When your child is in school and meets some of the classe mates that just happen to be first cousins/half sister/half brother/ sort of half cousin/ second cousin who actually knows since the parents dont seem too. The family tree becomes the family forest. This can be a real problem especially in small towns where everyone is related to everyone else. I didnt want my son accidentally dating a possible half sister.
So do the children have a right to know about other kin yes they do. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/9/2008 5:10:41 PM |
If I had a half sibling out there I would want to know
You answered your own question. Tell them. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/9/2008 6:24:46 PM | | Unless they are about to date I do not see it as causing the three children any pain if they never know about each other. Children and people like to know the family. If the two half sibblings knew what importence would it have in thier lives? Will it bring two loving people to share in your daughter's life or would it just make them angry with you and their Dad? | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:00:17 PM | Why would it make them angry?
As for saying what good could it do, it could let them have a sibling relationship, they are siblings after all. I wouldn't trade my brother for the world, why would I want to deprive my child and someone else of the chance for that bond? How could it POSSIBLY have any actual harm? Its not like its some secret that this guy was with her, she's met the other kids before, so its not like its going to be THAT big a shock, a minor one maybe but its not like oh by the way your dad was cheating on your mom, this isn't another family, its another just like hers and they happen to be her childs siblings. | |
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| Half siblings, is it my place?
Posted: 10/23/2008 12:13:03 PM | My thoughts are that lying or hiding truths is wrong.
Fear should never determine your actions, most people lie out of fear, fear of hurting someone, or being hurt themselves. You should never lie to save someones feelings. Lying to children because you want to "protect" them is a good excuse, but you are only protecting yourself or the person wishing to keep the lie a secret, the children weren't given an option to choose. Just because their children doesn't mean they can be kept out of the "truth loop" because someone is afraid.
Fear is the beast of burden we all carry, never let it determine your actions in life. Its their to warn you, not control you.
Its amazing how freeing it is once you face a fearful subject.
I wholeheartedly think these kids have every right to know the truth, and afterwards they should get some counselling to help them get through their feelings on it appropriately. | |
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