|
|
|
|
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/7/2008 1:52:27 PM | Excellent post lucky dog. Two out of my four are in college, one graduated, and one in HS yet...
You confirm my sentiments exactly. By using the calendar method I adopted we were able to avoid the issue of having the teachers initial assignment books. But they were ready to do so.
As a side note, and I think you might be able to attest to this, the look on their faces, when things start flowing, is amazing and awesome to see. Stuff just starts to click one day, whamo!
It is at this point in time, when I realize that if at some point during the day, I am not disliked, at times even hated...nag...!!...I am not doing my job as a parent.
What really is happening is the learning of life skills, which relates to responsibility, accountability, along with learning how to speak to be heard, and learning how to listen.
And then...when that happens the next phase starts! | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/8/2008 11:31:36 AM | He HAS a special personal planner calendar (school issued) in which he "forgets" to write things in and "forgets" to have the teacher check.
I honestly want to beat him over the head silly, because it's like talking to a friggin' wall!!
PS, I tried to send you message, but your "blocks" prevent me.
Please send me the info, perhaps your method is different..
Thanks!!
~frustrated kitty
 | |
|
| |
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/8/2008 2:24:28 PM | I don't have a teen...my son is 9.. I am having some of these issues with him already. I e-mial the teacher..he hates that. So I know everything before he gets home. Also took away video games and his ability to go to his friends house..they just got a Wii..tourture..pure tourture for him. I just found out about the scounts. We moved so I had to locate a troop. He's all excited to go and that actually motivated him to do his chores and he's running all over getting his chores done so we can go.
I'm really glad to read this, because I think my 9 year old is a teen in a smaller body. I guess I'm in for alot when he gets older. Is a really good kid though.. just hates school and anything to do with work. The work is so easy to him at school and I think that is part of it. Maybe being in scouts will movitate him to handle his responsibilities better.
I'm gonna take notes on this thread.. lol | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/8/2008 3:54:34 PM | First off, don't automatically assume that you are doing anything 'wrong'. From the way you've described your son, I'd say that you have done quite a few things right. It's probably more related to something you just haven't done, or once did but maybe tapered off as your boy grew older.
If his lack of motivation in school is his only real issue, I would suggest simply that you stay as involved in his high school education as you likely were when he was in elementary. As our kids grow up, and the regular teacher conferences start to taper off, we kind of start to feel like they've got it all under control.
In reality, some kids really need to see that their education still matters. I would suggest sitting him down and explaining to him that you are only interested in his continued and future success. Then contact ALL of his teachers. Get their email address'. Keep in weekly contact with his teachers and stay abreast of his homework and classwork assignments. Let him know that this is what you'll be doing and then follow through!
"How's that essay coming?"
"I talked to Mr. Jones today. Great job on that exam!"
He will probably resist a little but stay consistent. If his attitude about school is the only issue, these suggestions might help.
I've had a similar issue with my 16 yr old. He thinks I expect too much from him. In addition to what I mention above, I had to sit him down and explain that if I were to do as he likes and just sit on my hands and allow him to f^$* up his life (by not taking his education seriously), that he would not have a very favorable opinion of me as he struggled through adulthood with limited opportunity. I explained that as much as it would pain me, I was prepared for him to 'hate' me now for pushing him past mediocrity. I explained that I would have to deal with him as an adult for many more years than I would the teenager. And if the teenager has to hate me so that the adult can appreciate then so be it.
Good luck!!! | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/8/2008 10:13:38 PM | If he's at all normal he already knows the difference between right and wrong, and he knows when he's done the wrong thing, so there's no need to harp and carry on and rub it in. His hormones are in control of his brain. Think of it as the male equivalent of PMS at its very worst. As a female with PMS did you ever say something to a loved one, knowing as the words were leaving your mouth how uncaring and even hurtful they were? Were you never b it chy or difficult as a teenager yourself?
I was a single dad with a teenage daughter. Talk about Venus and Mars. I remember complaining to a female coworker about my daughter and she asked me to tell her 3 recent good things about my daughter, so I did. The coworker said to focus on the good things and stop dwelling on the bad, 'cos the teenage years don't last forever but your relationship with your kid does. | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/8/2008 10:57:46 PM | I have no idea if this would work with your boy or not but here's what I do with my kids. They are 13 1/2 and 9 years old and in grades 9 and 5. Chores, they're pretty good about now. Once they realized they get no pay for no work and that I won't remind them to do the chores everyday, they learned. They each have their own weekly lists and have to check off that they did it. I do check but they're old enough to take responsibility and remember for themselves. When they asked "Mom, where's my allowance?" and I said "What allowance? You didn't earn your pay." a few times, they clued in. So no complaints from me for that.
When it comes to schoolwork, I've made some things very clear. The first thing is that I love them, am always proud of them, and always believe in them. Because I do, I will do whatever I can to help them and if we hit a rough patch we sit down and try to figure out why. Kids can get defensive pretty easily which closes them down so I'm careful in my wording. If I get the 'whatever' attitude or the old 'I dunno' and dismissed, then what they get from me is this: I tell them that if the work is hard, I'll do whatever I can to help. If there's something else going on we'll work as a team and think of a way to get through it together but if they are choosing not to try their best and work for what they want just because they 'don't feel like it' (typical teen rebellion in other words), then they can deal with the consequences. If they fail because they won't do the work, then they fail. Sometimes, even though it hurts to do it, we need to step back and make them take responsibility and learn lessons the hard way. Once they realized mom wouldn't be there to bail them out if they chose to be lazy, it put a new perspective on things.
Now, here's to hoping that sticks when the oldest hits high school next year!
I hope you get through this phase quickly :) | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/8/2008 11:32:06 PM | NotInnocent: Take note: Every seasoned fourth grade teacher, or teacher of 9 year olds, knows: Hormones start at 9!! Take a good look at the kids in his class now, and then in 6 months...just crazy how they change at this age!
Best of luck...to us all! | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/8/2008 11:44:47 PM | Kitty
"PS, I tried to send you message, but your "blocks" prevent me.
Please send me the info, perhaps your method is different..
Thanks!! "
You had blocks too! Try me now...Heck at this point I could have my oldest cab it to your house and you could copy hers! :)
Cheers! | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/10/2008 2:07:07 AM | | It is part of growing up. He has to decide to do the work, nagging wont help. I tell mine that its not an option on whether he does his chores or home work it is a requirement. Everything else is optional including games, going out etc. He usually does what needs to be done even though he complaines about it but it too will pass with time. I have to cut him a break since i will complain when i have to do something i dont want to. | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/10/2008 3:06:11 PM | Long weekend, no homework, one project to do, I allowed him to go visit his friend on the way back home from school.
One project, no big deal. ........ NBD? Ya think!? Arghhh.....
I said "assignment first", received Bambi's "you shot my momma" look followed by series of grunts and groans, heard I'm making him EMO and his college fund will go to therapist. Now I'm being subjected to a sulking teenager listening to metal.
Ok, at least the music is decent..
I really don't understand. What else can I do???!!! Bloody hell, all he has to do is finish one assignment and he's free
*rocking in the corner mumbling to self*
| |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/10/2008 3:27:39 PM | | Well people with glass houses should not throw rocks. My son was the same way. I did get a handle on it and do see your problem. In your posting you metioned x-box and game playing three times. I think that our youth are being raised to have the worlds strongest thumbs. He might need another hobby perhaps a sport. If he is not good or fails at it maybe the disapointment of failure or him searching within himself to improve might drive him. Take perhaps basketball, Having a goal in the driveway and practicing your jumpshot for hours is a great way to give those thumbs a break. Do you remember being a child and the hours you spent playing OUTSIDE. So until thumb wrestling becomes an Olympic event get todays kids outside. Perhaps though getting him out doing some manual labor might help him realize that school is not so bad.... | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/10/2008 4:33:22 PM | If at first you fail, try and try again until you succeed.
I think he "grunts and groans" and gives you those looks because you have both become "comfortable" around each other. He is hoping for your empathy and compassion. He probably expects you to know what it feels like to want to be lazy and unproductive, and if you don't he is going to feel a bit resentful. He probably even considers you as an older sister instead of some regal parent that isn't going to take "no" for an answer. I don't think you should try to "change" to get different results, because you have to be true to yourself and him.
I don't think it is possible to force someone to want to learn. Learning should be inspirational. If you try to force it, you are not going to get good results. We need to get to the core of his behavior. In order to do this, you have to help develop his character. You can do this by helping him set worthwhile and difficult goals that he has to accomplish on his own. This will give him pride and confidence. With each ego boost and feeling of accomplishment, it might encourage him to try harder in other areas of his life.
I suggest finding something other than xbox and hanging out with friends and boyscouts to help him develop as a person. He needs a project that he is interested in, that requires him to do research and the hard work. Imagine what it would be like to buy a boat or a yacht that is in serious need of repair. It would take a lot of effort to get all the necessary tools, figure out how to use them, and get that boat back in good shape again, huh? I can't think of a similar project for a human being his age, because I don't have much experience. The first thing that came to mind was moped mechanics. He would probably enjoy going out for rides, and he would probably do anything to support this habit.
Has he ever played a free online game called Runescape? It's a massive online player game that requires people to create a custom character and then build up experiences in a lot of skills such as defence, attack, strength, prayer, range, magic, woodcutting, smithing, crafts, fishing, cooking, firemaking, etc. There are also a lot of quests on it too. I know its sounds dumb, but it's just nice to see a computer image of yourself making progress. My ex-girlfriend has a degree in welding engineering but she has spent the last five years playing this game, and has a very high ranked player.
Why do you think your son is so discouraged from doing work? Is it possible that his teachers make it a very tedious and boring process? Learning should be personal. If the teachers can't show him the value in learning, or how it can apply to his life in likeable and beneficial ways... what's the point of trying, right? Maybe he just needs a change in environment and to attend a better quality or more interesting school.
I thought of yet another thing. You enjoy forums right? Maybe he would like asking for and giving advice on an online forum too? Maybe, he actually needs someone younger than him to share his experience and knowledge with and to set a good example for. Maybe he needs to be an "older brother" as much he might need one for himself. You could also try to set him up with a girlfriend? LOL | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/11/2008 11:28:50 AM | i agree with all of the ealier op.I am a single parent of 3,my oldest is 13,4,3.Since my son was 11 I went through the same thing.His dad wasnt to involved he would see him maybe once every 2 months and my son would be out there for the weekend.I tried everything to help him phycologists,school councillors,doctors.He was even taking meds for ADD.He decided that he would like to try to live with his dad who lives in the country and is married with 3 other boys.At first I said no way in he** and it continued to get worse.Finally as hard as it was to do and broke my heart,spent many a nights crying myself to sleep and feeling like I failed as a mother some how I let him go.It has been 6 months and I pick him up every 2nd weekend and it has been like a 100% different child.It makes my choice so much easier to deal with when I see how much better he is and he doesnt even take his meds for ADD which I think was a cover up for and I dont know whats wrong.I know its not always possible for dad to be involved in a childs life but I really think at that age they do need a male influence of some kind in their life sometimes it can make a world of differance.Even if its an uncle or a friend of yours all you need is a couple of hours on the weekend you never know.Good luck I think we have all been there some of that is just being a teenager | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/11/2008 12:19:22 PM | Having a teen is hard.
The one thing that works with my son is follow thru, like I saw posted earlier. For example...recently he has been showering a lot more often...no biggie...but it drives me nuts that he does not turn on the exhaust fan and is in there so long that water /condensation actually drips down all 4 walls and all mirrors....leaving little lines.
So, lately, instead of constantly reminding him, I made it his chore to wash the walls/mirrors in the bathroom. No allowance if it is not done on Saturday. He has to make the connection on his own that the walls/mirrors would not need to be washed as frequently if only he'd remember to use the exhaust fan. Telling him over and over did not do it at all. Its as though the teen brain is not capable of learning by telling..they have to experience it all first hand. Very frustrating indeed!
He has the recroom pretty much to himself, it's his space to hang with his buds. I got tired of always reminding him to tidy up in there. We have a dog, and if my son leaves food out, of course the dog gets into it. Last time the dog ate something, it gave the dog the trots. I warned him, the next time our dog gets sick from food left out downstaris, my son had to clean it up...well, just the other day, I tossed a bucket of pinesol and rubber gloves at him, and advised him our dog had trotted again, and I had found the bag of chips on the floor. My son is real careful now not to leave food about the house.
Homework has been an issue on and off too. He simply does not get to socialize with his friends if he has outstanding assignments. It is like I am punishing myself when I enforce this, cause he is very social and this makes him sulky, moody and a typical teen with an attitude...but after a few times of not caving in, he comes around.
He is always testing me...little buggar! lol
Seems like as soon as he is on track with one thing, another 'issue' creeps up...but I am crafty! lolol | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/11/2008 6:56:56 PM | Hi Kitty, I didn't read all the replies to your original post. At some point, a child has to learn to self-motivate. It sounds to me by your posting that you are the one setting limits and expectations for him. That is fine for children but teenagers....that won't work as I am sure you have realized. His rebellion may well be due to resentment that he feels towards you...a kind of passive aggressive act.
I have a 14.5 year-old and I tell him I expect him to attend his classes, get his homework done, complete his assignments, to try his best, and that is basically all the guidelines I impose on him. I have talked with him about his goals and when he informed me that he wanted to go to University for Computer Engineering, I suggested he speak with his guidance counsellor at school about the kind of grades he would need. He did and realizes that if he wants to achieve HIS goal, HE will need to commit to working hard at school and getting good grades.
The bottom line is that we have to teach our children to self-motivate. Rewards/punishments rarely work with teenagers. Perhaps getting him talking about his goals for his future might help you work with him to set his own goals. Once he has a goal, he will naturally self-motivate. | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/12/2008 3:26:46 PM | First off he may have something bugging him. But here is something for soooome reason women cannot figure out. Guys/boys for the most part do not want to talk about there problems. I am deeply sorry but its true and asking "whats wrong" 75 times only aggrivates it more. Now when a guy/boy is ready to talk, and he will when he feels like it wich will be alot sooner without asking the 76th time ,he will more than likely want to ask a guy for advice. Men generally don't have ****fest like women. We just say " hey my girl told me she is leaving for europe man" then the othe guy says "dude that sucks, i know this other chick that likes you" and wam we get on with our lives. We don't want to hear crap like "it gets better " or "if you love her chase her"
For the record moms with no help in this area just ask. | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/12/2008 3:59:33 PM | Most schools have an email system in which you can write the teacher periodically, say once a week, to keep abreast of your boy. As a teacher AND the mother of a teen who totally challenged me in regards to school, I think it's the best system. You are aware of the assignments missed and upcoming, and his ability to shovel BS at you is diminshed. It's also a good idea to keep up a running dialogue with his guidance councelor, and update her on any changes in his behavior. Perhaps she can make some recommendations. If a school pyschologist is on staff, it might be a good idea to see if you can arrange a session. Maybe your son would benefit from some venting time.
Trust me Kitty, you'll look back on after your son's graduation and breathe a sigh of relief.
(It was nail biting time for me until AFTER graduation, as the teachers at my son's school weren't required to finalize their grades until four days post-ceremony. It was so touch and go I had to run around and shop for impromtu gifts the DAY of graduation as the outlook was so bleak. But we made it. ) | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/12/2008 9:21:41 PM | | My own kids are a lesson in contrasts: my son is a polite, clean, respectful, gregarious, tidy, and talkative 18-year-old who did absolutely *lousy* in school; my daughter, on the other hand, has yet to bring home anything lower than an A, is taking high school courses in the 7th grade, and is generally reserved, shy, taciturn, and her bedroom looks like a hamster's nest. | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/13/2008 2:59:13 PM | Gave him "day off" (thanks for the suggestion, btw), then planned with him time to finish assignment, sat down with him and did the "we're in this together" part (thanks for this advice as well) not allowing him to bail until things were done and printed.
THEN I made him the food he requested (that tidbit came by email - thank you!!) to give him something to look forward to.
Today we went to kick ball around in a park.
There was some tiny tyke (around 4) who naturally stuck to my teen like glue and I had a chance to sit on the grass and watch my boy show the little one some kicks.
I'm still exhausted, but he actually TALKED to me about school without my pestering him on the walk back home.
So.. what I need is three day weekends to be a good parent!!
Would be nice, eh..
Thank you all for advice and patience!!! Of course if you have more stories how not to let your "sweet lil' angel" drive you mad, do share, please.
I'm sure I'm not the only one in this boat, and I'm sure I'll be losing my mind again over some strange teen behavior.
 | |
|
| teenage boy - laziness and negativity
Posted: 10/13/2008 8:25:56 PM | pazoozoo had the right answer, bribe him with money or really expensive material crap!
humans are a very flawed design already and you've got to add in the embedded American culture and morals!! Yikes! there is NO WAY of getting through to the younger ones! give him space .....he will run over you.
stay on his butt......he will run from you. good luck asking him for anything. get him a male role model ......the "you're not my daddy" BS starts. Pay him....... and he will work for you. oooooooooorrrrrrr you can get him to do what all the folk on the lower end of the financial pole do...........* J * O * B * !! something he probably should have been doing a few years ago. good luck with that! cheers | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
