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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/9/2008 4:33:24 PM |
Now let's not go all 'insecure' on this... (if you read my post I already said everyone will be saying 'insecure'. It's such a tired over-used cliche...)
Well then what word would be more appropriate for you? Because that's the conclusion I'm drawing from the story.
In my opinion, the guy is insecure and jealous because of several reasons. He is jealous from what he saw in the tape and insecure his gf won't do it with him. So because of those feelings, he wants to go take it out on someone and why not the person he saw in the tape with his gf. That's bs. Why would he go beat up the girls ex? Because there was proof they had sex before him and the current gf were a even couple? Isn't that like blaming an innocent party? Isn't that like also if you are a couple and say the guy cheats, that you go after the other guy and not the woman in the relationship? I always find that perplexing. Blame the third party, but not the one that screwed you over. I don't get it. | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/9/2008 10:02:32 PM | I think the real question he should ask himself is "why does she still have this tape in her possession". And then ask HER the same question. There seems to be more issues at hand in their relationship. If he's going behind her back and entering her home without her permission, that's just wrong and he knows that. If I were him, and I'm not, This would be a serious issue I would have to remove myself from. Tell your friend that if she is that type of GF, then he might want to consider finding someone else? The lack of honesty and level of distrust they have right now is just sad. One of the biggest building blocks to a loving relationship is trust. Again, I know what I would do. And it wouldn't have taken me to the point of sneaking into someone's home.
I wish them the best of luck in over comming this.
M | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/9/2008 10:45:01 PM | OP:
First, it takes a lot of trust and confidence in someone to have "freaky sex" (whatever that means, considering everybody has different definition of this. Let it be known that, unless it involves children or animals, frankly, they can do whatever they want together as two consenting adult and I really don't like the "freak" connotation attached to this thread).
Second, it takes EVEN MORE trust and confidence to tape it. A part of that confidence is knowing the partner won't copy it, or show it to others.
Third, he was a total ass to sneak around her apartment and search through her stuff to find the tape, and even more of a jerk to have watched it. This is such a breach of confidence, an a clear lack of BASIC respect, that it is ground enough to immediatly throw him our of her life once and for all.
Given the need for confidence before you have that kind of a sexual relationship with someone, on one hand, and the total breach of confidence he just showed in breaking-in her apartment and watching the tape, on the other hand, he can pretty much forget he will ever live that kind of thing with her, and count himself really, really lucky if she doesn't throw her out.
This being said, in addition to being a stupid, untrustworthy and unrespectful guy, it seems that idiot is also the jealous type, and a violent person. If I were her, I'd run away REAL fast from that guy, or face a lot of trouble in the future. | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 12:10:18 AM | Ok, several points, some covered some not. First, he's a first-class douche for sneaking in and going through her stuff, curious though he may have been.
Second she's not terribly bright having things like that lying around if she never wants anyone to see them again. I mean if you're not showing it to your SO who the hell are you showing it to? Moreover if you're not showing it to anyone are you just watching it alone b/c that's just downright weird considering you're in another relationship.
Third, he may, repeat MAY, have a right to be pissed that she won't do those things with him depending on:
A. what they were and the 'freak factor' involved (some people consider oral freaky)
B. the reasons she gave for not doing so as she may have said those are things she finds degrading and detestable yet exuberantly engaged in them with this ex on film and...
C. what kind of relationship she had with the guy on the tape. If this is some borderline fwb she's doing who knows what with but she won't do it with a committed bf who's been around a couple years that's some serious hypocrisy and worthy of a dumping. Whereas if he was the love of her life before succumbing to cancer while he's been around 2 months he needs to seriously get bent.
Finally, she's kinda creepy keeping sex tapes of ex lovers around. If a women had found a guy's sex tape with an ex we'd likely be hearing a goodly amount of complaining about how he's got no right to have kept it since they're broken up, and rightly so. I had a number of compromising pictures come out of a couple of relationships and I dutifully destroyed them when it ended and became clear no reconciliation was forthcoming. So why is it ok for her to have kept this? I'd say she violated her ex's privacy by keeping the tape around.
To sum up, it would have been nice if they could have stayed together and taken each other off the market, b/c from my perspective, neither of them are relationship material. Sorry for the wall of text, I just had a lot to say having read the back and forth in this post, feel free to ignore it at your leisure. | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 8:06:14 AM |
Well then what word would be more appropriate for you? Because that's the conclusion I'm drawing from the story.
In my opinion, the guy is insecure and jealous because of several reasons.
I wouldn't use any word to describe it... If a guy doesn't like something he doesn't need a reason, he just doesn't like it....
ok, we never said jealous either... However, I can understand jealous... I've been jealous.... No big deal.... you get over jealous eventually...
He is jealous from what he saw in the tape and insecure his gf won't do it with him.
I think he might be angry that his g/f won't do the same stuff as he saw her in the tape...
Let's reverse this a moment... suppose it was you and you had a b/f and YOU really wanted him to do something special sexually with you. But each time you'd asked, hinted or whatever, he's said... "Nope, I don't do that..." or the equivalent...
Then one day you find a video tape of him doing just that very thing with his ex G/F.... Now wouldn't you be a little angry?
Hmmm at the very best it means you and your partner do NOT have the same level of relationship as your partner had with that Ex....
Still feel special now...?
Are you angry?
Are you jealous that your partner does these things with others but not you?
Why would he go beat up the girls ex?
Well, aside from the sheer fun of it....
It's because from a man's point if view it's 'evening ' the score... The macho "Well, I beat his ass for it..."
Men think differently from women...
Look at a typical men's action movie...
The villian kills the hero's dog, rapes his girl, burns down his house... Murders his best buddy...etc... etc... etc...
But at the end, the hero gets in a long drawn out knuckle busting fight where the winner is barely ascertainable only because he's slightly less damaged than the villian...
And everyone is happy because the hero prevailed.... Yet, in reality, the villian won, because he caused the most damage.... but everyone is happy because he got 'punished' for it...
Blame the third party, but not the one that screwed you over. I don't get it. That's an easy one. It's because people have a tendency to 'protect' their partner from bad thing. Even if that bad thing is themself...
Your faith in your partner, your trust leads you to feel that somehow your partner was tricked, forced, coerced into doing those things... they'd never do them otherwise... It's an easier mindset to be in than admitting your partner wasn't worth your time, trust and emotional investment...
Also, particularly from a man's point of view... Men know all the tricks other men do to win over, seduce, and manuipulate women... So we 'KNOW' the other guy did it... not her... And it does happen.... | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 10:17:13 AM | Well I tried to get him to tell me what was she was doing on the tape and he wouldn't say. I'm curious as to what she was doing because this guy is still agonizing over it. So I'm assuming it probably was some real freaky stuff. All he would tell me was it the kind of acts a porn star would do and he left it at that.
He talked to me for about an hour about how he didn't know what to do about the images of her he now have in his head. And yes, he's seemingly blaming it all on the Ex. Saying some crap about she's too innocent and sweet to do that without being forced into it. He's now saying that he doesn't want to beat up the Ex, but he wants to sit down and have a talk with him about the tape. WTF?
I told him that he's being a stupid idiot and he just needs to come clean and tell her the truth and go from there. But he says he's not ready to talk to her just yet and that talking to teh Ex will be better for him. I said whatever and hung up the phone.
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 10:33:43 AM | Bradd1, maybe she put on a donkey show.  Now I'm curious to what was so freaky. I just can't imagine what would be so "freaky". How old are they? Did she have sexy time with an inadimate object like a tree trunk? Maybe she likes bukaki? Did he deficate on her?? so many unanswered questions...you MUST find out now!!! Was it more than one person? Cause I know some girls as soon as they hear "I kissed a girl", they think they are lesbians.  | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 12:00:15 PM |
cause what could be so freaky?
There's a lot of things that are freaky to some guys. It might have been as mild as oral sex, or it could have been group sex, bondage, bukkake. Maybe she was crying through it. Maybe it was forced. A lot of other things.
I read this whole thread and I have to agree with some parts and disagree with others.
I agree he was wrong to snoop. But then she could have been more open not acted suspiciously.
She should have gotten rid of the tape. If only from the point of view of what happens if you die suddenly. Your family gets to go through your stuff. They'd have a lot of fun with the tape. Or she may have had kids, they tend to 'snoop' to. If her ex means nothing to her anymore then she doesn't need the tape.
If she keeps the tape because she wants to remember the Ex then she should go back to him.
He's an idiot, so is she.
I have done some things in my past that I would never do again, and truthfully in some cases cannot do with my current boyfriend. I feel bad for him for that. In some ways I feel I have cheated him out of those experiences because he's never done them either.
I have tried to duplicate as much of my previous experiences with him that I can. At least that way he gets to share it a bit. It's the best I can do under the circumstances.
Would my Boyfriend be angry if he knew there were things I had done that he has not done with me? Well. I found out the answer to that the other day. We had a frank talk, and he is still steamed. I knew it was a possible he would find out so I told him rather than him find out later. His feelings are very hurt and his ego very dented. He's very angry but at least he is level headed enough to know he can't change things. Whether he gets over it or not, time will tell. Hopefully if he ever runs into my Ex he won't beat him up although I might approve if he did.
I have been photographed and videotaped before. Sometimes it's not a trust issue. Sometimes it happens whether you want it to or not.
The guy cannot beat up the Ex. It's against the law. However we have no idea what the B/F saw on the tape. Maybe he saw her getting slapped and punched, raped or whatever... Maybe he feels beating the guy up is justified. We dont know.
Maybe if her B/F knew all this stuff upfront, he might not have gone snooping, and might not be angry now. I can't blame her for hiding this stuff from him. Lord knows I wanted to bury my past under a rock and then bury the rock too.
Chimera_Obscura | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 12:25:59 PM | Personaly,,,,when he had to sneak into her HOME and search for something she felt private and from her past,,,that he bretrayed her trust,,,secondly,,,imaturity and insecurity in dealing with what ever he stole/viewed,,,to want to be physcial with her former boyfriend,,,for something special and private in her past,,,,thats sick,imature,and a great example why she may not have YET shared her dreams,her likes dislikes with the sneak thief,,,
As for "freak",,,sneaking in her appartment,STEALING and invading her treasures,,her PRIVACY,,,and claiming she is a "freak",,,because she has a higher level of sensuality and sexuality thats way beyond your experience's to respect and appreaciate fully all its beauty,,,some people even as adults think mom/dad awaited the stork or only the missionary,,,,or what you thought she was a virgin,,,who has the issues is NOT her,,,you acted far worse,and was totaly uncalled for,,and yes,there is no doubt you told others,,,just another reason she did NOT TRUST YOU to SHARE that beauty with you,,,and you have a ill temper,,,tp appreaciate,respect,be affectionate,loyal,emotionaly secure,secure in your own sensuality,sexuality is not being a "freak",,,Have a GREAT DAY,,,Dave:) | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 12:30:36 PM | Ok I just got him to tell me a little of what she was doing and Yes, it is some freaky stuff for sure.
Fisting, gagging BJ's, swallowing cum hard anal sex and even more stuff he refused to go into. I said that doesn't sound all that bad, but then he said that he wasn't getting any of that and all he was getting was good ol' vanilla sex for the most part. I asked him what he considers vanilla sex and he said that includes missionary and some doggy here and there and maybe a little cowgirl action once in a while. But he told him that she did do Bj's and that she only gives it to him for about 2 mins and then she stops.
So now since seeing that tape of her, he feels like she lied to him about the things she likes and that he should apologize to him and give him the same stuff that the ex got. But the idiot still hasn't told her about it, but he's still harping on the Ex and meeting him. He wants to know if the ex has a copy of the tape. He's also now wanting to talk to her friends to see if they know anything about the tape she made.
I told him don't do that. It's stupid. I also told him about the snooping and the tape and how stupid it was for him to do that. He said that it is perfectly ok for any guy to snoop around their Gf's place if it helps ease their minds.
Too much effort for me to do something like that. LOL. I told him to keep me informed and I will do the same with all of you. | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 12:43:51 PM | | first people who snoop deserve what they get! I used to be of the opinion I would try anything once, twice to be sure. She may have the tape to remind her of a past she left behind for good reason. Just because the ex talked her into doing that does NOT mean she liked it. If someone asks have I ever done something I will be honest but also tell them if I didnt like it not to ever expect it. He will either have to get over it or get dumped for telling her he saw it. on the other hand I have NEVER allowed video evidence! | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 3:02:35 PM | "So he said he went home and then he wanted for her to go to work and then he went back to her apt and used the key she gave him and went and got the tape and watched it."
Oh he so would have been gone, he wouldn't have had time to blink before I kicked him to the curb.
It's not anyone elses business what people have done in past relationships. They had to learn they didnt like something somehow. And people do change.
Your friend needs to grow up.
"I for one would dump her making me look like a fool."
I'm sure it's been mentioned already but she didn't make him look like anything he did that all by himself. She already told him that tape was not his to look at and that she didn't want him to.
Why is everyone so hung up on that she kept the tape?
I' m a pack rat and I keep all kinds of stuff and it has no barring on how i view the people now, but it's my stuff and I want to keep it. And as far as her leaving it out to find, she didn't he spied on her when she was hiding it again. It's her home so she should be able to keep stuff wherever she wants. I would like to think that most of the people I invite to my home aren't going to break in when I'm gone and snoop through my things....
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 3:23:51 PM | Wow..well maybe she's not into that anymore. If that was who she really was in bed, why wouldn't she be more open with him in the 1st place?or maybe she thought he was too uptight to ever be open to that kind of stuff.
Unless she never really was comfortable doing that and if that is the case, and she's not into that he shouldn't expect her to
Maybe she had a bad experience because of the anal??
Here a question for another thread..do women really get satisfaction out of having a fist shoved up their ****???? | |
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| If Your Partner was doing things with an Ex that they refused to do with you. What would you do?
Posted: 10/10/2008 4:06:27 PM |
I have done some things in my past that I would never do again, and truthfully in some cases cannot do with my current boyfriend. I feel bad for him for that. In some ways I feel I have cheated him out of those experiences because he's never done them either.
The hell with the Op's tape... I want to hear what it is you did that you 'cannot' do with your boyfriend.... | |
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