| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/11/2008 3:31:58 PM | Hi prurire,
Men don't fear women, so we don't need to develop a "comfort level." We could meet a woman on PlentyOfFish in the morning and meet her for lunch in the afternoon and be happy as a clam.
You see men much prefer doing something real with a woman--having lunch, taking a walk, or going to a movie--versus trading e-mails and instant messages. We are action oriented.
Remember before the internet, we didn't have the chance to trade e-mails and instant messages for months before meeting someone in person.
Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Timothy | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/11/2008 3:52:27 PM | I'm not a fan of creating a topic that looks to bash other folks for how they do things. Period. And yes, you're doing it in order to judge others. You post a situation that you think is absurd, only to get other people to validate the feeling you have.
That's making a gesture based on your own insecurities.
However....not the point. The point is to debate a topic.
Some people are better in person.Those that insist on chatting for a long periods of time maybe discounting some very good potentials had you risked meeting them in person.
Some people MAY be better in person.
But many are far worse.
There's nothing wrong with taking every thing at the speed in which you are most comfortable, and capable of handling appropriately for both of you.
Everything else is no one's business but the two involved.
To those who would bolt after two or three emails? Well, too bad so sad.
Haste makes waste.
I'm not looking to make grape juice, I'm making wine - really, really, REALLY good wine - and that takes some thinking, some planning, some hope and some TIME.
You want to do dating and relationships in the microwave - you'll get what you cooked. Crap.
How's that working for you?
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/11/2008 4:11:33 PM | I will second what GoneSailinBabe has said that is worded brilliant ...
I like to talk on the net and try to get to know the person better before any meeting takes place ...for me there is no hurry and I am very phone shy and I would say its the same on meeting. so I can say my true feelings and thoughts much more comfortably right here plus there is the added fact that when you have children at home and your a single parent its not easy to keep popping out and meeting fella's after 2 or 3 emails ...so for me its better on the net ...So I am also waiting for my wine to breath there is no rush for me  | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/11/2008 4:30:17 PM | | I am pretty much comfortable meeting anyone for the first time if it is not in an overwhelming atmosphere. Something simple like a walk in the park or dinner some where is usually comfortable. Besides, in my opinion, you are not really talking to someone online. It is gives you to much time to analyze an answer. In real life you answer with what comes to mind. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/11/2008 4:45:04 PM | I'm not going to answer those questions directly, but I'll answer in this way:
When I first ventured into online dating, I needed a much longer correspondence before I felt comfortable meeting someone. Eventually, I got to where I was "ready" after about five or six emails. If it gets drawn out to long, the correspondence seems to start to lose steam.
Most of my first meetings have also been my last. In most cases, there isn't anything especially "wrong" with the person, they're perfectly nice, but we're different in fundamental ways that I don't think are going to work. No blame.
I'm fine with corresponding with more than one person at a time, though it does get confusing. Sometimes I have trouble keeping people straight.
As far as I'm concerned, the more the merrier. I think I've gotten better at sensing quickly who is interesting to me and who isn't. I'm willing to give just about anyone a chance but I won't waste time in long correspondences that don't seem like they are going to go anywhere. I *have* developed just a couple of penpals that I'll probably never meet because of distance but who are immensely interesting in their own way. I'm not looking for penpals, but on rare occasions I run across someone that piques my interest enough to keep it going.
That didn't really answer your question but maybe there's a *bit* of an answer there.
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iris43
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Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 31 | |
| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/11/2008 4:57:21 PM | Cowboy you are right I could not work at your speed of doing things and its not because I can't write I choose not too...big difference. I for one know first hand the let down and disappointment when I create this ficticious person in my mind of what I think he is all about. The build up to finally meeting when I have poured my being out to this other person then to finally meet and he isn't remotely what I thought he was.
I for one go with chemistry and pheremones and there is no way you can produce that unitl you actually meet and see if it is there in the real world. I have met some incredible nice people just not for me...no chemistry I for one would like to find this out sooner than later...why waste time and disappintment. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 9:34:15 AM | Each potential meet has its own schedule, its own feel. I've had situations where we exchanged emails for 24 hrs, moved to phone, then met within 72 hrs of viewing the profile. Others I've taken my time with. All must conclude with an overwhelming need to meet - even if just to make sure you don't regret NOT meeting. Someone once told me, its better to regret the things you did, rather than the things you didn't....
For me its not so much about comfort level as available time. A study said that if you seek marriage, for example, in order to meet the "one", you need about 80 meets. At one per weekend, that translates to about a year and a half unless you double up. Factor in the volume of views, mail, and potential meets required - it takes work and time. I begrudge my time to obvious lost causes and schedule accordingly. Sounds cold - but until my emotions are engaged and my interest is piqued - it is. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 9:48:19 AM | I dont go for the 8, 10, 12 emails and mulitple phone calls.
3 or 4 emails, 1 or 2 phone calls and if the other party still isnt sure, I move on. Its basically a blind date for god sakes - Ya dont even have that many contacts before a blind date! Its a DATE - a GET TOGETHER. Women (unless they're searching for a husband) need to stop over analyzing this stuff. Go out, eat, have a drink and some fun.
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 10:05:05 AM | Reading msg 31, I'm thinking I wouldn't like that either, I would never pour my heart out and think I was in some sort of relationship with someone because I had talked to them online for some length of time, that would be nuts, that would be fantasyland making up a dream man, etc. I'm just not interested in meeting that many people so unless there's some good communication between us I don't see any reason to meet and hope it's going to be a match. But then I'm not really looking very hard to match up with someone, so my view is probably skewed. I don't see much reason in getting together with someone, getting all entangled with them, then finding out he's not anything you really want in your life, better to find those types of things out beforehand.
Like say we both like music and movies and holding hands and cuddling...cool...then after getting together and cuddling and building up hopes, you find out he's rude to waitresses and is prejudice, thinks gays shouldn't be able to marry, thinks there are other races and his is better, thinks he's divinely superior...ACK!!! I'd have wasted not only my time but just ICK!, better to find this stuff out over time by talking to them with some safe distance between you. I don't fear people, I just don't like a lot of them.  | |
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iris43
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Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 35 | |
| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 12:13:24 PM | I'm curious what people email about for weeks/months on end isn't it about opening up a letting someone in to get to know what you are all about.
I for one have no use to exchange anything about myself if there is not some sort of connection with this perosn and IMO you can only find this out when you meet face to face....
This debate is like the Republicans versus the Democrats...I can't see it your way and you can't see it mine.... | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 1:11:59 PM | | I would rather meet as soon as possible. Behind a computer sucks and you do not get to see the real person. I do not need days or months to build a relationship on here, I either want to meet you or I don't. I tried a long distance thing once and it was hell. All the guy did was lie, and it took a move and a sad amount of money and time to realize I had been taken. So, hell with comfort level. It is not real until you meet. Lets be honest, how can it be real on here? May as well just meet. Why be afraid to meet someone in person? Sorry, I would rather do that than this. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 1:46:44 PM | Attractiveness and attraction level play a HUGE role in a person's comfort level. So does a person's past experience with meeting quickly vs waiting.
I've been told that I look scary, intimidating and have been called a "cereal" killer and pedophile.
Being a father, myself, I was certainly unsettled and pissed by the latter remark. I didn't know that pedophiles had a "look" to them. Obviously those ladies were uneducated and had their head up their asses. No skin off of my back.
I can accept that my appearance may be intimidating. I've been in some of the toughest environments, yet never had any problems or been "challenged".
I met my best friend while on AOL and even she wouldn't meet me in person for 6 months! Later, she recounted that I looked "scary" and that the personality didn't seem to fit the image. Of course, she has a different viewpoint now that she knows me in person.
But then, unlike some people, I'm just being myself online and am honest. I'd like to think that those that have fav. listed me and/or attached a testimonial to my profile would agree.
If I seem ok online?? I only get better in person!
Anyway, enough about me.
Some women, whom had abusive fathers, find themselves similarly in abusive relationships. Unhealthy as it is, I'm sure that they somehow find themselves comfortable with the types of personalities that eventually become abusive.
So, sometimes stepping outside your comfort zone could be the most healthy that she does.
One thing that I feel to be important before meeting though. You should have a conversation and dialogue established before meeting. Nothing worse, than meeting and not having anything to talk about or not having enough material about each other to work with. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 1:56:03 PM | | So true Iris LOL For me it's not worth meeting if we have nothing to talk about of interest before we meet. But as I've said, my goal is not to meet unless I'm really intrigued and most people are looking for dates or relationships, so that's probably the big difference. I don't spend a whole lot of time discussing myself or my dreams, etc., I like men who can talk about all kinds of things, and there are many who can so I haven't spent most of my life dateless. I've found better connections without meeting for a while, weeds out a lot of things. To each our own. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 3:20:00 PM | | One of my fears have always been that even though I may have good convo with a guy online, he just might be a vegetable in real life. I'd hate to meet someone, as to where there is an awkward silence before one of us speak again. Or better yet have to quickly think of something, before that dead silence occur. But if the feeling is mutual, and we are able to hold a conversation just as well as we did/do online, then there shouldn't be a problem. I would just prefer to chat online for a bit, before meeting in person. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 3:46:22 PM | | I think it's best to meet a person face-to-face after maybe 2-3 emails, or within a week or so, if the interest is there. It's too easy to deceive and lie to people online. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 4:33:59 PM | Some people are just more held back by fear than others. I am one of those people that attempts to establish a certain comfort level before talking on the phone. Then a certain deeper level of comfort before meeting and then so on with each progressive step. Some people have a greater need to feel safe and comfortable and so that is a higher priority than other things. Just different personality types. I, personally, am not that successful with online dating. It is Way easier for me to meet people in real life and negotiate possible future meetings. It's just easier to vibe people out in real life. I don't know. I obviously have some issues in this area.  | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 4:34:39 PM | | Some people are just more held back by fear than others. I am one of those people that attempts to establish a certain comfort level before talking on the phone. Then a certain deeper level of comfort before meeting and then so on with each progressive step. Some people have a greater need to feel safe and comfortable and so that is a higher priority than other things. Just different personality types. I, personally, am not that successful with online dating. It is Way easier for me to meet people in real life and negotiate possible future meetings. It's just easier to vibe people out in real life. I don't know. I obviously have some issues in this area. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 5:12:03 PM | hmmm....i don't think there is any rule around this, it's a matter of comfort and each situation, every person is different. some like to write for a while...I am comfortable with that
Some like to meet earlier, I am sometimes comfortable with that.
But ultimately, I strive to live day by day...so if there is a lot of writing, then that's OK too...for me, it really doesn't require an extended period of examination.
Bottom line is...when , or if it is time to meet, it WILL happen.
i have never had a bad meeting....for I believe all humans draw some of the same bits from the same well. Our situations may differ, but deep down, inside, we are still part of one big whole...humankind, the collective unconscious, whatever term tickles you to use for that phenomenon.
Kimbo************************  | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 5:15:03 PM | Just wondering why wait? I agree with posters who say it's easy to deceive online.
I have mentioned in other postings that I have been in sales for most of my life so meeting strangers is not an issue...and the IM thing is a terrible way to communicate to me.
I would be happy to send many emails to someone who wants to question me, get to know me....really find out things and have serious discussion and the relationship can save them tons of money...altho I have been the host(ess) for many meetings and events and I have no problem paying - so if money is the problem then I guess McDonalds is the answer.
The Comfort Level seems to be something that depends on the personality and experiences of those asking that question.
If one is shy or has had bad experiences then you may be ruled by fear.
Most of my life has been ruled by : if you don't ask, the answer is no- the nothing ventured nothing gained philosophy.
In this online endeavor, I prefer the email and phone: real time dialog is best...the tone of voice and choice of words is very telling and the thru the screen seems to be a filter that covers up who someone really is.
Just how it appears to me tho...
britemel | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 5:16:07 PM | LOL!
Bottom line is...when , or if it is time to meet, it WILL happen.
Guess my comfort level is ok now....after a couple months of emailing I have a POF date in 10 minutes...
wonder how it will go?
I think good!
I'm comfortable!
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 5:35:08 PM | Not that I have met a lot of men - but I used to want to spend hours and hours getting to know the person online before I met face-to-face, only to find that the person I had been chatting and relating to, wasn't the same in real life. Not to say they were always dishonest in portraying themselves, but moreso that the text and phone conversations rarely translated into real for me.
Then I made a decision to meet fairly quickly after maybe one phone conversation. That for me, was also a mistake, as meeting someone that quickly with literally NO history, was like parking yourself down at a table and flagging down a person walking by and asking if he'd like to 'have a coffee and a chat'. Picture two people with that 'deer in the headlights' look..staring at their watches and ready to bolt for the door. Very uncomfortable and not something I'd like to repeat.
Now I would like a healthy balance. Some chat to establish common ground, but meeting very quickly before too many unrealistic expectations are there.
I think you know when the time is right and you've answered all the pertinent questions except.."what time and where shall we meet?" | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 5:45:29 PM |
Now I would like a healthy balance. Some chat to establish common ground, but meeting very quickly before too many unrealistic expectations are there.
I hasten to add, that i think this is actually true, and more of a balance. I don't view balance as healthy or unhealthy, the word balance says it all.
I am starting to feel more this way tho. My thoughts , although not totally refined, and certainly not carved in stone, are that, if you finally meet after a bazillion mails, yes, you are going to feel a connection. But, it is more likely to feel like an 'old friend' connection, more than a swept of your feet connection. However, I have had an experience that was both, a lot of writing, and a strong attraction, that may have been unusual. Or, special. I don't know.
Kimbo******************* | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 5:56:48 PM | Good point Kimbo. Balance is just that, not healthy or unhealthy.
Just as to meet sooner, than later, is not necessarily healthy or unhealthy. Going full circle it's whatever is comfy for both parties and that can't really be dictated.
As an opinion though, my above comments speak for me............. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 6:05:42 PM | I have to get to know the person through e-mails first, often chat line and then talk with him on the phone.
My gut feeling usually tells me who to trust and not to trust.
If it is someone I'm not interested in meeting I let him know before it gets to chat, I usually know after the first couple of e-mails, if they only have a one liner then I don't have the time, I take it as they havn't much to say in real.
I like someone who can write a nice e-mail and can communicate, that is just me, I know we are all different.
If we can't communicate there is no where to start.
How many, "no, tell 'but a few and yes I have dated them and found them to be very compatable to what I am looking for. I am still friends with a few.. | |
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| Comfort Level and Meeting Face to Face
Posted: 10/12/2008 9:59:40 PM |
I'm not a fan of creating a topic that looks to bash other folks for how they do things. Period. And yes, you're doing it in order to judge others. You post a situation that you think is absurd, only to get other people to validate the feeling you have.
That's making a gesture based on your own insecurities.
However....not the point. The point is to debate a topic.
You are welcome to believe what you want. My motivation was/is curiosity. I have said, twice now and this will make a third, that no one way is better than the other. I navigate dating a particular way. Others do so differently. Regardless of what the general consensus is, I would still approach dating the same way. It works well for me. No validation needed but again, you are welcome to believe such. As many people on the site who all navigate it their own way are still looking for whatever it is they seek, the curiosity exists. So many different approaches...
I have an idea that the level of comfort one needs is in direct relation to their age and experience on line. I have friends that are in their late teens/early twenties that think nothing of chatting to someone completely unknown to them in the afternoon and going out with them later than night.
I also have friends my age and older who have been on line since it's inception and think nothing of doing the same... although this is more due to having tentatively met their chat buddies through the years in real life and it not being such a scary thing and conversely meeting people they thought were really awesome on line (people they have invested time, energy, romantic feelings and overtures on) turn out to be someone they didn't even recognize in person.
It makes me wonder if those that need that "comfort level" that includes a lot of time and on line effort to meet will eventually turn into those that will jump in feet first to not waste time, assuming they don't meet their mr/ms wonderful right away. Of course there will always be exceptions (like the lady who isn't really looking to date and the guy who wants to save money).
Then again, there are those in the camp that believe meeting people that aren't a good match out of the gate is a waste of time.
I would almost say it is a quality vs. quantity thing... and yet either way you go, odds are you will be looking a long time. | |
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