| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/14/2008 5:10:19 AM | | What on earth made you attracted to him in the first place? If this is important to you, then why did you ever go out with him in the beginning? I wouldn't give someone with bad hygiene a second glance, let alone go out with him. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/14/2008 5:14:10 AM | Now wait a minute.....Does the guy just look disheveled or does he smell? There is a big difference. He may present the appearance when you see him that he is not CLEAN but that doesnt mean he isnt.
Some people just arent into impressing other with their dress. Other just dont know any better .....that doesnt mean they are not clean. We need more info.
In any event it sounds like you get along in so many ways, why not try to work on this one little problem.
Look,,,,,,in my mind you dont have much to lose by tactfully bringing this up......It bothers you to the point of bringing it to the forums, which means your probably going to end it if things dont change. So if he gets offended and stops seeing you its just ending sooner rather than later. BUT..If he is understanding and is willing to work with you on proper dress then you can work on the relationship.
Your 22..I have a 19 and 17 year old grandson....the 19 yr. old is a fashion plate....ironed clothes,hair just so....the other can get out of the shower, let his hair dry naturally, throw on whatever is nearby (yes it is clean) they are a contrast but BOTH are clean..one is just not neat lol And amazingly it is the younger one that has a gf. Go figure.........
GOOD LUCK | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/14/2008 5:14:31 AM |
What bothers me is that the fact that I put so much empasis on it, I guess we're taught to look at the heart first and looks second, but I find his dressing/hygiene habits to be a total turn off, and I know for a fact that he'd look great if he'd tweak with his appearance for a bit.
personally, i like to strike a happy medium between looking like i just crawled out from under a rock and looking like a Mary Kay madam. i suspect most other people do, too. the guy probably doesn't even realize that he's a slob. ever watch that show where the english ladies come into somebody's house that's piled half way to the ceiling with old newspapers and dirty plates? it's like that. very easily fixed, and therefore worth bringing to his attention. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/14/2008 7:57:12 AM | There is a difference between cleanliness and plain sloppy.
Some people can be clean but just don't know how to dress properly, To me there is a big difference, Sometimes we can put up with the sloppy look as long as they are clean.
My ex. was never one to dress in fashion and where his clothes hit that's how he wore them.
The kids often ask me how I could go out with him dressed like that.
When I first met him, I turned him down a couple of times because I was actually ashamed to be seen with him.
Why I married him? no answer to that....
I feel these kind of people don't like them selves much , don't take pride in them selves.
Me I am happy in my own skin, this guy doesn't sound like he is.
He should respect you enough to take time to be presentable... | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/14/2008 10:23:25 PM | Guys~
listen up... we women are turned off by men who are slovenly, take no pride in thier appearance, and nothing makes you look "old" then dressing wayyyyyy out of style.
these things matter. if you don't take pride in your appearance, let yourself gain weight, don't bathe or take care of your teeth...well, you are simply limiting your options. if you expect the women you date to be well groomed and in shape, then you better be yourself!
nothing is a bigger turn off then a guy who dresses about 10 to 15 years out of style. it dates him. it makes him look old before his time. i'd rather date an average to semi attractive guy that dressed well, didnt have a double chin, didn't have chin art, or tattoos, then a guy who was better looking and dressed like what i refer to as a "townie."
i see guys out here in the sticks all the time who dress like complete slobs. some of them could be really good looking if they just tried a little bit. some of em are really nice too.
but the thing is...it's one thing to slob around when you just got off work or something, but this is how these guys dress ALL THE TIME! even on dates! they dont try to look nice and they are usually about 20 to 30 lbs over weight. it's funny... they can't figure out why a lot of women won't go out with them. i try to tell them that wearing a beer tshirt with holes in it and stains down the front, dorky jeans, and an out of style hair cut might have something to do with it... but they don't listen...
so you should listen, if you care that is. i swear i could take any guy, change his hair, change his wardrobe around a bit, shave off that oh so 90's goattee, and update his out of style glasses... and shazaam! i can improve his dating prospects almost over night. i've given guy friends make-overs and it has made a big difference in thier romantic lives... it all depends on what a person wants though...and where they are at...
there is someone for everyone... and to each his own... but i say... listen to the woman and don't sell yourself short... there is no need to get stuck in the past and look old before your time...
lar | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/14/2008 10:49:19 PM | Ja Woll, Mein Capitano.
If I wanted to be a gay caballero in the finest style, I would have changed my sexual preference long ago. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/14/2008 11:22:55 PM | Clothes do not the man make.
Looks do count though, better dressed is better looks, talk to him openly. Try not to insult him. You have too much in common to throw it away. | |
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Posted: 10/15/2008 2:13:32 AM | Sigh... if this is really about personal preference then a) why choose to go with a slob? b) demonstrate your preference clearly by walking and finding a "sharp dressed man" more to your taste. If its NOT about preference, i.e. people are knowingly choosing to date a slob then its primarily about power and control: i.e. they choose to date thinking they can, and should, change the slob's "vile" ways.
Is it unreasonable to ask: No.
Is it unreasonable to expect him to do anything about it? Yes , but perhaps nice if it happens.
Is there anything wrong with liking or having a preference for smart-dressed guys? No, none whatsoever.
Is it unreasonable to expect slob guy to smarten up for you. Yes.
Are you going to hurt his feelings by asking him: Duh, of course you will. You are quite probably attacking his core personal values: i.e. his self-image.
The reasonable response for you is a) not to date a guy who clearly isn't what you are prepared to tolerate and b) choose another guy if you find out he was "dressing to impress" when he first met you, which is a form of lying and deceit. Sticking around determined to change a guy who doesn't conform to your preferences or to your "upbringing" isn't reasonable. Leave him for a woman who loves him for what, for good or ill, he is. What on earth are you, OP, sticking around for? ...except to impose your idea of how men "should be" on to him?
Preferences imply choices. Make the choice: take him or leave him, or any one like him. Don't punish him for his choices, make your own. This applies to more or less any other preference. If he didn't have the prerequisite number of inches what would be the point of complaining about it? He either has it, or he doesn't. If he doesn't then you have to choose whether to go or stay; you have to decide whether your preference really matters that much after all. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:21:38 AM | Tell him you want him to have a "make over" but know you will risk hurting his feelings or don't say anything and find some acceptance for who he is.
Your choice is fairly black and white.
If he decides to re-invent himself for you he will either like it or resent it. It can be somewhat disappointing to find out that someone wants to change something about you when you thought they were "happy" with you all along.
You make the statement "he seems to take pride" in it. If he is that comfortable with himself he will most likely take offence to your insistance that he change.
Good luck. I think acceptance is key. The only person you can truly change is yourself. Trite but true. Why don't you try to change "this one thing that really gets you" and love him for who he is, homely, birds nest and all. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:39:43 AM | It's not unreasonable but if it bothers you, maybe you should have a talk with him. It will all depend on his reaction to it and if he wants to change that part of him. YOu might be surpirsed to find out that he didnt pay attention to this aspect and will definitely make the change.
Some people like that, others will take it as you're trying to change him. Doesn't hurt to have a talk with him. Everything else is pure assumption. If it still bothers you that he doesnt want to change, then you can either accept it or part ways while remaining good friends. Hope that helps. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:52:00 AM | I would never be with a man that was unkempt. There is a huge difference between dressing hippie or casual and not being clean. I have no issue with people dressing in any way they find comfortable whether it is tie dye and jeans or high heels and lycra. What a person wears is their business, and it is no reflection whatsoever on their companions.
But not showering or wearing clothes that are full of holes or stained? Not unless you are working in the garden or doing some kind of manual labor that day.
Poor hygiene can be a sign of mental illness. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:52:39 AM |
So I've been seeing this guy for few months .....A few months and now you decide he needs to change?
Personal hygiene is one of the first things you should have considered BEFORE you continued with the relationship.
It is most definitely a fair question to ask him why he's a scruff. The clothes part of it I wouldn't be so concerned about.....You can always suggest that he needs new clothes because the one's he's wearing are past their 'use by date'.
It's another matter with the hygiene cause you are the one that has to kiss him etc etc.
Unless you say something he will just continue the way he is as, he has no cause not to.
He probably thinks you must really like him cause you put up with his stinkyness.
You may need to be blunt....."I'm not gonna kiss you until you brush your teeth and whilst your at it go take a shower cause you smell." | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:54:44 AM | | Ok if he's not showering or brushing his teeth, even I as a male find that disgusting. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 5:00:41 AM |
The guy is clearly comfortable in his own skin. Good on him.
Go find someone who is exactly as you want. You'll pound this guy into the exact shape you want and then find you are disappointed he let you do it. He'll let you pound him into shape and end up resenting you for always being on his case.
I agree 100% with capitano.
If the fit isn't good in all areas then move on. Wanting him to change something about himself to fit your ideal of the perfect for you man isn't going to make him better. He's already happy with who he is and if you try to change him to fit your mold then he's not going to be the man he is now. Playing the "potential" game is futile and silly and can only bring eventual resentment. Either be happy with the whole package, or move along and let him find someone that appreciates him for who he is.
Yeah, I think you're being unreasonable. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 5:09:33 PM | If the fit isn't good in all areas then move on.
but wait. isn't that pretty much the same as expecting "perfection", at least in terms of every single one of your likes and dislikes?
if it is, then i can't agree, and no relationship would ever last for long. relationships that are worth keeping are an ongoing series of compromises.... you overlook some things, you put up with others, and you maybe change a few things that you can. some of them might even be on your own plate. ;) | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 5:23:40 PM | Why are you with someone that you don't accept "as is"?
[edit]
Let the guy go. Set him free. There is a good woman out there who will love him exactly as he is, because of who he is.
A.S.is
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 5:34:52 PM | I wouldnt try to change him...I would never go in public with him...and we'd be doomed because of it.
Did your early dating not consist of going in public very often?
Anyways, here you are, it bugs you, he is what he is. If it bugs you now, it will really bug you in 10 years. | |
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Posted: 10/15/2008 5:41:36 PM | OP: If you met him in this manner, why do you wish you change him now? What attracted you to him then? What has changed?
If this is his "style", don't expect him to change now. He is who he is. Personal hygiene, now that's another story and a MUST in my book. Again, this is something that you should have noticed when you initially met.
If you feel so strongly about him, then sit down and talk to him. Use caution when delivering (your words) your discontent.
Best,
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 5:50:41 PM | See I think you outta lure that dirty boy into the shower and wash that nest right out of his hair. And while you are in there ......let it slip that shower sex is your fave form of foreplay. then let the soap slip!
Here's to some good clean fun!  | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 6:00:47 PM | | well, they make whole television shows out of slob makeovers. so i would give it a shot! if that doesn't work, then i would have to think very hard about how long i could stand the rats nest hair, etc.! | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 6:23:38 PM | It depends if this guy was a take me as I am type when you met him or if he has lost interest in his appearance and hygene since you started seeing ho,.
If the latter it might be a symptom of something else wrong with the relationship he is unwilling or unable to express.
If the former and the guy is happy the way he is, It says more about the woman's own lack of confidence. Guys are not like property where you can buy a cheap rundown property to fix up and renovate to your own tastes and then possibly trade up to a better purpose built one when the opportunity arises. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 7:04:12 PM |
I agree 100% with capitano
The captain was being sarcastic. I know its a little dificult to detect if you've lived in this throw-away society. Lilly had some more personal touches which could feasably create a better relationship, instead of starting from scratch.
relationships that are worth keeping are an ongoing series of compromises.... you overlook some things, you put up with others, and you maybe change a few things that you can. some of them might even be on your own plate..
It is a place to start. There are already feelings, and apparently two people who are working toward the compromises. | |
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| am I being unreasonable...
Posted: 10/15/2008 7:05:52 PM | Depends. If you don't like his sense of style, that's your problem, not his. You wouldn't want him telling you how to dress or how to have your hair cut or how to wear your makeup--he has the same right to look the way he likes to look.
If it's a fact that he doesn't brush his teeth or keep his body clean, that is a problem. Basic hygiene is a requirement of being part of a civilized society and shows respect for himself and the people around him. As well, hygiene and good dental care are very important in maintaining our health.
Nutt | |
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