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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 10/19/2008 7:00:43 PM | A few years back ('03) after coming out of yet another bad relationship, I did some serious soul searching.
I looked at all I had in my life (health, friends, mobility, hobbies, activities, etc...) and realized that if I had to live the rest of my life as I am now.......I could be happy.
WOW! That was an enlightening moment! I realized that the "wanting" to have a relationship had lead to several bad decisions regarding the ones I had stayed in.
I mean, I looked at what I had, and then thought of so many that have so much less than I do, that it really put things in perspective for me. How many people wish they had what I have (health, friends, etc..)? For me to gripe about what I don't have, seems a little selfish and unappreciative.
Things could always be better, but anymore, I think it's a sin to not appreciate what I DO have.
So, if I lived the rest of my life single, yes, I could be happy. Because I choose to focus on appreciating what I do have. I would be happier with someone to share it with, but I'm no longer waiting to enjoy what I do have, contingent upon a SO.
Life IS short and I don't want to be laying on my deathbed wondering why I wasn't happier, when the choice was in MY hands the whole time!
just a few thoughts | |
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¥ogi
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Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 52 | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/4/2008 9:42:42 PM | | I think answers to this question have a lot to do with peoples' past experiences with a partner/marriage/long term relationship. If you've been in a long term relationship that was unhappy and even miserable, it's more likely that the prospect of staying on your own for the rest of your life is a pleasant prospect: to have your own life, to make your own decisions, freedom, etc. A friend of mine recently reminded me it is better to be on your own than to be in a miserable relationship. Well, yes, obviously, I realize that. But, though she had a miserable first marriage, she is now happily remarried and it is easy to say it's better to be alone, she isn't alone and doesn't face the prospect of being alone for the rest of her life. I am not happy to stay single forever, but of course I would rather be on my own than with the wrong person. So, if he doesn't come along, I will be on my own, I can, I have, I live a very good life without needing someone: essentially, don't 'need' anyone. I see some older couples who have been together for ages, or at least look like they have, and it seems nice, having someone to share life with...and if we were all being honest, that's what most of us are here for, to find that one person with whom to share life. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/5/2008 3:00:15 PM | | i guess its how you define single that needs also be broached. does single mean having interesting relationships of various types (sexual and non) along the way but never settleing with one person? there are all types of ways one can answer that question. but for most of us being alone for the long haul is not a good thing and it is not something most of us will accept with gladness, if at all. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/5/2008 3:11:05 PM |
i guess its how you define single that needs also be broached. does single mean having interesting relationships of various types (sexual and non) along the way but never settleing with one person?
For me, it's not that I can't settle on one person, in terms of romantic love/ sexual partner. It's that, I just want my own space and place. I have no problem spending several days at a time with someone, but after awhile, no matter how wonderful it is to be with "her", I crave some time alone.
I did the "married with children" for 20 years. With children growing up, it's the right way to configure one's life. At that, no matter how much I enjoyed being "husband and father", I looked forward to the occasional business trip, to have some time, just by myself.
I've tried the 24/7 thing a couple of times, and after awhile, I feel like I'm suffocating, wanting and needing a day or two, with just me to "answer to". So, yeah, I think single is the only way that I could live for the long term. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/5/2008 3:11:49 PM | With the way life constantly changes, I find it very hard to ever put the 'forever' moniker on anything. So many things have happened to me in a lifetime, most totally unexpected, that it would be very difficult for me to think that because today I am 'this' that it would lead to the conclusion that it will remain that way for the rest of my life. For the things that I find pleasureful, it would be nice if they were forever, but I never count on anything beyond the present. It does sound a bit fatalistic and shallow, I agree. But it has helped me learn to make the most of any situation given to me -- the single life, included.
cdn guy | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/5/2008 3:19:43 PM | with all due respect guy, its not hard to put a monnicker on anything, just tough to keep it there when the going gets tough. or as tolkien said dont let someone promise to walk with me in the dark who has never seen the night, it might well break my heart | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/6/2008 3:23:37 PM | I have no interest in dating or having a series of short term relationships rather than
" be single." Nor do I believe there is a "the one" out there. I think there are many wonderful men out there who would make a good potential mate for me. Having said this I am happy being single and if I never have a long term relationship for the rest of my life I know I will have a good and happy life. It may not be what I want but I will still be happy. My happiness does not depend on having a significant other. My happiness depends on my having a good rich life with or without having a life partner. My preference is to be in a good marriage. But I wont let not having that preference realized get in my way of being happy.  | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/6/2008 3:44:25 PM | | I'm happy with life - I feel that my glass is half full. If I were to remarry again, he'd have to be the right man, for the right reasons, and at the right time. I view marriage as enhancing my life, not "making" it. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/6/2008 4:56:13 PM | I'm perfectly happy being single as well, OP. The social programming I had as a child to "have a husband by the age of 30" or I would end up that creepy cat lady no longer computes...(cough) so I'm 50 now and have 82 cats. So, what of it!?!?
I'm proud of myself for being able to enjoy my own company year after year without having to depend on anyone for my happiness because you know what? You should never give anyone power enough to make you feel that your existence is only counted if you're part of a couple.
My own friends have confided in me that they're envious of my freedom to do as I please without having to ask "permission" as well as not having to deal with the in-laws from hell. ack! I can't even imagine.
It's different for everyone, though. Some people long for their "soulmate" and that's fine if that's what they're looking for. I'm not, plain and simple. I have no time for a relationship as I'm feverishly casing the paper inserts daily for what cat litter may be on sale...
Put it this way. I'm happier being single than having to occupy my brain cells thinking about what a man wants, needs, loves, hates, or collects. Call me "narcisstic" if you will but I prefer the term "astute observational intelligence" after seeing what's out there to choose from.
Sans | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/6/2008 7:15:19 PM | "I think answers to this question have a lot to do with peoples' past experiences with a partner/marriage/long term relationship."
I do not agree. I am the product of a happy marriage that ended when I became widowed. Years later, I am enjoying my single life far too much to committ to marriage again. At my age, I don't need to create a family unit to feel complete. Let's be honest, at our age chances of finding someone who will compliment our lives is slim to not, so I am only too glad that isn't what I am looking for. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/6/2008 7:26:14 PM | I am all I need, just not all I want. IF a relationship were to happen, I get to participate in setting the parameters and be 1/2 of an active, enjoyable relationship that has 2 sides combined. Otherwise, yeah,,Iwill stay single the rest of my life.
By choice. My choice. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/6/2008 7:28:52 PM |
I'm proud of myself for being able to enjoy my own company year after year without having to depend on anyone for my happiness because you know what? You should never give anyone power enough to make you feel that your existence is only counted if you're part of a couple.
...Oh man I wish I knew then what I know now...I really thought I needed him to be happy....gawd, I was so young, so in love.....and incredibly naive. It's taken me fifty plus years to realize I am the one responsible for my own happiness....or not.
...maeflowers | |
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| acceptance of being single for life
Posted: 11/6/2008 7:50:09 PM | | I view acceptance as peace with my life, no matter the circumstances. I have been single most of my life, not because I expected to be, I just was having such a great time living that I didn't take the time. I accept that it is what it is. If I spend my time becoming a lovable person, I find great happiness. If I remain single for the rest of my life or choose a partner and make a committment, neither will determine my contentment, that will always be an inside job. My life has been about making choices and accepting the consequences of my actions. I spend little time bemoaning fate. This is my humble opinion. | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/6/2008 8:05:48 PM | "I am the one responsible for my own happiness....or not.".........................and I choose to be happy...................not just happy but thrilled to be alive, and doing everything I could possible want to do......................YES!
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| acceptance of being single for life
Posted: 11/6/2008 8:37:12 PM | .
There’s no problem with being single. There must not be because I’ve been that way most of my adult life. And, happy about it, too! 
And, as some know, I’ve been kicking around here for a few years, clearly admitting that I was perfectly happy as a single guy -- a guy who never really wanted to partake in the dating scene but kept all options open, nonetheless.
Is there someone out there for everyone? Maybe. But I was never too sure about that and so just coasted along, but with eyes wide open.
Then one day everything changed. I noticed a profile of a single, retired woman all the way across the state and just knew that I’d better pay attention. And I was exactly correct. As things happened, we both had the same impression of the other at the same time. How’s that for luck, eh?
And, wow. How quickly things can change!
Oh sure, I’m still a single guy, sort of. But, also quite committed.
Point is, if this can happen to me, after all these years, I now think it can happen to anyone.
Those who are out there beating the bushes looking for a mate all the time look like players to me. On the other hand, we shouldn’t give up, either. Rather, we should remain open and available for the right person, while always observant and thoughtful enough that we notice the right person from everyone else who may also be nice but just not quite the right one.
So, alright, I’ll admit it: I just happened to be paying attention at the right time and got lucky because she was interested in me, too. It happens.
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| acceptance of being single for life
Posted: 11/6/2008 8:55:09 PM |
Those who are out there beating the bushes looking for a mate all the time look like players to me. On the other hand, we shouldn’t give up, either. Rather, we should remain open and available for the right person, while always observant and thoughtful enough that we notice the right person from everyone else who may also be nice but just not quite the right one.
That's pretty much the track I'm taking.
So, alright, I’ll admit it: I just happened to be paying attention at the right time and got lucky because she was interested in me, too. It happens.
I am SO DAMN GLAD to hear that, guy! Sometimes your best bet IS to sit still and let the butterfly land on you, instead of flailing around trying to catch one! Best wishes to you both!
Cindy O | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/6/2008 10:31:34 PM |
My question is: You are over 45, and at this age, it seems more difficult than ever to find 'the one.'
I noticed that several people used the phrase "the one." I believe in A one rather than The one, meaning that there's more than one right person out there with whom you can spend your life.
While many here are happy to date around indefinitely, I'm one of those who would prefer a long-term, in-depth relationship because that's what I had before. I like the involvement, intimacy and dedication of commitment. If I can't find that, I intend to keep my life full, busy and rewarding without it. So, in answer to the questions, I have both a preference and an acceptance! | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/6/2008 11:25:12 PM | | I'll not only be fine with being single for the rest of my life, but I actually don't foresee getting married again. I do love men though and hope to have a couple of relationships up until my time here is over. If I do find a LTR, I won't run, but I'm not seeking that. What would bother me is thinking I'd never ever dating, flirting or spending time with the opposite sex... | |
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| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/7/2008 9:45:38 AM | | good question- debated by to death with my girlfriends and guy friends- personally, at this age the issue is that I won't compromise myself or try to be something different to hold a guy. In reality I would love a longterm no holds relationship but would never never get married again. So yes- have decided that I will date and if it happens happens but if not will get old on my own with my friends. | |
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| acceptance of being single for life
Posted: 11/7/2008 3:02:22 PM |
"So, alright, I’ll admit it: I just happened to be paying attention at the right time and got lucky because she was interested in me, too. It happens. "
How very lucky this gal is that he was paying attention! I wasn't activly looking for anything and happened to get the best of everything...How lucky can one person get!!
I'm sure finding out!! | |
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| acceptance of being single for life
Posted: 11/7/2008 3:35:13 PM | I was married most of my life. I was married at age 18 divorced at age 31, married again at age 33 divorced at age 47. The one thing I have learned since I have been single is that I LOVE IT Free to be me... Now I realize I just picked the wrong men for me, they were jealous control freaks and most of the problems was with me,
( I am a free spirit ). Now if I could find that right person I might consider it again, BUT, I really love my life right now. I have a great job, going to school, and finally finding out what is really important in life without all the hassle of worring if I might be stepping on my partners ego. I do hope all of you that want to find that special person find them, no body should be lonely. Single is nothing to be ashamed of, why are we worrying about acceptance of being single, do we need to accept the fact that we are married for life Good Luck All | |
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| acceptance of being single for life
Posted: 11/7/2008 3:45:25 PM | i thought answer #51 was very insightful. and a toast to #67 +#72. that's just so cool that you found each other! :)
i think that even if you're going to be involved with someone in a serious way, you have to ultimately be comfortable with NOT having any of that. otherwise you're making your happiness contingent upon another person and that is doomed to fail eventually.
so yes i'm perfectly happy with being single, yet open to the possibility of that changing at some point :) | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 75 | |
| Over 45 and happy to stay single for the rest of your life?
Posted: 11/7/2008 6:28:27 PM | I think answers to this question have a lot to do with peoples' past experiences with a partner/marriage/long term relationship. If you've been in a long term relationship that was unhappy and even miserable, it's more likely that the prospect of staying on your own for the rest of your life is a pleasant prospect: to have your own life, to make your own decisions, freedom, etc.
I agree with Ismene, being in somewhat the same situation -- never being married, that is. I do not at all believe in being with someone -- anyone -- just to avoid the prospect of being "alone". At the same time, though, I'm finally at the point in my life where I can say I would definitely like to be in a relationship. It might be dating; it might be FWB in which both of us are in total agreement about the parameters; it might even be the beginning of a LTR. Who knows?
Now, would that relationship (whatever it might be) last for the rest of our mutual days? Maybe, and maybe not -- I'm pretty happy to keep focused upon the present rather than projecting too far into a future over which we have no control! However, it's a bit dangerous (I think, anyway) to declare TOO much about "I don't need anyone. I love being alone!" We all need other people, in some way or another. In the words of John Donne, "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main".
So, be happy with one's self; yet, remain open to positive changes. | |
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