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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 9:46:33 AM | | Its sad but it is true. many that have been wounded in the relationship department. Haven't you noticed? :kidding: Takes time to regroup and go out there again. I could only express the things in my situation and in my past. I do not regret the past relationships that did not work out. I have met a few women that did not have their door to their heart wide open, just a little until they feel comfortable to open it up wider. And that is OK. Boundaries are important and respecting someones boundaries is caring for someones feelings. No one wants hurt in their life. We are all on guard after trials in our life. We all have had it in one form or another. Feelings I have learned might just be that, just a feeling. But you have to respect that feeling even if you feel to yourself that "why would they feel that way" Its absurd to think like that. Your being silly! I am not ashamed to say that I have learned a lot from my children actually. If you give your heart. You will find people will open up in their own time. Also there are people out there that will take advantage of you and to be protective of one self is a human trait and its a natural defense. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 10:18:58 AM |
Granted, I’ve been hurt along the way, but I feel far more alive knowing I gave it my best shot, instead of going home after and beating my head in self pity because I blew it again.
Thank you, OP. I 've wondered about some of the posters I see on this board, especially the older ones, that seem so afraid and insecure. I've been hurt along the way .. we all have. But I don't bury my head in the sand or cry myself to sleep (ok, well maybe a couple of times lol). I keep myself out there, try to learn from the past, and move on. I surround myself with friends, and keep my heart open to loving and being loved. That doesn't mean I don't keep decent boundaries and pay attention to "red flags," but it means I won't be afraid to keep trying. I'll be ok, either way. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 12:35:53 PM | Well I have been stomped on, doodied on, and done dirty by a lot by women. But that does not keep me from wanting to meet a dam good woman. I know everybody wont doodie on me so I just keep hoping for the best. I know I have been wrong with a lot of women in the past. But I always give a woman a second chance to prove herself with me unless it is something really bad she has done. Like steal my wallet off my bedroom chest and cause me hell getting credit cards and drivers licenses replaced. Yep that sure did happen to me. But for the life of me I have never had the second chance to show somebody that I was wrong and willing to do better. It has always been the door 13 for me no second chance ever. That don stop me from wanting to meet a good woman at all. So all I can do is hope for and  happiness to come along some day. I am happy but I could be a whole lot happier though. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 1:24:33 PM | "Have you been watching Oprah again?"
Does anyone seriously think that Oprah is watched by most women. Hello, we are far to busy working!
"Well I have been stomped on, doodied on, and done dirty by a lot by women. But that does not keep me from wanting to meet a dam good woman. "
I have never been stomped on, or bone dirty by men. Why, because I won't allow it.
Maybe time to learn to love yourself, and heal, instead of rushing for the next bad relationship. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 1:41:41 PM | moraima I am healed from the last heart break. I have not rushed into another one either. Heck I cant even get a dinner date much less a relationship....lol lol....
I do love my self and I like me too. I dont watch Okra on T.V. either. I have better things to do instead of watching her make millions of dollars.
For the being stomped on and done dirty deals. Sometimes it happens before you realize the big doodie is coming my way. Then it's to late to run for cover. The doodie is already flying right on me. I would not allow it if I couls see it coming first. I have been in situations where I did see it coming and took cover from the flying doodie and did okay with the situation. I am guilty of causing some of the doodie battles and I know it. But I have never had the opportunity to try to make things better and try again. I always get booted and I expect it to happen again too. At least if it does then at least some woman has finally paid me some attention again.....lol lol lol...
Aint life great.  I am very happy with being single. I could be just as happy married. Heck I would just be happy with a girlfriend who wanted to just share some life and have some fun and good times together. Marriage is not necessary to make or keep me happy. Shute fire a freeneasy girlfriend would make me just as happy. I luves me a good woman in my life. But for the women who dont want me all I can say is but for the one's who do want me then it's Otherwise it is to everybody..... | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 2:58:30 PM | I can only speak from my own experience, or share my perspective on those close to me. When one divorces after a long term relationship where there are kids involved, it is no easy feat to seamlessly transition from one relationship to another. Not only do you bring yourself +emotional bagage into a new relationship, you bring your ex, your ex in-laws (the grandparents, aunts uncles etc...) and your kids (who are most likely emotionally damaged from the divorce; especially if those kids are middle-school aged or teenaged). Things are so complicated that a new relationship becomes problematic. The flip-side of it is: when you have kids, mama-drama, and not much (if any) "free" time, you're probably not going to be very appealing to many potential dates. Those of us who find ourselves in such situations frequently put our personal lives on hold, (possibly for years), until the circumstances are more favorable for attempting a new relationship.
So I don't think it's just a matter of being jaded. Sometimes, the circumstances themselves are a huge barrier to a new relationship.  | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 3:08:13 PM | | MS, you hit the nail on the head. Until my boys get over the damage caused by the ex and the divorce, they aren't even going to know that I date. Which makes dating difficult, to say the least! Thank Goddess for those every other weekends free!!!!!!! All that said, a 'real' relationship is years down the road for me. I just need a playmate until I'm ready..... | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 3:32:20 PM | Free.. all the doodie sounds too much like high maintenance drama to me.
Sorry but I make it clear from the begining with anyone I date that I live in a doodie free zone. You could try that to be sure of being doodie free. If people know you mean what you say, they won't go to the doodie zone. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 4:11:09 PM | I
Funny thing is, after I stopped wallowing and I finally picked my head up and started looking around, not only did I see what I had been missing, but now I see so many others who are walking around staring at the floor.
..Once I took off the rose coloured glasses I was able to see how unhealthy our relationship had become...no one should ever depend on someone else for their happiness, and I thought I needed him in order to be happy.
Yeah, it hurts at times, but I will gladly do it again because I know what the rewards can be also.
I understand what you're saying, sometimes we need to feel the hurt, the pain as well as the love and the laughter in order to grow.
...maeflowers
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 4:20:49 PM | As with many things I think it's a matter of balance.
Totally trusting, right off the bat.......would you really think that wise?
It's fine to be cautious and take the time to let the trust and openness develop, not just hand anyone and everyone a "free pass". I think it speaks to valuing yourself and your time, if it means a lot to you then you just don't hand it out freely.
This also goes with the concept of your heart and your head. Giving total control to either one will lead to different types of disasters. Either you're totally shut off and a hermit or people are lining up to take advantage of you. Neither of those appeals to me.
We have feelings and emotions, learning to express and understand them means we accept and enjoy being human. We also have logic and rational thought and even in romantic relationships, it serves a purpose. If we totally abandon logic, then we'd be likely to accept something that would harm us.
Using your heart and your head has the best chance of producing a better outcome than excluding one or the other. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 4:28:19 PM | | Not afraid....just very, very selective! I have made the first move to talk with someone who seems interesting several times, and will continue to do so in the rare occasion I want to. Someone once called me a Pragmatic Optimist. I thought it was quite perceptive. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 4:38:58 PM | Howdy do moraima. What is high maintenance drama in your opinion?
Well I have tried to make it clear in the beginning to women but they want to throw it back at me that I am putting conditions on the relationship. All I am tring to tell them is I dont want them to just dookie over me and I either have to take it or leave. I dont do the dookie on them if I can help it at all and usually I can help it. I've bent over backwards before trying to make things work but I usually get the short end of the stick. New way of saying doodied on...lol lol
Some where on this planet there has to be a woman who will like me for me and treat me like I want to treat her. The best I know how. And she will accept me for being me like I will her. I usually do that anyway.
Bur for me and my old paint. I guess we will keep on grazing the range until she comes along and seems to want us...If not then I guess it will be home alone until the daisy pushing days come along.....lol lol lol
Have a good day every body and to everybody..... | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 4:48:01 PM | I need to say and make clear that not eaery woman I have dated or been out with did the doodie thing on me. Some times we just didn't have but one or two intersts in each other at the time. We did the interests with each other and went our seperate ways until the interest started to raise up again and here we are again. Just the one's I usually fell for were the one's who would take advantage of it and use it until it died out for them and then they left me high and dry.
I have had women in my life that were very good to me. They just didn't fall in love with me and I didn't them. We are still some what friends. They have finally found their "one" and are married or were the last time I talked to them. So not every woman is guilty of shitting on the ol boy here. Oh my I should have said doodie shouldn't I. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 6:18:32 PM |
It just seems odd that at 45+, so many, men and women are still waiting for someone else to make the first move, or playing tough and basically showing that you will never get to me.
imo,naturally the more baggage the more fear,insecurities,etc which makes for self defeating and rejecting outcomes.
Are we all that jaded? I’m trying to be the change I’d like to see, but sometimes, it’s like pulling teeth.
Pulling teeth?  You took the words right out of my mouth.
Yes, when you find the ones who are in that [transitional state] it's like pulling teeth and best to move on then to in trying to start any dialog. Very sad.
But,there are some brave folks here who can interact without feeling threaten and are very nice to converse with. ~smile~
So, ya gotta keep trying to fish where the fish who are truly free,
and you can extend the olive branch in hand.
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 6:44:27 PM | So, ya gotta keep trying to fish where the fish who are truly free,
and you can extend the olive branch in hand.
^^^aww do I have too? I'm just to tired to play...lol. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 6:56:02 PM | "Howdy do moraima. What is high maintenance drama in your opinion?
Well I have tried to make it clear in the beginning to women but they want to throw it back at me that I am putting conditions on the relationship."
That is playing a part in a drama. Being afraid to say what you mean and mean what you say. Allow it, and you will end up with Doodie. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 8:06:32 PM | | Usually when a person dont speak up and say what they mean or want to get across they usually consider the consequences to be a doodie job on them. I have been in both positions and I know about the doodie falling feelings. I have been afraid to clearly say what I want because the woman just told me that she dont get into doing what I am thinking about and wanting her to do. Later on they would tell me well "I didn't say I wouldn't do it for you". I said "I didn't like to do it is all I meant". but I never told you I wouldn't do it for you. (blow job) And it has been the same way with women not saying what they mean or want from me. I cant read a woman's mind and if she want something I am not doing then she needs to tell me. They do finally tell me later on that "I was afraid I would make you mad at me and you would drop me". All this communication come after no more seing each other and I find out from some other dude she does a great blow job. A real pisser. Now the females have told me later they wanted me to bang their butt hole. How the hell was I suppose to know all that. They never spoke up and told me so I would know where I really was coming up on the short end of the hokey pokey stick with them. I let it be known anymore what I would love to have my woman to do with me. If she dont like it then it is just not right. It is the same with the woman. If I dont want to get into what she wants then it is still not right. So there comes the problems and boom goes the door and it is all over with. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 9:45:58 PM | I don't play tough, I'm not afraid of letting someone in. Some have guarded their hearts so intensely, that no one will ever get in again, due to divorce, bad relationships, hurt, etc. They all have their reasons. Friends in the past gave me hell about wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm 45, this isn't high school or game playing time. If I wanted to play games, I'd go back in time to my teens or elementary school.
I don't know, maybe I too should of closed up many years ago to protect myself from getting hurt. But hell, that isn't living in my opinion. Take me as I am inside and out heart and all. Don't get me wrong, I sure didn't put myself out there to get hurt.
Once you have crossed over to the "other side" and shut yourself completely off from ever loving, feeling or caring or the combination thereof, what's the point? Work, eat, sleep, emptiness. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/27/2008 10:49:45 PM | | I'm not afraid. I've been burned more than once but I heal pretty nicely! The problem is that I can't seem to find a volunteer for the next wildfire... My search has gone from local to State, to Nation-wide, and soon to go Global. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 5:45:35 AM | Moraima, sometimes saying what you mean and meaning what you say are classic defense mechanisms. The best defense is a good offense type of thing. I’m not saying you implied that, just an observation I have noticed in the past.
My opinion on “dootie” is, it helps the flowers grow when you know how to use it wisely. If you can’t figure out how to compost it, you will always be mired in it.
Very well put “Just Jim” There really are some brave folks out there and it is true joy to be around them. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 6:32:49 AM | Friends in the past gave me hell about wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm 45, this isn't high school or game playing time. If I wanted to play games, I'd go back in time to my teens or elementary school.
I don't know, maybe I too should of closed up many years ago to protect myself from getting hurt. But hell, that isn't living in my opinion. Take me as I am inside and out heart and all. Don't get me wrong, I sure didn't put myself out there to get hurt.
Once you have crossed over to the "other side" and shut yourself completely off from ever loving, feeling or caring or the combination thereof, what's the point? Work, eat, sleep, emptiness.
Agree. I know what I want most out of this life and I can't get it by being closed off or afraid.
And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make (h/t John) | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 7:23:18 AM | I don't think it's "jaded" to be cautious about who you let into your world, not at all. We have all met and trusted people who were liars, thieves, cheats. etc; many who are very good at their craft and fool the best of us. There is little defense again a good liar, we all know. Being cautious applies even more so if you have children who will be in the mix.
Being cautious is not jaded in any way. It's the ones who AREN'T cautious that worry me LOL. Tells me they haven't grown up or learned anything in the way of discernment (scary).
As far as waiting for the other person to make the first move, I personally wait for the man to do so because this is how I was raised, and have found through experience that Mom was right. Chasing men only gives them the wrong idea (at least here in the Midwest). Yes, men here still believe that a woman who makes the first move is less than a lady and will treat you accordingly - even in the year 2008 when we are supposed to be so "enlightened"
Men, for the most part, are still in the 50's when it comes to that here, even the well-educated ones. Sad but true. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 7:43:38 AM | I don't think Jaded is the word here...i consider myself evolved...and afraid to let people in...nope just selective indeed...
i have grown past believing words and now wait for the body language to verify intent...is amazing how the mouth can flap but when you wait for the body language to verify it never happens...i have learned to call the human on there flappin traps is all...don't tell me it's rainin and pizz on my leg , is all...roar. cuz when folks do that...they simply give me the reason to walk the h3ll away. jaded nope...wating for realiztic people to say what they mean and mean what they say.  | |
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