| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 4:18:35 PM | OP: I agree that I'm a lot more cautious nowadays in entering into a long term relationship simply because I've made my life comfortable enough just to suit one person (which is me) and am extremely set in my ways. At our age, some of us have a higher set of standards that simply no one can meet, and that's the way we've unconsciously set it up...at least I can admit that I'm guilty of doing just that. Every guy I've dated in the past several years I've practically broken my neck to find a flaw in him and lo' and behold..I have!!
Welp, I've been re-evaluating myself lately and realize it really wasn't them. It was simply the fact that I wasn't willing to share my lifestyle with anyone that showed the slightest bit of interest in me for a long term relationship...I'm much too comfortable with who I am and where I've landed in life. Yeah, yeah..we've all been hurt, yada yada but once you let that crap go and are truly able to move on with your life without comparing everyone you meet to your "ex", then you'll find yourself opening up on a whole new level to possibly the best thing that ever came your way..and knowing me, I can't believe I even typed that statement!!
Okay, okay..FINE!! I'm just looking for a daddy for my 82 cats...., who isn't?!?!? Guess I'm busted, eh? lol
Sans | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 6:49:15 PM |
^^^aww do I have too? I'm just to tired to play...lol.
Nope, you don't have to do anything if too tired to play. ~smile~
Yet truth be told you only get what you give.
Wheather it be at work, about life, or love.
Now go out and play and remember to come in when street lights come on. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 6:54:26 PM | Ankkka - THAT answer RIGHT there is the reason I'm cautious.
You spend time getting to know someone, investing, doing the work, and then months later you find out you should have been a jerk on her and hired a detective first? This is why I tend to dump sites like this as well...it just gets frustrating. I do better living a normal life, going places I like to go, and doing things I enjoy doing. It's no slower than emailing a pretty face in order to meet people, and normally there's a few folks around that know the woman and what she is about, even in a strange town. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 7:27:30 PM |
So no worries about your sweet bullie.... she actually knows a thing or 500 about getting love and giving it.
Dang, I still don't need my toes.
We're gonna get stepped on. That's the price we pay for extending ourselves. No way around it and if playing safe were the only option we'd be long gone by now.
And yet we're not stoopid either.... *we* know to be cautious, careful, observant and proactive. If things don't feel right, act on that, don't stay passive. If things feel good, take that "sit-stay" stance and milk it for all it's worth. lol
The problem, as bullie sees it, is that *some* are just too angry still to allow the love in.
They won't take responsibility for their own actions and are still blaming because it's easier than tackling their own issues.
These Forums are a prime example of the most screwed up people out there.... we see it over and over again.... the anger, the bitterness, the issues blaring at us from our c0mputer screen like a nasty virus..... and yet *they're* HERE. And one can only hope that at some point they're gonna read something that will set the wheels in motion and allow enough healing to be worthy of opening their heart again.
*Or they'll just sit there eating all the Halloween candy they bought early, because it was on sale, even though they promised themselves they wouldn't open the bag, completely oblivious to the possibilities that await them ..... chomping down, feeding their fat bellies instead of their psyche.
Remember this: It's much easier to lose baggage than fat at our age. LMAO | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 8:09:56 PM |
*Or they'll just sit there eating all the Halloween candy they bought early, because it was on sale, even though they promised themselves they wouldn't open the bag, completely oblivious to the possibilities that await them ..... chomping down, feeding their fat bellies instead of their psyche.
Remember this: It's much easier to lose baggage than fat at our age. LMAO
...* She slowly places the half eaten chocolate bar on the table beside her *
...maeflowers | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 8:15:30 PM | | PS Seriously I think this is one reason why we are afraid to let people in........ Too many people are critical and want perfection. And yet how can we feel secure with someone like that? As we age and we all are going to get there............we become less perfect...........I want someone who will love me in my imperfections as I will love him in his...........And when I grab that candy bar, he will laugh instead of lecture me about fat............ | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 8:24:55 PM | @jim...Yet truth be told you only get what you give.
Wheather it be at work, about life, or love.
^^^ so true i always say, "you only get what you put in."
come in when the street lights go on?.....where i am they come on at 5 pm....lol and i do go out an play...no worries. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 8:34:47 PM | Friendlylady I would gladly grab for the same candy bar with you. Heck I heard that for days on end with my ex. "I'm telling you-you are going to really get fat from all that candy you keep eating". But it was ok for her to drink beer and no problems from me. Yeah right...lol lol....
I would gladly share my candy bar with you. Heck we would keep the candy compaines in business. You cant beat a good candy bar. Chocolate UMM UMM UMM it's good. I like most any kind of candy.
Oh ladies!!!! I am a candy maker and is it good. I have people who like my candy so much they call to make sure I am bringing it to our family dinners durring the holidays. They even fight over it. Literally. I mean almost pass licks. They get very verbal about it too. My aunt will steal candy packets I have made for other relatiaves. The last Christmas dinner she did just that. If you turn your back on it and leave it by your table sitting she will get it and hide it in with hers. That is really a pizzer for me too. There is no reason for that. What would you ladies and gents call that kind of stuff. Me. I call it childish. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 8:39:03 PM | | ok, I'll bite. If I was under 30, I couldn't understand what you were talking about. Now, nearly 60 with four major relationships under my belt, two of which were drastically bad (and similar), I've become EXTREMELY cautious. Those two bad relationships sucked the soul out of me. I believe that both of those partners were Personality Disordered. I have self doubts in my ability to discern "magic" from "mental" and I know that I don't have enough left in my emotional bank account to survive another PD'ed relationship. These are very special, wonderful and trickster relationships that can turn on you in a breath. I don't feel that I'm jaded. It's a question of emotional self-survival. I've been shot and I'm gunshy. I am very careful. Unfortunately, I see red flags everywhere, possibly even where they don't exist. Sad, isn't it? | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 8:44:56 PM | | Free, I have a co worker who makes home made chocolate covered cashews........and we attack her the minute she brings them in.............. Nothing beats homemade candy! | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 9:25:43 PM | Friendly I bet they are very good. Simple to do. I will have to try that. Dip in chocolate, let it set, and eat it. Great idea thanks Friendly.
My family fight over my candy. I get so mad at them but it is funny. The one Aunt will actually steal candy packest I gave to other family members.
I love candy and when I am making it I eat candy till I can hardly see straight. UMM UMM UMM it's good Friendly.
I meant what I told you about sharing with you. See we do have something in common. CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!! UM UMM UMM I love that stuff.....   | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 9:34:21 PM | ok, I'll bite. If I was under 30, I couldn't understand what you were talking about. Now, nearly 60 with four major relationships under my belt, two of which were drastically bad (and similar), I've become EXTREMELY cautious. Those two bad relationships sucked the soul out of me. I believe that both of those partners were Personality Disordered. I have self doubts in my ability to discern "magic" from "mental" and I know that I don't have enough left in my emotional bank account to survive another PD'ed relationship. These are very special, wonderful and trickster relationships that can turn on you in a breath. I don't feel that I'm jaded. It's a question of emotional self-survival. I've been shot and I'm gunshy. I am very careful. Unfortunately, I see red flags everywhere, possibly even where they don't exist. Sad, isn't it?
That is sad lil...I was that way for a long time too. I missed lots of great women by being that way. Believe me i am not that way now. I regret being that way but fear will do it to you every time. I have learned to forgive and forget and let things go. A person cant just keep hurt boiling inside of them. Let it go and dont be afraid and life might be a lot better. Not saying it is not good now but life is a lot better for me since I stopped seeing red flags with the least little thing that comes up now. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/28/2008 10:05:59 PM | not everyone is "afraid". some prefer the single life. some have healthy barriers to dysfunction. some are seeking to enrich themselves in partnership and are willing to know who they are, put themselves out there, suffer through the rejections and keep on doing the plowing.
i plow. but it gets tiring and sometimes what i learn from this process is not very positive about where a lot of people are at, let alone their views about me. often the most critical of others , are the ones who have done the least on themselves.
whether to actively seek partnership is each person's individual choice. but, when i start getting judged, particularly in light of being one heck of a trooper, i get "pissed". that is the most draining of all, after that just boredom or frustration or emptiness from lack of being able to lock both mind and heart with the right person. he is one who i can communicate easily with and not with great difficulty or defensiveness.
so, it comes down to the right fit. luckily, i learned to plow through all the ____ in the business world, so when it ceases to be work, and when it is "mutual" and "natural", i will heave my sigh of relief and i will know when i have found him. throughout the process of life, i have taken many risks and educated guesses w/o sufficient education! i've learned from many mistakes and thus far, have never been destitute or unsafe. maybe just lonely.
i've led such a full life and i do "want" a partner to share it with. however, i was an only child, started my own firm, an independent thinker type and never one to not speak her mind, even if my thoughts were unpopular.
however, i have friends who were always so surrounded by people and their needs, that they prefer the silence and time for themselves. many have never followed their personal dreams and see now as their opportunity to do so.
and then there are the people you describe. my ex SO, finally let me in, and then he retreated into a corner and made me feel three feet tall. my experience from all that is to be careful to listen to what another person says they want and NOT what i want for him--irrespective of how right i am or how well intentioned! this is not a way to live.
so, yes, one must be willing to do the work. some say they want a partner, but are not willing and just want peace. i just wish i could understand that in the beginning, so as not to take up too much space in my heart and time from my quest. it's all about the learning, i guess. just wish i could learn "all" there is to know-- and go onto some other stuff. a good relationship can be very empowering and/or very nurturing. this will be the kind that stems from true partnership-- which for me, is the part of the equation that i now seek. equations must be balanced on both sides. there are many kinds of equations.
yes, others need more independence. but, i have always been independent and so my quest is the reverse: not codependence, but clearly interdependence. again, with only the right fit. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 6:35:10 AM | Im not afraid to let someone in, just gotta find someone that wants to be in as much as I do. And Im not afraid to make the first move. I don't look at the past, it is done and over with and there is nothing I can do to change what happened.  | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 7:53:04 AM | | By this point our hearing may be going, our hair falling out, our teeth full of cavities, our tallywackers no longer working, and our hoohaas drying up. But the one thing we can still do with deadly efficiency is to be cruel to each other. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:31:33 AM | For me, after a long marriage ended..I built a wall around my heart..
It's almost impenatrable now after 7 yrs..It wil take a special woman to warm my heart, gain my trust and be my best friend | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:50:48 AM | We are all products of our experiences, good AND bad, right?
If you like who you have grown to be thru all the joys & sorrows of life........why would you be afraid of further experiences (the 'bad' ones) that only, in the long run, shape you into a wiser & more complete being?
I say bring on the crazy times, only in triumph (in love) or torment (in pain) do we feel really alive.......the rest of the time we spend slogging thru the mud of the mundane.
On my deathbed, I know I would much rather be thinking "God, I really loved that crazy woman!" than I would be "Well, at least my heart remained safe for the last 40 years.".
Find a way to really love yourself & you will realize couldn't possibly 'lose' anything important to another, you can only gain from them.....  | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 11:05:58 AM | First of all.......we definitely do learn from experiences. I don't think I am AFRAID to let people in, I am just like some of the other members, I am VERY cautious. I have been in three bad relationships and it makes to a little leery. I also agree that we do have higher standards when we are older and that probably hurts us in a way because we have a low tolerance for things. I have a Bumper Sticker on my MySpace that says..... I am not a b***h, I just have a low b***s**t tolerance........LOL That is me. There are certain things that I have had to deal with in past relationships that I refuse to deal with now. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so, but it makes you less tolerant and that isn't always a good thing.
All in all I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone, but you must first be happy with yourself before you can possibly be happy with anyone else.
G | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 11:37:06 AM | | Because the vicious, negative ones, by the time they reach our age, have well-honed skills in being "nasty", and we're tired of getting hurt for no good reason! | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 1:07:59 PM | I have to agree with the last few posts about the "wall around the ol heart" and the "tolerance" deal. Both are wreckers of any relationship two people can try to build. "Been there done that " kind of deal for me. I had a mile high wall around me and my whole world. It ruined lots of good possibilities for me. I assume they would have been good. I dont know because that killed the chances of ever knowing the answer to that one.
I have learned to like myself and actually I love me. I am happy with me and that means a lot just talking to people. If you dont love your own self then how can you expect some body else to love you. It is impossible becaue "you" the person wont let them love you. Being bitter about he past just makes you miserable and the new person miserable too. Both of you are afraid to do or say something because it drags up something from past relationships and here comes the fight. I cant blame any body but me for being that way. It was me that was still letting the past control me.
I learnd to forgive and live. That is the best medicine I can offer anybody that is still wrapped up in past hurts. I live in past hurts for several years and then I finally learned about forgiving and living. Life is 100% better after I finally forgave women of the past for breaking my heart. Both of the ex wives and the anuller too. I can look at a new woman with a clear head and mind and does it make a big difference. Even though they usually shoot me down that past heart ache and grudge is gone.
If you have not forgave the people of the past then a person needs to do that. You have to just say a little prayer and then simply forgive the people and let it go. You really dont have to say the prayer unless you want to but asking god for forgiveness and then to forgive the people of the past and you forgiving them will make an instant life change for you.
But you have to mean it in your heart. It will work and improve your life very much. No barriers, no walls, no gurdges, no past vendettas, and then just live for happiness. It worked for me. I am sure it will work for other people too. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 3:03:17 PM | "prime example of the most screwed up people out there.... we see it over and over again.... the anger, the bitterness, the issues blaring at us from our c0mputer screen "
So true, and so boring to run into over and over both here and in the real life datingland.
I don't think people are afraid to let people in, I think most of them are too smart to get invovled in the drama. | |
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