| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 3:48:19 PM | So what good does that wall around your heart do for you now? I’ll show them! Nobody is ever going to get to me again! And? So, what’s the point then of being over 45, on a dating site and looking for the love of your life?
Never mind the forgiveness of those who have hurt you, what about forgiving yourself for your roll in past relationships! It’s so easy to just finger point, they did this and that! The question to ask is, what went wrong in my past relationships and what did I do? Why did I pick the people whom I picked? Was there a pattern, what was my role? Those should be the question to ask! Not how can I pick someone better next time while I remain protected.
This was the point I was trying to make, why are we so afraid to look at what roll we have played? Look at me; look at what they did to me! Self pity is such a nasty and unattractive quality; you can’t hide it behind anger. The never ending finger pointing, that’s the part that’s drama!
As so many have said, you get what you give, you will never know what you have to give until you know who you are, and you will never know who you are until you open up and give it away. Who ever said there was a guarantee? | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 4:24:15 PM | You've said a mouthfull again atsomepoint..... much too wise for the common poster... and you're only 47!
I might even repeat it for impact for those who seem deaf, dumb and blind to these simple facts:
1. You get what you give.
2. You will never know what you have to give, until you know who you are.
3. You'll never know who you are, until you open up and give it away.
4. Who ever said there was a guarantee?
Risking emotionally really......rarely kills you....honest  .
But living without even trying.....surely does make you one of the walking dead. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 4:26:13 PM | I did ask for forgiveness for the ways I had been in the past. You know when you are pointing that one finger at somebody there is always three pointing back at you. So I quit the finger pointing when I asked for forgiveness and then for gave the people who had hurt me in the past. Life is great since I got that load off conscience and mind. Life is very good for me now. I could not find all the women who had hurt me but I did find the main two.
For the last few years there have been no walls around me, no grudges of anykind, no vendettas, no hard feelings of any kind, and no use for anger. Life has been great since I asked for forgiveness and gave it to. I dont want any more drama as you call it or anything of the sort. I just want happiness whether it is living alone for the rest of my life or with a great female partner. I had rather have the female partner but I cant make it happen. I can keep asking until the sky turns green and the grass turns blue if it takes it. But that still dont mean I will find some body and there will be no grudges or hard feelings because of it. I went to Cala Balanca tonight by myself as usual and enjoyed it very much. I would of loved to of had a female with me but it just didnt happen again. So I will keep living happy and hopefully a wonderful woman will come along for me. But until then I plan on living each day as it is my last and living life to the fullest alone or with a great woman. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 4:37:14 PM | Beginning to think that serenitycw (msg #68) and I are twins separated at birth.
Thanks for stating my thoughts so clearly and eloquently. The check's in the mail ;-) | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 5:22:11 PM | | The lesson I learned was that I was too needy, so I would accept people into my life that really weren't right for me and tried to change them into people that were. The harder lesson was that I wasn't doing them any favors either, they had a right to find someone that loved them just the way they were. So, a lot of my lessons have led back to being OK with who I am alone and not desperately needing to be coupled up. That pretty much explains why I am OK waiting and don't rush into things. I'd like to be in a good relationship again someday, but I don't need that in my life to be happy. I have good friends and family and I can take joy in my life with or without a special man in it. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 5:36:45 PM | | Jaded? Hmmm. Maybe. It's the act of becoming jaded that closes the gate to the heart and protects the soul. Not completely jaded. Yet. Perhaps that's the problem. Too many in the act of becoming jaded. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 5:42:53 PM | atsomepoint said:
As so many have said, you get what you give, you will never know what you have to give until you know who you are, and you will never know who you are until you open up and give it away. Who ever said there was a guarantee (sorry, not good at the quote thingy)
My previous post just above was in direct answer to the opening post. Now I've read more and wanted to specifically respond to this.
Some people give so much that one may become weary, but that may be all they know: how to give of themselves. Unfortunately there (may) come a point when that giving gets used up. It doesn't mean they won't give more, but at some point in time the extent that is given lessens. Especially if there is little or no return. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 6:53:07 PM |
The question to ask is, what went wrong in my past relationships and what did I do? Why did I pick the people whom I picked? Was there a pattern, what was my role? Those should be the question to ask!
You SO get it, atsomepoint! This is the talk of a either a really healthy individual or a good bullshitter, not sure where you stand on that, but the point is that if *we* don't take responsibility for our own actions and reactions, then we're doomed to repeat insanity.
What's the definition of insanity? "Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different end result."
*We* have to look at our part in the equation, forgive ourselves, learn the lesson and MOVE ON! Moving on with lessons learned and knowing that you're going to have to subject yourself to vulnerability and being hurt again is what love is all about! It's what GROWING is all about.....
There are a lot that aren't willing to pay that price again. So instead they hide, protect, project falsities and never let the love enter their hearts again. "Screw THAT, no one's gonna hurt ME again!"
Well hello "Master Duh"..... then I guess you'll never feel the ecstasy of love again either..... 
But don't confuse taking time off to learn lessons and regain self again, as someone who is hiding. Too many refuse to take the needed time in between relationships to get yourself ready for the next person you'll come across. And trust me, if someone starts to "time you" and tells you that you're ready before you feel it's time..... pass that sucker by as fast as you can. Because this is about YOUR agenda.... not anyone else's. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 7:49:17 PM | People can bet their bullies that I have a clear mind and could enter into a new relationship right now. The bitter ness and anger and all that goes with it are gone. I leaned to let all of that go a long time ago. I also learned not to compare a new lady frined to any one of the past. They are totally different people and just because they say something that rings a bell from the past. Dont make them an enemy from the past. It only makes a statement from them and it most likely has nothing to do with you or how things could go. It might just so mean that the reason they mentioned it to you is because it happened to them and they dont want that again from "ME" or "you" or "anybody else". So, dont make snap judgements and cause a huge fight over something that is suppoes to tell you something that they hope that they dont get from you. And you never intended to do them that certain way ever. Because that was the way you were treaed and you dont want it from them either. Been there on that one and stuck my foot right in my mouth big time. Did she get up and leave me sitting there. Yep she dure did. Stupid me I was still learning to listen and keep my mouth shut.....I think I finally learned to keep my mouth shut and listsen...I sure hope so anyway.   | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 8:10:28 PM | This was the point I was trying to make, why are we so afraid to look at what roll we have played? Look at me; look at what they did to me! Self pity is such a nasty and unattractive quality; you can’t hide it behind anger. The never ending finger pointing, that’s the part that’s drama!
...self pity and anger is unattactive yes, but it's also part of the healing process....much like going through the various cyles when someone we care about passes on...we need to feel each emotion and deal with....that's healthy.
btw....great thread...very insightful.
...maeflowers | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 8:15:01 PM | Going through the cycle is the only way to the other side, it's just not healthy to get stuck or to try to start with someone new before we work out most of our own issues. If we don't at some point take responsibility for the way previous relationships have turned out, we're likely to just keep experiencing the same problems all over again because we are still playing the game of poor little victim. oh, I was soooo good at that game once *lol*
I just don't choose to play anymore. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 8:24:45 PM | ...I know what you're saying....I am one person that would not be able to just jump into another relationship.....after the break-up of my first marriage, the wounds were open and raw for a very long time....sure I was left with some scars ....but they have faded over time and are now hardly noticeble at all.
...maeflowers | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 9:37:21 PM | I feel very good about myself right now folks. It sure does feel good to feel better Angel. I am totally baggage free from any relationship and feel great about it. I only want good and happy times from now with who ever will eventually take up with me.
Hopefully I have lots of very good years left that I can pass by with a wonderful woman and live happily ever after just like the fairy tales do!!!!!!!!! lol lol lol   | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/29/2008 9:51:02 PM | "Never mind the forgiveness of those who have hurt you, what about forgiving yourself for your roll in past relationships! "
Hello! Do do widowed people from good marriage figure into the above. Hello.............We don't! Get over it. We don't!
We live in a different world. We aren't afraid of people. .................... Some people might be afraid of us.....................? | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/30/2008 12:15:24 AM | | With as good as you look moraima what man in his right mind would be afraid of you simply because you are a widow? Maybe a "black widow" might scare me but not a widow like you. A spider widow not a person black widow... | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/30/2008 5:14:52 AM | I started this thread because I wanted to see who among us have worked some of this out for our selves. There is a never ending litany of finger pointing and blaming, but very little real affirmation, so I figured I would shake the bushes and see who came out. I’ve been pleasantly surprised and want to thank all who have commented.
I totally agree, it’s a process, a never ending process. The one thing I have really learned to do is put that little pause in between my feelings and my reactions. I constantly ask myself, what is my motive and what am I afraid of? Sometimes it only takes a few seconds now as opposed to days! hehe
We’re all terminally unique, we all have our own story and the masks that we hide behind, but, in the end we all bleed the same. I hid for years behind the mask of an independent tough guy that needing no one. Come to find out, I was a whiney little needy b!tch with little self worth. I wasted years wanting someone to tell me I was ok, of course no one ever could, I couldn’t hear or believe them. That was an inside job and I’m not done with it yet, I just keep peeling layers of the onion.
Moriama, I have gotten over myself, I came down off the cross and used the wood for a bridge quite a few years ago. I had never suggested that you do anything; you joined this thread all on your own.
I know what some of my up coming challenges will be, and I know there will be a lot that I won’t even expect, and you know what, I look forward to it now. I feel like a little kid going to the circus for the first time, full of fear, wonder and awe. What could this all be if I just open my eyes?
Thanks again | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/30/2008 8:46:48 AM | | its not all that complicated really. if we keep people at a distance emotionally we can not get hurt by them. yes we live with the dull pain of being alone which we get used to, but we dont risk the truama and drama of failed relationship. thats why so many of us develop ways to keep people close, but not too close. now anyone who looks at that with an objective eye can see that its borderline insane. keeping yourself in perpetual look mode or alone mode , when both produce their own anxiety, is just a bit nuts. but to some its safer and therefore saner. jimmy had song called "love in a library" years ago where he talks about a fantasy sort of love that is safe and temporarily satisfying (kinda walter mitty meets love story) . but the key line is "you can read all you want into this rendevouz, but its safer than most things that lovers can do". my op as an observer. the old parrothead | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/30/2008 11:26:59 AM |
Why are we still so affraid to let people in? ... Are we all that jaded? ... {orig. post}
I don't think that it's always that people are jaded. But folks do tend to retain knee-jerk instincts from difficult events in their pasts. And being the age that we are, and posting on a singles site, it's not a reach to think that many of us have had serious relationships in the past that didn't work out like we'd hoped. And to use an analogy that seems to fit, once you've burned your hand on a stove element, you don't necessarily stop from using the stove (or fearing it?) but you do tend to check if the burner is on before you get your hand near it again. And so too are people (in my opinion) about baring themselves emotionally to another person. It doesn't mean that it won't happen, but it does explain why there is more hesitancy than should be expected. And as long as all parties understand this, there really shouldn't be a problem.
cdn guy | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/30/2008 1:12:54 PM | I've been acused of being bitter and angry about my ex wives by a person that I have sent an email to from this thread. I want every body to know there is no bitterness or anger towards either one of the two of them. The first has been remarried for about 10 years now. The second on has been living with a dude for about 3 years now and they are suppose to be getting married to each other. I dont want either one of them back ever. I am free from them and does it feel great. The anuller well she was "mentally slow" or "special" and I really cared for her. But, she didn't want it she decided and that has been that. I'm not bitter at her in any way. I feel blessed to be away from her.
If any boyd can find bitterness in me please do. But I dont think you will find it. Not even because I cant seem to even get a dinner date, buy some woman's luch as a good will jesture, or anything like that. I am very happy and live very well. I dont need any of the groups that meet or any alanon deals like that. I worked my bitterness out in church. There is none of any kind towards anybody at all. At the present time I dont think I have but one enemy. That is my new daughter in law who is mad at me because I refuse to support her and my son because neither one of them wants to work and support their own selves. Now, if there is any bitterness it would have to be from her. They just will not try to work and support their own selves. I have spent over 5,000. on them since May 23, 2008. They seem to think that ol dad will just take care of them and let them live freely on me and happy ever after. That is the only problem in my life at the prestent time. I am not bitter at them. I just refuse to support them and nothing wrong with either one of them to keep them from working and supporting their own selves. They are making no effort to do that in any way at all......
If any body can find bitterness by simply reading then you need to talk to me and hear my voice and know there is not bitterness at all that I hold towards any body. Not even the worhtless son and daughter in law. I still love them and always will love my son regardless. I have a lot to be happy about. I am alive, doing very well, have my own home recording studio set up, play music, and love life.....I want this person who sent me the crazy email to find that bitterness. I sure cant find it anywhere...lol lol..... | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/30/2008 1:16:04 PM | keep in mind too that people are attracted a lot of times to what they are or what they think they want at the time. so your positive vibes would throw off anyone not into the positive. also if you have been on your own for a while some people would be turned off and wonder why. the fact that anywone would willingly choose to stay alone till they are ready is hard for some folks to fathom.  | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/30/2008 2:30:53 PM | | Thass OK parrothead, cuz we're not lookin' for negative people that don't fathom us anyway. Yeah, I understand what you're saying-some people seem to think there's something wrong w/ya if ya don't NEED to be in a relationship. I think by wanting w/out needing we greatly increase our odds of finding one that works-and I'll take all the help with that I can get *lol* | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/30/2008 2:34:39 PM |
These Forums are a prime example of the most screwed up people out there.... we see it over and over again.... the anger, the bitterness, the issues blaring at us from our c0mputer screen like a nasty virus..... and yet *they're* HERE. And one can only hope that at some point they're gonna read something that will set the wheels in motion and allow enough healing to be worthy of opening their heart again.
There's the guts of the matter...there are people here that are hurt in what ever way, they're likely here to get some help, some answers, or not...finding out which is which and when to invest or listen to criticism can be tough, so it's not all positive and negative vibes necessarily...it's about how people see things to begin with, all things. (I think)
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 10/31/2008 6:09:45 PM | OP, excellent question, as always.
Bullie,
Ah but see........... you've DONE the work OP. There are so many that haven't, and by the time we get into the depths of something we think is real with someone, only to find out they HAVEN'T, we're ensconced and have to go through the shit again.
You hit the nail on the head with this one. The thing I struggle with is not letting those still damaged people drag me back to a place where I would rather stick a needle in my eye than revisit again. I think for those people who have not done the work, there shoud be some kind of sign or marking. Since we know that won't ever happen, do you think they will ever realize how selfish they are being and how much damage they do in general? The "Good guy" act is easy to fake and hard to believe any more. | |
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