| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/8/2008 11:14:20 PM | | uh..cause we got hammered the last go around. When you have a relationship of 14 years, never fight, don't keep secrets, no affairs, and you get screwed in court and she takes your life savings, your kids, darn near your life, uh I don't know why anyone would be reluctant to trust again, do you? | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/9/2008 5:28:33 AM | | Agree lookingltr. When you have been handed a raw deal, it will make you reluctant to try again. We are afraid that history will repeat itself. We tend to keep our hearts under lock and key. I have a best friend who had an abusive first marriage and her second husband cheated on her. After divorce, she remained single for a long time and then met someone who was perfect for her and they are now married and very happy. That is our hope also, to find that someone special who will love us and that we can trust. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/9/2008 6:25:13 AM | I think you are talking about yourself! Other people don't necessarily do the things you do. Be careful not to assume that everyone has the same struggles you do!
Judith | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/9/2008 6:25:42 AM |
to find someone special who will love us and that we can trust.
All of the replies are valid points as we all wish to have the same things in life with a partner.
Now here on POF it's up to you to figure out which ones are still under construction,
who is inbetween A&B in life, who is still in transistional state,the list goes on and on in finding that special one who is open and free to give and recieve their self and emotions with another.
I can see the fustration in trying to look for a date here as with so many road blocks and detours. I wish I could make it all easier for all of you but can't cuz the human condition is very complex.
The fora is a fun place for many to rest their weary souls at a distance and the most difitcult part is trying to bring them out of the cold.
Tis best to let them thaw out on their own cuz all the heat you can generate can't fix a broken heart and spirit when it comes to leting you in. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/9/2008 6:50:59 AM | | Well said, JustJim. I am learning a lot here and very glad to have all of you sharing your wisdom. I feel the warmth from these interactions and I do believe it will help me "thaw". | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/9/2008 1:38:36 PM | | Well said Jim. I am all thawed out and have been for several years now. Sometimes I think I might be to thawed out. lol lol lol.....I have learned to look to the future and not the past. The past will only wake up some old past cuts and here comes the trouble. Onve an old wound is reopened it takes it twice as long to heal as does a fresh cut. So the past is the past and it can stay the past. Today and tomorrow holds what I am looking for. A new life and a new way to go for me. Yesterday is too late for today. It's already gone so it's today and then tomorrow........ | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/9/2008 2:22:29 PM | I am open and not afraid to let others in but they are afraid of my independent thinking. Guess they see me as the type of guy that is not easily fooled or played and a non conformist.
The impression I got from this place is that people have put themselves in a coccoon with unrealistic expectations which worked for them when they were much younger. Hate to say it but this is just like the job market you are marketable when young but once past 40 companies tend to pass you by. You may think you have all the requirements, skills, education and whatever else it takes to do the job but the hiring process eliminates you anyway. So the options are; keep on looking, settles for a lesser job, stay unemploed or start your own business. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/9/2008 11:24:58 PM | | Very well said! I enjoy my own company and have great expectations of being with Mr. Right someday. Picky... yes....realistic ...yes. And I have alot of love to give Mr Right, just not every Tom,****and Harry in the world. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/10/2008 7:58:20 AM |
So the options are;keeping looking,settles for a lesser job,stay unemployed or start your own business.
Funny stuff, yet after 40 your experiences in the business world would carry much weight in getting you in the door from the unexperience personal.
Now in the business of dating and match making is a whole diferent set of circumstances as the job is much more refined, as to see who is really here; is open
to accept one as we all think naturally we are all suited said job.
When I hear the old story here in that about not settling for anything less thats ok, and to think other wise is foolish,but when it's used cuz they are behind the wall or under construction then the table is already set,the die is cast, in a no go even before you start. A lot of these folks are in the White Knight syndrome and dream when they were in their teens and 20 something.
The the bar is set too high and all the kings men aren't going to put 'Humpy Dumpy back together again' and when I did date here many moons ago in why they go poof into the night and never seen or heard from again.
Have fun! | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/10/2008 8:06:44 AM | Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issueson the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lapand said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however,and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin think so | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/10/2008 9:01:49 AM | Of course, the reality is that the moat around the castle served as an open sewer and likely the pond was where it drained into. What with the society being agricultural, animal husbandry would have pretty well fouled the land within a considerable distance of the castle as well. Any frogs you encountered, even if they were enchanted princes, would have been pretty stupid to be hanging in that pond, so probably neither worth kissing nor eating......
Of course, I am always delighted to see women rejecting the idea of acting as the female part of a reproductive couple. After all, we males mate for the purpose of ensuring our eternal life through the act of procreation, for which we still do need a willing female. Selfish and self centered as it is, its the one thing that really justifies having a "relationship" with a woman. All of the other aspects can be satisfied through more or less casual interactions of one sort or another. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/10/2008 9:10:02 AM | Hate to say it but this is just like the job market you are marketable when young but once past 40 companies tend to pass you by. You may think you have all the requirements, skills, education and whatever else it takes to do the job but the hiring process eliminates you anyway. So the options are; keep on looking, settles for a lesser job
I don't actually agree with this analogy, that looking for a partner or mate in life is the same as a job market, but I will address this anyway because the analogy doesn't work in any case: I have gotten the best jobs of my life, and each new job I get is better than the last, since I was 50. The analogy is flawed. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/10/2008 9:16:27 AM | I disagree. Evolution also instilled this pairing drive that ensures safety, emotional and otherwise. If paired people live longer and so enforce and reinforce the family tribe then there is an evolutionary prompt to look for long-term relationships. BUT, what about this? If by observing do we change, and therefore is all this psychobabble false? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpSqrb3VK3c
I'm gonna picture fiddle. Certain pics get me better response, and so far better response from the forum crowd mostly by people I have already written off as bitter or full of themselves or shallow. Explain the preference for eye candy by evolutionary means... go figure. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/10/2008 9:54:32 AM |
Explain the preference for eye candy by evolutionary means..
Lol. Don't fret too much, Cindy, you aren't quite a hershey kiss yet; with that rapier wit, you've just added a spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down.  | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/10/2008 10:03:18 AM | | I know. I think too much. Occupational hazard, or emotionally crippled? But then, it's out there, all my flaws, no surprises. Even the too hot pic with the sitting all day out of patience grimace. Oscar the Grouch. Perhaps it's my form of protection for fear of letting men close. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/10/2008 10:49:18 AM | Hell no you think ...just right! It's just some of those particularly nasty frogs Cindy dear.....now don't forget your moniker, give the kevlar a brush and your helmut a polish  !
See... even Whytwater knows there's more to life than a bang for your buck  . Some get it and some don't... just like kids . | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/10/2008 1:46:02 PM | The funniest thing has happened to me.
This post SCREAMS my SO. Not once, but THREE times over the last 2 years he has run from our relationship for exactly this reason. Get SO close, and then instead of stick it out and realize that once you deal with allowing the walls down, knowing the intimacy and closeness are so worth it, well, anyway. HE REALISED IT!!! I am really amazed.
We had the most wonderful conversation since we met, about our relationship, walls, fears, feelings, also he admitted that he did not want to make me pay for things other women have done to him in his past. Just to see that he finally understood that he was not allowing us to move forward blew my mind. I had given up, because I could not get through to him prior to this. Missing me really did it to him, so I guess SPACE can serve its' purpose. Seeing him "a mess" over fear of losing me really got to me. The feeling is indescribable. I have TRIED fruitlessly to explain this to him, in several ways, at different times but he could only see it as "bashing" .
I am smiling! :) | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/10/2008 2:56:13 PM |
I have TRIED fruitlessly to explain this to him, in several ways, at different times but he could only see it as "bashing" .
Sorry for your bad luck as when you meet someone and poofff there gone.
Weird stuff out there.
There alot of this that is going around and when you find out they are;
AKA' emotionally gun shy' and unaware to you until it's too late.
You done all the right things yet this maladay is subconious imo in nature ,
I think they don't they know when if it's even going to happen until it's too late imo.
imo tis best to take it slow if you want to devolpe a relationship just in case one decides to jump ship in mid stream!
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/12/2008 4:27:39 PM | We are afraid to let people in because the others we have let in have driven a dagger through that heart of trust and love that we held open to them. It is our most precious offering we can give to any one that come into our lives. The fear is that we do not think we could survive the next wound just might be fatal. There fore when we are approached severl thoughts run through the processing grid in our mind like OK what does this one want from me? what do you really want? I wonder if you dumped your ex? how many are on the sidelines with this one? Are you just lonely and need some one to keep you company till who you think you are looking for comes along?...........
..............
............. after so many experiences you get calloused and are unable to let any one in any more the callous needs to be removed | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/12/2008 9:51:00 PM | And we are very aware of our flaws. Do those flaws make us unloveable? Or will we discover that we are indeed unloveable?
For each of us posting a reply, there is a reason why we are afraid. And the emotional pain we may face is the fear we have. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 11/13/2008 11:16:57 AM | to wonder-that was funny!
since I can only speak from personal experience and what I read here..-well, my own life was busy with my children till they moved back with their dad...I really didn't want to date - so I am out of practice. Too, it is a buyer's market and I need a major tune-up so that takes some time and effort - both to do the work and accept that I qualify for the concourse d'elegance--but not for a few months.
And, from reading the forums this past month (it has become addictive) WOW lots of very hurt, angry and egotistical people out there-so maybe they aren't really ready to cast out their lines...and I can barely put a toe in the water .
Like the Dr Doolittle Pushme-Pullyu- I read the profiles and think -- What a nice person...interesting....etc. then..how could they have written something so bitter and vitrolic in the forums...then I realize...the forum is closer to who they are - without the sales pitch- so it makes me feel like profiles are literally just the tip of the iceberg and maybe Nessie is lying beneath.
m. | |
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