| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/15/2009 8:31:07 PM | | No one wants to get hurt and if you have been hurt before, you think it most certainly will happen again. I'm not afraid of pain. (haaaa) ahem. You don't know something unless you are willing to give it a try. I agree with you that I feel so much more ALIVE ---giving it my best shot, than just watching everything around me just roll right along...I want action, emotions, laughing, crying--whatever it takes----YES- we all want what will hurt us the most. Great post. Thanks. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/16/2009 7:24:41 PM | Yes, yes I love this love story of emotions!
Sans, if your were a guy you would have bzlls!
..umm..er..was that a compliment?!?! If so, then thank you.
What ever it takes and hopefully your man's wife will be as strong as a tiger too.
No need to carry it onto another thread with a totally different topic, dude. Trust me, I feel bad enough as it is. (Hanging my head in shame now..*sigh*..just shoot me and put me out of my misery...lol)
I'm quirky as he!! and my boss will tell ya so!! (He just told that same thing to me today.)
Wow, I didn't that your boss was,our goverment was promoting this kind of behavior.
You didn't think my boss was what? Hittin' the JD like you seem to be doing with this post, dude? He can't afford to after losing 2.5 million in the last 3 months in the stock market. What's your excuse?
But that's ok kitten as your secret is good with us.
Obviously, it isn't because you posted something personal about me on this thread that I posted on another thread. Uh-huh..someone can't keep a secret, now can they? No wonder no one can tell you anything without you blabbing about it in a thinly veiled way on every other thread but that's okay, babe. Your secret is good with us. I'm back, fully focused and pi$$ed off as usual. Didja' miss me?!?!? LOL
Sans | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/17/2009 5:13:48 PM |
I'm back, fully focused and pi$$ed off as usual. Didja' miss me?!?!? LOL
Well better to be pi$$ed off then pi$$ on on! 
Your secret is good with us.
Sorry I'm didn't mean to let the cat out of the bag as you in your mo. as each post was related to another and found it good for a laugh.
Keep up the good work! | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/18/2009 9:43:41 AM | I don't let people in. Never have.
My door is always locked, and always will be.
This is not figurative, but literal. I always keep my doors locked, and do not answer the door. No one ever gets in my place. Not ever.
And get off my grass! | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/22/2009 11:42:32 AM | well..ya know.. a grape turns to a prune in the end..
if ya get out of the game and just veg..the prune effect happens before ya know it..
I think doing is better than wishing i did..
IHO,
dusty | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/22/2009 11:44:22 AM | Why are we so afraid at this age?
I am not afraid. I am ready and willing. Problem is, I keep opening the door and finding the wrong guy behind it. The right guy just doesn't seem to have my address. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/22/2009 8:31:53 PM | | FEAR: FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. this is what most fear is, in truth. I think what the OP really wanted to ask was: " How come so many mature people have not yet done the personal work necessary to get beyond their irrational fears of closeness and intimacy???" Now, that is a real question. I don't know. Apparantly... it just takes what it takes. I know it took a whole LOT for me! I had to be beat to a pulp over and over before I was ready and willing to really participate in some kind of personal and spiritual growth process. This is how we change this stuff. NOT by keeping our focus on others. To hell with them. Its their problem. Its their responsibility. simple. Once you learn how to accurately recognize this disfunction in others... you are not afraid... you just don't choose to get involved with them. And, you don't care what they think about you, either. Its about reclaiming our personal power. When we have it, we are not afraid and helpless anymore. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/23/2009 1:24:02 PM | | I'm simply waiting to find someone as crass and shallow as me and when I do, which won't be easy, then I will open up and we can have a profoundly shallow and empty relationship. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/23/2009 5:33:10 PM | Atsomepoint,
You Wrote:
Why are we so afraid at this age? I see a lot of posts always saying; why do men do this? Why do women do that? Why do so many of us wait for someone else to show us that it’s safe to take a risk in showing ourselves? Then when we get hurt, we tuck ourselves behind our barriers, throw stones & hope someone will come & beg to let us out of our self imposed pity prison. Why do we expect so much, & then complain because we didn’t get it after we remained so protected from being hurt? Don’t we all want most what will also hurt us the most?
My Response:
I can’t speak for anyone but myself but my fear comes from never having much of a chance to date & develop new relationships. You see I met my ex when I was 15 yrs old. We fell in love, got married and stayed that way for 30 yrs before our divorce 5 yrs ago. I knew being single would be a big challenge for me so I spent 2 yrs after my divorce was final to focus on me. I addressed many issues … like codependency, low self-esteem, and frustration over the failure of my marriage with the help of a very good counselor. Only after I felt I had dealt with those issues successfully did I begin dating. The first 20 yrs of my marriage were wonderful so naturally that’s what I want the most …to have that kind of a relationship again. And, of course that is where the most risk is.
You Wrote:
I guess I have done a bit of work on myself & have come to realize that, if I want something, I will have to make the effort. Granted, I’ve been hurt along the way, but I feel far more alive knowing I gave it my best shot, instead of going home after & beating my head in self pity because I blew it again. It just seems odd that at 45+, so many, men & women are still waiting for someone else to make the first move, or playing tough & basically showing that you will never get to me.
My Response:
I agree with you about making the effort. Nothing is going to happen unless you take that 1st step. That doesn’t mean it’s easy … especially for someone who never had a chance to date when they were younger. I also think that online dating has really changed how a lot of people approach dating. Online dating sites like POF have become very much like a large department store catalog … you might like what you see on page 24 but you are always hoping you see something better on next page. It’s the old “the grass is always greener …” philosophy. I think that is a radical departure from the way things used to be before the emergence of online dating. It simply wasn’t as easy for most people to meet new people.
You Wrote:
Are we all that jaded? I’m trying to be the change I’d like to see, but sometimes, it’s like pulling teeth. 1 year turns to 5, then to 15, & then it’s the, “I wish I would have comments you say to yourself” The curtain is going to come down sooner than you think.
My Response:
Again … I can only speak for myself. Even though the last 10 yrs of my marriage were the most difficult of my life, the good years still overshadow those yrs to eliminate the potential for me becoming jaded. Along with the frustration and disappointment of a failed relationship comes the very good ememories.
Great Topic!
Gary | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/24/2009 9:54:25 AM |
I am not afraid. I am ready and willing. Problem is, I keep opening the door and finding the wrong guy behind it. The right guy just doesn't seem to have my address. So true! I'm not afraid to open the door...I'm just afraid of the torture involved...door too heavy, squeaky hinges, door falling of hinges...I completely digress... | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 1/27/2009 12:10:48 PM |
I am not afraid. I am ready and willing. Problem is, I keep opening the door and finding the wrong guy behind it. The right guy just doesn't seem to have my address.  I vote it the best answer to the question!!! | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 2/15/2009 3:34:52 PM | Sans. I like the story , too.
That's the kind of man to have. I think before my late husband and I were married, I tested him on everything..because of the pain of an earlier relationship. He made me PROUD for 20+ years !
After he died and I finally ventured out.............my luck to run into another a** like my first one I married..only worse.........this one was not only a cheater, but found out later he still had a wife..... Got me really scared and ready to crawl inside myself again......thinking I had been out of circulation too long to know what to watch for. .........I am very trusting, open, honest...........then I met the KEEPER!!
He is some younger, but he is so sweet to me, that I find myself giddy like a young school girl again. I am not fraid at all to let him see all of me.........good, bad, the in between.
It feels great to open up again and be given the same as you are giving!!
Even if this don't last, I refuse to be afraid to let someone in again. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 2/15/2009 4:17:53 PM | I'm not afraid, just not the right time I suppose to let someone in when I'm getting to pack up and move OUT. I imagine I'll be here another year or so. I'm also too busy "nit picking" as last I knew, grapes were the fruit that turned into raisins?
well..ya know.. a grape turns to a prune in the end. The end with the toilet paper, to be sure | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 2/17/2009 7:40:26 AM | | I can only speak from my own experience but having been hurt to the point I had decided not ever to date again a couple of yrs ago, when I decided could no longer stand to be alone I am absolutely petrified of getting hurt again so the barriers whilst not lowered totally are definately on red alert along with the running shoes to take to the hills for cover if need be. Dispite telling myself I should not judge someone by the way I have been treated in the past it is difficult not to be wary. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 6/1/2009 1:14:35 PM | i'm afraid. but, i 'm doing it anyways. more afraid to die alone and w/o having experienced or at least tried to experience a stable, HONEST, caring, loving relationship with all the burdens-- but minus the baggage, deceipt and ill treatment by someone who does not care, or is afraid to let people in, or is too self absorbed or addicted to "whatver" to let someone in.
i just put one foot in front of the other, try to keep a balance. recently fortunate to have someone who talks and thinks similarly thus far. emotional risk and vulnerablity? you betcha! but, i have pof in the background with great friends and slowly making many more real life friends, including "him". they all have my "back". the potential gain has to be greater than what you have or are settling for now. if not, you won't do it. you also need to trust in the universe, it's lessons and it's demands for you to serve, as well as take. timing is like juggling balls. sometimes, if not the right orchestration, they will drop to the ground. need to allow the universe to orchestrate as to which balls will be up in the air and the timing and motion of the dance. otherwise, you just bounce along by yourself. to some, that is preferable. not to me. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 7/24/2009 10:25:22 AM | | Well, this is a problem, isn't it? Walls and barriers impede a relationship. Just open up and see what happens. Most likely you've already been hurt. What's one more time. But, since you're on this site, you probably haven't had that 'thing' you're looking for. Go ahead - take a chance - and don't worry about 'being hurt' - just make sure you've got friends nearby. If it doesn't work out you've saved some time - if it does then you've probably made a friend for life. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 8/30/2009 10:37:21 AM | I have thought about this topic so much even before joining POF but I still haven't reached any conclusions - still working on it. I am afraid to let people in - I am afraid to make the first contact - the good thing for myself is the fact that I'm still here. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/9/2009 7:54:27 AM |
FEAR: FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. this is what most fear is, in truth. I think what the OP really wanted to ask was: " How come so many mature people have not yet done the personal work necessary to get beyond their irrational fears of closeness and intimacy???" Now, that is a real question. I don't know. Apparantly... it just takes what it takes. I know it took a whole LOT for me! I had to be beat to a pulp over and over before I was ready and willing to really participate in some kind of personal and spiritual growth process. This is how we change this stuff. NOT by keeping our focus on others. To hell with them. Its their problem. Its their responsibility. simple. Once you learn how to accurately recognize this disfunction in others... you are not afraid... you just don't choose to get involved with them. And, you don't care what they think about you, either. Its about reclaiming our personal power. When we have it, we are not afraid and helpless anymore.
Exactly, Pinebreeze. You hit it straight on the head. We have to claim our personal power.
It is not often that we find another person that recognizes and claims their own power, so more than likely to have a relationship, one that has, may have to be with a person that has not come to that realization. I am not saying settle, because a person that has come into their own power knows exactly what they are getting into with a person that hasn't and has made an assessment and commitment. Commitment to responsibility is what personal power is all about.
You are never going to change that most people these days are in fear, so if you are waiting for that to change, you aren't going to find a relationship. Find, accept and commit to a person whose fears you can live with. Love them for all they are and maybe you will be the difference in their lives. You will definitely be the difference in your own. That is the key to personal power, acceptance with joy and commitment no matter how hard. The two together equal LOVE.
Any other path and you just LOSE
SS | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/9/2009 8:23:53 AM |
How come so many mature people have not yet done the personal work necessary to get beyond their irrational fears of closeness and intimacy???
Heck.. check MY "matrimonial/relationship" history..
I is trying...
"working on it constantly".. cause I am no quitter..!!
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/9/2009 10:59:04 AM | | Not afraid at all. But you just have to be a little guarded at first, since you don't know this person or what they want from you. When what they want becomes obvious, you can then elect to let them in or not. I just don't want to end up more screwed up and financially f--ked than if I stayed alone. Pain is easy. Financial disaster is harder to recover from. | |
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| Why are we still so affraid to let people in?
Posted: 9/9/2009 11:11:12 AM |
I just don't want to end up more screwed up and financially f--ked than if I stayed alone. Pain is easy. Financial disaster is harder to recover from.
Now there is a man whom has either been married before..
or is dating one of MY ex's.......
I fully understand (and agree with) your post..
and if you are dating one of my ex's..
NO way I'm takin her back..!!!!
---SoldierByte--- | |
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