| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 10/31/2008 4:40:43 PM |
I always say..."out of sight, out of mind". If you are not in this man's circle for awhile, he will get the hint and he will NOT have the opportunity to carry out his antics.
But that's just it Nona... sometimes they don't get the hint. I had an ex call me from another province constantly begging me to quit university to go live with him there. The more firm I was, the more abusive he was. It wasn't until months later, 1000's of phone calls ( 1oo's of logged calls in one night) and visit from the police that he finally realized that I was telling the truth when I told him I wanted no more contact with him. I've had more experiences with this type of drama than I want to think about... and each time my completely cutting them off made them angry and confrontational.
Some people just aren't rational Nona, and sometimes you do need help to keep them away. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 10/31/2008 4:46:43 PM |
I was heading out the door, sicker than a dog and had to cover a meeting for work. Who comes running up to the car, but this fool
He then opened the car door and tried to come in as I was putting the keys in the ignition. Once again, he was telling me that I am making a mistake, that I need to give him a chance cos he is falling in love with me.
Nona, while I understand your point, I think this guy has crossed the line. Despite the OP's repeated refusals, he isn't taking "no" for an answer, telling her she "is making a mistake" by not saying "yes" to him, etc. The time to involve the authorities, is when you are in fear of your personal safety, not after. Whether or not the OP is at that point yet, we don't know. But for it to be concerning her enough to post a thread about it, I'd say she's probably pretty close. JMO.
~ds~ | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 28 | |
| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 10/31/2008 6:11:49 PM | Anyone else want to gang up on me? Wow...I took a beating for that one huh? :)
I do see what you gentlemen as well as lady said. I have to agree that it's definitely borderline psychotic behavior. Maybe it's just the "matter of fact" stance that the state which I live takes with this. This does not mean that the stance that my state which I live is better nor worse, but I do understand that one time does not constitute "stalking". Now a pattern of this same behavior or similar behaviors is definitely grounds for stalking. I feel if the man forcing his way into her vehicle was truly out of bounds, the OP would have called the police immediately as compared to writing about it on a dating site.
I do agree that sometimes males/females alike push the boundaries and sometimes "no" just does not seem to register in people's brain. I do apologize if I sounded condescending of the OP. I by no means was stating that I did not feel she should not worry AND I by no means am excusing a man's behavior by accusing the OP of leading him on. Even if the OP has led this man on, it's still NO grounds for his behavior.
If this is truly a bad incident and only the OP knows this or not. She should contact the police and report the incident immediately. Restraining orders are touchy. It takes someone being afraid for their life in most states to even be granted as such. So far, I do not see that the OP is afraid for her life. She just needs to rearrange her life a little bit by developing a possible avoidance/safety plan. Her friends need to support her in this. :) | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 10/31/2008 6:56:55 PM | mo worries, nona. i did not find your words condescending at all. I appreciate all the advice I am getting here. In fact, everything that is being said here is helping me sort out my thoughts about it more logically.
When he jumped into the passenger seat of my car as I was about to leave for my meeting, I was more pissed off than scared. I am not fearful for my life at all and I really hope it never gets to that point. I am, however, concerned, pissed off and more than a little creeped out by this man.
I haven't gotten to the point of calling the authorities quite yet. I am hoping he will go away by other means. However, since he just moved himself closer...ie. he can see me coming and going from his kitchen window, I am going to be a lot more careful. And as other posters have suggested, removing myself from any event or gathering that he may also be at, may be the best thing to do.
If he confronts me on my property again, I will start with the shouting and then, call the cops.
LOL I have not once led this man on, have never flirted with him, nothing of that sort at all. From the very beginning, I let him know I was not interested. | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 31 | |
| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 10/31/2008 7:19:07 PM | Sweet:
I definitely do understand situations such as this. I have always worked in male dominated fields and I know that all men are not like the man you mentioned in your posting, however, the ones that are make all men look bad at times.
Women quite simply get tired of this behavior of men. I know men deal with psychotic women as well.
I once rejected an american man while living in Asia. He was persistent after awhile until I finally had to get mean and nasty with him. I hated that it came to that point, but I was just so frustrated it was a reaction. I thought it was over. It wasn't. I was walking home one night after being out with my boyfriend who was Asian by the way and lived in the country where I was living. Anyways.....I thinking I was all alone, took a shortcut through a dark alley and I was then confronted by the American guys friends who called me a "chink lover" among many other bigoted things and informed me that if they caught me out alone again, they would chop my body up in pieces and scatter them all over the Army post where I lived.
I was terrified. I reported the incident the next day and the way the Army dealt with this issue was not to get the law involved, but they insured I had orders within a matter of weeks to leave the country. I had to leave not only the place where I lived and go back stateside but I had to leave a man I cared about very much. It was horrible. So with that being said, I do know how women do not have to encourage men for them to behave the way they do. Same goes with women and their behavior toward men who reject them.
Oh....this is putting some humor with stalkers...even though,,,I do know sometimes it's not a laughing matter. I have a friend who had a stalker. The way she would stalk him is that she would break into his house while he was gone and clean his whole house. Then she would leave. If all stalkers were like this, I want one!!!! lol
Good luck with your situation. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 10/31/2008 7:56:23 PM |
I am disassociating myself from that group of friends I think that's your best choice.
From reading your posts, I get the impression that this group of friends really isn't being helpful to you in this situatin.
If they actually were your friends, they'd understand your obvious level of discomfort and wouldn't be inviting the 2 of you to the same gatherings;
and if they really were your friends, someone in the group would be making a point of telling the guy that his actions toward you aren't wecomed. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/1/2008 3:09:39 AM |
How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Well for me trust and honesty works fine for me. And then after being honest with someone who just doesn’t “get it” then that would be their problem not yours. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/1/2008 7:39:22 AM | Sweet J-me Baby:
Buy a 700,000 volt stun-gun. Then contact the local police/sheriff and file a formal complaint, get it all on paper. The police HAVE to (by law) investigate once a complaint and statement is filed. The police will have a "talk" with him and warn him that he is bordering on harassment, inducing fear, and unlawful restraint, which are prosecutable.
After you have followed-up with the police that they have indeed warned and talked to him (they have to document and report everything they do and give you a copy if requested). If he as much as brushes up against you lightly, zap him and hold it on him until he pisses and craps himself, I am a not kidding. This guy has "stalker", "peeper", "serial killer", "rapist" written all over him in bright-red neon.
His "crush" is not cute, harmless or "all in fun". Not if it has gone on this long and continues to occur after repeatly reinforcing that you are not interested. He is in the obsession zone and most definitely has an untreated mental disorder.
Believe me, the only recourse is a full-on defense! He MIGHT get the hint after he loses control of bladder and bowels, if not, he will at least be less apt to come within the distance of your reach and can be arrested for touching you. It is time for the gloves to come off, he invaded your personal space and entered your property (car) without permission or invitation, now he has manipulated your mutual friend in order to be closer to you = sociopath. Take him down. I do not want to read about how you saw him out of your bedroom window standing in the garden masturbating holding a sign that says "I love you". Nor do I wish to read about how they found your dead body with parts missing and then discover your parts in his pillow case so he could "be close to you forever".
This is why we have laws, cops and courts that are very specific with the definition of harassment. I am not just saying this to sound macho or cool. I lost a cousin and a good friend to a murderous sociopath who displayed the same pattern, actions, and history of your "crush". She was a wonderful woman, who was trying to be nice, polite, and inoffensive to her "suitor". 3 months after he moved into the apartment directly across from hers, her body was found in a wooded area about a mile from her church. She had been stabbed over 40 times, raped, raped post-mortem, and her breasts had been removed (he took them as trophies). 'nuf said. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/1/2008 8:01:52 AM | I had a similar problem with a guy . The more I told him to back off. The more he bothered me. I tried to be nice at first. But it did not work. Then I started insulting him.
But that did not work either.
I started dating this someone. And that seemed to do the trick. At least for awhile. Now I just try to avoid him like the plaque. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/1/2008 8:03:58 AM | | Oh........to this day as he rots in prison, he continues to profess his "love" for my cousin to the prison shrink. This happened 21 years ago................she had been his 1st and only victim thank God. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/1/2008 8:24:46 AM | | It sounds like you have tried to break it to him gently and he just has a hard head. Blunt always works for me.... I would tell him...dude, I'm not dating you, get a life, move on. Direct and to the point. If none of that works tell him that if he doesn't stop stalking you then you are going to contact law enforcement and make a complaint which could result in a restraining order. Keep calling in complaints until he gets the point. Carry pepper spray in your car so when he jumps into the car again you can spray him. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/1/2008 8:41:01 AM | What should my next move be?
If the guy is physical touching you and you have told him you don't want anything to do with him file a police report. And take it from there. Whether your story is accurate would come out in a trial if your issue holds that much weight. Seriously, this issue doesn't seem to be a big deal and you seemed to have already done what was reasonable by telling the guy your not interested. If he is not taking heed to what you want then make a complaint. Hopefully you will communicate with this guy as you have to others in the thread. And if I'm not mistaken your thread comes across as abit egocentric like a fan turning down a star. If the guy is so insignificant to you why is it still of any interest. That would be akin to being in a twilight zone. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/1/2008 4:37:56 PM | jeeplover, I'm sorry for your loss.
OP, I second jeeplover. Your stalker has already crossed the boundary where you should involve the authorities. I speak from personal experience. 30 yrs ago I was abducted, raped, beaten and almost murdered. That I got away was a miracle. I waited too long to go to the police out of fear and shame and the men were never arrested. I will forever live with the guilt that I was probably not their only/last victim.
Please be safe. Don't wait. Call the police today. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/2/2008 4:49:20 AM |
Please be safe. Don't wait. Call the police today.
This is no doubt the best line of action insomuch it begins a paper trail. Any type of physical response on your part can and would not help you when trying to deal with his problem. Again you (which I sure you don’t) shouldn’t feel any type of accountability or responsibility for his actions. This is something he will need to deal with later on if he still “doesn’t” get it. Good luck! | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/2/2008 10:05:30 AM | Meh, take martial arts. Hire thugs and call police are just about the same...
Except police dont charge so they arnt going to jump when you say jump.
If you are strong armed tie him to a chair and take a knife to his****..Make him piss himself and hell never be seen by anyone.....ANYONE EVER again.
Woulda offered to come kick his ass but i have no idea where the hell alberta is nor do i think i have cash to fly there....I do kick ass for free.
and take martial arts anyways, its good for ya.
Last but not least to fully answer your question "How do you let a guy down gently...Without punching him" you dont. Take into consideration you already tried to let him down gently. You can also do both, knock him out and catch him before he hits the ground. (dont have to worry about death due to head injuries that way either) | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/3/2008 9:21:08 AM | you (which I sure you don’t) shouldn’t feel any type of accountability or responsibility for his actions.
Absolutely. I did not mean to imply that OP could/should/would feel guilt for being stalked. When I finally went to the police, though, they did make it sound like it was my fault - "what were you wearing?", "why were you there at that hour?", "what did you do to provoke them?" etc. But that was 1977 and charges would have been abduction, rape, assault and a host of other crimes and the only (circumstantial) witness was the guy who picked me up on the back road, bloody and muddy, trying to get home.
Yes, start the paper trail! OP would be able to gather evidence under stalker and possibly electronic stalker laws, he's already assaulted her, forced entry, and there are numerous witnesses.
OP - you can not avoid a stalker by avoiding the people you used to hang out with. By definition a stalker will find you. This one has already refused to take no of any kind. You have only limited physical resistance to a man when you're in the open. You're practically defenseless against someone bigger and stronger in the close quarters of a car. EVERY self-defense expert will tell you to do whatever it takes to not be in a car or other closed quaters with an attacker. That includes screaming "help" "murder" "rape" anything to bring people's attention. Better to apologize later than have your mom have to come identify your body.
Yes, I'm using a bit of scare tactic here. My reading of OP's facts leads me to believe my tactics are warranted - her last post indicates she does not feel a sense of danger where there are red flags everywhere. Your assessment may differ but it doesn't make me wrong.
Peace. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/3/2008 4:00:00 PM | | Well said!!!For me I would be Kind...Gentle...Respectful..Honest...and Sympathetic...Then after being all of these things towards him,he chooses to react negatively, I will not feel guilty as I Know I have done my best to spare his feelings...Im not saying that this would always work....but at least I know I did the right thing the best way I knew how....I would want the person who was letting me down to treat me in the same manner. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/3/2008 4:50:41 PM | Well, while I love the fact that three of my favorite fellas on POF have offered you some really strong words to express yourself, I think perhaps a much more silent yet clearly meaningful message would be to get yourself a nice small, purse size container of mace.
The next time this dude touches you, attempts to touch you, or stop you from leaving?
A good squirt in his eyes will maybe bring the point home more clearly than any words you could choose to use.
While he's writhing in pain on the ground, bend over and say very clearly in his ear -
"I want NOTHING to do with you. EVER. If you even LOOK at me again in the future? I will phone the police and press charges. I hope we're clear now that my NO means NO"
I doubt once you spray him in the eyes with mace, he'll attempt anything further. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/3/2008 5:01:47 PM | I had an experience like yours once in my life and I tried the nice route first. Then I tried the direct route and that did not work. Then, I tried the rude approach followed by the humiliation and that still didnt work. What did work was a rather large male friend of mine going over to his place and telling him to back off, because I was not interested. He eventually got the hint. Had that not worked, it would have been a restraining order.
Good luck. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/3/2008 5:50:09 PM | I don't believe you should have to give up your group of friends due to this one guy. I'm wondering if this ever happens in front of the others? Perhaps a little peer pressure from them when it happens could nip this.
Others have suggested getting physical. I disagree. Never hit unless you are prepared to be hit back. And based on your subject, you don't want to go that route anyway.
If the above help from friends doesn't work, I'd say you may have to get the authorities involved.
Good luck and be safe. | |
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| How do you let a guy down gently..without punching him???
Posted: 11/3/2008 9:12:49 PM | First of all his behavior really has me worried. If he doesn't take a direct no and he continues to harrass you after you have told him no then that is stalking. I am feeling a lot of red flags here and he is a "lot" off as far as I am concerned. I don't know that I would do the public humiliation thing because this could set him off.
This is very scary for me since I have dealt with it before and things did not go well. You really need to take precautions and protect yourself because this type of person will only escalate with the behavior instead of go away. | |
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