| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 1/17/2009 11:02:36 PM | well my perspective on this looks at it in a couple different situations. if i had to choose, yes i would do it again. it is very hard at times, especially now that my son is a teen, and i constantly worry if i'm doing the right thing and am i screwing him up by the choices i make. however, the bond i have with this child is extremely strong and definitely much different than many of his friends bond with their mothers. if there had been another parent, the bond would be different. now, if you are asking would i do it again, meaning would i have a 2nd child as a single mom, no i don't think i have the energy to do it twice. so to go back and do it over again and chose, yes i would have my son again as a single mom. add another child, making me a single mom of two, no thanks, too demanding of my time and energy, one on my own was enough.  | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:49:29 AM |
If I knew I was going to be doing this by myself I would have finished college first, got that great paying job and saved hard core for a few years. I'm one of those mom's who won't do the whole 40hrs a week daycare thing. I believe in raising my own kids, especially the first 3 or 4 years. So I go to school online full time(local community college), work at home full time(farming) and raise my kids full time.
So if I knew I was going to do this single handedly I would have made better choices and been better prepared before I got started. But I'm not against doing it alone otherwise. Just cause I can't find a capable guy that I'm compatible with doesn't mean I don't want kids.
This was an interesting thread. The above post was one of the more intelligent responses, imho. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:33:08 AM | I am fully aware that there are no do-overs in life as are most rational people. Regrets about my choices and the existence of my children is not something I would ever entertain.
Has it been difficult? Yes, absolutely there have been times when it was very hard because I was living on one income and there was no one I could hand off parental duties to.
Would I recommend single parenthood? No, I would not recommend or advocate for someone choosing to become a single parent, regardless of age, education, income level or gender.
Being a parent brings a lot of joy and beauty into my life. There is really nothing better in the world than holding your child in your arms and watching them grow into people who are wonderful additions to humanity and knowing that you have played no small part in all of that.
Children raised by one parent with little or no contact with the other parent feel something that children raised in a two-parent family don't experience......loss. If you love children and want to protect their emotional well-being, you will never CHOOSE to be a single parent.
Neither of my pregnancies were planned, nor did I consider adoption for one second either time. The "fear" of not knowing that my child would be safe with someone other than me kept me from considering that option. If I had made a decision from a place of "love", I would have considered adoption both times in order to give to my children the love of two parents under the same roof (although with the divorce rates, there are no guarantees....). | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:48:16 AM | The "fear" of not knowing that my child would be safe with someone other than me kept me from considering that option. If I had made a decision from a place of "love", I would have considered adoption both times in order to give to my children the love of two parents under the same roof (although with the divorce rates, there are no guarantees....).
I don't think most people expect a 27 year old woman who is self supporting and educated to give up their child for adoption. The quality of life you were able to give isn't that vastly different from a two parent family. The same cannot be said for teens who get pregnant, though, as they haven't even finished their educations and don't have established jobs, or the maturity that an adult woman has, in most cases. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/3/2009 1:19:22 PM |
The quality of life you were able to give isn't that vastly different from a two parent family.
That is true if you are speaking of economics.....but I couldn't give my son a loving relationship with his father and there was a cost to our son for not having that...it was mitigated to the best of my ability and through the love of a good friend but there is no substitution for having two loving parents in a child's daily life.
My daughter is struggling again at the moment with her living arrangements, once again expressing a strong desire (verbally and in action) of her desire to live with me only........sigh. Her preference is to have us both with her at the same time but that is not possible and she understands that (as much as a 4 year old can) so her next best alternative to her is to be with me. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:37:39 PM | That is true if you are speaking of economics.....but I couldn't give my son a loving relationship with his father and there was a cost to our son for not having that...it was mitigated to the best of my ability and through the love of a good friend but there is no substitution for having two loving parents in a child's daily life.
True.
My daughter is struggling again at the moment with her living arrangements, once again expressing a strong desire (verbally and in action) of her desire to live with me only........sigh. Her preference is to have us both with her at the same time but that is not possible and she understands that (as much as a 4 year old can) so her next best alternative to her is to be with me.
Ugh! This breaks my heart!!!! Does she say anything like this to otis? If otis knows about her preference, what does he say about it? Maybe weekends would be enough for him, or every other weekend. or 1 week out of 3....
Or maybe he could figure out where this desire is coming from and make his house more warm and loving. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/3/2009 4:30:14 PM | | FS, she tells me she does but he says no. He tells me she doesn't. All I can do is to encourage her to keep telling her father how she feels about her living arrangements. I have told her that both Mommy and Daddy have to agree in order to change anything for her. He has admitted to me that when she asks for me at times when she is upset with him or at bedtime (usually) he tells her no, but asks her again in the morning if she wants to talk to me. Truthfully, I don't think he wants to see it and so he won't. At some point she will be old enough and her wishes will matter to a judge....patience is a virtue. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/3/2009 6:24:44 PM |
FS, she tells me she does but he says no. He tells me she doesn't. All I can do is to encourage her to keep telling her father how she feels about her living arrangements. I have told her that both Mommy and Daddy have to agree in order to change anything for her. He has admitted to me that when she asks for me at times when she is upset with him or at bedtime (usually) he tells her no, but asks her again in the morning if she wants to talk to me. Truthfully, I don't think he wants to see it and so he won't. At some point she will be old enough and her wishes will matter to a judge....patience is a virtue.
So what do you think the problem is? | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:38:54 PM | I don't think I ever planned to be a "single mom", but my daughters father passed away shortly after she was born.. and there it was. I was 32, had never wanted to be a mother before, and had this tiny little beautiful being who looked at me with fascination and adoration and perfect trust. It was an experience that was like no other. I also had my grief. That was the hardest time.. a new mom who knew nothing about babies, and the loss of my husband and my home (couldn't afford it on my own) ...bittersweet times.
There was no real choice involved though, and with a small child you just cope and adjust and deal with it. But I did know that I didn't want to get involved with someone just to have a male figure in her life. Not fair to anyone. I also knew that she was my priority, and I chose to remain single for most of her early childhood.
I had a couple of relationships since then, but none that solidified to true permanence. I have found that I prefer being the sole parent. I was lucky that my stepfather adored her and provided a fabulous loving and positive male role model for her before he also passed away a few years back. My mom is a gem and has helped me by giving me a night to myself 2 or 3 times a month since my daughter was weaned, and by believing in my ability to be a good mother. They are very close, Nana and her.
However.. being a mom has changed me in ways I can't even begin to describe. Sometimes I think she has given me far more than I have ever given her. I am a FAR better person now... she has made it possible for me to become more mature, more responsible, more resourceful, more confident, more ambitious and the best of all - she has helped me get my sense of play back, the wackiness of children, the spontenaiety, the silliness. She has helped me regain my youthfulness while also nurturing my maturity. All this just by being the one person in my life who depended on me, and whom I accepted unconditionally.
The love and protectiveness and warmth I have experienced being a mom has, honestly been the best experience of my life.
Has it been tough? Hardest thing I ever did... on with only on the job training! Also the most rewarding.
I have to work hard, put myself through College to add to my degree so I could provide for the two of us. I refused to be a welfare mom, it wasn't for me. It was important to me that my daughter see what a woman can do, by herself, that women have strength of their own and have value other than being a partner to a man.
But dedication to my career, and being there to share her life, guide her and be her biggest fan.. and trying to be all things can get really exhausting. I'm just learning now how to refill the well by taking better care of myself.
I think that now, after 10 years I would not want to, or maybe not be able to, share my parenting with someone. We have too tight of a bond - and a pretty solid lifestyle now. It would be a disruption and at 10 I doubt she could accept another man she barely knows as a "father", role model maybe, big brother type, mentor, friend.. maybe, but the days of introducing a "DAD" to her are pretty much over. She will be a young woman soon (ack!) and is already viewing boys and men differently than even a year ago.
Finances are the hardest. Her dad left us almost nothing except her survivors pension and my widows pension which just covers the groceries. We were not prepared. I can't give her as much as I want to, or do as many things as I would like to with her. But we have a warm and comfy place to live, decent clothes, I can afford decent chid care when I am at work, at least one extra- curricular activity or sport per year, sometimes two, healthy food and enough to enjoy an outing once in a while or get a treat.
Do it again? Hell yes! If I knew then what I know now I might even have decided to begin AS a single mom. I just would have planned it better financially and career-wise, and put more thought and effort into providing positive caring male role models for her.
In NO WAY do I consider being a single mom something to be ashamed of, or a hardship. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.. and I learned about real love, unconditional rip your heart out, you only want the best for another person kind of love. I just hope I can be the mother, the foundation, that my daughter needs to be the best she can be and create a great life for herself. All I can do is try to love her and support her and be there for her to the best of my ability.
This Poem, is one I cherish and have on my wall.
It sums up what I think is truth about our role in our child's life.
It keeps me from being too possessive and over-protective.
On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/6/2009 12:37:14 AM | | The most significant experiences of my life were the births of my children. I never considered living a life without being a mother. The most difficult part is that even though I give what I can, I know that learning and experiencing life with the guidance of a female and male perspective would provide my kids the best opportunities. Despite having the foresight to see my 'single mother' status, I would still do everything the same because my children have morals and manners and are happy. We have the support of both my family and our community which has been vital during difficult times. Ideally I would be raising my kids with the help of a partner but even if I never find a man to share in our wonderful life, I will continue to provide unconditional love and every opportunity I can for my children. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/6/2009 11:48:57 PM | | I could never surrender the love that I have for my children. The deadbeat no support from the sperm donors is downright pathetic. My children don't have a daddy and I have to keep on telling them that. That is the reality of our lives. We deserve better. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/6/2009 11:52:23 PM |
I could never surrender the love that I have for my children. The deadbeat no support from the sperm donors is downright pathetic. My children don't have a daddy and I have to keep on telling them that. That is the reality of our lives. We deserve better.
So what happened, why did he leave? | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:48:24 PM | Sperm donor one told me to have an abortion and changed his mind about everything.
My ex husband would not take his meds and was unstable. He could not handle the responsibility of a wife and a family nor did he want us. He would rather be selfish, as his nature is. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:24:19 PM | I doubt posing this question the answers will be very truthful. After all , most of these moms are here looking for the next guy.
Society teaches moms to just say, "yes"
Most of moms who would say "no" will either not post or post a lie. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:50:25 PM | | Opie, before you can understand something, you really do have to live it......I don't expect that you will ever understand the love of a mother for her child (with or without a father in the picture). | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/7/2009 3:31:44 PM | allin, how would know all that I have lived?
Though it is true I have never chose nor had to live the life of a single mother. I think many of those who have, if they were honest, would have chosen to have done it differently or with better father material.
I have seen here and heard plenty of "dead" beat mom stories. Not all women are very maternal. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/7/2009 3:38:22 PM |
I think many of those who have, if they were honest, would have chosen to have done it differently or with better father material.
Who are you to say who is being honest and who is lying though? You ask me how I know all that you have lived.....and yet you presume to know what others feel......
I have seen over the years many single mothers who will readily admit that it would have been preferable to have an involved father in the picture. What you will probably never hear is a mother saying she regrets having her child(ren). One is very different from the other. Many positive people choose not to live in regret but rather make the best of a less than optimal situation.
I have heard and seen many dead beat parent stories ..... not everyone is parent material. Unfortunately, when one realizes that it is usually too late. Many dead beats were once married to the other parent....they are not all single parents from birth of child although it seems that those are the only ones that anyone on this forum makes notice of on a regular basis. For that matter, there is enough evidence on the board and in the real world that many people should never be parents period and some of those parents are married and the child(ren) planned..........
The issue of whether someone is or is not a good parent has nothing to do with marital status...... | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/7/2009 3:55:51 PM | I think many of those who have, if they were honest, would have chosen to have done it differently or with better father material. Who are you to say who is being honest and who is lying though? You ask me how I know all that you have lived.....and yet you presume to know what others feel......
I'm not sure she is saying anyone in particular is being honest or not being honest. She just said she thinks some would have chosen to have done it differently or with better father material. I'll even rephrase it my way,
I would hope some women would have chosen to have done it differently or with better father material. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:06:58 PM |
My ex husband would not take his meds and was unstable. He could not handle the responsibility of a wife and a family nor did he want us. He would rather be selfish, as his nature is.
Honestly, calling someone with a mental illness or something selfish is just plain mean. | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:44:02 PM | MY CHILDREN ARE MY ABSOLUTE BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT-HANDS DOWN!!!
i feel so very sad for my gf's who spent their childbearing years dating and building a career. Now they are 38 and have no children some (in this recession) have even been laid off and have to start their careers again.
I have my fabulous children and they are so much fun; their sports activities, their sleep overs, the fairs and carnivals we go to, spending a sunday walking along the lake or the water park. I have been blessed and I thank my deadbeat, cheating husband for giving me these beautiful children and chalk the marriage up to just one of the several chapters of" this book I'm writing " titled my life. Yahoo I love life and my journey is so much more fun with my sidekicks or viceversa not always sure!! | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:26:46 AM | bosoxfaninwa by you taking a deadbeat abusive man's side over a reapsonsible loving mother shows that you need counselling and have some serious **self esteem issues**
Because, that is NOT normal!!!!! No normal man would throw away his family because he wanted to go on manic highs, depressive lows and abuse the family. The was nothing mean about what I said. You have something wrong with your head. He left a 4 yr old 1 yr old a wife stole all money and doesn't pay support...........................
oh
bosoxfaninwathinks it is okay because of his mental illness~get real and get a psychiatrist for your head honey | |
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| Would Single Moms Do it over Again?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:56:27 AM |
i feel so very sad for my gf's who spent their childbearing years dating and building a career. Now they are 38 and have no children some (in this recession) have even been laid off and have to start their careers again.
I have my fabulous children and they are so much fun; their sports activities, their sleep overs, the fairs and carnivals we go to, spending a sunday walking along the lake or the water park. I have been blessed and I thank my deadbeat, cheating husband for giving me these beautiful children and chalk the marriage up to just one of the several chapters of" this book I'm writing " titled my life. Yahoo I love life and my journey is so much more fun with my sidekicks or viceversa not always sure!
There is no reason why a 38 year old woman cannot have children, unless she has a medical problem. Plenty of women have both careers and children. At least those women can usually support their children without working minimum wage jobs.
bosoxfaninwa by you taking a deadbeat abusive man's side over a reapsonsible loving mother shows that you need counselling and have some serious **self esteem issues**
Because, that is NOT normal!!!!! No normal man would throw away his family because he wanted to go on manic highs, depressive lows and abuse the family. The was nothing mean about what I said. You have something wrong with your head. He left a 4 yr old 1 yr old a wife stole all money and doesn't pay support...........................
oh
bosoxfaninwathinks it is okay because of his mental illness~get real and get a psychiatrist for your head hone
Really? She said all of that? I read her sentence a little differently:
My ex husband would not take his meds and was unstable. He could not handle the responsibility of a wife and a family nor did he want us. He would rather be selfish, as his nature is. Honestly, calling someone with a mental illness or something selfish is just plain mean. | |
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