| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 12:43:19 PM | OP: Wow, nice one. The guy goes out on a limb, trusts you with something that is private and most likely something that he isn't proud of, and you go off on a rant.
This is why, I make it a personal mission in life, never to be really honest with a woman. Somethings as a man, you just gotta keep to yourself. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 12:50:05 PM | ^^^ BRILLIANT!  Then what happens in two years from now when he applies for a job and is refused time and again because he has a criminal record for solicitation and (most likely) indicent exposure ~ that'd go over real well when his wifey finds out then. lmao! | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 12:52:40 PM | Wow, you can get £20 for a hand job ten years ago. That $32.19 at today's exchange. And how long could that take? What is the going rate today? God, I need to reconsider my career choices.
He was nice enough to trust you and tell you. Why not try and return the favor by trusting him?
If this is what you think is a red flag, you can be on the look out for more of them, surely... but everyone does something stupid once in a while. Cut the poor man some slack. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 12:56:04 PM | Call me strange, but I don't think seeing a prostitute is such a big deal - even if you're married - unless it's compulsive, like any addiction.
Prostitutes have sex for money. It means absolutely nothing to them and for most of their patrons as well. IF my partner was so desperate for sex or for variety, I would rather them go to a prostitute than look for an affair. No emotional entanglement; really, no unfaithfulness - he's not making love to her, he's not wooing her. He's getting his rocks off and then has a shower, puts his clothes on and goes home to me, with a clearer head. Hopefully, he'd be able to discuss the urge beforehand so as to rectify the problem before it got to that stage.
As far as the OP's question goes, uhhhh are you serious? I think you should tell him how worried you are about his terrible decision in the height of loneliness and despair 10 years ago. Watch his face twitch as he realises you've condemned him - and don't really love him. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:00:24 PM | 10 years ago and he told you? I just don't see why someone would bring up something like that so far in the past. If it is all true, every last word. Than I say go speak to someone about it or just trust him that it was an isolated incident.
I think that there is something else bothering him. I have never found it necessary to sabotage a relationship with something that happened in my past. This one is a difficult mess.
I would say that he is either trying to sabotage the relationship or is trying to see his boundaries for other stuff. Men just do not come out and say that to a women. It would be like a woman telling a man that 10 years ago she had a gang bang with multiple men.
Those thoughts just do not go away. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:03:37 PM | I really don't see a problem. I suppose if 'you' have a problem with the act, when it was or anything about your boyfriend, I'd advise you resolve that before you tie the knot!
Still.. what's the big deal? | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:08:45 PM |
Men just do not come out and say that to a women. It would be like a woman telling a man that 10 years ago she had a gang bang with multiple men. You forget that the fiance has a criminal record. Last I heard, gang banging men when concentual.. is not a criminal offence.. and chances of it being found out are slim to none unless one chose to disclose it. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:18:09 PM | Would it have made a difference..if he went out with someone he just met...they hit it off..and she gave him a hand job for free......or if there was a videographer there...it would have been a porn video...instead of a criminal offense...just because there is a law...doesn't make it right or wrong...it just means we have to follow it like a lemming... off a cliff.
There could have been much worse things he could have done... | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:19:05 PM |
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill over this?] I'd have to say yes you are. dodgy that happened about 10 years ago thats kinda a long time ago He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable Seems like a no brainer to me *not guilty!!!!*; you must not trust him or men totally for this to cast doubts on your engagement? One night when he was walking home he was approached by a prostitute/hooker (a young law student paying her way through college apparently!) Sounds like some nonsense a stripper would tell ya before she, well does her stripper thing... it's been troubling him for months and effecting his sexual performance So has the chap been flaccid & lame in the sack and then steller after he got this off his chest? If so there is your proof he's not lying. But again it seems like you're kina reaching- if you have a good feeling about him; you know he's your soul mate, well have at it I don’t think this should affect your decision. Good luck to you both.   | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:19:56 PM | Have to Agree with Happily Ever...Maybe - He must care very deeply to have entrusted you with this - so why are you going to let someone like that possibly go? You should be thrilled that he was willing and trusting enough to tell you this type of information. This is a Good Sign - Why are you trying to make it into a Bad One - Unless you Don't Love Him? If you love him as you claim, this should not even be an issue! it was a one time thing - everyone is entitled to a mistake, but he owned up give the guy a break! | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:20:11 PM | 10 years ago and he told you? I just don't see why someone would bring up something like that so far in the past. If it is all true, every last word. Than I say go speak to someone about it or just trust him that it was an isolated incident.
I think that there is something else bothering him. I have never found it necessary to sabotage a relationship with something that happened in my past. This one is a difficult mess.
I would say that he is either trying to sabotage the relationship or is trying to see his boundaries for other stuff. Men just do not come out and say that to a women. It would be like a woman telling a man that 10 years ago she had a gang bang with multiple men.
This is obviously something that's played on his mind and he's obviously worried she'll find out so - obviously - he's telling her before she finds out and concocts her own story.
I don't think he's trying to sabotage the relationship or set boundaries for other stuff, OP. He's telling you about a very sad time in his life and covering his butt in case you find out later. It's no big deal. I'd feel sorry for him, actually. It would have been traumatic to be caught and charged. By the way, you make a big deal out of this, I can guarantee you he'll think twice before he opens up again.
And maybe women do tell their men about gang-bangs. Maybe the men might get turned on. Gee, people, everyone is DIFFERENT, ya know? I'm no gang-banger (lol), but hey...whatever floats your boat (and doesn't hurt anyone in the process)... | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:22:29 PM | | You should definately let it go! Everyone has skeletons in the closet and don't deserve to be condemned for it forever. I wouldn't want someone to discontinue the love they have for me because of a stupid mistake that I made when I was younger. The fact that he told you about it says a lot about him. He didn't have to tell you. There is a great chance that you may not have ever found out, but he chose to tell you anyways. He values your trust. My suggestion is, if you are still having a hard time with it, maybe you two could have therapy sessions together to ease the stress of it. Good luck. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:55:36 PM |
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill over this? I've been with my lovely boyfriend for just over 6 months and we got engaged a couple of weeks ago. We're deeply in love - he's decent, deep and trustworthy and at the age of 51 I feel I've met my soulmate. We're both divorced with kids. At the weekend he decided to confide in me about something dodgy that happened about 10 years ago. He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable. One night when he was walking home he was approached by a prostitute/hooker (a young law student paying her way through college apparently!) and he agreed to pay her £20 for a hand job. They got in a car and parked up, only to be apprehended by the police who had been watching her. So he never got his hand-job and instead ended up in court, was fined and now has a criminal record.
So he made a mistake.
He's told me the incident was totally unpremeditated and that he did it because he was desperate for a bit of human connection because he felt so miserable and unloved at the time. Apparently he's always been faithful when in a relationship and never cheated on his wife. I've felt from the word go that I can trust him and in a way this makes me trust him even more; he didn't have to tell me about this but did so because he felt that if he didn't and I found out it would do irrevocable damage. Also he doesn't want anything hidden between us and has told me it's been troubling him for months and effecting his sexual performance.
He certainly didn't have to tell you - this sort of thing would have dropped off his criminal record by now, and there's no reason for him to think that you would ever reasonably come to learn of it.
He told you anyway. This tells me two things - first of all, he's being up front and honest with you. We both know it's not something we would be looking forward to telling you, but he felt you needed to know, and told you. That's impressive, if you don't mind my saying so...
Secondly, he's being very trusting in telling you this - he obviously thinks a lot about you. Maybe I'm just a 33 year old school boy in comparison to you two, but this chap impresses the hell out of me.
Ultimately it doesn't make me love him less but I keep saying to myself, what sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? Did he do it just the once or was it a habit? Is he telling me because I'm likely to find out about his criminal record later? I do want to marry him and I know this happened a long time ago but I can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind. But the fact that he was prepared to risk losing me (and I know that he adores me) by telling me this makes me appreciate his vulnerability and openness. So should I try to let this go because I love him?
Recongise the honesty and the faith he has shown in you, and have a great marriage - that's my advice...
Martin | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 2:05:35 PM | | Make sure to always use condoms op because he frequented prostitutes in the past and people don't change much. That is high risk sexual activity. I would be willing to bet money he visited a prostitute a heck of a lot more then once and for much more then a handjob. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 2:16:02 PM | Yup, a huge white cap.
Ask yourself this. Would be engaged to this lovely man you love so much and is your soul mate if he had told you this BEFORE you agreed to be his wife?
This was 10 years ago! | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 2:41:44 PM |
what sort of man uses a prostitute, even when it might be understandable because of the circumstances? Did he do it just the once or was it a habit? Is he telling me because I'm likely to find out about his criminal record later? I do want to marry him and I know this happened a long time ago but I can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind.
This is a fascinating scenario and speaks to social exchange theory. Really, what makes the difference of one person pays cash and in return receives sexual benefit, or buys dinner, or drinks and dancing, or dinner and a movie, or a new suit or dress, or a complete makeover or a full spa treatment and receive sexual benefits.
It's fascinating how society views these social exchanges resulting in sexual benefit attaching negative connotations if cash is involved and openly accept the same behavior if the exchange is something that is not monetary, e.g. an exchange of cash and now plastic for sexual services.
Is there really a difference? The outcome is the same? One is legislated against in most parts of the U.S. and regulated in some counties in Nevada. The other is not illegal and is a covert barter. Which is more honest? At least the investment with a prostitute is a "sure thing" whereas one might drop a small fortune for a possible maybe that results in a no deal. One is a sure bet, the other is a gamble.
It certainly makes sense if one wants a guaranteed sexual experience to purchase the service they desire than to pay more and roll the dice hoping for a happy ending.
Essentially, you could have this image with any woman that he took on a date, paid for dinner, dancing, drinks, a movie, etc., and then slept with that woman. The only reason he told you about the incident is because of the legal implications that would eventually come to light. Otherwise, the guy would not have mentioned the experience.
So guys and gals, if you've had a sexual interaction with someone after they have exchanged their personal property to obtain time with you, you have exchanged sex for some benefit. If you think not, then ask yourself, would I have slept with him/her if they had not taken me out to dinner, dancing, drinks, a movie, etc., and just came by for a visit and hang out for a bit? Some might answer yes, the research shows that the former is true far more often than the latter.
For those wish to delve more deeply into this phenomenonA nice article that discusses these sexual economics was publish in 2004 and written by Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs.
Regards,
ACP | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 2:51:26 PM | He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable.
and she did this why?? if he's such an angel and never cheated on her, it makes no sense for her to take his kids so far away from him. he must have done something to piss her off, he's just not telling you what. unless she is a total mental case, then i don't understand why she would have done that. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 2:52:15 PM | This is why, I make it a personal mission in life, never to be really honest with a woman. Somethings as a man, you just gotta keep to yourself.
yes i do the same thing with men, NEVER tell them everything. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 2:54:33 PM | Call me strange, but I don't think seeing a prostitute is such a big deal - even if you're married - unless it's compulsive, like any addiction.
really, you see nothing wrong with seeing a prostitute even if married? umm....ever heard of adultery??? having sex with someone outside your marriage is wrong. why be married if you can't stick to your vows??? that would be infidelity plain and simple. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 3:01:14 PM |
having sex with someone outside your marriage is wrong. why be married if you can't stick to your vows??? that would be infidelity plain and simple
This assumes that all marital vows are equal and require emotional and sexual monogamy.
All marital vows are not the same and some do not include or want sexual fidelity. Emotional fidelity is enough for some marriages and thus, being with a prostitute would not constitute infidelity.
Having sex outside of any relationship is only wrong if the partners had agreed to not have sex outside of the relationship. That does not exclude the possibility that the vows might be mutually renegotiated.
Regards,
ACP | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 3:18:50 PM | really, you see nothing wrong with seeing a prostitute even if married? umm....ever heard of adultery??? having sex with someone outside your marriage is wrong. why be married if you can't stick to your vows??? that would be infidelity plain and simple
Honestly, I don't see prostitution as anything more than masturbation inside another body.
The real issue isn't whether a partner visits a prostitute; it's why.
He had just split from his wife, she'd taken the kids he adored to live 200 miles away and he was feeling almost suicidal and very vulnerable.
and she did this why?? if he's such an angel and never cheated on her, it makes no sense for her to take his kids so far away from him. he must have done something to piss her off, he's just not telling you what. unless she is a total mental case, then i don't understand why she would have done that
Or she may have put her needs before his and their children, eg found a new partner who lived a long way away. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 4:56:37 PM | I have known people with less than desirable pasts. Life is not any easy journey at times. But the person in front of you is the result of their past. They had to have lived through the things they have to become the person they are now.
That is not to say you do not have to consider a person’s past to determine if they are suitable for you. If you can understand how they got from there to here the past will be less of a problem. If you do not see how they outgrew their past it will sit in the back of your mind.
Years ago I was driving downtown and I saw a girl hitchhiking. It just recently turned cold out and I did not think she was dressed for it so I picked her up. When I asked her where she was going she answered a corner that was known as a place to pick up prostitutes. All of a sudden I realized she was properly dressed for the night.
Oh well, who am I to judge, I was going in that direction and it would not bother me to give her a lift. We started talking and after a while I forgot about why she was out for the night. And then she asked me if there is anything she can do for me. I guess I let my guard down (I used to go to a bar on a street where girls would ply their trade and politely would say no thank you) because I had an intense feeling of lust go through me.
Unlike anytime I have had sex with a woman before where I concerned myself with their pleasure this would all be about me. She was pretty and all and we seemed to be able to talk freely with each other, what harm could there be? I would be able to make it one less risk she would have to meet that night.
I told her thank you for the offer but I am crazy about the woman I am seeing now (so I lied, I had no woman in my life at the time). An ex girlfriend told me most of the men she had sex with were more there because of loneliness rather than for sex. What your boyfriend said seems to be confirmed by her words.
Yes she became a prostitute after we broke up and became involved with the wrong guy. I guess because of what happened to my ex girlfriend I am against being a party to that kind of life. Sometimes I wish I did not break it off with her and she did not end up where she did.
Sorry for the long winded post but I thought it might give you some insight on how some of these things happen.
Now the big problem I see is the six months. You are in the romance stage where everything is wonderful with who you are with. I would prefer to think you would hold off to see if the relationship can stand on its own after the excitement wore off. | |
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| My fiance went with a hooker before he met me
Posted: 11/4/2008 5:06:47 PM | If everything he says is honest, you should let it go because he wanted you to know and risked the relationship to be completely honest with you.
That IS something.
Tell me this... what is his motivation for telling you? Don't you get it? He WANTS to be with you and do it right.
You
should
let
it
go............. | |
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