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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 1:27:47 AM | OP, I'm very interested in this thread as I posted myself a couple of days ago because my fiance had admitted to seeing a prostitute before he met me (and I think it may have been more than one). He has a criminal record because he got caught. I've known him less than a year but love him deeply - he's the most wonderful man I've ever met and never done anything to hurt or upset me in the time we've been together.
So I'm in a similar position to you - trying to differentiate the past from the present but struggling. I have decided to stay with him but probably get some conselling to help me through - I feel I can't talk to my friends about it unfortunately. I like Ron9's post - it's beautiful and if you feel as strongly about your girlfriend as I do about my boyfriend, then we must try to do that. I have deep-seated issues of my own - being unable to trust because of what's happened to me in the past, insecurity etc and I'm trying to work on that to help me through this. Good luck to you, she sounds like a very lucky girl to have found you. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 4:22:48 AM | I think something everyone is missing here is STD's. Both of you need to be tested for them. Even if she was working as a high end call girl, many men will NEVER tell the call girl that they are infected, while others may not even know they are.
The HPV Virus is a huge one and can cause cervical cancer in women. Not to mention HIV as well. If you decide after your time spent in therapy and soul serching that you really still want to be with this woman, please, please PLEASE get tested...both of you. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 4:40:05 AM |
There is no excuse for no morals.
First, morals/ethics are quite broad and diverse. Family ethics, work ethics, religious ethics, etc...
In all fairness I will say that the vast majority of this particular thread would agree, having sex for money, is a moral issue, however, speaking from a moral point of view, shame/guilt is one way to show your morals, no morals=no shame/guilt. I believe her pain is her shame therefore her morals are there.
But hey!!! Even god forgives!!!
In your lack of forgiveness it would be fair to say you have no, or little morals.
He isn't asking to make excuses for lack of morals, he isn't even asking if there is a lack of morals, he believes what he believes about it, all he is asking for is a way to heal his anger and be there for her in the end.
And OP, she didn't do this to hurt you, she didn't even know you then? She made a choice (right or wrong) before ever meeting you. As long as she is a good person and not beating children, killing people, stealing and using drugs, just continue to do what you're doing, she deserves to be loved too. Her honesty BEFORE marriage is a HUGE step (someone asked why she waited two yrs to tell you, the important thing is she told you before making that lifetime commitment), trust her, she is what most men advertise they want, HONEST, intelligent, caring, funny... sound familiar?
Before the ignorant surface to defend the comment I made, about their ad's for an honest woman, by saying they didn't ask for a call girl or some lame thing as such, what you ask for is an HONEST woman... | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 5:39:30 AM | | She obviously has no respect for herself if she has been an escort. I don't care what one's background is, there are other ways of making money like others have said plain and simple. Did she tell you her past before or after she had slept with you?? I assume you got to know her, slept with her, then later on she told you. In my eyes she put you at risk of getting an STD. I would not trust her word if this is the case and I would go get tested. She should have told you long before and tbh it takes a cruel person to NOT let you know before hand. Yea if this is something that bothers you, counseling is not needed, this is your inner self letting you know this is a problem and that you need to get out. Most relationships work only for 5-10 years, if that. Is it worth being in this relationship feeling full of hurt over one individual who's past actions you don't agree upon? Like someone else said... when times get rough she will most likely do it again. It is in her past yes, but it is who she is now. Once an escort always an escort, even if you havent done it for years. Your past makes you who you are, remember that. It does sound like you really are into her, and that letting go is something that will be extremely hard and emotional for you. You sound like you have a strong heart and feel more than others. That is a good quality and other women just as good as her, if not better, love those qualities in a man. My advice... Let her go completely. Do not ever talk to her again. I would not even trust her as a friend. Let her know that she should have told you long ago her past and that she put you at risk. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 5:55:32 AM | you make it stop...by making it stop.
There's a reason why you torture yourself with the fact your girl did something about her life, rather than let poverty be an excuse to be a loser. Why do you WANT to feel this pain?
Let it go. Its all in your head. There's something that you let bother you about it. Figure it out, and get it the f$ck over with. Its not like she killed someone to get the money, she just hurt herself. All those guys...what do you care, she treats you well, and there is love. Why does it bother you?
I'm probably sounding harsh here, but I'm trying to get the point across--why do you allow it to bother you so much? Figure that out, deal with it. It is all in your head, so only you can get it out b/c only you put it in there. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 7:02:04 AM | It really depends on intentions. I feel like a big prostitute for selling out my artistic talents for the almighty dollar during the dot com party. Maybe other people don't see it the same way, but it is. The fact is, unless she is addicted to sex for it's own sake, it was a way to make money in this very tricky world. I would not have a problem with it at all if I felt like all it was was a job, nothing more and there was no desire on my partner's part to ever return to that way of making money. I would have a bigger problem if there was substance or alcohol addictions. Addictions are something I won't compete with. The other problem I would have would be STD's, so check that out, if you haven't already.
Count yourself lucky to have met your perfect partner and realize that it's not really what happened in the past, it's what you take from it that's important. I don't understand many posters here who believe anything "bad" in someone's past is a deal breaker. If you're divorced, you're damaged. Whatever. I don't want someone who's been in a hermetically-sealed bubble of inexperience to be my partner. That would be really, really weird. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 10:25:55 AM | Yeah like I said before, I'm kind of a boring guy, not so many experiences, so it's refreshing to hear from those who are more experienced in life's ups and downs. It's getting me grounded about this issue, which is becoming more of a non-issue (as it should) with every passing day. Hearing from other people's perspectives, I do believe that I have it pretty good. I will have a great future home life with her, an excellent sex life (she's actually quite conservative, go figure. I'm more adventurous in terms of positions, frequency etc.) , someone who I can share all of my concerns and dreams with. I'm not stupid or oblivious, but it's safe to say that given how much we have had to work to be together, that nothing in the future can tear us apart.
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 10:40:51 AM | | Ummm wow, first of all why did she wait for so long to come out and tell you the truth, she shouldnt be hiding the truth from you. Second of all, there are lots of jobs that would help her pay for school, so thats no excuse for her to say it was the only way to help her pay for school, because she could of did anything else. 3rd of all if it made her cry herself to sleep at night, than she had no respect for herself, or she wouldnt of done it to begin with. 4th of all the past is the past, and since you werent apart of that part of her life, at least she wasnt doing that sort of thing when she got with you. 5th of all you said you supported her when she told you, but the question is, did you just tell her that to make her happy, or can you honestly get past that she did that kinda thing in her past? 6th of all, now that it has come out in the open, does it make you see her different, do you still love her for who she is, and not for the choices she made in her past, if you can say yes to that, than you can put it behind you, and move on from it, but if not, than you have a problem, and if you wanna make it work, than you'll do whatever it takes to put that part of her life behind you. Also Im sure you figured she had slept with guy(s) before you, as you had been with other girls before her, so would you think any different? she derserves credit for stopping it tho, and not continueing on with it, and hopefully she learned that wasnt the best way to go around about it. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 10:58:08 AM | I don't know the answer to you getting over this. What I do know from what you wrote is she loves you dude. and she wants to do right by you. She respected and loved you enough to tell you her "darkest hour" which might I add takes big balls to put yourself out there like that.
We all have a past dude. I would love to think that the person I am dating/marrying was only with me but I know that is so not true. For me and only me I do not even ask about someone past sexual history. I dont think it is any of my business. The reason I don't ask is again it is none of my business and secondly and more importantly I don't want to see myself as number__. I would much rather see myself as the guy she is with now.
The only thing I care about relating to sex is the Dr. note saying she & I have a clean bill of health which may allow us to stop using condoms. I guess what I am saying is numbers are relative Love isnt.
Perhaps you could seek counseling to see why this is bothering you so much...I will say it is not about her as it is about you. Good luck | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 12:08:59 PM | Has she cheated on you? Nope.
Then what's the fcking problem?
oh, perhaps is the double standard that we all want virgins, or pure girls or some other shit like that, when in reality men and women are alike, we like sex. So what if instead of having to pay for school and doing a job, she was one of those "Girls gone wild" types? Would that be any better? How about the girl that is a groupie and sleeps with guys in bands? How about the girl that bangs everybody in the group and cheats even with your friends? Would that be worse?
So the past is the past.
Dude, you may not get over this. First you got to realize that everyone has a past, everyone has slept around, and that eventually most people want to settle down with someone they love.
Now ask yourself this question. Is her past going to be part of her future? Did she get any STDs that are still lingering in her system? Does she keep in touch with anybody from that past? If the answer to those questions is no. Then the only problem is you. But you have to live with yourself. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 4:29:10 PM | | In third world countries, many women are born into brothels and prostitution. It is the sole means for women to survive. I would discount the ethics and morals of this work, and focus on her heart and character. Not everyone can be born in the affluence, stability, safety and entitlement of the free world. Look for good qualities and character traits in her. She may be thankful for getting out of the situation, and really appreciate being where she is at NOW. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 5:15:49 PM | | Finding out someone has been sex worker can be quite upsetting especially if its your significant other. Someone close to me, a woman, was dating a young man who appeared in gay porn. I was quite relieved when this affair came to an end. I was worried about the possible exposure to STDs and drugs and it just gave me a creepy feeling. Prostitution is even more problematic since it is illegal as well. If you can get past this, I congratulate you on your tolerance. The only thing I can suggests is time and counseling either individually or as a couple. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 5:40:42 PM |
First, morals/ethics are quite broad and diverse. Family ethics, work ethics, religious ethics, etc...
You're doing well.
In all fairness I will say that the vast majority of this particular thread would agree, having sex for money, is a moral issue, however, speaking from a moral point of view, shame/guilt is one way to show your morals, no morals=no shame/guilt. I believe her pain is her shame therefore her morals are there.
This is the beginning of wisdom gone awry. I'm not sure that the vast majority of this thread would agree, perhaps, perhaps not, regardless, the agreement or lack thereof does not validate whether or not having sex for money is a moral issue.
Shame and guilt are not ways of showing morals, they are two different things. Shame, while intended to be an internal response to dishonoring one's own code, it is typically an external exerted in attempt to coerce and shape behavior of which others may disapprove and/or disagree. External approval does not make another's choices or behaviors immoral or moral for them. It simply reflects an alignment or non-alignment with the mores of those outside. Guilt may and may not be an appropriate response for behavior and it may be an inappropriate response to shame when it is externally imposed.
In your lack of forgiveness it would be fair to say you have no, or little morals.
In reality, it would not be fair to say that the OP has no, or little morals, regardless if their way of being makes use of forgiveness. Humans are all moral and regulate their lives accordingly. To generalize that forgiveness is mutually exclusive to morals is easily falsifiable and thus not valid as a general statement. That statement has as much validity as stating that the individual quoted immediately above is judgmental and therefore, has no, or little morals. Neither are valid or accurate.
Frankly, had the generalizations been left out, and only the first sentence and last paragraph been the response, it would have been an excellent post. Unfortunately, the power of the message was lost in the invalid generalization.
Regards,
ACP | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 9:48:55 PM | Grrrr, I'm so sorry. Some clarification and correlation for everyone.
Sorry, I wasn't saying the OP had little or no morals, sheesh I am sorry if that's the way it's being read, that was for the person who made the comment in my quote.
As for the other mistake in my print, "In all fairness I will say that the vast majority of this particular thread MIGHT agree... " not, "would agree"sorry again.
As for the shame and guilt, shame and guilt are inner feelings that we learn through being raised with certain beliefs. If we were never taught it was wrong to have sex for money then perhaps we wouldn't feel that shame. Being taught "right from wrong" is a way of instilling morals, and feeling guilty or remorseful after having done something "wrong" is one of many ways to acknowledge those beliefs.
Right or wrong, morals or no morals, forgiveness or forgetting, it all comes down to love and understanding. A parents love for their child, is almost always, unconditional, if you believe you can love her unconditionally, even after having learned of her past, then you both rely on your love for each other to help you cope with it.
I suggest NOT sharing this secret with any of your freinds in person, it's her secret to bear, she may have confided in you in confidence that you would not discuss it with anyone else. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 10:09:05 PM | | I am not going to pass judgement on what she felt she "had to do". I was raised in a very low income family as well. I wanted to attend college but we didn't have the money. I applied for Pell Grants, Scholarships & Student loans. I even got money to eat and for transportation! They are available, ESPECIALLY for low income people. I worked 20-30 hours a week on top of that. So was it "the only way" or the "easy way"? If you love her and you can live with her choices then do it. If you can't -don't. It's painful but it's pretty much that simple. Good luck! | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/7/2008 11:42:35 PM | i suppose i should've made all of this more clear in the beginning, as a lot of people are questioning the "easy way" vs the "only way" choice of her profession. not to make what other people have accomplished yourself seem any "lesser" or try to elevate what my fiancee did, but i will have to see what she did as closer "the only way". coming from a family where you could only afford meat and fruit a few times a year, had no electricity, living essentially in a one room hut with a huge extended family, i can understand why she was willing to sacrifice so much and that she was not willing to give up her chance at a better life for anything.
she was able to go abroad as a foreign student. However, in this country, that means you don't qualify for the majority of scholarships and absolutely no federal scholarships (notice how much foreign students in the states are pretty wealthy). On top of that she was a foreign student in another country that, while industrialized, just doesn't offer educational scholarships the way this country does, even to its own citizens (america is really the land of opportunity, even with our great inequity problems). So that was a route that wasn't open to her. Plus, with parents who never went to school, I'm still amazed she was able to make it to college, and get through it in another language. While I agree that it wasn't her only option to pay for her schooling, it honestly looks like to me that what she did was probably the only way with >10% chance of success for her to have gotten through school. Could she have done it by working a "normal" job, maybe...the possibility is not zero. Others before her have done it and succeeded. But also, others have done much worse for themselves in the face of much better conditions.
So really in the end, what's done is done, and even if she wasn't driven to this job by all of the above factors, i still would accept and love her for who she is now. My own insecurity with her sexual past is the big stumbling point for me, and i readily admit that. But that is exactly what i am determined to get through. after all, just like her and the rest of us, i'm an imperfect human too. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 12:04:56 AM | i have spent a lot of time advocating for kids on the streets, in particular poor kids with little family support. so, let me share with you what i have found. often the prostitutes have spent less time in total with different men, than the supposed good girls who are screwing around and giving it away for free. furthermore, having spoken to many ex prostitutes (male and female), a good number of their clients were impotent and just talked the nite away to them out of their loneliness. furthermore, if i were to judge anyone for their sexual exploitations, it would be the clients who use young girls as objects because they can't relate to adult women. many of these clients are judges, teachers, attorneys, doctors, executives. i'd spend time judging them if you are judging her.
personally, i hope your girlfriend cannot be identified by your choosing to air her story. however, you and she need to talk more about feelings and think less about what others think. if you engage a therapist, find one who understands this particular issue and who has helped young men and women transition out of the "trade". it is very big business.
i guess the question for "today" is how will she handle unforseen poverty in the future, especially when you are both a team? since it bothers her, she's apparently no jenna (the porn star aka business woman), so i imagine this may have post traumatic consequences for her and your sex life. she may be afraid to express herself because then you will think it comes from being a prostitute.
i also wonder, how many women have you slept with? i do not believe in double standards, i think that mtv is giving young girls and boys the wrong impression about double standards, and i do believe in "relationships" and not ownership.
assess your gut level feeling. get rid of your judging of her past and come to grips with her present. you know if she will become a hooker all over again. just listen to your gut. just today i was speaking to a young married woman with two special needs children. she has a great husband and she's a wonderful mom. she herself was saying that she was a "slut" in her youth because she screwed around quite a bit. i didn't like her choice of words, but she said it with humor. maybe she slept with even more men than your girlfriend. maybe you slept with even more women than she slept with men?
who really cares if you have forgiven. has she forgiven herself? forgiveness does not mean it was right, it means letting go and therefore being able to move on. so, either stop perpetuating the drama or end the relationship and allow her some dignity for attempting to right her path.
ps didn't jesus forgive a prostitute who was one of his most ardent disciples? | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 12:13:35 AM | | If you leave her you will regret it for the rest of your life.you will be miserable because she is the love of your life.Dont lose her.Grow up and forgive her.She made a mistake.You are not perfect yourself.Stop being a crybaby and tell this woman you love her and cant live without her.Dont be stupid and let some other guy grab her away from you because you were too insecure to look outside your own self. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 2:06:53 AM | | Something to think about: Why would you be jealous based on this past? Do you realize that this amounts to being jealous of men who had to pay to be with her, whom she didn't want to be with to the point that this is painful for her and she's crying herself to sleep? Logically, there's nothing there to be jealous of--which doesn't mean you won't still feel it, but perhaps it'll help to think of it in those terms. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 8:08:12 AM | | Msg.72: Stop trying to justify what she did, it was a choice. I have a friend who moved here years ago from a similar background as your friend. My friend chose a differnt route, she took care of older folks in their homes, went to school at night. Like she always said there is NO excuse for laziness, there is always some older person who needs meals cooked, a clean house and a bath. My friend has her MBA and is a hospital director. Get over what she did, but don't justify it there is NO justification it was wrong and you know it... | |
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