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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 8:53:53 AM | Hmmm
My take on all this...
I assume you're both tested and clean... Do you have plans for children? Has she had any health issues that can impair her fertility... Or might shorten her life-expectancy...?
A w0man who has had a lot of sex partners can be a very wonderful and loving woman. But don't expect that her past experience will automatically make her a wonderful lover. A lot of people hate doing at home what they did at work... (The old stereotype of the plumber who has leaky taps at home comes to mind)... She may be reluctant, even cold towards sex if it has bad memories for her...
The woman I'm with has a lot of hurt, health issues and depression from her sexual past. Sometimes her nights are spent sitting in the darkness crying...
You have to ask yourself if you are willing to go through those bad times with her when she gets them...?
Are you willing to deal with the unexpected if something from her past suddenly confronts you such as a past customer...
You're taking on a lot of responsibility, both to yourself and to her.... If you let her down, you will be doing her a great deal of harm...
But on the flip side, by taking her on, loving her marrying her, the whole 9 yards...
You're validating and making worthwhile to her, everything she has done to get where she is... At least she won't feel as thought she wasted the effort.... The best wives are those who realise they are appreciated and loved for who they are and not what they were... | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 9:42:07 AM | Now ask yourself this question. Is her past going to be part of her future?
(Msg #65)
To re-state the question, let's temporarily delete the word "escort". Substitute something like:
a) My partner used to ride with a motorcycle gang.
b) My partner used to smoke, but doesn't anymore.
c) My partner once struggled with alcohol & drug addiction, but has been sober for five years.
Would this change your outlook? Your acceptance of her as she is now, regardless of past entanglements, will be a big part of her growth and yours. Like any secret vice, prostitution hides in the shadows because the stigma still haunts us even after we've moved on.
I'm not a churchy guy, but Jesus said: "Hate the sin, love the sinner". Jesus was pretty smart. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 10:27:42 AM | First of all, what is so WRONG with it? Did it hurt anyone? All this bullcrap about emotional scars and trauma... If it weren't for the mores and opinions of institutions and judgmental idiots, the psychological damage would be ZERO. It's true that ppl share energies when they get together and clearing needs to be done before healing is complete, but all the fantasies and ridiculous moral sermonizing add nothing but a great weight of guilt that is totally and completely UNNECESSARY, except for the fact that they oppress the sexuality of women (which works out so well for males and those sanctimonious, suppressed women who derive pleasure out of punishing others instead of looking within.) I hope your gf gets over all the CRAP and ILLUSIONS that attend guilt and gets on with the JOY and LOVE that is hers (and yours) by right.
NO ONE GOT HURT OR DESTROYED. NEWSFLASH!!! That's a GOOD thing! It would be worse if she were the driver in a hit-and-run accident. The oldest profession is still around and will never be acceptable because it is so raw and real to get naked and vulnerable it strikes a big fear nerve in a lot of people who can't address their own inhibitions. STD's are the only REAL danger. The rest is what arises from the act out of what arises from the mind and opinions - from future SO's or the wife of the husband that went to a hooker. It's all emotional drama and we can unravel until the cows come home and still find more and more to point at. Isn't that true with just about every action, though?
STUPID people who need to brandish the club of GUILT should just look in the mirror and fix whatever is inside that makes them that way or STFU!!! | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 12:49:27 PM | If it were me it wouldn't phase me. It would just be an aspect of her past. You going to counseling to help you cope is a great idea. Sounds like you two are going to be fine.
Her choice to pursue prostitution does prompt the question of any childhood trauma. If you are willing to hear the it then it seems like a good or shall we say relevant time to ask the question and also deal with this possible issue.
For me the childhood trauma wouldn't scare me a way it explains more of why the choice in profession was made. It does prompt other questions about her dealing with the trauma through therapy, support groups, weekend retreats and reading ... all for the purpose so you two could achieve an even more healthy and lasting relationship. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 2:23:17 PM | The women say cut her some slack and most of the men don't. Strange. According to a survey (no I don't have the source) there is one working girl for every thousand people. In New York city that would be about 1500 working girls. That's at any particular time. Some wander in and then wander out. How many women are there in the United States that once turned a trick. More than 300,000. Probably triple that. That doesn't include strippers, showgirls, nude models, and hooters waitresses.
in other words about one out of every 150 women at some time turned a trick. Have you any idea how many of them are currently on POF?
So, The first thing you have to understand is that your experience is neither new nor unique. In fact it's part of a plot cliche. (Watch the Original Poisiden movie).
Second. It's you problem. You should go for counseling and start to understand that nothing in your relationship with your girlfriend has changed except your perception of her.
Reality is sometimes how we perceive it. In some societies, a courtesan was a highly respected profession. During the time of the Byzantine empire, one rose to be queen of the empire.
We should not forget the past, but neither should it rule us. | |
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Zain.
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Joined: 9/20/2005
Msg: 84 | |
| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 3:29:59 PM | BDJ said
"OMTWF -- I've said things I've regretted. I've done things I've regretted. But this doesn't include demeaning myself for the almighty dollar because I wanna get rich quick instead of a "9 to 5" like normal people would...so I also have the quickest way to debunk your "upright citizens" rhetoric..."
You sir, are the problem how are sexworkers suppose to improve the quality of their lives when conservative nutjobs like yourself treat them like second class citizens? People have resort to much more immoral and unethical practices to make a quick buck. Atleast prostitutes don't mug or shoot people. Or profit from unethical things like the consumption of ciggerettes or the production of weapons. All of the things you could charge money for giving somebody an orgasm isn't the most immoral thing. If you don't like prostitutes fine. but don't force anyone to obey YOUR morals. You are are not god.
"Quick show of hands...who all here has also sold their body like a piece of meat to the highest bidder, rather than hold down a "9 to 5"? Anyone else?"
Strawman arguement any prostitute can say no to any john she does not like. Prostitutes are not "bought and sold" That's slavery not prostitution. and yes some women would rather work as prostitutes then 40 hours a week for minimum wage. That's their choice not yours.
"There's a broad line between promiscuity, and "pay as you go" promiscuity"
promiscuity is promiscuity. Atleast prostitutes will insist on protection
"It's a fact...embrace it...don't fear the truth"
You apparently don't know the difference between an opinion and a fact. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/8/2008 7:10:05 PM | | msg 83 i think if you read the holy book u just might find the jesus was murdered by the system not the people , i suppose you could say politics ..........ow and heres one more sayin they who have not sinned cast the first stone ( gosh, can u hear that thunder as everyone drops there rock, bugga now it created a rockfall lmao ) | |
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10of6
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Joined: 8/27/2008
Msg: 87 | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 5:49:55 AM | I think you are refusing to see reality! Do you really believe that she had no other way to make a living? Come on! That's your girlfriend's rationalization for what she did.
I think that you should know that most female prostitutes come from a background of sexual abuse in their family of origin (childhood). The scars from this background will eventually destroy your relationship with her.
I would end the relationship, or if you don't want to do that, insist that she and sometimes in combination with you, have two or three years of therapy, to resolve the emotional issues she must be having, before you marry her.
You are ignoring serious signs of dysfunction in her! Ensure that both of you obtain psychotherapy before you move forward into a serious relationship.
By the way, I was a therapist for 25 years, so please take what I am telling you in a serious way.
Judith | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 6:01:43 AM | I have always found it an interesting argument for being a stripper or a whore, that one needs to pay for college or support a child or just support yourself. I came from poor beginnings. I have supported myself since I was 17. I worked as a waitress, in factories and canneries, in warehouses, even agricultural work. I did office work, clerking, inventory, so many different types of things I can't even recall them all. But never, for one moment, did I ever consider giving up my dignity and doing something as repulsive as becoming a sex worker of any kind. I don't see how anyone with a mind and with any sense of personal dignity could. Certainly needing to support yourself or put yourself through school or even supporting an out of wedlock child, none of those reasons are good enough reasons. I put myself through 6 years of university and have supported myself for 40 years. Being a sex worker was never necessary. And I came from very low beginnings, as far as the economic strata.
So, the argument that she needed to do this carries no weight with me. She chose to do this. If you are comfortable with a woman whose values and morals allow her to choose this way to make a living, then that's fine. If you aren't, then you need to break it off and move on. It's that simple. If this is really troubling you, you need to consider if you will ever be able to reconcile yourself to accepting this and her so your future life together, if that is where this goes, is peaceful and harmonious. For me, an absolultely essential ingredient in loving someone and spending my life with him is that I respect him. Do you respect her? Will you respect her as your wife? As the mother of your children? | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 6:09:10 AM |
in other words about one out of every 150 women at some time turned a trick.......
Have you any idea how many of them are currently on POF?
I don't know, do you? Have they put it down under profession in their profiles???
As I've stated before in this thread, I have worked in adult entertainment. But guess what? I've never had sex for money. I'm not gonna say I've never been offered money for sex, but I've never taken money for sex. Imagine that! Marinate on that for a while.
According to you and your "survey", basically, if a woman has sex and receives a gift... she is turning a "trick" as you like to say. Does this include people that are married to each other? If a man buys a woman a gift for her bday or something...and they had sex the night before..I guess she is a hooker then? How about your female family members? Say your mother, daughter, etc?? Of course, nobody in your family would ever do that, right?
And who are their paying clients then that are not being blamed or faulted? According to your logic, then even more men have visited sex workers (after all, the majority of clients are male) and you don't seem to have a problem with that. Quite the double standard, which doesn't surprise me. Everyone is entitled to their opinion doesn't mean I have to agree with it. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 6:49:17 AM | Wow! You have been with this woman for two years and NOW she tells you that she prostituted herself? That's a bitter pill to swallow. However she has told you, so how do you deal with it? Good question.....I'm thinking....
If she slept with a hundred men for the sake of sleeping with them would you view her differently than sleeping with a hundred men and charging them for services provided?
I agree that there are other ways of supporting yourself without putting your dignity on the line and I am sure that she is not proud of doing what she did.
However, this is her past and YOU are her future. If you can live without throwing her past in her face then your relationship has a chance to survive. If it's going to eat away at you then it's best to let go. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 9:51:13 AM | We've all done things we're not proud of. So I cannot criticise her for being a prostitute. At least she wasn't harming someone else. Now, being a b8tch, that is harming someone. If she admitted she used to use men, or be a b8tch to people, then you might have to worry that she might do that to you one day as well.
Sure, she's treated sex casually. But she valued it for at least a few dollars. There was once a documentary about hookers, where one said asked herself what was the difference between sex for a cheap dinner like a burger and fries, and sex for money? Not much, except the money is worth more. So she became a hooker.
In our society, where sex is considered casual and cheap, and so is not treasured as an experience to be shared between husband and wife, it is no wonder that she became a prostitute. Sex for pleasure is fleeting. Sex to pay your bills, that gives you that warm feeling of food in your belly, hot water, and a nice, warm bed to sleep in, gives you a lot more pleasure than a casual one-night-stand.
The only question is if she sees you like a John, or like a boyfriend. The fact that she was so loathe to tell you until now, shows that she thought you didn't know, and you thought of her as a girlfriend, and she was afraid of telling you, in case you thought of her as a hooker, and not as a girlfriend, because she liked you thinking of her as your girlfriend. She likes being your girlfriend. She wants you to think of her as your girlfriend.
If you were just a means to an end, then she'd have never told you, especially as you are now moving to a foreign country, where you are unlikely to meet any of her clients, and when she wanted to get rid of you, she'd have told you THEN.
The fact that she told you, when she didn't have to at all, and that she still wants to stay with you, means that she cares for you, and she trusts you, and she has reached the point in her feelings for you, where she wants to share ALL of herself with you, even the bits that she fears might make her lose you, because she cannot bear to keep this from you any longer. Her feelings for you are too strong to keep pretending, and she would rather you reject her, than keep pretending to you.
But most of all, the simple reality is that with all this, she has not changed. She is the same girl as the girl you met 2 years ago. You didn't know this about her. But she was the same girl, and after all, isn't the reason you are together because of how she treats you? If you found out she was Spanish, and not Mexican, would it make a difference? How about if she loves Marmite? At the end of the day, she is the same person, because you fell in love with her, based on how she acts, and that has never changed.
I know this is very hard for you to deal with. It would be far more hard for me to accept than you, because I have irrational insecurities. But you need to stop, take stock, and look at her based on how she treats you and everyone in her life, for the last 2 years. If she is always good and generous to everyone, then that is who she is, and that will not change just because you found this out. It will take time, and counselling. But I expect that if you are reasonable, and keep calm, and come to an objective decision, then you will have the best of all possible worlds. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 10:24:03 AM | It's funny (but not funny) that when you do something wrong its break up time. But when the other half can do something like that it's justifiable/reduced. This applies to both guys and women. Student loans can be paid off anytime. And if her back is in the corner again what poor judgments is going to do to take care of that situation again?
If you had kids with her or anyone else like that how would you explain it to them? | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 10:24:08 AM |
I usually agree with you, but in this case I think if he needs couples therapy this early in the relationship.....what real chance does he have?
I definately see your point, and for me a therapist would have to be smarter than Einstein to help get me past a bombshell like that. But I was taking into consideration that this man does honestly appear to want to stay with her and work on the relationship. He seems far more forgiving than I could ever be. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 12:53:39 PM | thanks scorpiomover. your words were some of the most reassuring words to me, among others. and not just you, i owe so many more thank yous to those on this board. as for a lot of the negative responses to my situation, i suppose there is no need to justify any of this to other people, as this is an issue really only between her and myself, and it's our future together. there is no need to appease the naysayers, they aren't involved in our lives. i won't let them change my opinion, and in fairness, i won't try to change theirs.
but to all of those positive responders, thank you so much for your faith, and your willingness to forgive. living for the present and future, not the past, because everybody has unhappiness in the past. it's all a part of the human condition. to those of you with optimism and faith, you are the people i would love to surround myself with, those who find hope out of despair. if only i could take you out to buy you a coffee and have a nice chat, but unfortunately i can't be that revealing of our identities. i wish the best to everyone.
i also don't mind further discussion on this, as maybe others can be helped the same way I am being helped right now. today's a beautiful day outside  | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 6:16:36 PM | i am sorry. this is just crap. i know plenty of girls who found other means to pay for school. actually, i've done it myself and i even had a two hundred dolllar a month prescription drug to pay for...(nexium...great fun!)...
this girl is all about taking the easy way out. for her it was too hard to struggle like everyone else and wait tables, or bar tend. sorry, you can make sometimes 15 to 20 and hour waiting tables, and bar tenders... i know some that make 40k a year working part time! hello!
this girl is a loser. she will always take the path of least resistence. it's not about judging her past, it's about her response to life's difficulties. she doesn't have what it takes to tough it out and rise to the occasion. that being her character flaw... this is the kind of woman that would leave you if and when things got really tough...
she wants the easy way... that should tell you all you need to know...
do you want your kids to be brought up by someone like that? come on!
lar | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 7:09:17 PM | To the poster that thinks prostitutes don't rob people, you're wrong.
I've been working the mean streets of Detroit now for more than 14 years...I see hookers rob their John's of money for drugs, car jack people and commit other heinous acts in order to either get their "fix" of heroin or crack every day that I work.
This on the other hand, is a woman that obviously is not from this country and in her country, prostitution is sometimes the only means for survival. | |
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| She used to do escort. How can I get past this tough time and move past her history?
Posted: 11/9/2008 7:26:32 PM | ok, justifying what she did was no longer an issue for me, and I was pretty happy today. but larissan just pissed me off so much. She is just too much of a b8tch for me to let this pass. It is you and your self-righteousness that make this country weak.
ok you grew up in the united states, so you have no idea what it is like to make it in the world.
1) have you grown up in a place where $100 is the median family income? for the whole year?
2) have you then somehow miraculously saved up enough money and worked hard enough to get into another country, and a school in that country with standards similar to ours, with $40,000 being the median family income.
3) that being done, after barely getting there by your own bootstraps, you eek out a living from job to job, sleeping 4 hours a night between going to school, studying, working part-time, and learning the language in the process. tuition is $10k a semester, even after you've gotten the biggest scholarship the school offers. this isn't so podunk community college, this is a full, respected, research institution. you have to study, study, study. then you have to pay for food, transportation to school and work, and all other little expenses. guess what, in this country waiters don't get tips, and they make only maximum $10 an hour. plus you are limited on your student visa to work 20 hours a week. But let's say that you can get that bartender job you were talking about. Even if you make $20 an hour, that's $400 a week. over the course of a year, that's $20,800. how much did i say tuition was again? looks like you're short $400. so you start working odd jobs "off the books".
4) finally, collapse happens, because you aren't sleeping enough. You end up in a hospital and of course bills result for that. what do you do, you have to get money in a way that doesn't kill you to pay off rent, tuition, hospital bills, and so that you can eventually graduate and get a shot at a good living. Or do you give up and go back to your home country to a live in the fields?
5) After doing escorting enough to pay off those bills, you get through college, graduate, get a good job, buy a car, buy a house for the family back in the home country, and support the whole family there.
so what kind of "easy" situation and "easy" choices were made here? I can't argue with your condemning of her job, that's up to each individual person's morals. But but do not call that the easy way. You don't know what it takes to survive in this world. And she's the lucky one, think of all the ones that don't ever get a chance for education.
And what's my reaction? Yeah, it's pretty pitiful yeah. You know I feel so bad, partly that she sold her body (and the morality pressures that I have), but even more so from her having it so hard, and me getting all emotional because because she of what she did with some men for money when she was most desperate and needed it most. so really, I'm the weak one. she is the strong one. and you don't know f*ck about the hard way. she will be 50 times the mother that you ever can be. | |
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