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 *~*ChardyGirl*~*
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 26
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...Page 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Interesting Thread,"Red".................

No,im not an angy person at all,nor,have i EVER been involved with an angry type of man.....

Im pretty even tempered & usually wake up happy every day..................coz i love my life........
I do,however get "frustrated " with people & with myself,if i dont understand something..................


. Crimes, or cruelty, against children...
2. Crimes, or cruelty, against animals...
3. Crimes, or cruelty, against another human being who is not able to defend themselves...
4. Prejudism...


"Sash",im with you on ALL of these !Now,^^^^ does get my blood boiling !
 RedCassandra
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 27
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Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/7/2008 11:31:52 PM
So many posters who I admire, respect and care for in this thread...
*is humbled and thankful to those who responded*


Angry people are like "psychic vampires." They suck the energy right out of you sometimes, just being around them.


angry people can be emotional vampires

Yes... emotional vampires... there is a question for a whole different thread... how to spot the emotional vampire before they suck all energy out of you?... will post that soon...:)


I feel pity for angry people. It must really suck to be them, and be so miserable all the time.

The question is if this is their choice or not?
Cuz, who would chose such a thing?
I imagine that for some it can be a result of painful past (or present), or maybe they are just "wired" that way...

I didn't see fear in my parents face when they inflicted horrific abuse against me, and I didn't see fear in the face of the abusive bf.

Could it be that they *do anger* to hide their fear?

I have chosen not to “do anger”. It disturbs the psyche . . . and the energy within the immediate surroundings is unhealthy, unpleasant, un-peaceful, etc., etc.

I consider to “do anger” very primitive. Now, by no means am I being condensing. What I’m saying is that to “do anger” . . . is synonymous with lacking the skill to verbally communicate what one is experiencing emotionally.

But, if someone has no skills... perhaps that's not a choice... perhaps that's the only thing they know...
I suppose some people can make that choice... others cannot... We are enabled AND constrained by our past and our present... Perhaps for some, there such limitations that they cannot chose differently?
I am just thinking out loud...with my fingers...


i usually get angry because i am being mistreated, not appreciated or something is downright wrong! When I get angry, I get angry because I am so filled with emotion that I want to cry. there is no way I am going to break down and show my "humanness", "vulnerability","FEELINGS"hurt or sadness. I hide it and take it out by being overly unwantingly assertive

So... in your case... it's fear/hurt... anger as a way to say "Back off"?


The good part about seeing this is that it makes me try harder not to give into the temptation to "do anger".

That's a great point.
We learn from those who we want to emulate... but, we learn even more from those that we do NOT want to be like...

When I'm angry, I just smoke a cigarette or break something to help me, but that's just me.

And then they say that smoking is bad.
I find in life, like attracts like, so when being an angry person, I attracted angry people into my life. Now that I can be *me* again, my life has had dramatic changes, and I no longer attract the negative people to me...rather, I have a small circle of friends, who are uplifting, and bring happiness into my life...and that's just fine with me...

A very good point... am glad to know that you left that angry place.

 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 28
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Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/7/2008 11:45:26 PM
"The question is if this is their choice or not?
Cuz, who would chose such a thing?"

Unfortunately some people do chose to do such a thing

A few months ago a friend of mine brought the new man in her life over for me to meet. I was so excited to meet him because he makes her happy. This "kind, wonderful" man sat in my living and told me how much he loves to use anger to bully customer service reps to get free stuff. I told him how I felt about his behavior, but he felt getting what he wants justifies it.

While I will always be grateful to this man for making my friend happy, but I will never be able to respect him.
 ~PumpKyn~
Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 29
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 12:11:09 AM
Your last post Red...very interesting as I draw implications towards other threads.
Apologies for digressing...but I felt this poignant.

Angry people are like "psychic vampires." They suck the energy right out of you sometimes, just being around them.

angry people can be emotional vampires


Yes... emotional vampires... there is a question for a whole different thread... how to spot the emotional vampire before they suck all energy out of you?... will post that soon...:)

This is why I often speak so frequently on topics of passive aggressive behavior.
Both forms of anger outward or inward are as devastating as each other.

Verbal abuse and physical abuse are often hidden within the home...but passive aggressiveness ie. emotional abuse...permeates all relationships for those people and will be displayed within both interpersonal or occupational situations but is socially more "acceptable"

Just as the outward anger is considered vampiric...I offer as is internal rage.

The question is if this is their choice or not?
Cuz, who would chose such a thing?
I imagine that for some it can be a result of painful past (or present), or maybe they are just "wired" that way...

Again...back to our childhoods and the need to nurture, listen to, speak to and teach our children to communicate.
Protect them from the cycle.
 ~Myth~
Joined: 6/1/2007
Msg: 30
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 12:46:33 AM
Red ya naughty . . . naughty girl . . . I might reconsider . . . just to pick ya brain.


But, if someone has no skills...

Verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry true . . . such in my case . . . it was not until late in my adult life did I learned.


perhaps that's not a choice...

Again, TRUE! As children we do not pick our parents.


perhaps that's the only thing they know...

Verrry true . . .that is all I knew. For the most part, IMO, parents play a key role in children becoming angry adults and/or to “do anger” as adults. Now, I am not blaming my parents for not teaching me for they taught me from their own frame of reference or lack thereof.


I suppose some people can make that choice... others cannot...

Now, I mentioned “for the most part” above because ULTIMATELY we do grow up and do form our own opinions independently of whatever the influence. That is why I feel very strongly that it is a choice. A choice to grow, improve, seek answers to be all that one can be . . . (no I’m not trying to enlist anyone for the army . . . HEHHEHEE!)

As for others not being able to make that choice: As an adult, it is hard to believe that we do not have a choice in how we wish to express ourselves? Do we not have control of our minds? Are we not able to apply self-control/discipline? Do we not have words to voice and communicate our emotions? Are we really that powerless over our emotions? I have a very hard time believing that our human minds (exceptions of course) can be sooooo limited in dealing with destructive emotions.



We are enabled AND constrained by our past and our present... Perhaps for some,
there such limitations that they cannot chose differently?

For how long do we use our past or present as an excuse to be angry at life or to “do anger”? Who other than a children (and that can be up for debate –hehehehe) or mentally unstable individuals are powerless to chose differently?



I am just thinking out loud...with my fingers...

I sooooooooooooooo love ya when you think out loud with ya fingers [*LMAO*] . . . folks get ya mind out of the gutter . . . in my “special” warp way . . . I’m just paying her a compliment!

Now . . . [*twirling her devilish tail – swing her hip side to side*] . . . I’m not really interrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrested in my opinion . . . [*wink-wink*].


~Myth~
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 31
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Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 1:40:11 AM
1. Are you an angry person? Do you *do* anger?

Red -- this is kinda a two pronged question, n'est pas?

I'm an angry person...yes, I *do* anger. However, I'm also a happy person...yes, I *do* happy. Two pronged questions get two pronged answers


If you answered "yes" to the questions above:
Why?
What do you accomplish when acting out of anger?
What are the things that make you angry?
When was the last time you acted that way and what did you do?
How do you handle your anger in a relationship, and what is it that your partner can do to help you to overcome it?

Why? -- why am I an angry person, or why do I *do* anger? Which one are you referring to? The answer is the same for either, so I can still answer...the "why" is easy, and it's because I understand that life is nothing more than balance and choice. Life needs balance else there'd be just chaos. Can't have good without evil...up without down...right without wrong...there has to be balance, and a counterpoint to all things (except rhyming with orange). I'm angry, and *do* anger because I choose to. I will always choose to as well. It's a choice I make because I'd like to know what happiness is, which is an opposite of anger. If I never know anger, I'll never notice happiness because I won't have anything in which to judge it against, or balnce it out to.

What do you accomplish when acting out of anger? -- Balance, as I mentioned above. I embrace all of my emotions, and shun none of them. I want my life to have all aspects, not just socially revered ones. I will never have a myopic view on emotions. I embrace them all, good and bad. So what I accomplish is understanding of balance.

What are things that make you angry? -- you mean besides surveys like these that try to pigeon hole people? Besides that? You'd have been safer askin' me what doesn't make me angry...much shorter list.

When was the last time you acted that way and what did you do? -- last time I *did* anger was earlier today, driving over to a friends' house to pick up my SingStar I left there weeks ago...driving an expressway of sorts with a speed limit of 80 KPH and getting caught behind a raft of drivers that can't seem to read past 50 KPH on their speedometer. What I did was cuss up a blue streak that shook the skies til my throat went hoarse, and I think I wore out my horn as well...not to mention if my Doc had been there to gauge my blood pressure at that moment, it likely woulda killed him before it killed me...

How do you handle your anger in a relationship, and what is it that your partner can do to help you to overcome it? -- In a relationship, if I get angry at something or someone, I'll speak up about it. If it leads to shouting and such, then I'll excuse myself to find a quiet place to reflect on my thoughts, and ask myself if it's worth fighting over whatever we're fighting over. If it is, I'll jump back in feet first and give her both barrels, so to speak. If my partner wants to help me overcome it, she needs to give me space and shut her flapper when I tell her that she needs to back off. Gettin' up in my face when I'm trying to calm myself down is just like pokin' a pissed off bear with a really sharp stick. Ill advised in any case. When/if I tell you you better shut your gape, I mean it, and you'd be well served to do as you're told and back away from the room. Consider it a verbalized "warning shot".

Beyond that, I have little to add or expound upon. I dunno why people are so up in arms about anger. It's a valid emotion, and it's sad to see so many people trying to shelter themselves from it like it's a disease. I'm angry, and damn proud of that fact. Probably why I'll never be called a sheep, or a follower...and don't get my ass handed to me by everyone that's lookin' to manipulate the "shiny happy" types.

Embrace your anger.

 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 32
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 1:51:58 AM
^^^I must admit, BDJ, you HAVE been sounding a bit pissed off lately....
 psssst
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 33
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 2:26:13 AM

People get upset about all kinds of little (or not so little) things and they act out of anger.
I'll explain this a little from my point of view and experience...

Yes, there was a time in my life that I felt I was an angry person; that inconsequential events or happenings had me snapping at someone or reacting very defensively. This was a time when I felt I had very little control in my life and I became angry mainly due to the frustration of feeling life spiraling out of my control. And of course the more I became angry, the less control I had over my life... a vicious cycle...

As for what made me angry, everything from a store advertising a special and not stocking the product, to coming home to something in the house having been broken due to carelessness. Everything was a trigger.

Today I would have to say that although I do become angry at things, it's a much more reasonable reaction to the events as opposed to flying off at the slightest thing...

It's not that I overcome the impulse, it's simply not there... and when I do become irked at something, I stop and evaluate whether or not my reaction is valid in the situation. Most often I find that yes, the circumstances do justify my being angry... at a much more reasonable level of course...

My great epiphany was when I realized I wasn't immortal... that I was squandering my life on these emotions when it really didn't matter what I did, it wasn't going to stop the exterior influences so I simply walk away from angry situations...

Now if I could only control my sarcasm so well...
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 34
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 2:38:24 AM
Excellent thread Red Cassandra... especially here on POF... As you say:


It seems to me lately that there is a lot of angry people... here on POF, or in real life.
People get upset about all kinds of little (or not so little) things and they act out of anger.


I believe that many people are in mourning or grieving without even realizing it. Here on POF, we have a rather heavy concentration of people who have experienced a great deal of loss through their divorces and even through dating with all of its high expectations and disappointments. Since anger is one of the stages of grief, it doesn't surprise me to see a lot of it in these forums.

Since anger serves to help people detach from a situation that is hurtful or confusing to them, I think it has a valuable place in the spectrum of our emotions and particularly, in the grief process. Like anything, it has to be balanced into our other emotions. If you think about it, any one emotion that a person becomes chronically stuck in, is toxic to a person... even joy can run over the edge of its cup and become a degree of mania. But properly used, it is part of the human arsenal of survival tools and one that is deserving of respect. To answer your questions:


1. Are you an angry person? Do you *do* anger?


No, I am not an angry person. I am a pacifist and terribly devoted to defusing high emotions in any kind of confrontational environment. But where this goes for me is that if I get pissed off, I am probably twice as pissed off as the average person. First, I am angry that I'm angry cuz I don't like the feeling and secondly, I'm angry over something that I feel helpless to stop. I hate feeling helpless and it makes me angry if I think people I care about are going to suffer some crappy consequence because they aren't considering better options.

Do I do anger? Yuppers... When I need some space to think and I can't come by it peacefully. But most of the time, it's a quiet burn... I don't think I have the right to take it out on other people.


If you answered "yes" to the questions above:
Why?
What do you accomplish when acting out of anger?
What are the things that make you angry?
When was the last time you acted that way and what did you do?
How do you handle your anger in a relationship, and what is it that your partner can do to help you to overcome it?


I've mostly answered this... I accomplish the space I need when I am acting out of anger... Things that make me angry? Mostly people without boundaries... Uncaring people have been known to push my buttons through the roof...

The last time I was angry, I was wayyyy beyond angry to the point where it physically hurt to be inside my skin. It was the end result of having someone invade my life without my consent and feeling helpless to stop it. As soon as I was finally safe, I went into a rage that I hope to never feel again in this lifetime. What did I do? I went into therapy and learned how to grieve in a way that wasn't so damaging to my ability to function or my spirit.

I don't agree that all anger is about fear. Mine wasn't. Mine was about trying to get some distance from some really horrific losses and an expression of my profound grief. It was also the pivot point where I began to reclaim some of what I'd lost.

Frankly, I am grateful for the role that anger played in my life. I am now more serene than I have ever been in my life and I don't think I would be if my own anger hadn't triggered me... no, I mean.. forced me... into finally facing that I couldn't deal with things on my own and needed a little bit of help to get to where I needed to go.
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 35
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 2:56:01 AM


That seems to me rather futile... acting out of anger usually does not bring anything good to anyone.


Sometimes it does bring good. I'm sure you can think of few instances where that's the case.

Also, anger, if towards oneself for example can spring one to action - perhaps to improve one's situation, or make a needed change.

Also, one has to remember that their are situations where one is angry for a good reason!



1. Are you an angry person? Do you *do* anger?


Unlikely. I spend most of my time thinking... rarely time for anger. But occasionally, I do get angry, and mostly at myself.



If you answered "no" :
Why is it that you don't do the anger?


Reflection. I have examined several of the occasions in which I did get angry. I also examined the outcome in those cases. Keeping "cool" generally yields better out comes.



How do you overcome the impulse to act in such a way (I assume that we all get pissed off sometimes, but it does not mean that we all *do anger*)?


I truly believe all people have good intentions - even killers, murders, etc. That said, I also know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Therefore when someone "pissed me off", I willingly reserve judgment, and try to understand them - see where they are coming from, see what is the "good intention" driving their behavior at that moment. In other words, I ask them a set of questions.

Also, I know I can be in the wrong - and that would be a valid reason for someone to get angry at me or act "weird". That, more than anything else, is why I reserve judgment - the last thing I want is to be angry at someone who has a good reason to be angry at me.

And lastly, I like peace and quite. Oh, and I'm lazy - to get angry requires too much work.



Have you ever been in a relationship with an angry one, and how did you handle it?


No. I'm have the natural ability to drive people mad - and I know how to use it if I wanted to. Therefore by the end of the second date, I can tell a woman's anger level and hence avoid it altogether if I deemed it too high.
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 36
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 3:20:37 AM
Allain de Botton wrote a wonderful book explaining how ancient philosphers examined different emotions, called The Philosophy of Happiness.
He profiled anger through Roman philosopher Seneca.
Seneca refused to see anger as an irrational outburst over which we have no control. Instead he saw it as a philosophical problem and amenable to treatment by philosophical argument. He thought anger arose from certain rationally held ideas about the world, and the problem with these ideas is that they are far too optimistic. Certain things are a predictable feature of life, and to get angry about them is to have unrealistic expectations.
So, to stop ourselves from being angry - not a natural emotion, but an irrational outburst - we must lower our expectations.
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 37
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 3:51:06 AM
i don't *do* anger except at government corruption, which totally burns me to the core but only at an intellectual level. because if i were really angry, well then i would have to be going postal, wouldn't i?


at a more general level, i'm certainly not surprised at a rising tide of anger. billions for bankers while so many other people lose their jobs, see their savings wiped out, and get hit with higher taxes to top it all off. who *wouldn't* be steaming mad? who *shouldn't* be steaming mad? it's inevitable that some of that is going to come leaking out around the seams where your otherwise would not see it.

anger is a force to be reckoned with, and it's entirely appropriate in certain situations. where would this country be without anger? we'd all be speaking in limey accents and kissing the queen's a$$. American Revolution, v.2.0!!!

don't kick the dog, kick your congressman!
 Green_Eyed_Pixie
Joined: 10/21/2008
Msg: 38
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 4:14:32 AM

1. Are you an angry person? Do you *do* anger?


I am quite angry at the moment, but that's because I'm looking after someone who's dying, so I'm generally raging against the "injustice" of life! To be honest I'm really raging about it, but I try to go running to get rid of that, as there's not that much I can do, or talk to my friends.

In general terms, I do anger, but try not to get out of control .


If you answered "yes" to the questions above:
Why?

I find if handled constructively it can be useful, it helps me to be assertive. I try to breathe deeply and I become very calm, I might raise my voice slightly but I make an effort to keep it down.


What do you accomplish when acting out of anger?[/quote}

I get listened to. Perhaps this is because usually I am very, very easy going and laid-back, people like being around me, partners, friends, however I think I can be too laid-back at times, I probably need to put my own needs across more.
Plus, I come from a family that people never talked about things, and when there was anger it was usually very destructive and fuelled by booze. So I was always very scared of anger, in myself and others, if a teacher shouted at me I used to cry.
Now, I find it empowering, as long as it's under control and I'm not being abusive (eg shouting, throwing, scaring someone) I think a bit of anger can be good.


What are the things that make you angry?

Lack of family support, but I can't act angry around my family without getting really angry, I need to work on that one.


When was the last time you acted that way and what did you do?

On the phone with a customer service rep from my university. He told me I was wrong, that I hadn't paid for something, despite me looking at my online statement. He repeated this several times as if I was stupid. At one time I'd have probably whimpered or lost it, I used my anger to be assertive and just ask to be put through to someone else.

Also, I recently wanted my family to help with something.. but couldn't bring myself to ring them. So I asked for their help by email, I didn't get it initially, I wanted to ring them up and say something but held off, then they finally got back to me. I then managed to ring another one of them up and be casual and not treat things as big deal, while getting some help. Still working on it.


How do you handle your anger in a relationship, and what is it that your partner can do to help you to overcome it?


I don't go out with people that deliberately provoke me anymore. In the past, I've had partners start rows to wind me up, then use it as an excuse to leave me/give me a hard time. Now I try to ask for what I want, while listening to them. I think that in the past I didn't always listen and mis-understood. Still do at times.

I also remind myself to be respectful, and not shout too much, I don't think I'll ever stop raising my voice (at times) but screaming at someone is unacceptable. Not sure what a partner can do to help me overcome it, I think it's just communication. I knew I wanted to be with someone who was upfront about their feelings and us, and I think I've got that now, I just need to do some more from my end.
 BBW2Love
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 39
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 4:23:45 AM
I used to be an angry person due to a hellacious childhood and a natural hypersensitivity. I once loved getting into arguments. The adrenalin rush made me feel great. Unfortunately, this was making my life untenable. I worked quite hard to overcome it using affirmations, medicine (antidepressants lessened the hypersensitivity and replaced the adrenalin rush) and logic.
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 40
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 5:09:13 AM

Relationships are about love. And the opposite of love is fear. And since I believe that all anger IS fear, if you're exhibiting anger in a relationship, ya might wanna look at what you're afraid of. And fear in a relationship ain't a good thing. Nope, not at all......


bullie, my dear friend... I do agree with most of your post, but I will have to disagree with this.
To me the opposit of love is not fear but indifference
Fear in a relationship... especially in the early stage... is not unusual.
After all, you are opening your world to another person... you are opening your heart to them... and if you are really prepared to be with them ... you can only hope that they will take your little heart and treat it with love and caution... and not break it.
THAT is scary as hell.... It takes lots of courage and trust to let yourself do that.
(does not lead to anger... I hope... but, fear? yup... methinks so)

My seester..... I stand by my thoughts. I truly believe that if we're not experiencing love in any sense of the word, we're experiencing fear.

Indifference would come from understanding the fear and making a choice on it.

"Eh"..... is indifference. Fear is what happens when you don't know how to be dispassionate.
 Noebelle
Joined: 11/4/2008
Msg: 41
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 5:31:19 AM
BDJ has definitely been exhibiting some anger management issues recently in his postings. Vacation?

I don't "do" anger. I was raised by a father who was a violent and angry man. I was the punching bag for his "expressive times". It made me a very strong woman, and one who doesn't cower. However, it also made me very controlled and calm. I don't emote excessively when I am angry.

Do I become angry? Yes.

Years ago, when unable to contain my rage because of my age and immaturity, I did a very rash and foolish thing in anger that caused deep, and life long pain to three people, one who was entirely innocent. Since that time I see giving in to inner anger and rage as something only a very weak, and immature person does.

Anyone with any intelligence at all - knows how to behave at ALL times. Not just some of the time. Excuses? Are for children and whiners.
 kayliecat
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 42
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History
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 5:59:50 AM
Oooh this is a good topic... and not a simple one.

Me... I experience a full range of emotions. So yes, anger is one of them. I do have a temper.

But the funny thing about me and anger is that it is almost always only surface deep. If someone pisses me off, and I don't mean in traffic, I will get angry. I will rant and rave. But then, 15 min later, I've moved on to something else and there is no sign of the anger I was feeling.

I am not what you would consider an angry person. Maybe dramatic, ok. Most people think of me as cheerful and happy. Most people never see my anger at all.

But like BigDJinx, I consider anger to be a very valid emotion. When my kids feel it, I let them. I work with them on how to express it appropriately. Throwing things, hitting, not constructive. Telling me WHY they are angry, telling me they are mad, is fine. Going to their rooms and screaming into a pillow, just fine.

I think the only person who really gets under my skin is my ex-husband. Sure other people/events make me mad...but not udner the skin. My ex-husband, well, I have so much built up resentment for the crap I went thru over the years. I haven't been able to find forgiveness or resolution so the anger is still there. Ask me why he makes me mad and you'll regret asking b/c your ears will fall off. And he can take me from happy to full out furious in about 15 seconds. I am hair trigger around him. I dont' like feeling this way, but again, I recognize it is from the years of resentment.

The funny thing is when we were married and had an argument, he and I were completely differetn w/our anger. He saw my anger as rejecting him and he couldn't see beyond that to deal with the actual problem. But in reality, I felt anger very specifically about a problem, not him. This was of course the result of his very toxic mother...who I'd describe as a viperous snake. Yeah she was fun. He grew up trying his hardest not to piss off mom b/c she'd turn and attack you if you did. I, on the other hand, grew up learnign that emotions are ok and valid and it's ok to express/feel them. This was a problem from teh first month we dated and never got better.

Again, when I get angry, it does not go beyond skin deep (exceptfor the ex-hub). I think this is partly because I am able to recognize that my anger is not *just* a feeling...it is a symptom of aproblem I have with something or someone. And once the problem is expressed or resolved, the anger dissapates rapidly. Until the problem is resolved, though, the anger will return when I think about the problem. IT's like...it motivates me to resolve what's going on inside my head or outside in my world.

And for that reason, i also think that anger can be useful. It is how we know that things are not alright. That there is a problem to take care of. That we are hurt inside and "bleeding" or fearful.

But anger that is out of control or that takes over our whole beings, gets under our skin, makes us irrational...that's when there is a problem with it. If you are so angry you can't see straight...then it has taken over you and you have lost control.

One other comment on anger is that we all have different, um, borders/triggers...trying to find the right word here. Let me think....dog is barking, I'm on cold meds, it's not even 9 am....life is tough. LOL

Different THRESHOLDS...that's the word I wanted. We all have different thresholds for what triggers feelings of anger.

And it has to do with our ability to withstand frustration, I think. I've seen people get really angry because their steak wasn't cooked right. Or their newspaper got wet in the rain. Stupid things will set some people off. Other people put up with an incredible amount of frustration and difficulty before they finally feel angry.

I don't know if that has to do with mood lability or what it is. SOmetimes, it is because other events in our lives overwhelm us to the point where it takes just one little thing more and we lose control of our emotions - our angry feelings. You know, the coffee is weak, traffic is heavy, your boss gives you an impossible assignment, an annoying coworker hijacks you to tell you a stupid story, your lunch date is late, your meal is yucky, etc.... A whole lot of little stuff builds up and then ONE MORE THING sets it off.

Or maybe you are dealing w/tough life events...too many bills, sick kids, a crazy exspouse, car breaking down, etc...It's just mroe than you can handle and so every little frustration in life sets you off...

So certainly life events can make someone more angry or more prone to get angry.

But also I do believe there is a personality component that some people are just more "moody". Feel more. More labile in their moods, more ups and downs. So those people get angry faster over things that don't bother the rest of us.

I've seen both types of angry people.

And...again, childhood makes a difference. Parents need to teach kids to tolerate incongruity. Tolerate frustration. Learn to persevere. Learn to express anger productively, constructively, adn then to move on and not let it take over their whole bodies.

Have you ever seen a child kick a toy because he couldn't get it to work? that's what I"m talking about...that's the same child who grows to be a man who kicks his car because it won't start...who curses up a storm at the dang car. This type of man can't relax, breathe, and use his problem solving skills to get the car going. Instead, he just gets angry and can't deal with the problem at all. Or...in an extreme case, he bashes in the windshield because it wont' start...he takes his anger out on the car. Yeah, stupid to most of us...but I do believe that happens and stems directly from not having the skills to express and deal with whatever is causing emotional distress (in this case, of course, the car not starting).

Anyway...those ar emy thoughts on anger. Scattered, unorganized, hey, blame the cold meds. LOL

BTW...I will say that NO POF posts have every truly made me angry. None have even come close. Maybe annoyed me...that's it though. Not even angry messages...(those I see as a learning opportunity, actually, or else they make me laugh)

Kaylie
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 43
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Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 6:00:31 AM

1. Are you an angry person? Do you *do* anger?
No, I'm not an angry person. Do I get angry? Of course. If anyone says they don't then there's something wrong.

Do I *do* anger?
Depends on what you mean by *do*.
I don't act out in destructive ways like throwing things or any other type of violence. I try to rectify the situation at hand like an adult with talking. I try to communicate what it was that made me angry. Sometimes I've succeeded sometimes not. But I'm a persistent person. I don't give up easily. This is how I deal with it.

Have I *said* something in anger? I'd be lying if I said I didn't and I think most people that I know *have* lashed out with words in a state of anger. But I think mostly it's frustration rather than anger though.

Mainly, I will get pissed off/peeved but full on rage?
That type of anger? No.
There are levels of anger, mild to intense.


How do you overcome the impulse to act in such a way (I assume that we all get pissed off sometimes, but it does not mean that we all *do anger*)?
If I find myself wanting to say something that I know I shouldn't say, I TRY to remember my grandmother telling me, "Less said, easiest mended when angry. Take a step back and think about it for just a minute." Hasn't always worked but nothing is 100% foolproof.
I have said some truly moronic things, made mistakes that I've not been successful in rectifying, but I do make the effort. I'm human and we are not foolproof.


How do you handle your anger in a relationship
Simple. Communication. I communicate my feelings and it's usually that my feelings have been hurt but...communication and that applies to any of my emotions....happy, sad, etc..


what is it that your partner can do to help you to overcome it?
Simple again, (at least in my mind) they can listen, I mean really listen when I'm communicating and then give me his opinion on it.


What are the things that make you angry?
The biggest one is when someone takes out of context what I've said/meant/done. When they put their own interpretation and misconstrue my words and will not listen when I attempt to define what I just said/meant.

Anger is an emotion that when left unchecked can and will destroy from the inside out. Can needlessly waste a portion of a persons life and I don't choose to waste any of mine running around angry. So, I deal with what it is, in the best way I know how, take a deep breath, learn from it and then put it away.
 laughinglibra
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 44
Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 7:12:19 AM
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

- Author unknown


 girldiver
Joined: 8/23/2007
Msg: 45
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Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 7:13:33 AM
What a germane topic and there have already been so many well-spoken posts. I would add that I think people have anger styles and everyone gets angry. Those styles may be ingrained from childhood. I know I grew up in an emotionally effusive family, both positive and sometimes negative, the quintessential Italian-style of emotional expression. Anger never lasted more than 15 minutes and then someone apologized and hugged. I felt loved growing up in this environment.

Unfortunately, I lost the ability to express ANY type of anger because I was in a very long relationship with someone who was always passive-aggressively angry, who sulked and seethed for days and weeks. If I tried to express my unhappiness or anger, it was always my fault something I did or said always caused him to be angry and no matter how badly my feelings were shattered, there was never an apology because in his mind, he was always right. It was a lot more important for him to be right than to be loved. Eventually my anger and resentment turned into a deep depression.

He was never close to his family and angry at them, even though all the other members of the family had resolved their differences and were on good terms. His family are not emotionally expressive people, rather cold and distant in their interactions. They were perfunctorily civil and so was my EX, but his anger was palpable to me no matter how much he denied it.

I suffered for many years living with an angry person and it has taken a long time for me to regain my confidence even to display a normal amount of irritation because of years of psychological punishment for my normal emotions.

If I sense that kind of seething anger in a potential relationship, I will cut if off. I will never abide something like that again. It damaged me and my children.
 RedCassandra
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 46
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Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 7:21:09 AM
More responses?
What a lovely day to start a morning....

For the most part, IMO, parents play a key role in children becoming angry adults and/or to “do anger” as adults.


I used to be an angry person due to a hellacious childhood and a natural hypersensitivity.

Here's some more info from the American Psychological Association site:
"People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications. "

As a sociologist, I tend to focus more on #2 and 3... but, I guess one should be able to understand the implications of # 1.


Again...back to our childhoods and the need to nurture, listen to, speak to and teach our children to communicate.
Protect them from the cycle.

I am thinking that same kind of nurturing is what adults need as well.
It might help one to break the cycle, no?


If I never know anger, I'll never notice happiness because I won't have anything in which to judge it against, or balnce it out to.

To me, the opposite of happiness is sadness... but, that's just how I see it.

What are things that make you angry? -- you mean besides surveys like these that try to pigeon hole people? Besides that?

Uhhhhmmm.... I don't really see that this post is trying to pigeon hole people... I tried to open a space for a discussion... more like an in-depth interview than a survey, if you wish.
I am sorry?


Now if I could only control my sarcasm so well...

Why would you do that? We love you just the way you are...

Here on POF, we have a rather heavy concentration of people who have experienced a great deal of loss through their divorces and even through dating with all of its high expectations and disappointments. Since anger is one of the stages of grief, it doesn't surprise me to see a lot of it in these forums.

That's a very good observation... did not think of that in such a way till now. Thank you.

First, I am angry that I'm angry cuz I don't like the feeling and secondly, I'm angry over something that I feel helpless to stop.

When I was more prone to *do anger*, I still did not like the feeling.
So, I would get angry at myself for getting angry.

I am quite angry at the moment, but that's because I'm looking after someone who's dying, so I'm generally raging against the "injustice" of life!

I am sorry.
Truth be told, I have no idea how would I handle such situation.
Even a thought about mortality of my parents brings tears...


We all have different thresholds for what triggers feelings of anger.

I do agree with this.
My own "not doing anger" had to do with changing the treshold... with setting the bar on entirely different level... with suddenly seeing things from a different perspective.

I posted about it in The Ripple Effect thread (http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts10041218.aspx):

I had a chance to meet a Holocaust survivor some time ago. He was in Mathauzen and Auswitchz. His father was killed in front of him when he was 12. He spoke about his experiences during the war, the anger that he felt afterwards. About the ways in which he tried to get revenge and how empty he felt.

And then he spoke about love and about learning to let go of his anger... About realizing that his anger was toxic to his own being, and that in order to heal he had to stop being angry and forgive those who imprisoned him and killed almost all of his family members and millions of others.

I just sat there... tears running down my face.

I went to my office and started thinking about what he said. And, I realized that if he was able to forgive (not to forget, but to forgive), who the hell am I to be angry about anything and at anyone?? I let go of my anger that day. I forgave those who wronged me, and I felt that my own heart was hurting less. I started healing.

I don't do anger since that day. I just don't.
For my own sake...

^^^ That happened almost two years ago... and since that day I never really experience lasting anger that would cause me to act out of control...
In those rare moments when I was upset, I would see that man's face in front of me and it would calm me down instantly. Like a guardian angel, in a way.

Thank you for your thoughts.

 sugar62law
Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 47
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Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 7:36:49 AM
Sorry peeps, but those of you that say you "don't do anger" guess again. Yes you do, you have just managed to find a way to suppress it... Whether that is good or bad, right or wrong it totally up to you......
I completely agree with BiGDaddyJinx. We have to take everything in pairs. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the anger, irritation, elation, it is all part of life.
I see anger in many different ways. I see the cause and effects of anger in my everyday life. Has it made me an angry person? At times yes. I rage at the injustices done to our loved ones, by someones greed, or perverse ideals. I also rage at the drivers in the fast lane doing 50 mph because they cannot be bothered by the merging traffic in the right lane. (or whatever for some of you,LOL) We all have anger.....It is how we deal with it that matters.... Do I yell? HELL YA..... Do I get physical? Only in the making up afterwards...LOL

Sugar
 kittenhere
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 48
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Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 7:38:35 AM
I think everyone get angry at times. there is no such thing as a person who never gets angry.

1. Are you an angry person? Do you *do* anger?
Why? because you cannot control it

What do you accomplish when acting out of anger? Nothing its just a release. better to let it out then keep it built up inside.

What are the things that make you angry? stupidity of someone.

When was the last time you acted that way and what did you do? few days ago and i threw my gps as hard as I could.

How do you handle your anger in a relationship, and what is it that your partner can do to help you to overcome it? My husband discusses the problem with me as to why im angry and we work things out. He never shows anger like me thank god lol. he just sits wtih me and we talk utnil all is fixed and good again. I wish I could control my anger like him.

The reason i threw my gps is becuase i had bad day i was broke down in my vehicle which alreayd had me mad then my hubby uses my gps and i cant get my screen back to clear the route and i felt it was because of what he done to it. he does not know how to work one and when he messes with it i assume its his fault its not working properly. I needed it to find a part store and i couldnt get the clear route screen to come up. So I lost it. I have told him not to push buttons when he dont know what he is doing. I siad something and he replied soemthing stupid which caused me to lose control. But after he saw my deep anger he stopped car and we talked and worked things out. In the end i apologized for my fit and he told me to forget it. it was ok.
 verityone
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 49
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Anger in a relationship, or in life in general...
Posted: 11/8/2008 8:45:41 AM
Humans get angry. I'm human, and do get angry sometimes, but it takes a lot.
I'm quite weary of people who claim that they don't get angry. I can't think of a single person that I know well that doesn't ever get angry.

Anger is a reflex to an emotion. To suggest that you don't ever become angry is to suggest that you are lacking certain emotions. Anger is mostly triggered by pain, hurt, frustration, confusion, being overwhelmed etc...

How someone manages their anger is the point of contention for me. No matter how angry I am, I can still communicate calmly and respectfully, and still fully communicate what I'm upset about.

I also agree with a previous poster that passive aggressive behaviour is an insidious manifestation of anger, and a cowardly one. It's a lingering emotion. I find it's effects, much further reaching than someone merely getting openly upset.

Shutting down and walking away, unless for a brief period, is a control tactic. Controlling the other person by not allowing them to communicate to you. It should only be used as a last resort, when someone is clearly beyond being rational.

I think the main problems that are the concerns are when anger leads to hostility, histrionics, irrationality or violence. But those are manifestations of anger, and based very much on the individual.
 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 50
Use of Anger to get On'es Way? (manipulation tactic..)
Posted: 11/8/2008 9:26:53 AM
I generally do NOT get angry because it feels very emotionally draining and not productive..

however there ARE people who can use anger to get their way..people become so afraid of them blowing their tops that they will give in to them constantly to AVOID them "going ballistic"..

In that sense I am sure there are manypeople who "use" anger as a manipulation and control mechanism.

they can get angry and virtually imply or threaten phyisical violence/intimidation.

funny how I have noticed this used a LOT more against physically smaller or weaker people, whom the bully assumes is afraid of them.

I don't believe, in mots cases, that it is "uncontrollable anger" because the same people RARELY would get that way with someone like Mike Tyson, a Gracie brother (MMA champs) or a cop wearing a gun, Taser, & Mace, for example..

so anger CAN "work" for some people..in a sense..until people just start avoiding them totally.

also you see MANY 'angry' people on POF because it is much easier to display anger at a remote distance (over the internet, e-mail, or telephone) than it is face-to-face, in person.

(doesn't take much courage to get 'angry' here..)
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