| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/9/2008 1:36:17 PM | For the same reason some women get upset if their boyfriend/hubby wants to watch porn while making love.. having sex. They feel inadequate in some way, not that they are but that's how they feel. Men and women both need to get over their "teachings" and feel very secure in themselves before they can expand enough to enjoy more of the sexual aspects to lovemaking.
Much of being able to open up sexually depends on the partner and how comfortable and secure they are in the relationship itself. You can't rag on your mate on a steady basis and then expect them to be open. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/9/2008 2:21:02 PM | The fact that he doesn't even want to discuss it makes it even worse. That is a lack of communication and a big red flag in my book.
Obviously, your sexual needs/tastes are not in line. Personally, that is important to me in a relationship. I learned that the unhappy way and NO longer will I put up with it.
Eventually, the wife will express her desire to leave and the man will not understand. Don't ignore your wife when she starts suggesting new things in the bedroom. Eventually it will lead to a bigger problem.
A toy is simply an aid and enhancement. There is no way a toy can replace a man, but if he refuses to communicate, it will end up that way.
As far as communication you are right but only when it comes to sex. we communicate all other aspects of life but sex he seems to want to not discuss it.
Hmmm, that's what I said about my relationship too. In the end analysis I realized that I was full of sh*t and that we never "really" communicated. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/9/2008 3:25:29 PM | I find it vastly appalling that so many are so quick to jump on him for his refusal to even talk about it, but most are ignoring the fact that she was the one that never talked about it til AFTER they were married. Villify HIM while ignoring HER poor decision at the same time. How fascinating, and reeking of double standard much?
Hello kettle...this is pot calling. 
That's not much different than finding out, AFTER you're married that the love of your life, "Jane" as you know her, was actually "Jim" 5 years earlier, before "the procedure".
She failed just as much as he did, or ever could. Both get a big, fat "F" for communication skills. 
As far as the introduction of toys into lovemaking...I don't see the issue, as long as it was mentioned and discussed prior to involvement, and accepted as it is. Assuming a man would be cool with it is arrogant and presumptive. Not all men would be cool with it, be it in a relationship or a marriage. This is why it pays to communicate these things well in advance, so you can avoid dumb scenarios like this from ever taking place.
Personally, I don't have a huge hangup with it. I even bought my ex a vibrator for the specific intent for us to incorporate it into our sessions...on occasion. If it's a 100% thing, where they are used all the time, now that even I'd have to admit I'd have an issue with. All good things in moderation, right? My ex and I used her toys occasionally, and we both enjoyed it. But this wasn't an "every time" situation. Without its inclusion, we still enjoyed sex just as much. The toy's use was more a "mood" thing. If we were in the mood for its use, it'd be included (provided batteries were ready). If we weren't, it didn't get used. No harm, no foul.
Some men simply see it as a no-no thing, and will have nothing to do with it in any way. That's their right, and their choice. No different that her saying that "back door" games are off limits for example. Her choice, her right to say so.
Pays to communicate often, and early on. I couldn't stress that anymore if I tried. I'm hoping sooner or later the rest of the world will catch up to those of us that understand that principle...
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/9/2008 3:37:14 PM | | I said he knew I used the toy before marriage when he was not around. Its not like he didnt know I had one. I talked with him about it earlier and he said it doesnt bother him he jsut jokes with me. well taht is not what he told me the first time i tried to use it. he siad he dont like toys. today he tells me to do what I want. If i like toy...use it. I told him I want his participation. As far as me using my own hand/fingers well i dont get excited using my own hands . its not a turn on for me. I can have orgasm that way but its not fun. I want his hand/fingers ...not mine. kind of like a man dont want to use his hand he wants the woman's hand. Its much more exciting. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/9/2008 3:43:40 PM |
I said he knew I used the toy before marriage when he was not around. Its not like he didnt know I had one. I talked with him about it earlier and he said it doesnt bother him he jsut jokes with me. well taht is not what he told me the first time i tried to use it. he siad he dont like toys. today he tells me to do what I want. If i like toy...use it. I told him I want his participation.
Kitten -- knowing that she has one, and knowing that she wants/expects group participation are two TOTALLY different things, and you're old enough to know that.
It's one thing to know that she has a toy that she uses on herself when someone else ain't around. It's another thing entirely to have her expect participation once someone IS around. If that's what she wants, she needs to let him know and they need to DISCUSS it well beforehand.
If he doesn't wanna participate, it's not his fault. He woulda told her the same thing had she brought it up as an adult would've, long before now. Then it'd be her choice if she wants to continue seeing him and feel put out/disappointed/frustrated, or walk away.
Communication...it's not just a buzzword.
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/9/2008 3:48:44 PM | | I will not make him do anything he does not want. If he dont want to use it thats fine i simply want to know why he dont want me using it....with or without him. That was the point to the whole thread. why he dont like toys. However after our talk today i think he is gonna work with me on this..starting tonight. Atleast thats how he made it sound. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/9/2008 5:37:09 PM | ^^^like daddyjinx said - communication.... (and you're totally right jinx, she is just as bad for not communicating in the beginning either - I don't think many people saw kitten's later posts)
Sounds like your talk wasn't really much of a talk "at least that's how he made it sound".
If you really had a proper conversation about this, you would be sure of what he meant. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/9/2008 6:15:47 PM | Sounds like he is insecure, if he is jelous over a "toy" , hes got problems.I dont get why some men cant just relax and learn from the lessons we try to teach them. I hate when a man thinks he "knows it all" when it comes to pleasing a women....... all women are different when it comes to what pleases us ..... | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/9/2008 6:15:50 PM | He has no experience with them as far as i can tell and unwilling to even try. - kittenhere
He has no experience with them as far as i can tell and unwilling to even try.
Apparently the problem is that what you want/need, is outside of your partner's comfort zone. Perhaps you should've mentioned your
problem to him, before
You see I have never in my entire life had one orgasm from intercourse alone.
If you'd been upfront from the beginnig, you would've been able to discuss it, or come to the conclusion that you were not going to be
sexually compatible, before it got to this point. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/9/2008 6:22:38 PM | I don't care if my women uses toys.Like dildos etc...i don't care if they give her orgasms.Because i know ill make her cum to.I just don't agree with a women using a strapon on me lol.women keep there toys to there self.I would not mind my women using a pocket **** on my penis though.I think toys make it better. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/10/2008 5:48:04 AM | this morning my hubby told me to be prepared for tonight. spare atleast 5 hrs of my time for us tongiht. cant help but wonder what he is gonna do for 5 hrs. intercourse normally only last 10 minutes. I guess our talk has made him think about things. Oh and last night he did let me use toy. But I'm looking forward to tonight.
Thanks again for all who responded to this thread. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/10/2008 6:49:36 AM | You marrried a guy before you worked this "issue" out? Maybe you should bring him to the brink of orgasim and not let him finish a few times so he can "feel" what its like to have sex without orgasim. Maybe a good soft core movie, like Nina Hartleys sex education tape, or even read Karma Sutra together so maybe he will take a hint that sex is to be shared and enjoyed by both parties.
If none of that worked..... I would purchase him a c o c k ring with a small vib attached, and keep my leggs crossed unless he used it! | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/12/2008 9:46:36 AM | Are you going to keep us guessing? How did your 5 hours go?
lol we had to cancel for good reason. but i will let ya know once we get it done..whatever he has planned. As to our talk all seems to have went well. He said he will do whatever I want including oral so be prepared. right now he is working 12 hr dyas but he is off on sundays. So the long hrs thing will prob happen then on his off day. my guess is he is gonna buy something to keep him hard longer. I shall see | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/12/2008 7:51:21 PM | Like many of the posters, I believe communication is critical; and I am thrilled that he was willing to communicate, willing to let you use your toy, and willing to go down on you. Sounds like a little communication went a long way. It also sounds like you need to make it a point to communicate directly, and to the point, frequently.
I'll be honest, the fact that you have never had an orgasm with him, and he isn't freaking out about THAT worries me. Also, his yelling F*CK! when he heard the toy, and your putting it away immediately, really really worried me. Has he ever hit you? If he has, forget everything else, and leave now. If he hasn't please forgive my paranoia; it's just that yelling for effect like that gets me very uncomfortable.
As far as ways to introduce toys to your love making goes, some ways include:
Have HIM use the toy on you. You can let him hold the toy, and you can place your hand on his, and show him how to touch you with it. Or you could have him place his hand over yours, while you use the toy on yourself. I find both of these methods very instructive; and a total turn on.
Also, while giving him instructions on how to use the toy, or how to go down on you, ALWAYS use POSITIVE language. By that I mean NEVER say "Not so hard" or "Not so fast" etc. Say, "Softer" or "That feels good...a little softer" of "Thats even better, now a little softer." or "A little slower"
By saying "NOT" this or NOT that you are telling him he is doing it wrong, which might send the wrong message. By saying "Softer" or "Slower" you're telling him he could make it better. Guys LOVE to make things better, they hate to be told they are doing it wrong. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/13/2008 4:55:14 AM | | my husband would not hurt a fly much less me lol. He is coming around to the toy thing. I didnt tell him he was diong anything wrong. I simply told him I want him to try things he dont do. He might like new things. And yes he wants to use toy on me. He is coming around slowly lol. He and his ex never done anything but regualr plain sex. But he is willing to do whatever I want, which is good sign for me lol. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/13/2008 5:35:58 AM | If toys are involved, well that's just more pepper for the pasta so bring it on. Sex should be fun.
I have a vibrating 'cock-ring' which always get's a good 'tickle' from the girls, if they're up for it well hey, I'm all for it
I dont understand how or why anyone could be sexually threatened by an inanimate or otherwise lifeless object. I have a good 'size' on me so I dont have any insecurities there and can find a clitoris within a split second too, what's the big deal.
I'm not 'boasting', I'm very easily misunderstood I'm just being direct and to the point.
That's my two cents. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/13/2008 5:45:04 AM | | I think some guys feel intimidated or want to feel in control of the situation and don't like it that they didn't think of it first. Actually I would think most guys would be thrilled that you weren't shy and brought them out! Maybe they're scared you want to use them on them! LOL! | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/13/2008 5:55:12 AM | | I kinda agree to that ms fritzle becuase he was married 12 yrs to same woman and they never tried anyting. just same ol sex everynight. I have mentioned to him that i'm not his ex wife. He understands and seems to be willing to try to do whatever I want as long as it isnt something outrageous. I belive he feels like he cant satisfy me and it bothers him which in return is why he gets alittle angry. He is also rather shy. He isnt really angry at me but at himself i think. But with a bit of work on my part I think I can help with situation..jsut might take some time. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/13/2008 10:56:56 AM |
my husband would not hurt a fly much less me lol...I didnt tell him he was diong anything wrong. However, in another thread you posted...
Lovemaking is suppose to feel good not make ya want to cry so to speak. I have told my hubby to not do that to me and if he does it again he is gonna get off me and I will make him do without for a friggin month. You not only told him, absolutely and directly, that he did something wrong, you THREATENED to PUNISH him! Punishing someone by withholding sex is bull$hit. I sincerely hope you all are able to work through your issues; and it sounds like you are well on your way. However, using sex as a tool, or as a threat, is one way of guaranteeing the relationship goes to crap, and the sex dries up completely. I can see why you kept trying to stress how great the rest of the relationship is; and that bad sex, or no sex, wouldn't end it. My bet is you've already experienced this in another relationship. You've already experienced this, at least once, in this relationship. He goes down on you; you "for my own reasons" stopped him; he doesn't go down on you any more. You CANNOT PUNISH people with, for, or during sex; AND have a healthy relationship. By stopping him, without explaining why, you, in effect, punished him. Sex can be a very fragile relationship; especially with fragile people. COMMUNICATION is critical. If you have a problem during, about, or over, sex, it is very important that you discuss it fully. It is also very important that anything you do about that problem relate directly to the problem. Withholding sex, as a punishment, for anything in NEVER acceptable. Good luck. | |
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| men disapproving of toys as addition in lovemaking
Posted: 11/13/2008 11:05:39 AM | | that post was not aobut sexual spanking it was about actually punching someone. And yes if a man cant respect a woman sexually then they dont deserve to have them sexually now do they. If you dont like soemthing why should you have to have it? and if he cant respect that then dont let him have it. and belive me if i have to punish him he will know why | |
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