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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/17/2008 7:26:20 AM |
As soon as you enter the relationship, sooner of later, the unhealed aspects of yourself will be brought to light, is is inevitable. How you both learn to help each other to heal is the matter of your conscious mind. If you are unconscious, it will become negative, destructive, and abusive, it there is more consciousness in the relationship, there are higher chances of being 'healed'. Both of you, male and female, or partners if you are in homosexual relationship, are going to experience the dark side of yourself. Both of you are human, and will need the healing in the relationship.
Thank you very much for posting this! Very good insight and how it explains so much when involved in any type of relationship. Thanks again! | |
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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/17/2008 11:51:31 AM | 10 of 6 - I would have replied directly in an e-mail, but you require someone to live closer to you, so here goes.
you say in your profile that you offer "kindness." your rude comment as you ponder my s/n is anything but kind! but then, you're just so much smarter than everyone else for your age, aren't you? that is also in your self-serving profile.
FYI, in case you need help figuring out my s/n, the "Sassy" part means I stand up for myself and reply to crude comments made by people such as yourself.
And, in closing, apparently "any monkey with a computer can publish something" because YOU did!  | |
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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/17/2008 12:47:56 PM | I strongly believe that signes of jealousy right off the bat are the biggest red flag!
Jealous people are angry people and need to learn how to recognize their behavior.
Especially if they are jealous and have had to much to drink!!!
Sorry OP, although I probably on some level respect your opinion, I staunchly disagree. I was abused. I was severely abused physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally and NOT one of those things had a damn thing to do with drinking or jealousy. He was stone-colded sober, he was secure in himself, he was just a damned abuser. I was NO victim however, I played the game. I'm sorry you view this so closed-minded, but not ALL abusers need insecurity or a substance of choice, or other personality traits to be plain old azz-holes. There may be red-flags often times , BUT....if you think this ONE sentence is a red-flag, you are so mistaken. "You have a beautiful face.........BUT." That was all it took for me to completely submit to losing 50 pounds, re-evaluating who my friends/family/co-workers, etc., were and they all ceased to exist because of that one sentence. I viewed it as him trying to "improve" me. HAHHAHA ~ God I was a moron when I was younger. We broke up, once those things were "in line" with his thinking, we were together again. It doesn't take substance or violence to be abused ~ although I will agree, that often times those "small" things lead to abuse of some sort? Today, I think him for that injustices I allowed. I'd be so lost today had I not gone through that idiocy. Bless his heart that he gave me enough strength to say, "F**k you." in the end. Oh, and I have a wonderful son thanks to his DNA ~ that's enough for me to be thankful. You really shouldn't pigeon-hole all abusers into the same cage ~ NONE are the same, and none of us (male or female) who exist under those conditions, are the same, either. I hope you gained some insight from these posters ~ it's not as you seem to assume in post #1. Best of luck to you. (And men are just as abused as women, I think that is sorely overlooked too often.) Oh, and it took him over three years to actually "hit" me ~ it has nothing to do with "extreme violence" ~ it just is sometimes. JMO
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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/17/2008 8:12:30 PM | poster u kinda contradict yourself here by saying first of all quote :{I strongly believe that signes of jealousy right off the bat are the biggest red flag!
Jealous people are angry people ......}
and then later on u said :{It’s normal to feel jealous now and then}
the truth is most people in life will act jealous at one moment or another.im not talking about psycho -jealous im talking about healthy normal human behavior.for example u come home from work and u find your girlfriend wrestling with a stranger one the couch and they seem like they were having fun.theyre laughing and giggling and stuff.she then tells u that its a guy she works with and he just stopped over to say hi.now are u seriously gonna tell me any normal guy wouldnt feel jealous right there or a bit upset about what he saw?
wouldnt have some sort of jealous emotion?any one who wouldnt would either not care much for his gf or would be an idiot.now if the guy then proceeds to hit his gf then yes thats a sign that hes abusive and something is wrong with him and its not normal behavior.but if the guy simply just gets upset and talks to his gf about how he didnt like what he saw then nothing is wrong with it.
i believe the biggest red flag to a man being an abusive person is usually being extremely jealous.meaning the women cant even talk to a guy in public without him getting upset.or when there is verbal abuse.i think usually the verbal abuse is a warning sign to the phisical abuse.if a man starts to disrespect his gf.meaning call her names and make her feel bad about herself.put her self-esteem down then thats a major red flag. | |
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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/19/2008 7:18:28 AM | bathurstguy09
poster u kinda contradict yourself here by saying first of all quote :{I strongly believe that signes of jealousy right off the bat are the biggest red flag!
Rereading the OP I really don’t see him contradicting himself but stating that both types of jealousy exists. Something that I too had a hard time understanding. What others refer to “normal jealousy” I call being concern about the actions of yourself (your feeling about the other party) and the actions of her.
It’s normal to feel jealous now and then, but we can’t keep someone from having other friends. No one has the right to control whom we see or whom we choose as friends.
The OP then goes on to explain why abnormal jealousy is also a type of control i.e. action by stating that no one does have a right to ban others from us simply in the name of jealousy.
Communicating these “concerns” would bring about a more deeper understanding about how both people feel and allow choices to help bring some change or acceptance of their behavior. Normal jealousy normal concern about the relationship is something we all do and it in it’s self can help the relationship become stronger whenever these concerns are brought to light and discussed between both parties.
I strongly believe that signes of jealousy right off the bat are the biggest red flag!
Jealous people are angry people and need to learn how to recognize their behavior.
Especially if they are jealous and have had to much to drink!!!
I too agree that “abnormal jealousy” (see Post 58) is a very big concern and also a red flag that could or would dictate future behavior from that person in question. I also know that those persons who are emotionally more stable and secure in themselves will see this type of abnormal jealousy sooner then later in a new relationship. They would be able to do something about it before one becomes more emotionally involved with a person who shows these traits of “abnormal jealousy”. | |
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TPNW
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Joined: 3/15/2008
Msg: 85 | |
| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/28/2008 8:35:22 PM | Jealousy in someone who is not violent is represented as sadness. The majority of the time that type of person will leave you for how the relationship makes them feel. This is because so many people are not ready to deal with or have the courage to discover just what the jealousy is about or how to relieve it
Jealousy is a natural human emotion felt by all. It doesnt mean they are angry or violent. Those that are angry in jealousy simply forgot how to express their true emotion. Which is sadness. You might lose something you really like. Children get angry, adults that emotionally developed get sad from jealous feelings.
Jealousy isnt a good red flag. Raising your voice at your partner in the first stages is. So its anger that is the sign not jealousy. | |
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TPNW
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Joined: 3/15/2008
Msg: 86 | |
| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/28/2008 8:43:39 PM | There always tends to be one superhuman who claims they dont get jealous. I think that the signs of a violent person are rather clear to see. If they like violence then they will probably be violent if you push the right button. Pushing that button is bound to happen over time.
Im no expert on this but not all jealous people are violent psychopaths. Of the women that I know that have been jealous with me they always cry. They cry for two reasons they are afraid of loosing something they really like and they are ashamed they cant love me the way I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be trusted but that doesnt mean Ihave no tolerance for jealousy.
I think you are quick to judge people on this. The fact remains that most people who really care for someone get jealous at some point or another and sometimes for good reason. | |
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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/29/2008 1:56:13 PM | I think there is healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy.
Healthy jealousy is being jealous of your friend who gets to go on a trip (oh I wish that was me), but the jealousy is for one minute and after that you are just as excited as your friend about her going (I can live vicariously through her, and one day I will go too!). Or jealous because your guy is getting all this attention from other women, then the next minute you are extremely happy and thinking "I'm with him"!
Healthy jealousy also involves telling your partner how you feel without getting out of hand. I've never felt "angry" jealous and don't understand that. The only time I've been really really jealous is when a mate was paying attention to someone that he cheated with shortly after - so my jealousy was right on the money anyway. Prior to that, I cannot remember ever being jealous where it was a problem we had to address when I was with him.
Again, for me it all boils down to acknowledgement of your behaviour. | |
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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/30/2008 6:32:49 PM |
UHH BDJ? would that be the same smoke that your blowing up your poor lil masochistic girls ass?
Ok, that statement was completely out of line and has no bearing on this topic AT ALL. I was sure I made it quite clear I'm not interested in your bait, and this commentary was over the line. FYI - any further inflammatory commentary like that crap quoted will be reported immediately. Consider it a first, last and ONLY warning...
Savvy?  | |
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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/30/2008 7:03:18 PM | Abusers are charmers. They have to be. If they started out wearing their 'true colours' they'd have less success tagging their prey. It's a game to them, a sick game .. sometimes deadly, but that's all it is - to them, a game. They do and say exactly what they need to do and say to get their prey where they need them before the first shove, slap, punch, kick ...
In a Good, Healthy relationship Both partners should be happy, 'safe' with each other at least. If you're afraid, intimidated, confused = Seek outside counsel, but not on this site .. and so as not to be a hypocrate .. that includes me.
I just know that I've learned to pay attention to Actions first, words are meaningless without action .. and some people talk in their sleep. There are subtle signs that aren't really that subtle, if you pay attention to your 'gut'.. That 'tension' in the air, that side glance .. frowning at you, rolling their eyes .. easily frustrated with little things .. anger issues, stalking, narcissistic behaviour, princess syndrome ... females Can and Do abuse males as well.. Anyway, those 'issues' are not healthy ingredients for a good relationship and in some cases can and have led to serious abuse. I know I want someone I feel good with and who feels good with me.. being our own selves.. Free and happy with each other.
Attitude becomes thought becomes word becomes action
I hope if 'you' are living in fear or abuse that you will leave and find your peace and freedom. Before that, I hope that if you 'know' you are heading down 'that' road, you will Stop now, knowing you can Not change that person, no matter how much you love them, You can't change them..I'm not sure if some abusers can be reformed and others not .. I dont know. I do know it is Not the victims fault .. and it would be nice if we lived in a world where people learned to love themselves and had healthy self=esteem .. | |
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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:31:34 PM | quote from u :{'I break off relationships where the date I am with is jealous, this is my belief'}
well not sure what kind of degree of jealousy you mean when u say that.
most normal people when they like someone a lot have some sort of jealous response at one point or another when theyre dating someone.its just called being human and having emotions.if u freak out at the first sign of jealousy from the person your dating then u might be making a serious mistake and risk loosing a great person that might never be abusive to u or be controlling at all. | |
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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/22/2009 10:29:25 PM | | jealousy, controlling behavior, put downs/insults, grabbing your arm, pushing,using their body to intimidate (like get right up in your face), yelling, rearing back to hit you and stopping, anger boiling noticably 'below the surface' (seething), separating you from your friends and/or family,moving you geographically to a different city/state.. ..all of these are bad signs and all of them can be indicitive of escalating violence. And yes, I'd say run away and don't look back. (some of these individually, while not pleasant, may not be an abuser..but some even by themselves are for sure..) | |
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| Warning signs:Physical abuse in a relationship rarely starts out as severe violence.
Posted: 11/23/2009 2:50:31 AM | Heck, even control freaks who show no signs of violence are not good relationship/marriage material. If you know what you are looking for, these people can oftentimes be weeded-out in the dating process within a couple of dates.
Also, even healthy people can be jealous and even get mad. It's how those emotions are handled that determine the level of sanity.
It's not so much what happens to you in life, but how you react to it that is important | |
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