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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 7:54:52 PM | | lord if it has come to that in four months can you really see yourself spending a life time with her? I mean come on, you didn't make it 4 months before she made you nuts. move on, stop missing the sex and find another one. next time talk to her folks, and friends and see what your buying... | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 8:06:32 PM | This is EXACTLY why I say ... everyone should live together for at least one year ... BEFORE they get married.
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^^^^ .... I sooooo want to slap you !!! | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/15/2008 8:10:05 PM | | imma bored lol.................................................................................................................................................... | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 29 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/16/2008 2:34:14 PM | What is wrong with people? ^^^^^ Who talks like this about someone they love? This isn't some random chick from a bar looking for one night stand...its was the first time either of us felt REAL love and experienced REAL love from a partner...THAT'S why running into such a unique problem was so difficult to just pickup and leave from. Pleeeese if you don't have anything helpful/supporting to say, or just like dis-respecting women.. post it somewhere else.
I have read the threads on BPD relationships on this message board and others, but wanted to see if my situation was unique, and I should keep trying, and not walk away just yet..... | |
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Posted: 11/16/2008 2:42:43 PM | | it will work only if she wants to. mental unbalances will distort the real her making alot of difficulties. i have before and missed, no matter the super villian she was when she broke my heart. you miss her because you genuinely care. i can't answer for her since she won't know herself. move on and find someone that can handle you. your ex can't handle you. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/16/2008 3:47:03 PM | Wc8
I was in a relationship like yours, she wasen't a cutter,never abused as a child, has a rich family and everything. On top of her personality disorder (which she still denies) she has a cocaine addiction (binge user). We were on again off again, and I too had the same thoughts and feelings you do right now. I don't do drugs and it hurt everytime I watched her do it and go for like 2 days without quitting. I was afraid she would die or od? Then I would just leave and not be around her when I could tell she was going on another binge and not watch over her, and then be blamed for everything ,and called me everything under the sun. She was verbally abusive and physical at times.
I always believed that love would prevail and she would see that I cared for her so much, but between the drugs and herself it didn't happen. I was the farthest thing from her.
You will always feel that you could have done this or done that, and you could have made it work, but the truth is you already have done so much, and then you start to lose yourself, and you have been living and loving someone else so much that you have sacrificed yourself, and then you feel empty when it is gone. It is part of this madness in this kind of relationship, the personalites are very cunning and confusing and don't want you to ever figure them out, and want you under thier control. They say that this is walking on eggshells, now there is no more eggs to walk on. Somewhere inside of her is the person you fell in love with,and she will always remember and love you as well, but it is the other side that won't allow her to have you,or herself.
You ever want to talk , message me. | |
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Posted: 11/16/2008 3:53:22 PM | I think it is normal to feel loss, hurt, sadness at a failed relationship - and perhaps even a sense of being cheated, because it wasn't what you thought you were getting. Unfortunately the problem with 'fast lane' relationships, or whirlwind romances, is the majority of the time they're the ride of your life at first - like the highest peaks of a rollercoaster track - but then often they twist and turn, and then you plunge quickly.
Hopefully it will have taught you to be wary of taking internet romances at face value, and instead getting to know someone more gradually at least. It's a lesson I learnt a long time ago, and I'm now wary of 'crash n' burn' instant relationships. But even I understand how easy it is to get swept up in an online connection, the momentum of hitting it off with someone on the internet. Just remember that the words on the screen and the photo are only part of the story, and while some may be exactly as they seem, many more hide what they don't want people to see - until they're in deeper, and in your case, living together - so unable to hide their problems anymore. | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 33 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/16/2008 4:06:58 PM | | ^^^ Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences Ceasar and Sapphiresteel. I finally don't feel so alone in this situation. My family and friends think I'm nuts for even talking to her now.. I think I'm going to take some time and reflect on WHY I let this this happen in the first place. I want to make certain I take what I learned from this, and move forward with as little regret as possible. Hopefully time will put this all in perspective. After talking with her today, and finding out she has food poisoning, and is extremely sick, this first thing i want to do is help.... juuust have toooo reeesist thee urge to phone her! | |
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Posted: 11/16/2008 4:10:35 PM |
juuust have toooo reeesist thee urge to phone her!
The recommended advice is NO CONTACT. You will NEVER get resolution, an explanation or understanding from HER. | |
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Posted: 11/16/2008 4:37:37 PM | | OP the only thing I would suggest is that if you really miss her and want to be with her, then you have your answer. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/16/2008 4:57:00 PM | If she wants to change her life she has to recognize she needs help. Firstly , does she do recreational drugs, alcohol, cigarettes? .. these will all play a role in chemical imbalance . Diet is the biggee as well as seeing a good gynocologist and endocrinoligist as most of these symptoms have an organic base that should be addressed ... I dunno how old she is but stress and hormone imbalances will alter the brain of someone who is already on cortisol overload... I am betting that a massive change in diet, stress management and increased exercise will offer dramatic behavioural results... She also needs to see a psychiatrist to start dealing with the deeper reasons of why she is cutting, this is not a life long affliction ... addressing everything as long as the desire is there to change and to begin the very difficult first steps to change.... her life will turn around, if she steers it around.
I believe that her family disowning her is a good indication of either neglect or people who are afraid of her due to drug use or some other form of behaviour that has led them in the past to enabling ..
I am certain that change will not occur unless she changes .. so your distance may change her if you see it in her. If she loves herself she will do the work, if you love her you will step back to watch her take her life back.... and maybe you can be a couple then as two healthy people. Good luck, she may lose the connection being here that we all look for .. the real deal ......... and you are the real deal. | |
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Posted: 11/16/2008 5:19:32 PM | ive dated a few women in the past who had some kinda mental disorder and/or twisted thinking. yet they were very charming, captivating, etc. all wanted me to live with them, and like you, within a short time of knowing each other. but smelling a dead fish before it dies.. ..i would not live with em. proved to be an excellent call too. as one poster mentioned...denial... and you are never going to win over it.... | |
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Wc8
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Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 38 | |
| What to do now?
Posted: 11/16/2008 5:49:34 PM |
If she wants to change her life she has to recognize she needs help. Firstly , does she do recreational drugs, alcohol, cigarettes? .. these will all play a role in chemical imbalance . Diet is the biggee as well as seeing a good gynocologist and endocrinoligist as most of these symptoms have an organic base that should be addressed ... I dunno how old she is but stress and hormone imbalances will alter the brain of someone who is already on cortisol overload... I am betting that a massive change in diet, stress management and increased exercise will offer dramatic behavioural results... She also needs to see a psychiatrist to start dealing with the deeper reasons of why she is cutting, this is not a life long affliction ... addressing everything as long as the desire is there to change and to begin the very difficult first steps to change.... her life will turn around, if she steers it around.
I believe that her family disowning her is a good indication of either neglect or people who are afraid of her due to drug use or some other form of behaviour that has led them in the past to enabling ..
I am certain that change will not occur unless she changes .. so your distance may change her if you see it in her. If she loves herself she will do the work, if you love her you will step back to watch her take her life back.... and maybe you can be a couple then as two healthy people. Good luck, she may lose the connection being here that we all look for .. the real deal ......... and you are the real deal.
First thing is yes her diet is bad. She eats really healthy, prefers organic, but regularly takes 6 hours before getting food in herself after waking up, and then waiting another 6 hrs before meal 2. I get on her for this cause Im a nutritionist, and work out, and see how much of a difference food makes on blood sugar levels and insulin. I just recently got her powdered multivitamins cause she cant stand capsules.
Drinking is her weakness. Once a week, or more at the beginning of the relationship she'd drink till she couldn't remember anything the next morning. Her body has become less tolerant, and she gets sick for days after wards now (halloween was the last time).
The cutting is something I'd like to understand more of, but its not something she like to talk about. She has put herself in the hospital, and due the support around (ME) they let her go into my care. I really wish i could have taken advantage of that opportunity to have the physcologist spend more time with us. | |
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Posted: 11/16/2008 6:16:28 PM | wc8: What I am hearing you say, but not actaully saying, is that you are hopeful you can *fix* her so that the good parts of her remain but you are able to get rid of the personality disorder.
You want and hope for reassurance that there is a way to make this work.
You want to FIX the problem.
My honest opinion... You can't. You will not be able to fix her disorder to make her a good mate. Can she? After years of therapy and determination to be mentally healthy, who knows. DBT therapy has been found to be helpfl in borderlines. It basically teaches them coping techniques. Helps them to ID their emotions, label them, and techniques for dealing iwth them.
You are not a therapist. Even with talking to a therapist, you can't take her home and cure her disorder. You just can't.
My advice... The absolute only way you should or could risk a ltr with her would be for her to first commit to a minimum of 2 years weekly therapy w/a therapist trained in dbt therapy and very experienced w/borderlines...and at that point 6 months of couples therapy while she continues her individual therapy.
If and that' s a big IF, it makes a difference... you could then date and see if you want to try to have a healthy relationship.
You've already said that she won't take meds and is defensive and all the toher stuff that goes w/being borderline. So will she do this? NO, I doubt it. But, again, that's the only way I'd risk it.
Great girl or not, you have to take care of YOU too. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship and if she isn't willing to commit to getting healthy then don't be with her. I don't care if she is in denial. Plenty of borderlines DO go to therapy and work on their problems. And the thing is, she is not mentally incompetent, is she? Is she legally able to make her own decisions? Ok. She's not a child. You deserve a partner who will meet you halfway. Who will be open to talking about what's going on in her head.
I hear all the time on here how people should engage in self-sacrifice for a relationship. Bullocks. Yes you should give 100%....but so should your mate. Relationships are a 2 way street. And if you meet someone who is mentally sick...that doesn't mean you should throw that 100% to the wind just because of the disease. Not unless you are prepared for a lifetime of matyrdom.
I have a friend who is in early 20's and who wants to marry when he falls in love. I've told him DON"T settle. Marriage is as hard as hell...why do you think most end in divorce. You've got to be as sure as possible before committing to someone "for life". An din your case, you already know she has a mental illness. If she can't make a 2 yr committment to treatment now, what's going to happen down the road? It will only get worse - not better.
I'm not a therapist...but I was married to one. Which is how I know something about borderlines. And then the hub got M.S. which affected his personality HUGELY and made my life hell...a bad marriage got horrible after his personality issues came to light. I tried. I dragged his arse to therapy which did no good. I finally said enough. I deserve to be happy, as do our children. Everyone was miserable - including him...who would get mad and scream at me to get out. And was as disrespectful to me as you can imagine...like humming the theme to darth vadar when I'd walk in the room, fully aware how much I hated that and how much it hurt my feelings.
Sure, I am divorcing a man with a disease. Bad me. But you know what, the whole family deserves happiness....not putting up with a lifetime of hell just because he is not whole anymore. (and I totally include him in persons who deserve to be happy).
So what I am saying is, dont' beat yourself up for breaking up with her. You had to, if she wasn't willing to commit to the therapy and getting the tools she needs to cope with life. "If she truly loved you she would"....there is some truth to that, in my opinion.
Kaylie | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/16/2008 7:01:32 PM | Wc8
Alot of people in here have offered some good feedback to you. It is up to you what you have to do for yourself. This is what we are trying to tell you. YOU HAVE TO STOP THINKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE AND START TO THINK FOR YOU.
Trust me here bro, I know. She will take you down with her, just so that she won't feel alone and that she empowered you. It is part of the control disorder, and when she see's that you are wore off than her she will feel better about herself, and blame you for her problems, that it was you all along, never her,never the drugs,never anything else but you. They always try to turn it around on you, and as time goes on like I told you earlier you begin to question you own self, and start to loose identity, that is what they are hoping for. You are fighting something you cannot win, you are up against at least 2 different personalities, possibly more.
It is tougher than hell when your heart is fighting with your head, I know this as well man, as so many of the rest of us are. You keep going any mmore with this you aren't going to have much left for the next person that comes along. You are leaving yourself open to months,maybe years of emotional scarring. PAIN will become life to you,do not take this path, it will ruin alot of good things to come you way. Love her the way you always will but come to terms with it so that you can go on. | |
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| What to do now?
Posted: 11/16/2008 7:37:59 PM | OP,
Sounds as though you have been through a rough time although it is probably tougher for your friend who is having to live with the condition. Imo, unless she is properly diagnosed by a professional and receives the proper treatment, you are going to be in a hard place if you decide to maintain a relationship with her, possibly even become co-dependent. Some of the symptoms of various mental illnesses are so similiar, that I don't see how you can learn to cope if need be, or be of support to her without knowing what you are really dealing with without a proper diagnosis. From what I have heard, some illnesses are hard to diagnose and others even harder to treat. Sometimes there are multiple illnesses. Doing research is great because it shows you care, but she has to make the decision to get help.
Good luck!
Vash | |
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