| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 12:47:43 AM | | I appreciate all the input ladies. You have no idea how much it helps to hear possible explanations for her actions. I only hope she doesnt keep running away from good men. Her kids are very special. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 1:39:35 AM | | so ladies, your honest opinions, if you were me, what would you all do???? Wait, move on or run for the hills. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 5:21:22 AM | You know in everyday life we run into people who are pathological hypochondriacs who live by web MD and feel that the sniffles are an indication of leprosy. But what most people dont see is the same attitude is even more prevalent in a dating world.
People push others away because of the fear of the "what if" I get hurt, 'what if" it doesn't work, so what your dealing with is a person that prefers the comfort of the misery in the known then to take a chance that maybe you will still be there next Valentines day. Some people use their kids as the scapegoat for this behavior but if you look at their past history pre kids you'll find nothing has changed other then adding sponge bob to the mix of songs stuck in their head.
So what can you do? If she is adamant in holding onto the past heartache and whatifs then you can attempt to talk to her - but only she can change - you cant make her. If you truly care then wait and talk and show by actions that your not leaving any time soon. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 9:17:40 AM | Romeo .... If she and her kids mean alot to you, I would try investing the time to wait and be patient ... see what happens.
She MAY really like you, but be scared of someone out of HER ordinary ... whether the fear be conscious or sub-conscious. Sometimes, a good thing can be scary to someone who has never had it.
Women with low self-esteems and established life "patterns" are the way they are for reasons. Some will be able to change and gradually accept a "good" thing in their life, and others will not.
Most every woman wants a good man, but some fear it or do not think they are worthy of it.
(It is also far more painful to love and lose a "good" man. If a good man leaves, that only confirms that the woman is not worthy...)
But ... good luck to you if you do try to work things out with her! | |
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kerrmy
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Joined: 3/21/2007
Msg: 31 | |
| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 9:33:16 AM | | i've often said things like that myself and my reasoning behind it is cuz my kids. i dont want to get involved with someone and be left behind....again. i've been engaged twice and was left the first time for another woman and had mind games played the second time and now none of them have anything to do with the girls.....she's scared of the hurt and heartache that may come if things dont work out. its hard to take care of children when you, yourself are dealing with a broken heart...one doesnt want their kids to see them in pieces...i know i wouldnt....give her time to deal with it all...as i always say..time will tell what's ment to be. | |
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kerrmy
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Joined: 3/21/2007
Msg: 32 | |
| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 9:34:26 AM | | i also agree with lostgirl71....only she can change just prove to her you're not leaving her anytime soon if you honestly have feelings for her. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 10:08:21 AM | | shes scared of getting hurt, its clearly happened before, and shes frightened. slow and steady is the answer, it will just take her time to realise you mean what you say and wont hurt her or let her down, x | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 11:30:05 AM | | She pushed me away and now we don't talk because she says she wants her space and I have respected her wishes....she stills texts me form time to time and calls late at night. If she really didn't want to be with me then why does she still try to hold on. She has been telling people that she misses me. I don't want to get back with her and then she gets"scared" again and pulls the same thing later on. My heart couldnt take that again. I listen to the song Innocent Man from Billy Joel and I feel like that guy but how much can I take?? It's not fair for me because I have been nothing but good to her. She has to know I was in it for the long haul. when she asked to meet my folks, I didnt flinch, when she said she wanted a diamond ring , I didnt run. So I think maybe I should just step aside and look for something else. We had even made plans to all go to disneyland. I think maybe I was too good. Is that possible? | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 11:59:53 AM | | You're trying to get input from single moms as if we all have something in common with her behavior and can understand just because we are also single moms? Uh, no. Her behavior, resulting in two kids from two dads who were in jail, is the result of some trauma in her early years and you are definitely in for a roller coaster ride if you stay with her. You can't win her over, she has to find the healing in herself, she has to get counseling. You will make every right move and still be damned. I'm not saying that she isn't worth it, I can't make that decision. I have a friend who is madly in love with his wife but he can never win because she is always looking for something wrong, always looking for a way out, always trying to pin someone else's sins on him. He'll stick it out, but he's wearing thin. I love her dearly myself, and she is even aware of all of this- not that he's perfect- but she knows where the trouble lies. But can we get her into counseling before she hands this legacy down to her children? Not yet. It's a rough and heartbreaking life you are entering into. Take care. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 12:49:14 PM | | I would probably hit the road at least until she has time to grow up some. It might just make her realize what she could have with you and make a decision to grow up and get on with the wonderful life you could have together, thats if you would decide to have her back by then. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 12:52:28 PM | | It makes it even harder to walk away if there are good kids involved because you hate to be in their lives and then just walk out, because you can end up loveing the children more than you do the girl in the long run and since she's not that stable right now with her decision making it might just be the best thing to leave before the childern get hurt. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 12:53:08 PM | | Thing is , she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. So counseling is out of the question. I have told her that i know she has had bad experiences and that I am nothing like the people in her life but I dont think she believes that. it sounds like until she asks for help there is nothing I can do. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 1:09:46 PM | | Thank you greycee for your kind words and I think i could have given her a wonderful life full of love and security and I was willing to take the blows for her past hurt. Maybe I just need her to figure things out for herself. I hope she does some day. Maybe not with me but the next great guy that comes along. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 1:14:37 PM | | I didnt mean to lump all single moms together hereshecomesagain but I wanted to get a single moms perspective. I wanted to make her happy and until I told her i had feelings for her, she said she was. Maybe the best thing is for her and I to go on on our own. I just worry about her and hope she doesnt date some guy that mistreats her or heaven forbid her kids. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 4:52:32 PM | | you know romeo, i'd say follow your heart. do you really care for her? do you feel there's a possibility she will come around? maybe she just needs more time to be reassured you are'nt going to bail out. maybe she is afraid of being hurt and maybe you are just the someone she really needs in her life.we are all afraid of the unknown and the ultimate outcome. perhaps she feels she doesn't deserve a guy as good as you and it will take time for her to realize she is just as worthy to be treated well as the next person...i say give it some time..take it easy and see what transpires..you'll know when you've been patient long enough and whether or not you should move on..patience is worth it's weight in gold..and you may be well rewarded for it. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 6:03:47 PM | | I am not a shrink but confident on my answer. Due to some very painful experience related to her parents and relationship experiences in her adult she is not able to relate clearly to a concept of healthy relationships. Period. Those 2 exes with whom she has kids and who are in jail are clearly not hand-picked tomatos. She may remotely theoretically relate to a concept of healthy relationships but not in every day practical life. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 6:41:57 PM | | Her poor, poor sweet innocent children. Thanks to Mommy, they've not doubt had a horribly dysfunctional and dramatic life. Each has a Daddy who's in the pen, how nice. So what happens when these buttclowns get released? Do you even know why each is in prison? (murder? armed robbery?) You have no idea what you could be getting yourself into here. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/19/2008 11:33:50 PM | | She obviously has picked "bad boys" and guys of low character. Why she singled me out and asked me out is unclear to me. i dont seem to be her type. Did she want to try a nice guy or did she want something more. I get alot of "are you crazy, you're better off without her 'from all my guy friends . | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/20/2008 11:50:23 AM | I too would say follow my heart. Maybe she is testing you to see if you will indeed run. It does sound like you are a good guy with great intentions (got a brother?) but maybe you should take a step back, tell her you are not going anywhere and just be there for her. Maybe the asking to meet your parents and the ring comment were a test to see if you were indeed for real and when you didn't flinch - she got scared and ran. The fact that she texts you and calls you on occasion and says she misses you means she still cares and there might be hope. I would give it awhile and just show her that you are there - maybe do a few "little" things for her...bring her and the kids dinner or something of that nature.
Best of luck! | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/20/2008 1:09:41 PM | OK I agree that you need to do what you feel is right. She is obviously insecure and scared. I would just be straight up with her. Tell her how you feel about her and the situation and see where that takes you. For me personally I like to write letters... I write down what I want to say and then leave it for a day and think about it.. and then add or change things then leave it and then come back to it again until I'm satisfied I have gotten everything down that I really want to say so maybe try writing a letter to her. I know if I go to have a "serious" conversation I forget half the stuff I wanted to say so maybe that will help get your feelings across. She may need more time to really get that fact that someone ACTUALLY CARES about her. Its a terrifing place to be when you have been hurt more then once. So in conclusion if you truly care about this girl and she children you will show her how you feel and be patient. Good luck
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/20/2008 1:52:55 PM | I wonder why the good guys always chase the crazy women...story of my life..dumped for the crazy women who later just breaks his heart *sigh*
Move on. If she ws truly interested and READY for this kind of relationship she wouldn't have run. It's not fair to you, to sit there and wait. | |
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bj7603
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Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 48 | |
| question for single moms
Posted: 11/20/2008 2:34:11 PM | | Well I'm a single mom. And I would guess it goes the same for us as it does for men. You want what you think you can't have, you like the chase and then when you know you've caught them it takes all the excitement out of it and you want to move on. If someone really likes you, then their feelings wouldnt change ever. I only say this from my own expierence. Sorry that happend to you it totally sucks. | |
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bj7603
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Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 49 | |
| question for single moms
Posted: 11/20/2008 2:35:25 PM | | Honestly, move on. BC like I said if they really like you they wouldnt leave.. You'll find someone that is right for you, when you least expect it. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/20/2008 5:23:32 PM | | Thanks H2o baby. I figured she said it to see if I would run but I am not scared of getting involved in a long term relationship. I agree with the other ladies though with the thought that if she really has feelings for me, she wouldnt have run......I dont see how its scary to have a good guy in your lfe that cares for not only you but your kids. I am totally seperating mysekf from that situation. if she realizes what she could have had and comes back to me i really dont know what I would do. I dont want to get hurt again. It does suck! | |
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