| question for single moms
Posted: 11/23/2008 2:15:25 PM | never too late acctseleted,
I thought she was ready for something more because of the things she told me and the fact she wanted to see me and had to talk to me everday and those comments like wanting to meet my folks and wanting a diamond ring from her. Guess I was hella wrong. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/23/2008 2:16:19 PM | "here I though women like to be treated well.....I remember she was so happy and surprised that i would open the car door for her when she got in my car. I was the fist one to get her flowers and shes 25!...WOW.......I dont get why women lwt guys treat them like crap."
I don't know how this quote thing is to work but anyway.
She has been through some rough patches and yes I agree she needs to take time and anylize her life. She still needs you in her life, slowly, as a friend, reach back to her, if you want to be with her, slow it down, show her you can be trusted. Don't give up though, this is what has happened with everyone else in her life. They all left.
Yes, I understand what was posted earlier that you can't use what happened in your childhood as an excuse. Sounds logical, but sometimes logic doesn't work with emotion. This is a test (maybe sub concious) she needs to feel safe, even though it's scary. She will push you away, but if you really love her and her children, stand firm. Good Luck.. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/23/2008 2:20:06 PM | | thats another reason i thought she was serious about me .....all my girl friends that have kids told me that u dont do that unless u really like the guy and want a long term thing......maybe she changed her mind. Vegas is a very tuff place to find a quality person.....thats why i want to move away! | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/23/2008 4:31:04 PM | Oh, that's bull.
So she was through a rough patch -boo-hoo. Who the heck hasn't??
It's all the more reason to recognize a good thing in front of you.
Please. All that wishy-washy garbage is immaturity, which she has no excuse for as she's a mother herself. You have no obligation catering to her drama.
Tell her to suck it up, grow up, get over herself and be a mother as she very well should be. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:17:53 PM | Lilithsdaughter,
I agree. I figure if all she has known is crap then if she saw a good thing that made her life easier , more fun and adventurous, she would no doubt realize it. I dont know maybe once you're use to be treated like crap, you start to like it. Why do people like drama......or seem to need it? | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/24/2008 7:07:53 AM | | Romeo I dont think it is that she likes being treated like crap or the drama as much as there is safety and comfort in the known. When you have a troubled past if something good comes along that breaks that mold it requires a great deal of trust to believe that it is sincere and not some forced attempt to get the person to let their guard down to be disappointed again. It is almost a self defense mechanism you are from the way you described better then anyone she has dated prior and in her eyes she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. So to avoid heartache that for her is most likely inevitable - she cuts you off now. this way she has the control and doesnt get disappointed again. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/24/2008 11:59:11 AM | Lostgirl,
I know she has control issues...I remember we were in an elevator and her son hit the emergency stop and we froze their for awhile and she almost had a panic attack. I get that she thought the other show would drop. She mentioned how she didnt wanna miss me cus if she did it would cause pain. Or how she kept thinking I would hurt her someday. She even said she was a "bad investment because of her issues" but then 2 minutes later she gets mad because I possibly wouldnt invest her. ?????? The only way I could prove to her I was for real was for us to keep what we had but she pushed me away. What could I do? I have to find my happiness. Is it fair for me to wait for someone that might never come around? | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/24/2008 1:18:18 PM | I believe you did the right thing. You cant keep trying to prove to someone because it gets old fast. You tried but she wouldn't let you succeed. My point to my post was you questioned the why she is like this - I was not justifying her, just explaining the why.
At this point the only person who can help her is her. She needs to break the cycle herself.
For you, you need to find someone that will accept with open arms what you have to offer because if you stayed and always tried to prove to her it would be toxic to you | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/24/2008 1:44:11 PM | | Funny you say the word toxic......heard that one alot from people. My buddy kept telling me, its way too hard for it being so early in the relationship. The first months are supposed to be blissful not full of doubt, untrustfullness and being tested. I agree and I do get what you are saying now. I won't lie , I think about her everyday and dream about her often still.......i'm sure like the pain theat will pass sooner or later also. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/24/2008 1:45:15 PM | | Some people who have been mistreated in life have developed ways along the journey to cope with the overwhelming feelings of pain, hurt, guilt etc...as people move on in life thay find out that those cooping mechanisms no longer work for them anymore but they don't know any new ways to deal with problems or situations and the unknown can be a very scary place. I think a little patience and caring will go a long way. Some people who don't know happiness don't think they even deserve it, so when they find it their afraid that if they enjoy it or start getting use to it or even look forward to a future it will hurt 100 time worse when it eventually falls apart (because in their mind it always does). Be optimistic you sound like a great guy if anyone can help break through to her its you. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/24/2008 1:49:33 PM | beautifulsoul,
Can I???? Is it me that can help her break thru it? I haven't even told you guys what she did to get push me away..............I don't think I am strong enough for this. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/24/2008 2:11:59 PM | | Well I was captivated by the title of the thread as i am a single mum. But this is not something specific to single mums. I am sorry this happened to you. But other than trying to talk through it with her and see what she says I have no other suggestion than to let it go. The fact that the fathers of her kids are 2 different guys who are currently in jail is a huge red flag to me. She sounds a mess if you ask me. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/24/2008 2:36:08 PM | Hi Romeo,
For starters you have to ask yourself what you find fascinating about a 25 yr old woman with two kids from TWO different fathers BOTH of whom are incarcerated. If I were a guy, those facts would turn into red flags immediately as it shows poor judgment on her part. The fact she had an abused childhood waves another red flag.
A while ago a very good friend brought to my attention that I’m a rescuer as I’ve been through a couple of walking wounded relationships. I’ve learned that as much as I wanted to “rescue” these men and make all their hurt and dysfunction go away, it’s not my job to “save” anybody nor is it fair to put my life on hold waiting for a guy to get his life in order.
Even if you show her all your love and attention there is no guarantee she will love you in return. My advice is to find someone with much less baggage. You seem like a great guy so don’t settle for less.
Best of luck. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/24/2008 9:43:42 PM | wcms1963,
Thanks,
I worked with her for a year before we went out which gave me a chance to see what kind of person I thought she was. She was kind , sweet and she didnt date anyone that asked her out. She said she couldnt just date any guy anymore because she had 2 kids and had to be cautious. When she asked me out, I thought she was finally ready to date a good guy(knowing full well what type of guy I was). Should I totally alienate anyone with a red flag. Maybe I should. I am as drama free as you can get. Dont want it, dont like it and dont get it if there is no drama to be found.........Everyone has baggage and maybe someone with maybe a carry on would suit me best. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/25/2008 7:38:40 AM | Hi Romeo,
Only you can decide what traits about a person are a red flag to you. We call them red flags because they are warnings/gut feelings/intuition in overtime telling us to either back away or proceed with caution. Not everybody sees the same red flags in a given situation but many times after we've gone thru months with someone we care for deeply we'll realize we ignored the red flags because we either didn't want to see them or we thought we could save/rescue/help the person or we believed their words and not their actions or it was the second full moon of the month. Whatever the reason, we ignore them as we are human, we want happiness and to believe everybody else wants the same as we do. Sady, its not always the case.
I also feel there is baggage (as in two small carry ons) and then there is BAGGAGE which would fill the warehouse like you see at the end of the Raiders Of The Lost Ark.
Only you know if you should proceed or not. Based on what you've written, she is a very lucky woman to have you in her life.
Best of luck. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/25/2008 11:40:46 AM | wcms1963,
Thank u for your kind words. I love the raiders of the lost ark reference. I thought I'd give it a shot with her. Everyone dererves a second chance. Knowing what I know now, I don't know if I 'd do it all over again. I only hope that she sees that I was for real. A good man with good intentions that would never hurt her. Maybe by realizing that, the next good guy she'll let into her heart. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/25/2008 2:48:53 PM | | she might kust be scaed to get reallly close to someone in case she gets hurt if she has bad reltionships thats ihoe i feel | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/25/2008 4:57:02 PM | Only you can answer that question and decide what you want in life. All i know is that there are so few people in the world that we feel a connection with and if the connection is strong enough then maybe its worth persuing as far as your able. Its always easy to walk away and harder to stay but, working through things makes people stronger. If you still work with her let her know that you can still be friends, that you care and that you have an open ear (depending on how major the "thing" she did to you was). If that is not an option and you've exhausted your limit on what you can handle (drama wise) then wish her luck and move on with your life. I don't think love (or even like) should have to be that hard.
Good luck with what ever you choose. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/25/2008 5:44:29 PM | I have a tendency to push the "great guys" away and attract the bad boys. Sometimes it comes from what most call "stinking thinking". That's when the skeltons from your past rattle your present and cause you to think even for a minute that happiness is elusive.
If you really have feelings for this woman and see a future with her then by all means encourage her to get help dealing with the garbage that is getting in both of your ways. Check out an al non group together it might help you both to understand what growing up around alcoholics is like and what it can do to someone's heart and soul. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/25/2008 7:17:48 PM | | well i read alot of the other single moms replies and i just wanted to agree but also mention that no single mom comes without bagage.same goes for the men who have been through divorce.takes awhile to heal.depending on how much you guys talked has to be a facture in any realtionship.we often push away people because we are scared of outcome.hope this helps dont give up hope | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/26/2008 12:21:57 AM | | I think i am just too much of a drama free guy. I remember when she and I were dating , she constantly tried to make me jealous. Then she would check my text messages, phone messages and listen in on my phone conversations. She would get jealous even if I glanced at a girl. And I was very careful not to do shit like that to avoid a scene. I just don't get it. Maybe I never will and right now I am thinking I should pick someone more like me. Someone who wants to be loved and cared for and doesnt want to fight about every little thing and look for things as an out. She'd say one minute we might not like each other in 2 months and then she'd talk about us growing old together.......INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/26/2008 8:29:56 AM | Wow-- you've got your hands full of baggage if you want to ride this train! :)
Sounds like you have a real connection with her and she really does have feelings for you but she's freezing... she cant handle the fact that maybe someone might actually care for her and not try to hurt her ... she has a hard time accepting any reality other than the reality that has shown her men hurt her- end up in jail and abandon her.
Tough break there.... hope it all works out for you hon. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/26/2008 9:58:04 AM |
Oh the I had an awful childhood story. I'm sure she did. But I am so sick of people blaming their childhood on why they are f*cked up 20+ years later. At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and say You know what. Yes, I was dealt a sh!tty hand as a child but I am NOT a child anymore and I am in control of my own life. And really no matter how crappy it might have been there is always someone out there that had it worse and was able to pick themself up and make something of themselves.
i totally agree with fab-mom on this! i had a pretty crappy childhood but it doesnt have anything to do with my life now...im a stronger ,happier person because of my miserable childhood.
OP...i really hope everything works out in your favor...but to me it sounds like this woman fears life in general and no matter what wont be able to accept that not all good things disappear. i wish you the best of luck! being a single mother i know how difficult it is getting back into dating. but for her to be happy one minute and freaked the next...she definitely has underlying issues. | |
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| question for single moms
Posted: 11/26/2008 5:23:01 PM | | People deal differently to trauma......some go thru it and thrive, while others stowe it away and ignore it while developing some bad habits that they keep repeating. I know what you are saying but I just think maybe she is the second type. I seriously think she has no idea she is doing anything wrong. Which i think is even worse than anything. All I can do is walk away for my own sanity. I gave it all ladies but by what you are all saying , there is little or nothing I can do to win her heart. Some hearts are just closed off forever. I just wish she finds love ande happiness someday with someone. I wish it could have been with me but life isnt always just or fair. | |
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