| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 11/24/2008 9:47:02 AM | Op I was thining along the same lines as english lass.
I think its great that oyu have both stayed in touch because it sounds like he needs it.
And who know maybe its something that will and is good for you also.
I wish you both good luck in the situation you are in.
Have a happy holidays. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/1/2008 6:18:56 AM |
I don't think you should be handing over $150 to a kid just because...He needs to learn the value of labor. If you are able to maintain contact with him and are respecting the mother's boundaries, give him some chores to do to earn the money.
Early last week, I suggested that he could earn the money by working and doing some odd jobs for me starting this past weekend and over the course of the next upcoming weekends as well....he agreed, everything was set to go. He contacts me last Thursday, comes right out and says "why won't you just give it to me." I told him I wasn't going to do that based on what we agreed upon....he then became a little confrontational towards me and proceeded to come up with numerous scenarios to which he wanted me to give him the money without him working for it…he continued his 'actions' on Friday as well.
I didn't hear from him the entire weekend, clearly he had no intention of working for the money. Unfortunately, I think our friendship has been damaged because of this...or maybe we never had one to begin with. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/1/2008 7:14:44 AM |
Unfortunately, I think our friendship has been damaged because of this
I think you may have just learned all you need to know. It's a shame, though: here you were only trying to help and he was trying to work you. Maybe it's a good time to distance yourself a bit. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/1/2008 7:14:48 AM | Charlie, I agree with those who felt that there's never too many positive male role models in a young man's life.
I think you did the right thing in terms of setting out conditions whereby he could work the money off.
Now he's gotten upset, because you've upset his plan (which, as others have stated, may be ultimately to try to get you and his mom back together).
Don't assume that the friendship is damaged. He's reacting as a young boy who didn't get what he wanted........perfectly normal. All you can do now is wait to see how he reacts after he's had a chance to digest the fact that he hasn't gotten his way. He may surprise you. But regardless, good for you that you stuck to your guns! | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/1/2008 10:27:45 AM |
He contacts me last Thursday, comes right out and says "why won't you just give it to me."
That is so stunningly obnoxious and greedy, I'm beginning to wonder now if his mother put him up to this from the beginning and has been telling him what to say. You two have been friends; obviously he's basically a nice kid. What do you think - did that sound like him? | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/1/2008 10:38:07 AM | sailinbabes got a good point...be there for him if your good with that but the money...nope...its hard but not up to you specially when you got dogged by her....and try not to talk about her but be his confidant..his friend...I work in a prison and while you arent responsible for him you as a friend might be able to save him from any future mistakes...good luck..sounds like your a stand-up guy! | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/1/2008 11:33:02 AM | It's a nice thought but probably not the smartest thing to do.
Perhaps I'm overly cynical but in this day and age it's a bad idea to maintain a friendship with a minor. Handing over money to that same minor is an especially bad idea - even if it is a trifling amount of money for a good cause. While it's a nice gesture it can certainly lead to trouble very quickly. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/1/2008 12:08:01 PM | i agree with seib on this but i really do see how you feel it would be hard to just erase someone from your life because your not with his mother if you were to do that i think he'd feel worse of as he'll assume you were only paying him attention because you dated his mother.
gl with what ever you choose to do | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/1/2008 12:42:35 PM | Obviously the last several poster s have not read the thread before posting.
OP, it is great that you stuck to your guns and did not give in. Here is a thought. While the friendship may or may not have been damaged, it was not you that damaged it. He either has taken the firts steps in learning a lesson that you earn money, not get it handed to you. he was simply a decietful erson and if he can not take advantage of you he is done, but that is a lesson too. He is losing a good friend over poor behaviour. Or he is simply a young kid that is reacting in frustration over a situation that is not working out how he likes.
It's hard to say which. My advice is this. Keep the ball in his court for now. he may call you and see the big picture. About a week before Christmas, call him and simply say that you were calling to see if he changed his mind. Repeat the offer of a specific job! Not just work it off. If you do A.B.and C then you will pay him the $150. If he says yes, then he has learned a lesson. he is after all a child and needs the extra consideration. If he says no or reacts in anyway but positively, simply say that you just wanted to let him know that you were willing to help him but not just hand out your money. DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM!! Just let him know that if he needs you that you are there for him and end the conversation. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/9/2008 9:04:53 AM | | Wow! This is a very difficult situation. I think canam miles' advice is the best yet, however. But I would add something fun to the act of labor like helping him pick out the cell phone and doing some Christmas shopping for your children (if you have any). Maybe he could help you pick out some nice presents for them and you would also have the opportunity to see what he would like from Santa Claus! (Um, that would be YOU, Charlie SS!) I am so glad that God has given you the spirit of generosity and to be a mentor for this young man! May you have a blessed Christmas too! | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/9/2008 6:41:57 PM | This issue has taken another twist; the ex was laid off from her job last Friday, now her son is deeply concerned that they won't have a Christmas this year because of a lack of money. He calls me and asks if I would 'help' him and his mother out financially to purchase gifts for each other and other people on their Xmas list.
I've helped her out in so many ways over the past year and a half, she always came to me when she needed something and I was more than happy to help .....but we're not together any longer, the only common link between us his her son. I have no problem doing things for him, he's a good kid who doesn't have much....
I ended the friendship with his mother because of how she mistreated myself, her son, and how disrespectful she is towards other people....she's just not a quality person.
What a dilemma this is, I'm sure I'll help them out even though it may not be the right thing to do.....any advice would be appreciated. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/9/2008 6:54:50 PM | OP....Here's what you do.....
Since it has been presented that both the parents don't seem to be worth a squat in teaching the boy the basics of life, you might want to consider 'mentor' status with him. Boys still need good male role models in their lives to show or teach them HOW THE WORLD REALLY WORKS!!!!!
Back when I was raising two of somebody else's kids, I was the one who gave the loan for the car that he wanted when he was 17. The father wasn't going to do it, and the mom was a little tight at the time.
Hence......I drew up a LOAN CONTRACT. He was to honor the contract.... just like in real life... or repossession would ensue........just like in real life. And if you don't think that in the back of my mind I was slightly laughing at the hope of repossessing a 1959 mint Ford Fairlane with 50 thousand miles on it....... you'd be only slightly right. There were even BEHAVIORAL clauses put into the contract to teach him how 'real life works'....
He paid off every dime..... I was very proud of him. And he learned how REAL LIFE WORKS.....
I think you should offer him a LOAN....with a CONTRACT..... If he doesn't have a job, then I think you should have him work some things off. If he doesn't honor it, or starts slipping, or 'FORGETS'....you should be as tenacious as a BILL COLLECTOR....when he squawks.....remind him that 'this is how real life works'...... Kids WILL listen...INTENTLY, I might add... and learn if you take the lead and not just let him waft through it all like his parents might be.
You can come up with your own ideas or terms...but I think you get my drift. Kids need to learn responsibility. And sometimes, it takes a village to raise the child....
peace | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/9/2008 9:17:39 PM |
If you want to be a real and good role model for this young man, you should teach him that money doesn't bring women happiness and to NOT spend money he doesn't have or cannot afford. Those lessons are the best ones you can teach this young man. Secondly - he clearly does need a good adult in his life, especially because how a young man forms his "innards" is based on those who influence him - he's attached to you, and you're a safe place for him. Try to maintain the relationship with him, if you can. For his sake.
I think you said it all. I have nothing more to add | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/10/2008 1:30:25 AM |
....................... He contacts me last Thursday, comes right out and says "why won't you just give it to me." I told him I wasn't going to do that based on what we agreed upon....he then became a little confrontational towards me and proceeded to come up with numerous scenarios to which he wanted me to give him the money without him working for it…he continued his 'actions' on Friday as well.
I didn't hear from him the entire weekend, clearly he had no intention of working for the money. Unfortunately, I think our friendship has been damaged because of this...or maybe we never had one to begin with. .
Sounds like that boy needs a father around to kick his ass and a strong no-nonsense man might do the mom some good too. Like mother, like son. Perhaps the dad saw what was coming and bailed out, j/k. Cut all ties and get with someone who appreciates you and actually knows how to raise kids to be decent members of society. It blows my mind how people think you should just give them stuff without work or money. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/10/2008 5:30:01 AM | My ex stayed friends with my entire family. Worked on my moms car and my brothers. He and my oldest son went fishing together. Then,my son stole his girlfriend!! I was to say the least,shocked!! My mom is not happy about it,she told him."You messed everything and now when my car breaks down you can pay to get it fixed". I treat her well and keep my mouth shut. Dang it,I'm starting to like her. Oh and in case someone hollers it's because we are from Texas,she is a damn yankee!
Yankee - Someone from the north that comes for a visit and then goes home.
Damn Yankee - Someone from the North that come to visit and stays!!
I'm teasing,I like people from all over the world. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/10/2008 6:05:20 AM | This really is "Can of worms- large" territory.
Kids can not help but equate a big gift for Christmaas with love- after all, as parents ,we most often go totally overboard giftwise for our children at this time. So in all probability it is quite natural then for children to want to carry this on in return- comments?
I nearly got into WW3 with my ex g/f over a mobile phone for her door slamming 15 year old B.F.H. daughter, it's very difficult to understand the mixed messages other people's children give out after you separate from their parent. They hate you when you are there, hate you when you breathe, then turn around and say "I wish you and mum hadn't split up, you were so good together..!" This whole subject could so easily spiral into a much bigger issue on what makes a teenagers world complete.. Some kids just really do want peace on Earth for Christmas- or at least peace in their own family, household and family unit- all the while trying to destroy any peace there may be, yet others who appear on the surface to have everything, like one recent poster on this site, will only be happy with vacuous imagined trappings of wealth.
OP. after your first post I was very soft on the lad, after subsequent posts of yours I am less so. But what to do- maybe try the old 50/50 routine? I think whatever you choose to do, DO NOT create any mileage out of any gesture, help if tyou feel you need to, but next time say "I'm sorry I'm not currently in a position to help." (shrug) | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/10/2008 8:56:37 AM | | Hmmm. Seeing as she can't afford a cell phone since it incurs a monthly fee, I'd say NO to that idea. It sounds like now they need financial help to pay the bills and Christmas presents are on the back burner. I don't know how generous you are or how much you can afford or how many chores this young man can do to earn the money they need just to live. I think I would have to just give him a gift card for Walmart for $150 (after he has worked for that) He can use that for food or however he chooses. I would stress the fact that life has priorities...and food, electric, shelter take precedence. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 12/10/2008 9:19:10 AM |
This issue has taken another twist; the ex was laid off from her job last Friday, now her son is deeply concerned that they won't have a Christmas this year because of a lack of money. He calls me and asks if I would 'help' him and his mother out financially to purchase gifts for each other and other people on their Xmas list.
Now I really strongly suspect that his mother is orchestrating these calls. This is not a usual request from a child that age; it's way too ballsy. I'd recommend for now asking people you know in common, if possible, whether or not they've had similar calls, and, if so... well, then I don't know what to do, but it'd be a strong indicator that she is behind all this. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 1/8/2009 9:45:41 AM | sorry, but this kid is already a mess thanks to his mother. she sounds like a train wreck.
his future mate is going to be the same type of person as his mother unless he learns RIGHT NOW that his mother is 'sick' and should not be 'adored'. he will grow up to be a doormat, and it sounds like you may have a little of that going on as well?? There is a line between being 'nice' and being a doormat, being sucked into someone else's messed-up life and drama, which this sounds like.
if you truly want to do some good, you would be better off spending that $150 to get him into a counseling program. his future depends on it! | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 1/8/2009 1:12:52 PM | | Sorry i am just now responding. I was wondering what you decided to do about the gift issue. I would remain friends with him and tread lightly. Like another blogger mentioned, he does need you. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 1/8/2009 11:25:31 PM |
I was wondering what you decided to do about the gift issue.
Unfortunately, this entire scenario was nothing more than an attempt on his part to take advantage of my generosity in order for him to have the phone for himself and not give to his mother.
I purchased the "gift" for him to give to his mother for Christmas with the agreement that he would work it off to pay for it. A couple weeks before Xmas he asked me if it would be ok I would bring the phone to him so he could wrap it and put it under their tree.....I gave it to him....unfortunately he never had any intention of doing any such thing.
Somehow his cell phone at that time mysteriously stopped working and couldn't be fixed. He told his mother that a 'neighbor' had a new cell phone that they would just give to her so she could give it to him for Christmas. She called the neighbor to confirm what her son told her, the neighbor said it was their phone and she could have it...Yes, he b*ll s*itted the neighbor to lie to his own mother.
I had no idea what happened until I was talking to his mother on the phone a few days after Christmas, she mentioned that she needed a new battery for her phone...I asked her why would you need a new battery since she 'received' a new phone from her son for Christmas? That's when everything about his dishonest plan unraveled, his mother was extremely upset with him for what he did. She immediately took the phone away from him and made him apologize to everyone that he lied to. He did apologize to me as well, he sounded very sincere, however I have lost so much respect for him right now...our friendship has been greatly damaged because of his actions.
He and I have spoken a few times since then, I told him I was extremely disappointed for what he did to everyone involved.
Just a little footnote to the story, he had the nerve to ask me tonight to get him something 'nice' for his birthday in a few weeks...unbelievable!!!! | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 1/9/2009 1:27:47 AM | I realize that some of his behavior has been pretty offensive, and it's hard not to be angry at being treated that way. I'm not defending his behavior, but I would like to provide some food for thought: This child is simply a product of his environment. He is certainly getting old enough that needs to start accepting some responsibility for his own actions, but without someone to help him understand what's wrong with the way he's acting, and to model and reinforce something different, he will have a really difficult time being anything different.
Clearly, this isn't your problem, you are under no obligation to this child, and certainly would be justified in just walking away. This type of behavior is incredibly frustrating to deal with on an ongoing basis. However, it sounded to me from your posts that you still feel some semblence of a bond with this child, and still feel some concern for him as a human being. (for the record, I personally think this says something very positive about who you are) If that is the case, and you think you may have even the slightest bit of influence with this child , and more importantly if you can find some amount of forgiveness and understanding in your heart, for the offensive things he's done, you actually have the potential to offer him the most valuable gift anyone ever has. Kids need consistant validation of their inherent value as a human being, along with realistic feedback from someone they trust has their best interests at heart.
Kids that behave the way your ex's son is acting breed negative feelings and responses from almost everyone they encounter, which fuels the self hatred, which makes them lash back out....it's such a vicious cycle. An adult role model in their life that has the ability to confront the unacceptable actions while continuing to express real care, concern and goodwill towards the child themselves is probably in the best position to influence them to change their behavior. All it really takes is clear direct conversation addressing the reason what they're doing is unacceptable, suggesting and discussing how things could be handled more effectively in the future, recognition and approval for improvements in these areas, and reinforcement for any positive behavior you do see.
At fifteen, this behavior is pretty ingrained , so it is really almost a coin toss as to whether your influence would really make a difference or not. But sometimes all it takes is the knowledge that there is one person in this world who considers them a worthwhile human being to inspire them to look at things in a different way. Of course, it's highly unlikely that his mother would be inclined to change the way she deals with him, so to some extent, your positive influence could be hindered or negated by that. Also, it's possible that she would try to take advantage of your involvement with her son and use it to keep you tied into her dance of dysfunction, so there is a possible downside to trying to help this child. Only you can weigh these things out and know if this is something you have the ability or desire to take on.
Over the years, my son has brought home several "lost souls" and I have gotten a lot of personal satisfaction out of being able to make a positive difference in their lives. Out of about 8 young adults that I took the intitative to actively mentor, there was only one that was unreachable. He wrestled with so many inner demons, he became a heroin addict, and ended up dead at 19. It was very sad. The others, on the other hand, are all happy, productive adults. Some are in college, some already immersed in their careers. All of them still touch base regularly, and I feel lucky and proud to be a part of their lives. It wasn't always easy, and I'm sure I learned as much from them as they did from me.
I'm not by any means saying you should or shouldn't continue any kind of relationship with this child. I'm just saying if you are in any way inclined to stay involved, it can be an incredibly rewarding experience to help a child open their eyes to possibilities they were't aware existed. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 1/9/2009 2:06:29 AM | 1) Mom may go berserk if she finds out you've had any contact with her son she does not know about. Any contact.
2) Mom knows she didn't give him any money. She will question him until she finds out. If she does not know beforehand, she will be very angry.
3) Outside chance that he wants the money for other purposes. For himself or, worse, to spend on you. This would get him a lot of attention, which he wants. Since it was your money, it would draw all three of you together.
4) Maintaining a relationship with him could bring some stability to his life. As before, though, Moms hold all the cards. Custom, law, educational system. If you get involved, she can jerk both of you around anytime for any reason. Like a new girlfriend. | |
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| Friendship with ex girlfriends son?
Posted: 1/9/2009 3:11:41 AM | I understand the pull of a young person's plight..but he isnt free of his mothers example and attitudes.. I have seen some of the worst of what can come from dealing with all aspects of such a relationship.. I haven't seen my own adult son for over 5 years.. He recently contacted my daughters and spent an evening with them..supposedly he has seen the truth about his Mom..I will take my time in dealing with him before believing I am not still dealing with her...as much as i care..you cannot ignore the past or you will ruin your future
why be part of an ongoing drama that was written by selfish people having no intention of ever being more.. as previous posters have mentioned Big Brothers..perhaps thats the best outlet for your desire to truly help | |
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