| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/2/2008 4:40:03 PM | IMO, there is no such thing as unconditional love. When parents say "I love my child unconditionally", they are putting conditions on the love by specifying "my child".
If one wished to expound an abstract theory about love, they could say that the mere existance of love is a condition.
Love can be boundless, deep, abiding, and totally consuming, but it cannot be unconditional. | |
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~Eve~
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Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 27 | |
| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/2/2008 4:46:17 PM |
the only unconditional love you get is from your pet
and
get a cute puppy, you'll learn all about it
Lots' of good and serious advice, so on a lighter side, but hopefully not too off topic.
My grown daughter recently got a puppy from the pound. She kept him in a cage all day because she worked long hours, no time to walk him, scolded him when he pee'd on the floor, and fed him only dry dog food, last but not least she decided to give him away.
You guessed it, I took the puppy. I never put him in a cage, I walk him daily, never scold him, I hand feed him roasted chicken breast and I will never give him away.
Hmmmm..... when my daughter comes to visit, guess who he demands to sleep with????
Yep..... the little stinker still loves her..no matter what.... LOL | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/2/2008 5:00:55 PM | Unconditional love is a nice concept that can ONLY exist in the context of a relationship between an adult and a child...Or a dog for it's master (or vice verse)...
I can "love" a LOT of people that I don't necessarily want to or am even capable of being in a relationship with...I just have to "love them at a distance"...
I don't think that you have to have children to know what unconditional love, (despite the aforementioned), IS...But I DO think that it's naive to expect to have that on an ongoing basis in a relationship between two, mature adults.
Love in any form does NOT a relationship , automatically guarantee....If I have feelings of love towards someone that behaves abusively towards me, then I MUST make a choice to not engage in a relationship with them whether or not I love them, for my own well-being....
IMHO, unconditional love is a sporadically attainable ideal, that begins to break down the moment that reality intrudes...It's one thing to love a person, but it's another thing entirely to allow them to walk all over me in the name of "love", or to remain in a relationship where my needs or wants are not being met on a regular basis, unless of course, that relationship is with someone who is incapable of meeting those needs and wants. (Kind of has a circular sort of feel to it, huh?)
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/2/2008 6:54:31 PM | I don't have children and can give unconditional love. When you love someone, you love them with your heart. You love them inisde and out, good things and bad things. None of us are perfect.
It's those that cannot love unconditionally and they put demands upon another person, you must change this or that about yourself in order for me to love you they say, etc. Those that do that, aren't loving you unconditionally, they are simply trying to mold you into what "they want". | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/2/2008 7:03:23 PM | Re post #29.
It's difficult to "argue" with someone as beautiful and "nice" as Another again, but I think she misses the point.
When one chooses someone to be in his/her life, it does involve "acceptance" of the "what" and "who" of the other. However, that's not "unconditional". It's a calculation that the good outweighs the bad, and a view that no one is perfect.
However, in terms of a romantic relationship, there are "expectations" of each other, sexually, emotionally, and practical. If it were to turn out that the other wasn't able, or willing, to fulfill the reasonable expectations of a romantic partner, emotionally healthy people would disengage and move on.
By contrast, my daughters are my daughters, for so long as I live. Come what may, they will have my love, and no matter what they might do, love would not leave.
It's a very different thing. | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/2/2008 7:06:03 PM | Ionce heard the concept of unconditional love put this way ......
Locj your spouse and your dog in thr trunk for 30 minutes - which one will kiss you when you open the trunk???
It really made me think.
I do not think one needs to gave children to get the concept of unconditional love - however I believe that children are only on loan tous to guide them into adulthood - we do not own them.
There is a difference between loving someone unconditionally and like their behavior. I can still love someone and not accept their behavior. The hardest thing to do in adult relationships (and sometimes familial relationships) is to separate the behavior from the person>
Z | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/2/2008 8:53:21 PM | I once had a woman say to me, "I give unconditional love- but only to those who deserve it."
I don't think she understood what irony means. | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/2/2008 9:29:07 PM | Well for everyone honoring so heavily the unconditional love of children why is it that step families are the most difficult and least successful unions of all that give the LTR a whirl then ?????? See I have seen more energy of dissention than I have ever seen of trying to unify the group and even though kids will put couples to the test ... the adults are usually the ones that cannot get on the same page with the rearing of the offspring .. and I have seen way more preferential treatments of children by partners with their biological offspring and this always leads to trouble.. so unconditional love as unconditional parenting which is the mature way to raise the brood is a rare .. rare thing.. and anyone that tells me different must live in dream land because I believe that it is not only one of the biggees in step parenting it is also one of the dilemmas that cause lasting damage to the children that are raised in these unions. My own children have had to see, luckily intermittently enabling behaviour first hand with their step brother, my kids are all growed up and doing very well in life, although their respect for their father does not weigh heavily in the great job dad dept... while their step brother who was pandered to and definitively treated preferentially is 26 and still living and taking from a set of parents who do not understand that enabling is not unconditional love, it is selfish and damaging to this young mans development as an independant adult .
It takes honesty and a great deal of courage to raise great kids in an equal and united front where you eliminate preferential energies by doing the job as a couple and seeing the environment as a team effort which means the parents run the system as a unit and the children are loved and treated with respect as individuals and understand that preferential mistreatment is selfish and damaging and not in the best interests of the entire group. You are plugged into the group an incapable of the games kids will play if you let them!!!
I find that although it seems to be the healthiest way to raise children there are very few who raise their blended families with unconditional love. I have seen judgements over discipline, material inequalities, time inequities, judgements over weight, apparel, friendships, you name it !!! In order to raise children you have to be raised and there are oodles who are not mature enough to do the job because they bring their own damage to the process of raising children, this is the norm there are more damaged goods raising young than healthy adults!!!
I have been so so lucky and priviledged to have a unit of such amazing talented misfits and my kids best friends, now also amazing adults that are still very much a part of my extended brood, I love em all and they know it ..I guess that is the key is when they can feel that you began as loving them and continue to and always will until the show is over ... | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 3:57:56 AM | "When one chooses someone to be in his/her life, it does involve "acceptance" of the "what" and "who" of the other. However, that's not "unconditional". It's a calculation that the good outweighs the bad, and a view that no one is perfect.
However, in terms of a romantic relationship, there are "expectations" of each other, sexually, emotionally, and practical. If it were to turn out that the other wasn't able, or willing, to fulfill the reasonable expectations of a romantic partner, emotionally healthy people would disengage and move on. "
THAT'S what I said!!!! Well put mello....
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 4:10:18 AM | I've never been a parent but I used to be a big brother, I had unconditional love for my younger sisters and we were all extremely close.
I wouldn't say I've ever unconsciously applied the same feelings to a "lover" in a relationship though, I mean it just isn't the same.
The feeling is entirely different.
Blood is thicker than water and all that jazz.
However, I understand how to form a "bond" with someone, a good solid one. That's about it really.
V | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:37:03 AM | | Don't confuse unconditional love with tough love. Unconditional love does not imply never getting angry, getting hurt, etc. It just means that you respect the other person and not going to do them intentional harm whether physical, emotional or psychological. | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 8:23:39 AM | Love can not be "conditional" by its very nature.
When you love someone, you can't just "stop". You can logically recognize they're not a likeable individual, but feelings are a different matter.
I love my son equally when he brings 100% test score and when he brings a detention notice. I'm proud of him (or is it of my efforts paying off??) when he gets good grades and behaves well, but I don't love him less for being inconsiderate teenage monster either.
Same goes for a partner. I didn't leave my ex because I didn't love him. I still did during crummy marriage, his abuse, illness, drugs, when I found out he cheated, even when I filed for a divorce. I left because he wasn't a good person. | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 10:14:27 AM | In my mind unconditional love is something that you give without expectation of return. With that in mind I would say that most of us have our moments of unconditional love but only moments for most. Thats what Jesus and Buddha were supposed to be. Uncoditional love in the body of a man. Most of us aspire to be good or at least better but it seems impossible to live in the world and become like Jesus or Buddha totally but we weren't meant to be. Jesus and Buddha are meant to be an ideal and not of the real world. I think that living your life to the best of your ability and continuing to love and grow is the best you can do both for yourself and the rest of the world. Sometimes showing love can be love for yourself and figuring out who you are and where you fit in the scheme of things. Some times it is helping others. When you look at a homeless person on the street and they are especially sickly looking and you give them some money that is an act of love because you have put yourself in their position and did something that you could do for them without expectation of return. Of course most people don't go out of their way to do these things but when they do they have made themselves better in the doing. I could talk forever about this topic but in the interest of not boring too many of you I won't
Bob | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 11:07:21 AM | | Unconditional love is conditional on continuing to feel that way. Even this can change with time, or circumstances, though some can maintain it throughout their lives. Only change is permanent! | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 12:57:00 PM |
the only unconditional love you get is from your pet
AMEN TO THAT!!
I agree 150%
Humans are unable to give unconditional ANYTHING!! | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 12:59:01 PM | Humans are to selfish and insecure for unconditional love. It sad to see that pets can do more for this subject can humans can do for each other. | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 4:22:14 PM | | Yes, unconditional love is without a doubt easily done. My stepson was the first child in my life and I still love him unconditionally. If you are hoping that your boyfriend will feel the same way about your child, then read up on what it is like to be a step parent. Being a step parent is a challenge and it is a MUST that the biological parent understand this issue to help build that special bond between step parent and child. | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 4:25:37 PM | | I have known sigle men who have never married or had children who are quite capable of unconditional love. I don't know if your man is, but give him a chance until proven otherwise. | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 4:38:39 PM | I disagree with those of you who say that there is no such thing as unconditional love. I still love my exhusband, unconditionally. There is nothing he could do to make be not love him with the same love I have for my children and my parents, because I chose to make him part of my family.
That doesn't mean I'm going stay in a relationship that is hurtful to me--that part is definately conditional, which is why we got divorced! But I still love my kids when they make bad choices or say hurtful things. When you love someone unconditionally, you don't stop loving someone when they make choices that hurt you because you are emotionally healthy and capable of love. It doesn't mean that you can live together--but that's because of their behavior, not because you don't love them. Conditional love is basically just "I love what you do for me", which isn't what marriage shoud be either. Staying married is a blend of unconditional love and relationship conditions. You can't stay married if the relationship conditions change, but you don't have to stop loving someone. I think some people are just more capable of loving, because they know it's not a finite resource. | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 4:54:34 PM | I certainly feel love for children that are not mine. Nieces, nephews, friend's children etc. I don't see how an adult who loves you would not want to bond with your child. You and your child are a package deal. It may not be 'unconditional' like some birth parents might say, but it is love.
I would expect a Step Parent to be a good friend, a good role model and kind to my children. I do not think I would expect them to bond 100% as I have and just like a spouse or SO there are times they will drive you nuts. Unconditional love is a bit of a stretch IMHO, we are all human and have faults. How do you overlook and accept everything in another person when you won't do that for yourself? | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:08:44 PM |
Staying married is a blend of unconditional love and relationship conditions.
I believe that statement is a contradiction. as was your post..
unconditional mens...NO CONDITIONS | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:12:55 PM | I don't think that having children has anything to do with the ability to give or recieve unconditional love.
I also firmly believe that undconditional love is very possible between a man and a woman. Loving someone does not mean you will put up with bad treatment or even that you will be able to be around that person. It simply means that you will love them no matter what happens.
True unconditional love is the same if it is your child, your spouse, any other person, or even an animal. The difference between unconditional love for your child(other relatives, friends, etc.) and your spouse is that with the spouse you will also have two other forms of love for the spouse, Romantic love(sex) and Friendship love.
The hard part is finding someone you truly love unconditionaly that also feels the same way you do. | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:07:53 PM | Next time you use phrases like "selfish" and "immature", be sure you're looking in a mirror.
Pretty arrogant obeservation from BigDaddyJinx. We are all guilty of not giving unconditional love are we not? Even parents, Christians, and yes we all are guilty. So unconditional love is impossible except if you have learned to love like you have been loved from someone who has already loved you with unconditional love...and this is extremely rare indeed yet there are some who are able to give love unconditionally. | |
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| Unconditional Love
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:42:31 PM | Again something a parent says, usually a new parent. Long about the third child, somewhere around teenage "unconditional love" turns into "I wanna murder you". Children our people, some in which I do not like at all, others I absolutely adore.
Unconditional love to me doesn't even mean I have to "like" someone. Point in case my birth mother, hate everything about her, want nothing to do with her and haven't in 22 years, no idea where the woman even is or has been in all those years, BUT I will always have "unconditional love" for her. Not just because either, I have good reason for that love.
Love is love to me, either one has it or they don't. One shares it or doesn't. A man can have my unconditional love as long as he remains a MAN. Don't need to be my man, my husband, just respect me and love me for who I am and presto... ya got my love. | |
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