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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 9:20:52 PM | It's all well and fine to be giving, big-hearted and helpful...BUT....
I shake my head at all of these people (especially women) who set up elaborate lies and deceptions to hide the fact that daddy is delinquent...
I am over 50 years old and I still carry the scars of a silly mother and her doormat attitude to the stepfather. He was openly an ass*hole in everything and she always protected him, enabled his behaviours, and made excuses for him. When I berated her after I escaped the home, she just said to me that she loved him and when you love someone you do anything to make them happy. I told her that I hated watching her lose her self respect and dignity for a loser like him.
To aid and abet bad behaviour is NOT loving someone. How can that be loving? It's enabling their bad behaviour and keeping them trapped in irresponsibility and in loserville.
Do you really think your kids were all that dumb? No, they're really more in tune than you think.
Do you think you are being good role models for your kids about money doing this kind of theng? Do you think you are being a good role model for your kids with your behaviours? What are they learning from all of this?
Life is full of good and bad. Let your kids see the bad with the good...in an honest way.. and show them how to deal with it the healthy way...because it just might come into their lives to deal with down the raod.
Think about it. Imagine.......You watching your now grown-up daughter enabling her loser husband and taking his shit because...well....isn't that what she learned from you?
Also, martyrdom and sainthood ain't all that it's cut up to be. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/5/2008 9:41:33 PM | wow Daisy that is really rather harsh towards the OP.
She is trying to show her kids that their dad isn't a loser. Sure they will know soon enough, that dad really is, but at least they aren't being traumatized by a bitter pissed off mom that smears dad ever chance she gets.
What do they learn then??? Do they learn to love others and to give them a chance? Do they learn that sometimes no matter what, you can't always fix someone who you love, but is irresponsible?
She yanked the loan, but was willing to try and give him a chance to get on his feet, and be the person and dad she hopes he can be.
I don't agree on her buying presents, and saying they are from dad. However I do think she is just a mum, trying to do the best by her kids. To often kids don't get a chance to know their biological parent, because in the other parents infinite wisdom they have decided the child is better of without that person.
Some are right, and some are not.
Some of us have to learn the hard way, however I will never regret the fact that I have taught all four of the kids I raised that despite a divorce, I could still be kind to my ex. NOT A DOORMAT, but someone that puts the past in the past.
My kids have learned to remain friends with many of their ex relationships, and have a kinder out look towards others, that don't have belief in themself. Some manage to actually pull their life together, some don't.
I don't think it is fair to beat the OP up for not knowing how far is to far in trying to help he ex get his stuff together. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 3:38:05 AM | Thank you every one, Even the YES she is crazy. For the Xmas gifts their some under the tree for him from our son , as well as i sold him 2 games i got at the After thanksgiving sales and told him it was cheaper than they really were so he still felt like it PAID for them and I knew it was wrong to lie but he felt good and I know thier going to my kid. My son does not know anything about the loan, but he does know what dad did before that. I guess i am not crazy, I still have thoughts running thru my head (helping him) but they run a little bit faster now :) 
Thanks everyone, and sorry for those that have to deal with dead beat dads, I am glad that i don't have to wait on money from him cold day in hell that would be....
Wishing everyone a very merry Christmas, and hope each and every one finds that special "all I want for Christmas" gift under the tree .
Here's to good hearts and kind souls | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 6:02:52 AM | It is my opinion if what you saw altered your choice to lend your ex money - you motives were not upright and honest.
You had ulterior motives. Otherwise you wouldn't feel "conned" or "used" now that you've ease dropped and spied something that you were not intended to see.
What I think is nuts, is your need to do such a thing.
I think it's a little lacking in honesty and honor - to say you will help him, then withdraw that aid because you are snoopy, and offended by something you were never meant to see.
That's wrong.
I don't think it really matters what you saw.
I would say why were you putting yourself out there?
Because you had a motive you aren't telling us about. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 6:46:48 AM | Ok this is a bit off topic but it was mentioned by several posters so could seem relevent.
If you go throughout this forum you will find many women who are constantly saying their ex should go work at Mcd's if they are unemployed.... so if Mcd's hired all the men needing to pay child support etc. And those men out there actully took your advice by going to work at those fast food places etc.
Where do ALL the displaced teen workers entering the job market go for work? Those type of jobs are not for people to work at as a last resort kind of job if unemployed.
Those types of jobs are for our teens and younger generations to build workplace skills. To learn how to work in a team type enviroment. To get used to being both someone lower in the ranks of a team and ALSO if they show potential to give them a taste of leadership by being a shift supervisor.
Those tpyes of jobs also atract seniors. That bridges the knowledge gap between our teens and our aging generation which as a result offers the ability for transferance of knowledge over several generation bridges.
I know off topic but we have talked about everything from child support issues, dead beat dads, and the loan market in here.
Just think..... For every one of those jobs at Mcd's, Burgerking,etc. you would be taking a job away from someone just starting out. They have their employment programs built to cater to those developing mindsets, not to offer interm employment for a person going through a period of unemployment.
IMO it is not a matter of one of those jobs being benieth them as many people has said when these issues come up..... It is a matter of those jobs are not designed, constructed, intended, or suitable for the middle aged job seeker. They are not intended to be a temp job while searching for other work. They are jump starts to allow our younger generations a taste of the job market..... I too like many other people worked at Mcd's when i was a teen. I learned several things that help me still today so please stop advizing people to use those places as a last resort job.
The fair employment issues prevent them from discriminating based on age so as a result they have to hire someone seeking those positions and each one is taking a job away from our NEXT generation of workers that are just entering our workforce.
Sorry again for the slightly off topic. These are my opinions at least.
to the OP i think it was great for you to do what you did regarding the presents. Much better than handing over money. Christmas is not about presents.... It is about that feeling in your chest and joy felt by giving something to someone else.... From what i read and saw i would say from your chosen action that you found that little touch of Christmas spirit.
Don't spend your Christmas month being scornful that your ex didn't make his child support payment. Spend it being gratful that as a result of him being in your life and all the trouble he may be causing you, that without those troubles or him, you would not have your child that brings you the smiles, happiness, and joy it is clear you so enjoy.
Merry Christmas | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 8:17:22 AM |
I have sent out resumes on his behalf a few times less than 15 .....Why? Is he not capable of sending his own resumes?
Good Lord! You need to cut the umbilical cord, release the apron strings and tell this loser ex boyfriend of yours to start supporting his son.
Whilst YOU do everything for him, he won't lift a finger .
(I have no hopes in us getting back together & that's not why I offered). .....Bull! that's exactly why you did offer. Let me guess he's a friend and you want to maintain a friendship with him? (***New's at hand***)) He is also the father of your child and needs to step up to his responsibilities.  | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 8:41:47 AM |
I don't agree on her buying presents, and saying they are from dad. However I do think she is just a mum, trying to do the best by her kids. To often kids don't get a chance to know their biological parent, because in the other parents infinite wisdom they have decided the child is better of without that person.
I agree with Thime but also with Daisy. Also Babe said something rather profound.
Why cover for this guy? All the OP is doing is enabling his behavior and lack of responsibility. When the child's birthday comes along and he doesn't buy anything, his excuse is going to be, "I thought you were going to buy something on my name." So the OP needs to stop this enabling behavior right now or its going to get worse.
Now I want to comment on something that Babe said, that seemed quite harsh at first, but on reflection she may have a good point. Why did the OP alter her behavior "after" seeing something. If they are split, they are split, period. So all her enabling behavior seems done with the hope that the OP can get her man back. Not only it seems a little dishonest to herself, but in the end it will backfire because he will become nothing but codependent.
Unfortunately what the OP does is so common. But many women don't learn, they will simply rethink the whole process to where they find a way to justify it again. | |
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ngat73
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 58 | |
| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 8:45:44 AM |
My Ex has not paid child support in over 6 months ($1435 per mo) he has received birthday gifts, been bought groceries and there will be Christmas presents from him to his children. All purchased by me of course.
In the mean time, my savings are dwindling, I am shouldering the burden of all children's activities, clothing etc. He is not in jail because I cannot allow my kids to see that, my parents and siblings think I am an idiot. He has never said thank you.
But personal loan???? HELL NO.
Why buy gifts to your kids in your ex-s name? Why get him birthdy gifts? What is wrong with people? I don't get it. This is like positive reinforcement to ill behavior. You are enabling him to continue this behavior. I'm sorry but that is just crazy! | |
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ngat73
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 59 | |
| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 9:21:57 AM | I know this fat chick friend of mine....in excess of 260+ lbs. In her last relationship she put up $70K for this guys business and her other ex was using her for money too. She makes about $130K a year but living paycheck to paycheck and she rents. Every guy uses her for money. I have met men that say they know guys that take advatange of fat chics. Bad, but they are out there.
Well my friend (ex-friend-I refuse to talk to her or be friends with fat chics anymore-long story but my choice). I am also hesitant to be friends with gay men either, I have one close gay friend only because he can be trusted but most of them I don't trust, they are worst than catty women.
Anyway, my point to telling you the story of my fat friend is that she currently is housing a guy (we are mutual friends-meaning I hear both sides) that she is love with. Both are wrong, and both is taking advantage of the situation for their own survival and both aren't happy with the situation. Anyway, she is not getting laid and he "is" sleeping with other women. But, in her head she hopes that this will change. One night when I was on my way back from my parents. I called her and she didn't pick up the phone. So, I call her roommate, he tells me they are working on a boat and for me to come hang out. So, I call her she does not pick up and I call from his phone and she finally picks up. Coming to realize that I was there hanging out (where she should be-I guess) she texts me and tells me that "if I were her friend I would not be with him". I was like WTF? I was friends with him before I was friends with her. No one dictates what I can or cannot do. How embarassing for her when he tells all his friends (including me) that she was not allowed to know where certain friends live because this was his "safe house".
I tell you...people do things to get their way. This fat 48 year old woman knows what she is doing...when I rented my place out to a snowbird for 5 months I had the option to stay at my parents but she insisted I stay at her house. Which I did...but she only had me over there to lure him over because she thinks he has an infactuation with me (but really we are just friends). I asked her why can't she be alone until she find someone that really wants to be with her. She said it was different for me than her. Which I don't really believe, however even at her size she expects a thin and fit guy. There are men out there that sincerely likes fat chics. He is comfortable there as far as having food, but bottomline, she doesn't care if she is enabling him. He is not getting anywhere when there is someone that is ready to go out of her way to provide (to keep him around) when he doesn't have money. SHe is not looking out for him and being nice, she is sustaining his existence for her entertainment. She is crazy, anything to just get him home and be around. She can't hang out with her friends and is in a rush to run home and make sure she beats him home to make sure he has food to ensure he stays around for her amusement. I cut her off and refuse to be associated with people like this. I heard that she had asked about me (probably only because him and I still hang out-I had to cut out one side and it had to be her).
I felt bad for her prior to my decision to cut our friendship off and threw her a belated bday party which I financed and she had the audacity to dictate who I can hang with?
I have no problems with people of any ethic group or nature, however I find that it is very dangerous to hang with people with serious insecurities. They usually are very dysfunctional in one way or another or they go through unconventional methods to get what they want and sometimes they get you caught in the middle of things to ensure they have the stepping stone to get what it is that they are vying for. There is often an ulterior motive in mind with people like this. And, it just ends up making me feel used or put a bad taste in my mouth. Look at me now, I refuse to be friends with fat chics now. Bad I know, but I tried to help her lose weight and do the right thing as far as focusing on herself rather than her obssession. People are crazy and I have no time for it. They know what they are doing. SHe is not some dumb fat chic. | |
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MizQ
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Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 60 | |
| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 9:23:34 AM | That reading someting that was not for your eyes was your saving grace. No, you were not nuts. You were just not thinking clearly. I have been there.
Do not loan money to someone that has not birthed you or does not share any of your DNA.
If you do, just treat it as a gift that you will never get back. If you can handle that, then go ahead and loan it to them. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 9:32:56 AM | I wanted my kids to think well of their Dad. I realize now that I cannot form their opinions or help him be a better father. All I can do is set a good example, be responcible for them and give them the love and attention they deserve from me.
I know now that the behavior I excused for years during the marriage has not changed and I am only enabling it by coming to his rescue all the time.
I have never called him a deadbeat, or any bad names in front of the children. When I have to refuse something like a new game or a treat I say, "I cannot afford it, because your Dad has not been helping me out lately" I don't lie to them but I do not let them know the extent of his default.
I decided last night that it was over, we all come to that conclusion eventually.
As far as the McDonald's rant? I would not think the least bit bad about myself if I had to use a major corporation for a few months in order to pay my bills. I would need the money just like anyone else working there. Seniors and teens aren't the only ones with bills that should be paid. I didn't work at Burger King for a year in HS, because it was a stepping stone to my future maturity. I liked the $2.10 an hour.  | |
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Posted: 12/6/2008 10:19:40 AM | Carolann i enjoy your opinions very much but...
I cannot afford it, because your Dad has not been helping me out lately
Break that statement apart and what message it is sending to your kids..
I can not afford it. done complete statement as a parent well within what should be allowed to state. "BECAUSE, your DAD has not been paying." That however takes your power and authority over your children and passes it on to their dad. You had power when stating "NO!!! times are tough i dont have the money" which is basically what you said.
But.... the second you put in the second statement you passed the buck onto the other to preserve your kids liking you and respecting that you had to make the hard choice and statement of telling them they could not have something.
Please don't think i am perfect as a parent. But i never talk badly about my ex around my child (though i may have a few times) it is just not healthy because all it does is undermine your own authority. In my opinion at least....
I agree it could be seen as using a large corp to pay your bills. But in all your wisdom of years lived is it really fair to stack that wisdom against a child to compete for the same job?
got a teen child? what if you were trying to teach your child that to be successful in life you have to work for it. By having them buy their own sneakers for school, clothes they want etc. but in order to they have to get a job.
Would you want your teen to go to a temp sevice for day labor or factory assembly lines around moving equipment when they are sometimes space cadets daydreaming all the time?
No you would rather have them start at a place equiped to deal with those challenges.
Now your kid can't learn good work ethics with hands of experience because the jobs built for THEM are infested with middle age displaced workers with authority issues against a teen supervisor telling them what to do.
Sorry....lol.... Just doing my part to offer a different perspective that may help chase off someone considering taking one of those jobs. To point out that if a place like that has "x" amount of positions and "y" are filled with middle age workers with attitude problems because they are being ordered around by someone younger than they are then that also means that there is "y" amount of teens that did not get the job and are not learning how to be responsable or learning how to be a good employee.
How many families could be helped that have teenagers, if those teens were asked to help by buying their own things while still at home to allow the parent to guide their choices?
Personally, I say if you are middle aged and out of work instead of taking a job away from a teen, take the plunge figure out what makes you happy in life, figure how to make money doing it, go down to the city hall and get a business license, and GO DO IT! Sell yourself to other people not a huge corporation. That is the only thing that will lower the unemployment rate. IMO at least
A few weeks of non stop research, a few books, advice, and a few hundred bucks is the fast track having a better life IMO. No need to be unemployed or wasting gas driving filling out applications when belts are tight in the corp world and very few are hiring anyways. Find a niche and fill it with passion and POOF IMO on their way to being a employer instead of an employee.
Sorry i know i am harsh and judgemental sometimes. It is that been there done that got the badge and scars coming through. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 10:24:30 AM | | You had a generous impulse. That's not being nuts. I have those myself... I am glad however, you reined in that impulse. I agree, it is not a good idea to try to help someone who really isn't helping himself. So, generous impulses are good, but not always wise. We need to control them sometimes. | |
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~Eve~
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Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 64 | |
| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 10:26:44 AM | My Comment to ~Dreams~
As you said, tad off topic, but, I read your post regarding Micky D and teens. Micky D may just be a quick example that people give - "if someone is desperate to work" .
When our daughter started college my then... husband (now EX)... and I both took additional part-time work. (we both had good day jobs)
Him at a boat store selling parts and me as a front desk receptionist at a hospital.
I also had a friend that lost his job as a computer programmer. While drawing some unemployment, he was also allowed to earn some, so he worked nearly three months as a convienence store/gas station clerk.
I may be wrong and I realize unemployment is high, however, I believe most people can at least find "PART-TIME work, especially during Christmas season.
So... I don't think anyone should be discouraged from seeking employment anywhere. I know a DAD when his car died he lost his primary job because he had no way to get to it. The closest place was a Mckey D and he rode his bike, made enough to repair his car, went back to work full time and continued to pay his child support. (However, I realize not everyone is willing to do that)
If the money DAD earns at Micky Ds is used to pay child support, then it "IS" helping our future teens. Nothing wrong with your way, but, just another way to see it.
Warm Wishes  | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 10:53:24 AM | Wolfie, I just finished filling out all of the paperwork out and it is hitting the mailbox first thing in the morning. I'm never going to trust another living soul to do the right thing ever again, if not for your own children then who?
Good luck to you and your son thank you for the kick in the ass.--QOUTE
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You go girl, its the right thing.I see you are worried about him going to jail and not getting work. Why, he is not worried about how you cope, or manage.He does not give a rats ass.He is giving you nothing now , now so I would not worry about the job thing.Working or not, you still get nothing.He has not paid because he has never had to. Like Wolfie said above, see how quick he pays when jail is mentioned.Go kick ass Girl.Men like this, are a waste of oxygen. | |
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ngat73
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 66 | |
| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 10:57:19 AM | I was going to comment on this but instead just rolled my eyes and found something better to do, return email, texting, etc. However, it seems like Carolann's comments caught ~Dreams~ eyes too.
I wanted my kids to think well of their Dad. I realize now that I cannot form their opinions or help him be a better father. All I can do is set a good example, be responcible for them and give them the love and attention they deserve from me.
I know now that the behavior I excused for years during the marriage has not changed and I am only enabling it by coming to his rescue all the time.
I have never called him a deadbeat, or any bad names in front of the children. When I have to refuse something like a new game or a treat I say, "I cannot afford it, because your Dad has not been helping me out lately" I don't lie to them but I do not let them know the extent of his default.
I decided last night that it was over, we all come to that conclusion eventually.
All I have to say is, are people really oblvious to these self-destructing, manipulative moves people make in passive-aggressive relationships?
First, let me prefix myself by saying that I have no children but have changed enough diapers up to the age of 14 than a woman that has a family of two children (I have 6 brothers and 3 sisters, four younger than me) has.
CarolAnn, not to try to pyscho-analyze you but what is your intention of telling your children that you could not buy them something because their "Dad has not been helping out"? I'd also be really irritated if my children, seeing that I may be financially surfering ask me for a toy instead of being considerate for my situation (they should have learned this by example). Back in the day, I use to use paper that I cut into money to make a little "Disney World" with my siblings. You should have seen my creative rides. I didn't go to a field trips (ask for money) because I witnessed their (parents) hard work through the family business, my Mom's garden, and her job at the meat plant when we first came to this country as refugee. My Mom was there 13 years where my Dad left after four to open the business. To find, granted this was 5th grade in Kansas, that my parents did very well. They had so many kids that I didn't want to be a problem, everyone had a role to contribute to the family.
One: if I wanted to really protect my ex (even if I were naive about it being an enabler-this is negative btw :)) I would not end a comment to my children that he is the cause of why they aren't getting the toys they may or may not deserve. Albeit, you kids ae going to be really ****ed up in the head as adults, because they love you and don't know why you were so evil even though they love you and may think you may have had good intentions. My Mom explains this level of evil as to the works of a demon. However, me...I think sometimes we as humans are so resentful that we don't see the harm in communicating our anger in passive-aggresive ways. We inadvertantly let out this ugliess disguised in lovinless and confuse the **** out of people around. Honestly in ourselves is what helps us have a honest outlook of the world. We don't realize that this effects other people around us and ourselves in truley understanding the world and surrounding we are in...we are suppose to be protected at home but as it appears, no matter how disguised...the worst battlegrounds in life are at home.
BTW-when I used the word "we"...I was only using that word to be less offensive. Me? If I would to be playing those type of passive-aggressive games I would know its wrong and feel bad and not "justify" I was not wrong. If what you do is considered bad, you are bad, why disguise it? Fix it if you think it is bad, or accept that you are a bad person but never justify and confuse things. Not to attack or upset, CarolAnn seems like a nice person, but I bet your friends use the words "denial" before in relation to some of your discussions. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 11:26:32 AM | Sorry to Dreamer or Ngat, but I am at the end of the line here. I have protected my kids from their Dad's irresponsibility long enough. I do not spend my days talking about him Ever. But I am done shouldering the burden 100%. He can go out to restaurants, buy concert tickets for himself and spend his money as he wants to, but the time has come for him to be an adult and support his children.
Sorry if it is not PC to tell the truth, but until you have lived it you have no clue what it is like to always have to be the mature one, the responsible one or the one working a 2nd job to make ends meet when your Ex partner is not being a good Father. And putting food in their bellies and clothes on their backs IS being a good Father. Just being fun to be around will no longer cut it. Dreamer I don't know if you or your Ex pays support. But if you were on the receiving end and NOT getting the help the children need or the state says you need you'd feel far differently.
Passive Aggressive? No, just very tired.
and NGAT
ex-friend-I refuse to talk to her or be friends with fat chics anymore-long story but my choice
You have way more personality issues going on to be judging me kid. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 11:34:23 AM | Diablera Bruja:
Very very well said!!!
Dead beat dads are that way, because they are allowed to be. 
Dont waste your savings, what if illness comes or injury, how will you cope.Your kids need that money, more than him. Get his ass into court and get your money.No groceries or presents, let him shoulder his own burdens like a man.
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 11:36:01 AM |
I would scrub floors to feed my kids. He doesn't need to scrub floors to make sure the kids are fed; he's got you to do that. | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 11:40:35 AM | | No your not nuts at all. A bit of a caretaker that's all. What is wonderful is that you came to your senses and canceled the lone. Some people get there self worth/esteem from making sure the people around them are functioning well. Thank you for being so honest. | |
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ngat73
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 71 | |
| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 11:53:06 AM |
and NGAT
ex-friend-I refuse to talk to her or be friends with fat chics anymore-long story but my choice
You have way more personality issues going on to be judging me kid
I actually have plenty of friends and do have some personality issues (as everyone else on this site and this world) and she was wrong. And, I am often right. Theres more to my hypothesis of fat people and insecurities and complexes. What can I say... I am bad but just speaking my mind to people who don't know where I live. :) I protect myself by generalizing or maybe trying to get a rise or arouse something outside of "PC" bantering. It's boring. I don't think she eats a lot but she can drink twice as much as me and I believe people should fix what they don't like about ourselves. And, I believe there is some sort of mental ailment there that I do not want to be exposed to. I get annoyed real easy, and her manipulative frame of mine makes me feel like shit and used. So, I won't be good friends with fat people any more unless I am already friends with them of course. :) I have nothing in common with most of them anyway. She appearred very good hearted and nurturing but in the end I was used. She seem very intelligent, and she is but for some reason her insecurities leads her to make bad decisions in the way she manages results with people in her life. I attribute it to her insecurity that leads her to play the survival of the fittest game and I don't want to be a part of that. I know people should be judged invididually but I just have a bad taste in my mouth from the whole thing. For a period of time I would not date guys that are into cats because I attribute it to him being such a pussy. I don't feel that way anymore. IF I am wrong to feel that way than I am wrong. What can I say?
I feel for your situation. Thank God I am not in that situation. However, I was just pointing out what you were saying was hypocritic and that you may be in denial. | |
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~Eve~
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Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 72 | |
| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 12:00:03 PM | Regarding comments about "To Bash or not to Bash Dad to the Kids".
hmmmm......
I NEVER Bashed or spoke ill of DAD to our Daughter. Not during the marriage and not after. Never to this day. Married 27 years, she was 25 when we divorced. About 6 months after the split she learned sooooo much about him (from him/not me).
She is a kind, generous, pretty, educated, 5th grade teacher. Owns a house and lives alone. Married once for 5 months, no children, dates, but no steady guy. I don't blame him or me, but, I think because of the things she learned so late in life about her dad, she has trouble knowing what to believe, what is real, what or who to trust.
So... IMO. there is definitely a fine line between what and how much to let children know. I tried to be a good parent and my decision to not BASH/point things out about her Dad was my decision at the time and I thought it was best for everyone.
She is 36 now... and occasionally she will remind me, "MoM, you were a doormat to Dad". Not easy to hear... They say the truth hurts.
... Don't get me wrong she is not damaged or beyond repair and she loves her Dad very much. She knows he was human and he never did anything so terribly bad. HER MAIN POINT ISN'T WHAT HE DID... SHE ACTUALLY BLAMES ME FOR ALLOWING IT.....
None the less...and for what it's worth....he and I are still good friends
.... and... did I mention that he is on his 3rd wife........hmmmmm
Warm Wishes,
Orange Park Eve | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 12:09:42 PM | After reading some of the responses I was motivated to respond. It seems that several people believe that you are kind hearted. That may or may not be true. I'm confused how someone could come to that conclusion based on the content of a few hundred words? You wrote, "I have sent out resumes on his behalf a few times less than 15 ,no nibbles or anything, Well any ways, I offered to get a loan $1,000 so he can catch up on a few bills and buy a few things 4 our son for Xmas." Who puts a resume out for a "man/adult" unless he's in a coma. I read one response that the kids don't need to find out their father is a loser ...(something to that effect.) I believe the person that made that comment had good intentions. I can't help to think what those kids think if they found out (as young adults) that their mother did something like that for their father (?)! My guess is with little respect. My comments are in regards to a situation that I have little information on and a great deal of passion about.
Again Kudos to you for waking up and canceling the loan. You not only put it back on him to be accountable for himself you treated him like a man that is capable of either getting it together or facing what ever the results of his actions or lack of.
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~Eve~
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Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 74 | |
| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 12:14:30 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^
Mr. Beachst,
I can't help to think what those kids will think if they found out (as young adults)[\quote]
If you check my post you will see that is what happened to me.
Best Wishes,
Orange Park Eve | |
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| I THINK IM crazy
Posted: 12/6/2008 12:23:11 PM | | The more you do, the more he will DISRESPECT you. He's not into you, but he will take from you, and not like himself for doing it, so he will run for the hills after doing so. Imagine a guy doing the same for you. Let's say you meet a guy that's really into you, and he bends over backward, in order to meet your approval. The more he does, the more you disrespect him, or take him for granted, because you are really messing with other guys and have no intention on staying with him. You cannot change his feeling for you by doing more. Clear him out of your life, so you can MAKE SPACE for a guy who is into you. | |
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