| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/27/2008 5:09:35 PM | My guess is: you didn't get the last word with your dad and that bugs you ... maybe??
I dont think so. I think he is in one way sad that he never made up with his father and angry at same time for what his father done. Unless he forgives his father he will never get this out of his system. A previous poster is correct when she said you dont have to visit the grave to talk to your father. He can hear you no matter where u are. If you make peace with him (even though he is gone) it will bring you peace as well. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/27/2008 5:51:59 PM | | Write a letter to him, tell him all the horrible things he did/said. Read it out loud at his grave site , you will feel much better , at least more at peace with yourself, bring someone with you if you need to, the reason being for your letter writing and reading it out loud , burn it after , walk away, let it go, at his grave is this, sometimes we confuse our relationship with god and our fathers, My father is abusive = god is abusive . I'm in no way suggesting you start attending church every sunday or whatever nor do I want to get in a debate about spirituality, just do it!. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/27/2008 7:41:19 PM | My guess is: you didn't get the last word with your dad and that bugs you ... maybe?? I dont think so. I think he is in one way sad that he never made up with his father and angry at same time for what his father done. Unless he forgives his father he will never get this out of his system
Perhaps we should let the OP answer that one ... shall we??
Not everyone feels the need to make up with another person before the end comes. I would not make up with my mom before she dies and do not feel the need to forgive her to "get her out of my system" ... thank you very much. In fact, she couldn't "kick the bucket" fast enough for me. I look forward to her end time with glee!!   | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/27/2008 8:38:53 PM | This is a good thread.
OP, you'll bury those grievances when you're good and ready to.
I never visited my father's grave either, mostly because I was so pissed that he kicked off when I was so young, but also because at the time, my family was very poor, and Dad was buried in what's known as "Potter's Field," with a peg in the ground for a burial marker. The tag on the peg read '23.' Somewhere south of Spanaway, he's supposed to be, but I'm not sure exactly where. I can't find any cemetaries in that area nowadays--it's been all built up.
I have this mini-nightmare of searching for my father, only to find that the old cemetary got redeveloped into the cheap multifamily housing south Pierce County is known for. I imagine myself knocking on an apartment door, and when the harassed-looking middle-aged woman with the screaming kids opens it up, I politely explain that I want to talk to her shitter, because I think my dad's buried underneath it. She fixes me with her one good eye, and tells me the only person here is the Sullivan girl who died of smallpox in '44, and she's under the closet. Try two doors down. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/29/2008 1:49:34 AM | Forgiveness is something you do for yourself not for anyone else. When you forgive, you then are releaved from any blame or weight that you've been carrying. You won't be able to let it go until you forgive him.
No, you don't have to go to his grave, but for your own sake forgive him. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/29/2008 2:32:21 AM | | Hi OP/just a thought,do you know your fathers history at all?His childhood an upbringing?Was his father the same,beating him when he was little? My father died in 1995 an i took it very hard.Yet i still remember, those old belts that used to be used for sharpening the razors in usage at time,that is what got used on us when we were growing up.There was more but i wont go there.He was my father,although i have mixed feelings on some things,i still loved him.I do go ,but not often.With your past an present feelings,you have to weigh up how you feel about things an make your own choice.No yes or no,right or wrong.Follow your own gut feeling,as one poster said,you can express yourself however you like,over the grave site.It may,just help you move on a bit. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/29/2008 2:51:41 AM | gillyloves69.
are you wrong to go to his grave? well, how were you when he died?
I think it's best for you to go to his grave. And unload the hostility and
anger you have towards him. You'll feel freer, if not a little empty at first.
Bury it with him. And let it rest in peace. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/29/2008 4:41:36 AM | Not everyone feels the need to make up with another person before the end comes. I would not make up with my mom before she dies and do not feel the need to forgive her to "get her out of my system" ... thank you very much. In fact, she couldn't "kick the bucket" fast enough for me. I look forward to her end time with
Well not everyone is that hard hearted. If he was that hard harted he wouldnt be so upset still. He simply needs to say what he needs to say so he can begin to heal. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/29/2008 5:44:41 AM | If I were you I would go to his grave and tell him of the pain he has caused you.
Then I would forgive him for not knowing any better.
If your own children were raised in a loving environment then he has taught you a lesson in life.....respect your children, and don't do to them as he has done to you.
I lost someone once and I still look at his photo and curse the decision he made to drive his car drunk. It's been 31 years and I am still angry with him.
I'm angry because he didn't get to live the wonderful life I have lived because he thought he knew better and I guess it's the same with your late father.
Your father lived with bitterness, and I guess you never really knew why.
You need to get things off your chest and breakdown to release your frustration. Being at your fathers grave will be the closest you can get to him. Remember he can't hurt you now, but you can tell him what you have always wanted to tell him. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/29/2008 6:05:42 AM | OP... My 'mother' put me through hell growing up, and at one point in time I was physically hurt severely by something she had done. And she stood over me laughing histericaly, and told me I had to grow up some time. (I was assaulted by her male friend at age 15) She was abusive, drug me to bars at the age of 14-16, and made me grow up way before I ever should have. Nothing I ever did in her eyes was good enough, and I could never figure out why.
After who I thought was my real father had died, I found out he was not my real father, and that explained alot of the reasons my mother took everything out on me. Also explained why I was the only tall blue eyed blonde in the family of short, dark haired, brown eyed people.
Also my father could never stand to be around me for that matter. As he wanted nothing to do with me growing up, nore did his mother, my grandmother. So I was the brunt end of all the hatred between the three of them.
In February (4 years this comming) years ago, I called my mother after her not speaking to me for almost six years. I tried to make ammends and find out just why she hated me so much when it was her that made the mistakes to where I was born, and not me. Even then, she degraded me, and told me how bad a person I was, and how much better my two sisters and brother were than I would ever be. I have owned businesses, won awards, did good for myself, all by myself without the help of anyone. But nothing in her eyes was ever good enough when it came to me.
All this hostility from her and my so called family, just because I was born.
I vowed then to never speak to her again.
Well she died, and was burried on my birthday, that year, but neither my two sisters or brother, bothered to call me and let me know until after she was burried., and they took thier share of what they wanted from her home.
I was not even in her will, but the three of them were.
So with her being burried on my birthday, it was like a present for me, sad to say, and I'm not sure who got the last word in, me or her.
But I do know I sat and cried when I got the message about her. And not because of the love for my mother,(or lack of it) and her death, because there was never any love there, but becasue I was finaly free from her, and her rulling caniving degrading ways she had put me through for aproximatley 50 years!
There are times you can not get over things that people do to you, and she is one of them. Even in her death, I at times still hear her voice and feel her hatred attitude around me. But I know now I am free of her, and she can not hurt me ever again.
Will I ever visit her grave no... I lost nothing there. What is burried there is something I never had in the first place. A mother..... | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/29/2008 11:45:25 PM | This is no longer about something between you and your father. This is now about something just inside of you. My father was a very abusive alcoholic. When he died, there was a great deal of unfinished business between us. I continued to struggle with the anger and the frustration, still expecting him to change to make me better. I felt justified in my indignation. It finally hit me one day about four years later that my father was really dead, really gone. And that he couldn't come back to fix anything. It was now completely my job. It took a great deal of personal work, soul-searching and getting myself to a better emotional place. I started to realize that forgiving someone is never about overlooking what that person did or forgetting about it. It's about learning to let go of the hurt from the past so my present and future aren't poisoned. Forgiveness isn't for them.... it's for me. Recognizing this is what allowed me to go to my father's grave one day after about 5 years. I sat there for a good 45 minutes venting everything inside me, screaming, crying.... and eventually finding some peace inside myself by forgiving him.
Doing something like this is a decision only you can make, but I can tell you from experience that it's a liberating experience.... for me definitely. And who knows, perhaps for my father as well. Best wishes to you. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/30/2008 1:37:17 AM | I didnt here you say u hated your father or that you dont love him and i didnt hear you say that he hated you or didnt love you .
You said
i did'nt like my father's victorian values and introvertness ...and at the same time he was a very big man and dish out a brutal beeating when i was just a child ( which is one of the reasons why i did'nt like him very much )
And why are you arguing with your father 4 years on theres nothing to argue about hes dead .
What i see is a man called gillyloves 69 lol sorry thats not funny obviously you do
And i would say u are a decent law abiding well adjusted Person
yes i read your profile seems to me what ever your dad did you turned out pritty good regardless
would i say that your dad is proud of you yes i would if anybody is asking for forgiveness its your dad because he now sees how you feel hes in a different place and yes he does love you so do yourselve a favour drop by the gravesite and have a chat to your dad and set yourselve free im sure he would want that 2 .
All the best buddy | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/30/2008 2:10:25 AM | I had the same kind of upbringing.
OP - to thine ownself be true.
If you go, go because YOU WANT to go. Don't do it for you Dad or anyone else.
You're still "arguing" with your Dad because you still have unresolved issues with him, and you know, if you don't resolve them you'll just keep finding people like him to work them out with, probably in close relationships.
Forgiveness is a gift you gift yourself but you can't fake it. All of the rage and feelings of betrayal and hurt must be processed and expressed for you to move on.
If you're feeling guilt about not going to the funeral, that is also an emotion that needs to be explored.
Why do you feel guilty about not going to the funeral of a man who terrorized you as a child? It's a logical feeling to NOT want to go. Follow that question to its conclusion. Don't judge yourself about the answers that come up. Let yourself feel everything.
This is how we heal. We release the pain by feeling it. A lot of people avoid feeling the pain, and thus create more and more pain for themselves. Life just keeps calling us to release that pain though. Here, it seems, is another opportunity for you to do so.
I haven't spoken to my own father for years. I don't have guilt about it because he makes it impossible to have a relationship with him that isn't dishonest or abusive,with my being the recipient of his abuse which I will no longer be. He sent me a Christmas card a couple of years ago "forgiving" all the people who had HURT HIM. That's my Dad, unable to take responsibility for his behavior and constantly blaming other people.
He is narcissistic and manipulative. He's also ill with Diabetes.
When he dies, I honestly don't know if I will go to the funeral. I know everyone will be expecting me to take a large part in orchestrating it, but I WILL NOT DO THAT! I might go or I might not, but whatever I do it will be what I want to do, and not for anyone else.
I'm the only person living in my skin. I have to live with myself and any decision I make.
Best of luck to you! | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 1/16/2009 2:21:31 PM | but i'm now ready to face the issue and finally talk about it !
Im glad you decided to face this issue you have with your father. That is the only way you can heal on the inside. Saying what you need to say will give you the peace you are looking for and need. Its normal to be angry but to hold a grudge for yrs and yrs only hurts you. Sounds like you have been hurt enough. best wishes to you and yours. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 1/16/2009 7:30:45 PM | Ah, gillyloves, if you don't deal with it, you might wind up like my mother. She is 84 years old and she is still stressing over things that happened 80 years ago.
hi gwendolyn2008 ! before we even start taking about this my name is gillyloves69 ..not gillyloves !like how your name is gwendolyn2008 ..not Gwendolyn ! its nit the name my father gave me its a name i chose for myself ! because gillyloves69 please call me gilly of you can't stand the thought of 69 sex !...but please don't try and change my name !
after you've being through so much and discovered who you really are and what you're all about its nice to have people to except you what you really are if you're really going to start talking about yourself !
no more having 'other people ' spinning around ' who you really are or what you're trying to say or how you choose to express yourself !
that was one of my biggest arguments with my father ! somebody that was an introvert ( apart from with his wife ...very extrovert then ) ! that just kept turning ' YOUR REAL THOUGHTS AROUND ..WHILST NOT ENTERTAINING YOU WITH HIS ...BUT JUST VIOLENTLY BEAT YOUR ASS WHEN HE THOUGHT YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG '
and then as soon as you've grown up aged 21 then have to go through the same shit for 12 years as a n***** television studio location ligthing technician at bbc television
if you prefer talking to people that don't love two way oral sex fine !... but please don't change my name !
and whilst we're talking about you and your mother i promise i won't call you both anything apart from what you both wanted to be called !..but i'm sick to death of this false respectability shit !
anyway Gwen tell us all about your mother ?
1. what was she like as a mother ?
2. how did you get on with her ?
3. what was she all about ?
4. what did she teach you ?
5. did you get on better with her than your father ? ...if so why ?
6. was she and introvert or an extrovert ?
7.how did that affect you ?
8. were you born with a silver spoon in your mouth ?
9. did you get on bettter with your uncles or aunties better than any of your parents ?
10. later on i hope to start to talking about legacy's ( not financial legacy's ..BUT WHAT THE SPIRIT OF PEOPLE THAT PAST REALLY LEFT BEHIND !
before we really get into all of this i just want to say that i don't fully understand the rules of this forum on this site because i'm used to talking openly somewhere else where people have gotten use to me and the way that i talk on dating website forums by now !
so the first thing that i'd really nice to say his a big thank thank you to everybody who for months replied to my forums post that i never responded to because don't understand why certain threads get banned and how many times you can reply to people on a thread everyday ! the bussiness of ten spaces per reply and everything still confuses me ???? or else i would have replied to some people long time ago if i was allowed to
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 1/17/2009 7:10:29 PM | gilly
a father who brutally beats his child who as an adult feels he somehow owes his father respect..is unworthy of it
why not take your anger to the gym and beat the punching bag keeping in mind the bag is you and you are your father..afterwards..see if it makes you feel deserving of that little boy's love, whom you beat so hard. Do you think it changed anything in you?
you will find nothing has changed..you see a man who beats his child is actually hurting inside .. hates himself and thinks he has nobody to take it out on but his child..usually the child usually takes those beatings with him and continues the pattern on his own children
if you are free of doing the same thing he did..be thankful to God and move on
going to your father's grave serves no purpose..not even for you
it might even make you angry later on that you did this service
I would advise you to seek help in this area. A professional can really help you free yourself of this heavy emotional burden.
I will pray for you ..
ABB =) | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:50:28 PM | | Your arguing cuz your not past all the stuff he did to you, when you were a child. You havent forgiven him. I know its a hard thing to do, (when all you want is to pull him out of his grave & beat the crap out of him). I've been there. Give it time, seek counselling. Your not wrong in not visiting, your just mad. It will pass. | |
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| why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 2/8/2009 3:46:28 AM | | It has been noted that our being dies twice; first when we die ourselves and second when memory of our being perishes with others. Refusing to visit his monument doesn't banish his being from your consciousness. He will always be part of your life for better and worse. I don't find it particularly odd that people have issues with the deceased, but I think that by visiting his grave you can perhaps resolve some of them. Knell down before him and talk for a long as you need; it's never too late to address these issues my friend. | |
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