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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/18/2008 6:53:04 AM | A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning,
sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night." | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/19/2008 9:38:59 AM | | Do you want to speak to the person in charge or the women who knows it all???? | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/19/2008 9:41:10 AM | Women have no faults, men only have two.... everything they say and everything they do.....
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:59:33 AM | One day, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/19/2008 4:52:19 PM | Women never do what, Dave, dear?
Rock on.
~mary Christmas
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/20/2008 5:13:37 AM | What did God say after SHE created man?
"ewwwwwwww..."
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/20/2008 7:19:54 AM | What did Adam say the first time he saw Eve?
"Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is going to get!!" | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/21/2008 2:05:22 PM | A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.
Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet." | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/21/2008 8:22:08 PM | HEHEHEHEHE !!
Thank YOU! | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/27/2008 1:34:38 PM | | But soon to be!!!!!!!! Too bad men have two heads to think with and use the wrong one to do it with... | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/27/2008 2:28:38 PM |
How to Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/27/2008 3:07:35 PM | Long version of man's shower:
Replace # 9 with: M@sturbate using soap.
... ~*~ ... ~*~ ... ~*~ ... ~*~ ... ~*~ ...
~*How to Shower Like a Woman*~
... ~*~ ... ~*~ ... ~*~ ... ~*~ ... ~*~ ...
Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you slept in because there was a distinct chill in the air at bedtime due to the temperature having dropped below 70 degrees.
Walk to the bathroom wearing a long robe and a towel on your head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bathroom.
Turn on the hot water only and let run.
Look at your womanly figure in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam, and adjust the water to a temperature slightly below boiling point.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Rinse.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Rinse.
Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Rinse.
Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).
Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway, the hair helps keep you warm.
Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in "10".
Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of hotter water.
Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bedroom.
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 12/27/2008 4:14:06 PM | THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE/ DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 Shopping
25 Shopping
35 Shopping
48 Shopping
66 Shopping
DRUG
17 Shopping
25 Shopping
35 Shopping
48 Shopping
66 Shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 Tall, dark and handsome
25 Tall, dark and handsome with money
35 Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 A man with hair
66 A man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE/ DRINK
17 Beer
25 Beer
35 Beer
48 Beer
66 Shot of Jack with a Beer chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 You won't have sex with me
25 You won't have sex with me
35 You won't have sex with me
48 You won't have sex with me
66 You won't have sex with me
FAVORITE SPORT
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Wishing he could still have Sex
DRUG
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Viagra
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Sex
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Sex (but now it's only a fantasy)
HOUSE PET
17 Mom's old cat Muffy
25 Wild Turkey
35 Dust bunnies
48 College-age daughter's abandoned cat
66 Candy the inflatable Love Mate
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 NEVER
25 NEVER
35 NEVER
48 NEVER
66 25
IDEAL DATE
17 Sex
25 Drinks and Sex
35 Dinner, drinks and Sex
48 Dinner, drinks, Sex and breakfast
66 Preferably female
Rock on.
~m | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/1/2009 10:30:44 PM | I realy hate it when all you retarded men constanly put woman down, they are wonderful, and I would never wish for anything but one, because If I was unable to have one I would have to clean the toilet, bathroom, rest of house, wash my own clothes, buy them, clean the car, mow the lawn, clean up the yard, cook, wash the dishes, shop, balance the household budjet and a host of other little things. Like mastibate all the time.
woman are wonderful, wished I had one. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/2/2009 12:35:07 AM | Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself, 'what problem could be greater than this one?'"
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/2/2009 2:03:08 AM | Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:
The professor told his class one day:
“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students Rebecca and Gary:
THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurried and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
Bitch
(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/2/2009 4:57:13 AM | | Was cute right up to the end.... then was really funny. thanks for the morning laugh | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/2/2009 9:52:41 AM | | Hahahaha, that was golden! But really, where was she expecting a guy to go with that first paragraph? I would have been pissed and turned to an alien invasion plot line too, lol! | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/5/2009 7:34:02 AM | A new two-year degree is being offered at the
university that many of you should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man
That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be
a real man as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts).
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for
Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to
Getting in at 4 am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're
Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a
shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your
Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are
Important 1
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary
(Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not
Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered
Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are
Important 2
Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001 Cheaper to Keep Her | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/5/2009 5:37:33 PM | | Super keep em coming....................... | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/6/2009 12:36:44 PM | After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her
bedside.
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean he has a penis and a brain?" | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/6/2009 1:11:55 PM | | interesting, not one reply here about this from a .... woman | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/9/2009 3:38:39 PM | | Who care who there coming from.............. It's refreshing to find a man who can find humor in jokes whether it's about male or female..... | |
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