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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/10/2009 12:15:32 AM | My girlfriend Jennifer once said a penis caused hearing problems.
Whenever she was around one alot or touched one too much she couldn't hear her girlfriends giving her the a$$hole alert. Furthermore, if you have a penis it must affect your ability to hear and speak. Often while at work she would suggest something to her male counterparts and it would fall on deaf ears; however, if someone with a penis mentioned the same thing suddenly the suggestion was golden. She figured if she could only get a penis of her own she would do pretty good. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/10/2009 8:28:21 AM | In the beginning, God created man, when he was finished he saw that man wasn't perfect.
So he had another go, and created women, now she was perfect in every way.
Then God saw how women would spend all eternity rubbing her perfection in man’s face.
So to compensate men for the hardship they would face, God created BEER! | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/10/2009 11:59:56 AM | | OK..."Lemming728"~if GOD is percieved as being perfect & in your message you refer to him as "he"....then you must thinking backwards. Haha! | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/10/2009 12:27:56 PM | | When God created man she was only kidding.......... | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/10/2009 12:29:42 PM | This is hilarous you are so close to the truth  | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/12/2009 6:47:28 AM | A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack." | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/12/2009 6:51:47 AM | A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO BUYING GIFTS FOR MEN
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is
for women. Follow these simple rules and you should have no
problem
Rule #01: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does
not matter if he already has one. I have a friend
who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,
you can never have too many cordless drills. No one
knows why.
Rule #02: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him
anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men
love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I
borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you
through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no
one knows why.
Rule #03: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything
for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle
of deicer or something to hang from his rear view
mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows
why.
Rule #04: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And
never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to
wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey
shorts.
Rule #05: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the
ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of
money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little
picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he
flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #06: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If
you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.
Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #07: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of
after shave or deodorant. We do not stink - we are
"earthy".
Rule #08: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless
drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be
labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts.
Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the
idea. No one knows why.
Rule #09: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin any occasion
and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron
Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley
RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts
and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent
men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know
what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something
I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford
Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but
they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue
with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas
line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who
wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a Denver Broncos, Colorado Rockies, Central
Texas Stampede games are a smart gift. However, he
will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of
19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love
a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to
Rule #08 and what happens when he gets a label
maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a
step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one
knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy
origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says
love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No
one knows why. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/12/2009 4:55:29 PM | | LOL The frog one is so funny... thanks for all the laughs | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/13/2009 1:17:27 AM | lol, I agree that must be the TRUE version lol, love it | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/13/2009 11:47:58 AM | | so funny so much keep up the good work | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/14/2009 1:16:18 AM | | omg I had to mass email that one. rofl | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/14/2009 7:30:03 PM | What is a mans definition of safe sex?
Padded head board. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/15/2009 7:02:15 AM | DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Here it is nicely illustrated:
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, and more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scum balls.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
Knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
"What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so......'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
"That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'' | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/15/2009 10:13:04 AM |
When God created man she was only kidding..........
Amen | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/15/2009 11:50:00 AM | It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress -- sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
Then said, "Now, tell him you have a headache." | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/15/2009 7:13:45 PM | Ever notice how women's problems start with men?
MENopause
MENstruation
MENtal breakdown
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
The reason why so many bi women are in relationships with men is because they like the pink, but aren't willing to put up with another woman's shit.
"Sometimes I wonder if the fig leaf on Eve's twat is actually an air freshener." — Murdoc.
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/15/2009 8:01:32 PM | Perfctly Imperfct
Squeal! That was too funny!! | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/15/2009 10:51:50 PM | Dusty: “When God created woman, he gave her not two breasts but three. When the
middle one got in the way, God performed surgery. Woman stood before God,
with the middle breast in hand. Said, ‘What do we do with the useless boob?’,
and God created man.” A Prairie Home Companion (Woody Harrelson)
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/16/2009 7:21:44 AM | HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
Senior Citizens are not old and forgetful. They are CHRONOLOGICALLY GIFTED with INFORMATIONAL OVERLOAD. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/16/2009 9:12:35 PM | Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can a chieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.
He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
THIS IS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/18/2009 4:52:03 AM | A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He sees his wife in bed and says, “this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”
His wife looks at him disdainfully and says, “that’s not a pig, you total moron. It’s a sheep.”
He replies, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
A young son asks…”Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?” To which his dad replies, “That happens in every country, son.”
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/18/2009 9:56:27 AM | A difference in grammer.
From a mans perspective.
Women, WITHOUT her man, is nothing.
From a womans perspective
Women, without her, MAN is nothing | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/19/2009 6:37:18 AM | What men say.
What it means!
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up." | |
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