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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/19/2009 8:07:08 AM | LOL 
WOMAN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No! = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about
MAN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:40:42 AM | | Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!! | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:37:46 PM | A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of SaranWrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts." | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:36:01 AM | I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car! | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/21/2009 12:04:49 PM | hahahahhahahahhahahhahhahahhahahhaha | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/21/2009 3:05:25 PM | A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids .
'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have big tits and lots of money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/21/2009 6:37:22 PM | A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password...something he will use to log on.
The husband figured he would try for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in…
P…..
E…..
N…..
I…..
S…..
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/22/2009 6:29:39 AM | | "Man says to God: God why did you make women so beautiful? " God says: So you would love her... ' But God why did you make her so dumb? " God replies... So she would love you... | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/22/2009 6:31:33 AM | One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What’s the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you."
"What’s a ‘woman,’ Lord?"
"This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?" | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/22/2009 7:42:32 AM | A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”
“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse. Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
“I don’t remember much after that.”
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/23/2009 6:07:15 AM | 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
''After months of careful research, MALE& FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps or your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
============================================================
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/23/2009 7:35:30 AM | **Comebacks For Women**
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/23/2009 1:35:24 PM | FOR THE GIRLS:
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two...if you slice them very thinly.
What's the quickest way to a mans heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are all pigs.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candle lit dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything.
A woman to read the directions for him.
What has eight arms & an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's a mans idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
Why did God createman before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
What is the difference between men & women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder"Instruction Manuals".
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted
What did God say after creating man?
"I can do better."
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
Why do men name their penis?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes their decisions.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a) One. Men will screw anything.
b) One. Men will screw up anything.
c) Five. One to do the screwing, and four to listen to him brag about it.
d)One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll?
Nobody knows...it's never happened.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the s-h-i-t out of you.
What do an anniversary, a toilet, and a clitoris have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because men fake foreplay.
What does a man call true love?
An erection.
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years.
He wouldn't ask for directions.
Why do men need instant re-play on TV sports?
They forgot what happened 30 seconds ago.
Where cn you find a man who is truly committed?
In a mental hospital.
Why did God creat man?
Because vibrators can't ask you to dance or buy you drinks.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck & the noose.
What's a mans ultimate embarrassment?
Running into a wall with an erection & breaking his nose. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/23/2009 2:04:34 PM | FOR THE FELLAS:
What are the small bumps around a woman's breast?
It's Braille for "suck here".
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
Because when they come... they are wet & wild. But when they go... they take your house & car with them.
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tire, & call it a Goodyear.
What is an "Australian" kiss?
It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under".
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
What is the difference between a battery & a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the 3 fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2)Telephone
3) Telewoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to use it.
Why is the space between a woman's breast & her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits there.
How do you make 5lbs of fat look good"
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake-up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a reallybad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary" things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with..."A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door & your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to. | |
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| BATTLE OF THE SEXES
Posted: 1/24/2009 7:40:08 AM | BATTLE OF THE SEXES
Top 40 reasons it's great to be a guy:
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and haircutters dont rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you dont have to stall on every shot
of someone crying.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
When your work is criticized, you dont have to panic that everyone secretly
hates you.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
You dont have to shave below your neck.
If youre 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Flowers fix everything.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Michael Bolton doesnt live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statments ents to mean your lover is about to
leave you
Hot wax never comes near you pubic area. One mood, all the time.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $2,000. Tux rental: $100.
You dont mooch off others desserts.
If you retain water, its in a canteen.
ESPNs SportsCenter.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
If you dont call your buddy when you say you will, he wont tell your friends
you've changed.
Someday youll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become
lifelong buddies.
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
If something mechanical doesnt work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it
across the room.
Top 40 reasons it's great to be a girl:
You won't starve without a can opener.
Your friends won't get drunk and hit on your sister.
Jeweller's and grocery stores won't rob you blind.
Short skirts will always cure unemployment.
Male Pattern Baldness.
You're 5 times less likely to kill yourself.
"Heavy Lifting" isn't a necessity for ployment on your resume.
You'll never get a draft card.
You can distract an entire roomful of men just by reapplying lipstick.
You smell better. No matter what.
When you fight, you fight to kill.
You can cook your own food.
You see the humor in war.
You rule the bathroom.
Mo matter how long it takes to get ready, guys will always wait for you.
Sex means never having to finish the job.
It's ok for you to marry for money.
No one ever mistakes your chest for a bathmat.
You'll never have more hair in your nose than on your head.
You don't consider urination a competitive sport. .
You don't consider tomato sauce to be a fashion stat ent.
You'll always get served first in a hardware store.
Men are optional.
The Three Stooges don't live in your universe
You'll probably never have to change a lightbulb.
You never feel compelled to scratch yourself in public.
You can bend over in prison.
You can walk down the street without mentally undressing everyone around you.
You can always find a sucker to pump your gas for you.
You can wear your sister's clothes without making a major lifestyle adjustment..
Short girls are "petite". Short guys are "midgets".
Grooms all look the same. Everyone only wants to see the Bride.
No matter how ugly you are, you'll always be able to get laid.
No matter whose place you stay at, you'll always get the bed.
"Stagettes" are our little secret!
Someday you'll be a rich widow.
No matter what you do, you'll always be "daddy's little girl" (this is not
sexual, you perverts).
You don't consider farting to be the epitome of humour.
You secretly admire Loreena Bobbitt. .
Your idea of a good movie doesn't need "Debbie does . . ." in the title. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/24/2009 7:56:26 PM |
PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
LOL! | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/26/2009 5:40:03 AM |  traptsexydemon (msg 41)Thank you for that , its so reminded me of me and my ex. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/26/2009 6:38:50 AM | WOMAN's POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
pray he's gainfully employed,
And,when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/26/2009 9:40:12 PM | The hit-and-run victim was getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over," the shaken man told the cop."The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized the laugh."
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/27/2009 6:24:50 AM | | Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive and refused to apologise when wrong. No further testing is planned. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/27/2009 2:26:27 PM | | If she was a slut and he crossed for her maybe he is one too?? yup he is | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/27/2009 5:28:31 PM | How many men does it take to open a beer?
None; she should already have it open when she brings it. | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/27/2009 8:52:22 PM | I found this on another thread and it fits well here too:
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not." | |
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/28/2009 5:55:39 AM | A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work c0ckail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said. "Clean my house."
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| Women V/S Men
Posted: 1/28/2009 8:33:05 AM | Why Men Are Happier
Men can play with toys all their life.
Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.
Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.
Chocolate is just another snack.
The whole garage belongs to them.
Weddings take care of themselves.
Men's last name never changes.
Everything on a man's face stays its original color.
Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relative on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
For men, wrinkles add character.
Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.
Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
Men have one mood all the time.
A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks
Men can open all their own jars. | |
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