|
|
|
|
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 2/15/2009 9:46:35 PM | why women live longer
oh happy day
Little rubber
scrungee
I can open my own jar
What wedding dress
Variation in Moods allows us to verbalize stress
Lefty Lucy, righty tighty
Keegles turn any screw
the right way
New shoes for comfort not for sex appeal
Vacations are about Holidays
Its not stress over luggage issues who cares how much you take
For women Wrinkles mean Acceptance of our humanity
No living up to Mythology of Character
Sometimes thoughtful gift giving brings Joy
Flexiblity-Flexibiltity from the tips of our toes to the roots of our dyed hair
we can wax it pluck it grow it dye it depending on the amount of acceptance and
fuss we want
UM mens brows and ears get really woolly and wild and grey like big huge catepillars
It isn't the same color, women's get a little bushier and grey both men and women get age and liver spots on their faces
Flexibilty again women demonstrate it frequently morphing from maiden to married name to hyphenated divorced name to single name again.
Weddings are planned by marvelous decisive organized people--not magic elves but women, usually the bride or wedding planners sometimes it is men but they do not jsut happen.
Oh the Garage cluttered with all that someday ebay collection, oh you stubbed your toe and banged your head and can't find the hammer in there? Did you want me to find it with my inter uterine radar device.
Chocolate is a reward
best after reading DA posts
womens large bellies sometimes
Provide them with children and then the resulting Grandchildren
Enriching their lives
women can take up sewing and needle crafts to busy their hands and fingers
creating and destressing
womens mustaches help them create gender confusion
women collect shoes and purses
No limitations
women can wear skirts no matter what the season
Tights hide most ugly leg demarcations
Women can play with any of men's toys any time they want | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 8/27/2009 7:57:48 PM | When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
******************************************************
The Difference Between Small Breasts and Large Breasts
Women with big breasts…
* ..can get a taxi on the worst days
* ..have a neat place to carry spare change
* ..have always been the centre of the arts
* ..make jogging a spectator sport
* ..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
* ..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
* ..always float better
* ..know where to look first for lost earrings
* ..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
* ..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Women with small breasts…
* ..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
* ..always look younger
* ..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
* ..can always see their toes and shoes
* ..can sleep on their stomachs
* ..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
* ..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
* ..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
* ..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.
**********************************************************
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart". | |
|
| |
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:59:46 PM | Q: What do you do if your boyfriend walks out the door?
A: Close it behind him.
Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A: Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's men who end up playing with them.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."
Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.
Q: Why do women want beauty over brains?
A: Because men see better than they think.
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.' | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:54:58 AM | What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
 | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:26:19 PM | Gebus,
No offense intended to the women
Why most women would make lousy truckers
1 you give them a l0@d, and it takes them 9 mos. to deliver. 
I guess the " lynch mob" would prefer a double hanging. 
 2 all,
Dale | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/8/2009 10:11:53 AM | why do women whear makeup and perfume?
cause theyre ugly and they stink. | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/10/2009 9:37:40 PM | What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:15:39 AM | WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
Reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious
But please only read lines 1, 3, and 5. | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/11/2009 12:31:25 PM | Boys rule, girls make good pets.
What, its in response to a earlier post.  | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/11/2009 2:53:10 PM | There is one way to win an argument with a woman. We just haven’t figured it out yet.
There are two ways to stop a woman from arguing. Give her chocolate or send her shopping.
There are three theories to arguing with women. None of them work.
There are four ways to tell a woman you love her. They are all expensive.
There are five ways to show a woman who’s the boss. It doesn’t matter, it will never be you. | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/13/2009 6:13:03 AM | When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, so I am looking for a girl with big tits. | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:45:38 AM | EXCELLENT! Love all of them, especially the pay phone one.
Here is another one: Men are like credit cards, there is a limit to how much fun you can have with them, and eventually you end up having to pay for it. | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:48:13 AM |  Funny because it is true! | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/15/2009 4:22:28 PM | INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Gas and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Best Wishes, Babe!
Tech Support | |
|
dp503
|
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 116 | |
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:17:50 PM | What is the smartest thing that has ever came out of a womens mouth?
Einsteins co ck.  | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/16/2009 9:52:09 AM |
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
I wanna meet the guy who makes this stuff up! | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/17/2009 8:38:58 AM | THE DAY THE REAL MEN SHOWED UP
Yesterday, Emily and Junior were in a car accident.
Both of them are just fine, I'm happy to report...not even a little
sore. But "The Short Bus" (aka Emily's bright yellow SUV) took a
wicked beating.
Someone ran a stop sign, hit Emily's front driver's-side quarter
panel and that was pretty much the end of the day for it.
Time to call the tow truck.
Now, that's not to say Emily wasn't more than a little shaken up by
the whole thing. So much so that when I answered the phone back at
the office, I was greeted by a male voice.
"Hello, is this Mr. McKay?"
"Yes, that's me. How may I help you?"
"Well, the VERY FIRST thing I want to tell you is that your wife
and son are JUST FINE. But there's been an accident, and they need
you to come pick them up."
Emily had been too emotional to dial the phone. Thankfully, the
guy who had dialed the phone saw the whole thing transpire, rushed
to make sure everyone was okay, and made it a point to help in any
way he could.
Which he most certainly did.
By this time, as you might imagine, my priorities had experienced
an immediate adjustment, and off I rushed to the scene.
When I got there, I immediately found Emily and gave her a big hug,
of course.
Next, a grandfatherly gentleman of about 70 caught my attention.
He was holding my son.
"You must be Dad", he said with a smile.
Handing my boy to me, he said, "There you go, champ...Your Daddy's
here just like we told you."
His wife looked on with utter adoration for her heroic husband.
Just then, when the dust cleared from the realization of how
thankful I am for not just the safety of but the very existence of
those closest to me, another gentleman caught my attention.
"You must be Mr. McKay. I just wanted you to know that I'm glad
everyone was okay. I saw everything happen, and have given the
police my story. Man, I really hate to see stuff like this happen.
Can I help you move any of your gear from her truck to yours?"
He had been at the wheel of another car nearby when the accident
occurred, but stopped to lend a hand. I thanked him for his help,
and took him up on his offer.
Just then, the police Sergeant on the scene approached and thanked
me for getting there so quickly. He was a stocky, stereotypically
Texan guy.
"Well, Mr. McKay, obviously any accident is a bit traumatic, so
it's great to know Mrs. McKay and your son had someone like you to
come fetch them up. Please know that we've all done what we could
to keep them comfortable until you got here, and we're busy filling
out the reports so you can be on your way as soon as possible."
Shortly thereafter, the tow truck arrived.
The first words out of his mouth were, "Man, is everyone okay?"
Upon reassuring him of such, he responded with, "Well I'm glad to
hear it. You've got enough on your plate...I'll take care of the
truck for you so you can concentrate on your lady and your baby.
All I need to know is where you want me to tow the vehicle, and you
can consider it done."
And it was.
I gathered Emily and Jr. into my pickup truck, with one more kiss
on the forehead for good measure, and took them home...driving with
extra care for some odd reason.
Once home, Junior quickly fell asleep for his overdue afternoon
nap. Meanwhile, I mixed my beautiful wife a SERIOUS "adult
beverage" and drew her a warm bath. Soon she was just as relaxed
as the kid.
"Thank you for being in my life", she said. "You were my knight in
shining armor today. Then again, you always are. You're amazing.
Thank you."
Of course, that series of words is among the sweetest in the
English language to any high quality man.
And sure, yesterday was a particularly wild day. And yes, I did
the right thing.
But the reason I'm bothering to write you about the whole brouhaha
is WAY, WAY more important.
And that's this: Literally EVERY OTHER GUY involved with what
happened yesterday afternoon DID THE RIGHT THING, also. And it
rocked the house.
Listen, there's a lot of press out there about how men are at BEST
wimps who fail to stand up when called upon.
At WORST, men are considered by a small but very vocal minority to
be little more than "Neanderthals" who care only about themselves,
consider a woman a disposable commodity, and generally make the
world a more miserable place.
But I tell you this: If you've read what I've shared with you
today and are raising your hand saying, "Wait, man...I would have
done the SAME THING were I there yesterday", I honestly believe you
more accurately represent the NORM than the EXCEPTION.
Most men want to do what's right. And to a man with his head
screwed on straight, "what's right" means being a helping hand to
ANYONE in need (man, woman OR child), finding solutions to
problems, and generally getting the job done...whatever that job may
be.
In fact, I think if you were to ask any of the guys who touched
yesterday's incident in some way, I think all of them would say
they were flat-out GLAD to help.
If you dug a little deeper, you may even get them to admit that it
made them feel just a bit MORE like a MAN to be involved.
Certainly Emily was appreciative. But even the glow on the
countenance of the older man's wife as he handed my boy over to me
safe and sound said it all.
So how about it? Were all these guys "Mr. Nice Guy" yesterday?
Absolutely not. They responded to an imminent challenge with
compassion and purpose. And that has "real man" written all over it. | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/17/2009 11:46:04 AM | | ^^ I'd shed a tear - if guys did that kind of thing. | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/19/2009 6:37:31 AM | This is true; really
1. Every blow job you give, adds one month to your life.
2. If you swallow, the protein is equal to five porterhouse steaks, but
contains only 150 calories.
3. A hand job a day keeps arthritis away.
4. Every ten minutes of dry humping is equal to ten minutes on the treadmill.
5. Doing it doggie style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6. Intercourse prevents divorce.
7. Regular fcuking releases Vitamin E, which increases the number of brain cells.
8. Sex eliminates headaches.
9. Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard" triples your
chance of getting into heaven.
10. Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a
diamond choker for your birthday.
| |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/19/2009 7:17:46 AM | 11. Facials make your skin glow.
12. Anal sex cleanses your colon.
13. Swishing before swallowing whitens your teeth. | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/20/2009 6:19:31 AM | An oldie, but worth reprinting:
A man riding his motorcycle was on his way along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/20/2009 8:18:39 AM | The first man married a woman from Nebraska. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Kansas. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Long Island. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher  | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/20/2009 9:22:47 AM | | A busty police-woman to the arrested man: "Everything you say will be held against you". The man: "Tits!" | |
|
| Women V/S Men
Posted: 11/20/2009 12:54:34 PM | They say "A womans work is never done"....... well maybe if they did it properly it would be!
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!" :-)
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool.... She doesn't like it.
If you tell a girl you like her but she says "I love you more like a brother", suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister!
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given! I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it though... and I got the bike!
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?" | |
|
|
| Page 5 of 6
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
|
Home
login 
