| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/12/2008 9:53:52 PM | | YEP..the bathtub! Walked in and waved to her like she was out trimming flowers! Damn, gives me the willies! | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/12/2008 11:25:02 PM | I was very close to my mother. I was an out of control, at risk teen and my mother spoiled me. My experience tells me that Sefra is onto something.
The mother knows early on how much power she has over her son.... and the right thing to do is to LET GO... the mother in your case isn't willing to do that.
When I turned 18 and graduated (barely) from high school, my mother’s wisdom prevailed. I got a decent job, and after the 3rd monthly paycheck she told me, “Since you have a job now, Your father and I need to start charging you room and board”. She knew I was earning enough to rent my own place. She knew that charging rent combined with my desire for freedom would be just the nudge needed to leave the nest. She had the strength and wisdom to know that this is what I needed.
Seeing this description of your ex-boyfriend relationship with his mother makes me realize he was probably denied an important right of passage.
We were living just 3 miles from her, and they would text and talk every night. He even spent 4 nites a week over there having dinner and doing stuff around her house for her.
Take it from a former momma’s boy, that is not normal. Living on my own and learning to take care of myself enabled me to reverse some of damage that inevitably results when a boy and his mother do not cut the apron strings. It is questionable to what degree your ex is capable of experiencing a normal relationship. My advice is to move on and count your blessings.
Message to mothers: Don’t make the same mistake! | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/12/2008 11:30:17 PM | ^^^^ Yep! Mothering isn't smothering. It's teaching and preparing (the same as any loving parent).
~ds~ | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/12/2008 11:32:09 PM | sounds like your taking this much harder than he is.
I'm sure it's the least of his worries with Mom putting a roof over his head and a hot meal in his belly.
I'd stop beating my self up if I were you.
in his defence it is nice to see a man treating their mother so nicely though. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 12:11:45 AM |
sounds like your taking this much harder than he is.
Of course,she is.
He's still got his Mother........................
Sorry,Op,to hear this.
I,personally have never been involved with a momma's boy......phew...............and, didnt realize its so prevalent...?
Texting her every night???? That's just freakin WEIRD.
 to you... | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 1:35:12 AM | I hear ya..been there...done that...spent ten years with a momma's boy...he kept throw carrots to keep me by his side...then I grew up and he didnt. He was still in his "I don't want to grow up " phase.
We looked for houses and planned to get married......but then he changed jobs..started courses in college and was happy living with this parents. He felt secure there...
I wasted my child bearing years on a middle age boy....I realized it was time to start another chapter in my life. Funny...never saw him again. No regrets. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 1:50:55 AM | Hmmm.... puts a bit of a different spin on the theory: "Watch how he treats/interacts with his mother. If he treats her well, and shows respect... then you know how he will treat/interact with you, as his s/o"
If you've heard that theory enough times throughout your life to use it as a 'proven' guide... Yikes
that's gotta screw with one's head when dealing with Momma's Boy, doesn't it. I've seen this theory blown to crap on too many occasions to come anywhere near proven.
He's doing the 'just got spanked/boo-boo lip pout thing?' **shudders** Sounds that way when you say he just leaves his stuff, and tells you to toss it all. Emotional blackmail, OP... you're supposed to act Mommy and rush to him with cookies, and milk, while patting his head and tell him he's... ***omg, gotta stop here... nausea alert***
I'm so sorry, OP... Hang tight... ((((HUG))))
... Loser? Far from it **breaks open the Pepto** .. that's what his Momma is trying to make you feel through her baby boy's actions...literal, and implied. **passes OP the Pepto** ... you won when you refused to share diaper duty with Mommy **omg... pass back the Pepto**
*** I mean, he's 35, and is lookin' like this dude -->  <-- standing at the foot of Mommy's bed Christmas morning.... ughhhh...  *** | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 2:45:22 AM |
I don't even know why we took it to the level of living together.
He was looking for a surrogate.
And he's 35.
He's not even close to 35........................................... mentally!
He tells me this is my fault. I think it's his Mom's fault.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three do.
It's all him!!!
If had wanted to truly be with you, he would have........physically, mentally and sprititually!
He's in a comfort zone neither you or anyone else can breach, until HE is ready to. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 6:34:20 AM |
that's quite a bad situation. even when mommy is gone, she'll still be in his head. Intersting quote as it makes me wonder how many are still "carrying the torch" which makes them emotionally unavailable and unready to smell the roses,free and undaunted with someone else. I felt as though I was dating a married man. He was emotionally unavailable. All the emotions were going to mom. The Norman Bates of the world, run Forrest,run. So very good points here and many more to consider in the dating game , in what they bring to the table as workable, and what is not, in finding a loving , healthy relationship. op, just chalk it up in the big sea of life's lessons and move on. We all been there and just keep your chin up and hopefully you'll find 'that one' who loves you first and loves you in what lasts.... Good luck. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 6:43:58 AM | | Wish I knew more about the situation. One thing I did notice, you seem to be in competition with his mother. Never a good idea, I know because I am the mother of 7 sons. Now if she was a demanding beotch that's different, but you just never compete with the mama. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 8:11:30 AM | Thanks to all of you who provided some good feedback. It's hard to believe I let it come to this. You are right, I suppose it's a good thing we didn't marry.
Every aspect of our relationship was perfect except for this. His Mom's need for him - constantly, never ending job lists for him, and the texting and emailing and phone calls, I don't have to deal with it anymore.
It's just going to be tough getting over him. Even watching TV last night was hard. You know the deal.
This forum has been great. Thanks so much -
Judi | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 8:44:09 AM | *hugs* Sorry you're hurting Judi but you will bounce back.... You seem like a good and sensible person too..
Next time around I'm sure you will find a man who doesn't have his balls in mommys purse...
good luck | |
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10of6
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Joined: 8/27/2008
Msg: 38 | |
| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 8:51:09 AM | I broke all my dating rules to date this guy 16 months ago. There's the beginning of the problem, right there. Then there's the delusions of seeing the signs and avoiding them, rationalizing them away.
I am amused by each post like this, especially ones where women pit themselves against each other in a power, control and domination struggle. I wish I were wrong when I say that loving relationships are nothing more than two people giving each other permission to dominate/submit to the other. You're right: it IS pathetic.
There is no such thing as love, but there IS power, control, manipulation, domination and influence, and possessiveness. No amount of sex can make up for this hell. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 11:46:04 AM |
Every aspect of our relationship was perfect except for this
perfection : another illusion many women strive for in a relationship.
was his mother a control factor you couldn't live with? just asking?
what was so bad about his relationship with his mother that you couldn't be with him?
It came down to you and his mother unfortunately it sounds like he was forced to make a decision here? | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 12:02:04 PM | I am sorry that you have your heart broken.
My take - He was raised in a household that respects parents, their needs and feels it is duty to take care of her. (Old German or Polish family maybe?). Old school historic traditions maybe...that is engrained in his upbringing....you just grew up with different values and loyalties to your parents. If you don't understand why he would help her first, then you may not have children or you may not have any referance points to understand the whys.
I was brought up in a home as well as my dec. husband to help our parents. You were not taught or brought up the same way as you so...I understand this. But, I could never judge you for being upset.... different training. SAD and sorry it will never work out for you....He can't change for you and you can't change for him or understand each others upbringing. He was taught to put others first and his needs last and appears to be a loving son. He was shown that respect to parents is first and you will be second unless you enjoy doing this together and can grow to be his helpmate not me first mate! Sharing in life and respect is all we have to take pride in. Chalk this up to being different people from different worlds | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 1:44:17 PM | I was married to a momma's boy. As Princess Diana said about her marriage to Prince Charles, "It's a bit crowded!" His mother's excuse for all of her intrusions was, "I'm concerned." Concerned, my derriere! She shoved a wedge between me and my husband right from the start and our marriage was doomed!!!
It's a good thing your relationship ended before making my devastating mistake! | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 1:49:33 PM | | One other thing: When my daughter got married and the minister got to the part in the service where he recited the verse, "A man shall leave his parents and cling to his wife and the two shall become one flesh," my sister turned around a GLARED at my ex-m-i-l!!! | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 2:12:32 PM | IME, there's a lot of rivalry between women and mom-in-laws/future mom-in-laws. I've always worked by the rule that you never come between a man and his mother, or a woman and her daddy. You'll lose every time.
I don't consider myself a momma's boy, but at 40, currently live with my parents. I got separated a year ago, and have been fighting custody in court. I don't want to move out until my divorce is final, and I find out how much I have to pay, and whether or not I can keep access to my kids half the time. That will play a large part in my decision as to where I'm going to live.
Both parents are still alive and at 70, quite active. They've rarely called on me for help with anything. When they do, I show up, period (although I have asked them to re-schedule a few times when I've had pre-arranged plans). Someday they'll probably need me more often, and I'll be there for them. If whomever I'm with at that time can't deal with it, the door swings both ways. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 2:43:11 PM | Did he at least leave behind any good bike gear?
LOL | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 2:46:50 PM |
When my daughter got married and the minister got to the part in the service where he recited the verse, "A man shall leave his parents and cling to his wife and the two shall become one flesh," my sister turned around a GLARED at my ex-m-i-l!!!
High 5 to good 'ol sis!....  | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 3:39:15 PM | A man shall leave his parents and cling to his wife and the two shall become one flesh>>>
**********
Is that a Bible quote? If so, I wish I could email it to his Mom. She did this. And he cries about being alone forever, and I told him as long as you allow your Mom to keep her head up your ass, yes, you will be alone forever.
I am devastated. This just sucks. I hate break ups and I hate the fact that I lost out to my b/f's MOM! | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 3:57:52 PM | ^^^^ it may be in the bible, as well as the marriage ceremony. I believe I've heard it at weddings (none my own - lol).
judir, don't think of yourself as a loser. you aren't. he's the loser. and you're right in telling him that as long as his mom has her head up his ass (great line, there!), he'll be alone forever.
give yourself time to grieve, because you need that step. loss is loss and it hurts. do what makes you happy, alone or with friends. look forward to 2009 - right around the corner! fraught with all sorts of possibilities!!! good luck, honey. you'll make it!
I bet within six months you'll be in a terrific relationship with a great guy who appreciates you!  | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 4:26:45 PM | "Devastated"............... 'kay.............. reduced to chaos, helplessness, disorder....
By who's hands? If you give him that much control, then sure, you can be devastated, but
then you allow all your power to be taken away. Instead, feel your sorrow, your grief, your pain... honor it for what it is, nothing more, and then GET THE HELL OVER HIM.
See, he was and is his mother's boy. He never fully allowed you into his heart, because his momma was taking that place. If you indeed had the perfect relationship, she never would have come between you.
So don't feel as though you lost out to her. You were never in the running darlin'. She was and is his number one. You didn't have a fighting chance because he never allowed you into the race.
"the race"..... see how crazy that sounds when you're talking about his mother?!?
What sucks is that you're feeling real pain. You loved a man that wasn't able to love you in the way you wanted. Read that again...... "in the way you wanted".... Once you give up your expectations of others, then the risk of being disappointed shrinks exponentially.
He wasn't ready to give you the kind of love you wanted from him. Whether or not he is wrong for allowing his mother to have the kind of hold she has on him, he still wasn't ready to give you what you wanted.
Your "job" now, after you have healed some, is to figure out why and how you attract this kind of man. Because in the end, we have to take responsibility for our choices. You chose a man who was unable to love you completely because of his ties with his mother. Why? What was the reason you chose and fell for a man, knowing this....
What's your part darlin'...... | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 5:07:49 PM |
Your "job" now, after you have healed some, is to figure out why and how you attract this kind of man. Because in the end, we have to take responsibility for our choices. You chose a man who was unable to love you completely because of his ties with his mother. Why? What was the reason you chose and fell for a man, knowing this....
What's your part darlin'......
Thank you, Bullie, for saying in a more feminine (empathetic & nurturing) and tender fashion what I was attempting to say to OP yesterday!
OP, you're in the beginning stages of the 'process'. Obviously, anger is a major part of that and with that, blame needs to be affixed....it's our nature. So, we've blamed him....his mother. The next stage will be to assess yourself....your part....your acceptance of your choices....your understanding.....your learning and growth.
So many get through the first stage and stop. The blame is on the other....completely. Their fault. What is learned from that? Bitterness? Predjudice? Fault finding? How does one heal with that left in their lap?
Like it or not, you were part of the relationship. Part of the dynamic. That, you allowed yourself to be. Take some time. Ride your butt off....release and rejuvination. Then think and ponder. You'll get there.
~ds~ | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 5:11:40 PM | ^^ did he leave any good stuff says dynadaze. haha
yeah, I was wondering that too....you might wanna pick through it OP....seriously, it'd be good to get rid of it, as it's just a reminder of him and that seems to be tearing you up.
I think Bullie lover covered everything quite well as far as the 'you can't really change someone, only they can choose to change what isn't working well' stuff goes. I agree with her words , makes the most sense...
I guess what I'm wondering is.....if you knew some...of this about him, going into it...and how tied he is with his Mother.....so that you are now bereft from losing this "momma's boy" as you refer to him. ,
What was the draw? of a mommies boy?
What did you see originally that was in it for you....? or, for him?
just wondering
Kimbo************************************************ | |
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