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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 5:15:06 PM | | The reason I fell for this guy that lived with his mom, is because he was my true soulmate, he was me, but in a guy's body and he said the same about me. We are both x-drug addicts, athletes now, and we had so much in commen. I kept telling myself that when he moved in, it would be different, and I wouldn't feel like competing w/ his Mom. But I was wrong. Now I see what I was refusing to face before. I see him for the **** that he is. For the Momma's boy that he really is, and how it won't ever change. The Mom's who posted to this thread, they are so evil, IMO. They have this hold on their son, and they know it, and they keep the bullshit going on. Those poor kids. And poor me. Now I gotta go thru this breakup, broken hearted, and don't know how to even begin to heal. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 5:36:55 PM |
Those poor kids. And poor me. Now I gotta go thru this breakup, broken hearted, and don't know how to even begin to heal.
*summons Bullie*
Bullie, please eloquently explain what I'm thinking right now. Thanks!
~ds~ | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 5:44:15 PM | | Was he asking his mommy for a bitty? | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 5:54:17 PM | First - I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Heartache really sux.
That being said, it strikes me that there were red flags that you ignored - We ALL have done it.
I kept telling myself that when he moved in, it would be different,
:( .. See, that's what I mean - "Things" should be 'all that' Before you move in together. If moving in together is something you think will fix or make things better, then that says the relationship isn't as good as you'd hoped. People do it all the time, move in together hoping things will be better, get married - same hope, have children - same same .. and That IMO is the trouble (or part of it).
Anyway .. I hope you don't think I'm "blaming" or judging you. I'm not. I really do feel for you and the children. I'm just giving my opinion on what you've written. My intention is definitely Not nasty or critical, I really do feel for your situation.
That being said - I agree with bullie who said you need to heal and take the time .. and Fill yourself up with you again . ..
Good Luck OP
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 6:08:40 PM |
The reason I fell for this guy that lived with his mom, is because he was my true soulmate, he was me, but in a guy's body and he said the same about me. We are both x-drug addicts, athletes now, and we had so much in commen. I kept telling myself that when he moved in, it would be different, and I wouldn't feel like competing w/ his Mom. But I was wrong. Now I see what I was refusing to face before. I see him for the **** that he is. For the Momma's boy that he really is, and how it won't ever change. The Mom's who posted to this thread, they are so evil, IMO. They have this hold on their son, and they know it, and they keep the bullshit going on. Those poor kids. And poor me. Now I gotta go thru this breakup, broken hearted, and don't know how to even begin to heal.
OP, sit down and look at what you've accomplished. You're an x-drug addict, you've kicked this awful addiction and are now an athlete. THAT is something to be proud of ! So he's a mamma's boy, he's not your soulmate, he's with his mom! He made his choice, he's made his decision. Accept it because you can't change it.
Self-pity is normal. You'll feel the void. What you're missing is companionship, is having someone with you. In time, someone else will take his place. Time will heal, nothing else will. Well, immersing yourself in your sport (sorry, not sure what it is) will help take the edge off for the time being. Use your anger effectively. When he comes back telling you how much he misses you and how important you are and how he will change, remember how you felt today and know that it will happen again if you take him back. Because if he's made his decision now, there is no chance in h*ell it will be any different later on.
You will survive this, we all do. And one day you'll laugh about this because at the end of the day, YOU have changed, not him. And nobody can take that away from you. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 6:16:15 PM |
Those poor kids. And poor me. Now I gotta go thru this breakup, broken hearted, and don't know how to even begin to heal.
OP, when you got out of bed today... showered and put your clothes on, did you also put an extra layer of victimization on as well? Lemme tell ya... that "victim" does NOT make a good fashion choice.
CHOICE. KEY WORD.
You make the choice, as you did when you choose to date this guy, to feel whatever you want. Wanna feel shitty, keep wearing that victim cloak. *even though.... it really doesn't suit ya....
You made your own choices, based on what you knew. Right or wrong, good or bad, you made 'em. Now you have the choice to either move on, feel your grief, learn your lesson and make better choices next time.... OR sit here and wallow in self pity and feeling like you've been wronged in some way.
In what way were you wronged? Did this guy promise to denounce his momma and love you more? Did you come to an arrangement with this "soul mate" that he would be all you expected and wanted him to be?
hmmm.....
You know about taking responsibility for your life. You had an addiction and are doing what you have to, to surrender to letting go. You can do that with this man as well.
Honor your pain. Then let it go. That's your power. That's your choice. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 6:25:14 PM | bullie, I don't know what you do for a living, but if it's not counseling of some sort, you may want to consider it. your comments and advice are well-thought out, well-expressed and right on the money. you rock, girl!  | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 6:25:33 PM | Judi......................hope you're taking solace from all the helpful advice/concern from the Posters here....
But,i was just wondering.......where's his Father in all this??
And,does he have any siblings....??
Guess im wondering why his Mum was/is so dependant on HIM to the exclusion of everybody else?
You sound a very grounded,sensible, lovely person who wont be single for too long !
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 6:46:15 PM | You must be a strong woman. Momma's boy's are almost always the victim of a strong mother who has controled them all there lives (either that or a bum who just doesn't want to work). They can usually only relate to very strong women and end up finding someone who seems like their mother. Maybe he thought that because of all the iron man training stuff and competitions. Anyway he discovered that you wanted a real relationship with him being the man and he ended up back with mother. I agree with the post that said that you arn't feeling empty because of him because he was probably never there. That feeling of a hole inside that is empty for me is usually because I have lost my spiritual connection with life and I feel all alone inside. I get this alot of times when I have high hopes for something and don't see the writing on the wall and try to force it to be what I want it to be because I am hardheaded and thought that it was the final solution and I didn't want to be wrong. Try re-establishing your spiritual connection with life in whatever way that your spiritual awareness has come to you in the past and see if that helps. Sorry for your pain but keep in mind that god gave us these tender feelings inside for a reason and so we always grow when we hurt or have great joy there. Good luck,
Bob | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 6:49:02 PM | Yea Bullie, and all posters, I appreciate all of your comments and advice! I don't normally do this, but when I googled "dating a momma's boy" these forums popped up. It is interesting to hear from folks who understand what I am going thru.
I have been at work all day (I work 10a-10p on Sat) and that's why I am on here, just agonizing over this and ****ing and moaning and playing the victim.
Yea, his Dad and Mom divorced when he was 18. His Dad remarried right away and the StepMom and Dad are close with Mom and they also have another son who has 3 teenagers. The whole family is very close. But even the StepMom knows he is a Momma's boy. When he announced moving in with me last summer, the StepMom laughed and said "and what does MOM think about this". His aunt also thinks their co-dependancy is unhealthy. So I am not the only one here who thinks he and her have a problem.
The last time we broke up, was in July. We split for 3 weeks. It was over the same thing - and we also broke up in April for a week over this same bullshit. So this is the 3rd time in 16 months, and we always split over the same thing. I don't think he'll come running back this time though, I think he knows I have had it with his Mom and their weird relationship.
I think that's why I am so "whoa is me" right now. Because yesterday I thought he'd come back to me. Today I think I am finally accepting the fact that it's over. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 6:57:42 PM | | Ive dated more than my share of momma's boys. Give up on him, try to forget him, trust me, they arn't worth it. At least you don't have to worry about a kid with him. I hope. Last one I dated left me in the lurch and the stuff he left behind made a really good bonfire. Then I started dating again a few weeks later. Maybe Im just harsh about them but when its over, its better to just move on. Good luck | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 7:07:52 PM |
I think that's why I am so "whoa is me" right now. Because yesterday I thought he'd come back to me. Today I think I am finally accepting the fact that it's over.
And it's probably why you're hanging on to his things and wanting answers that you're not getting....
As a recovering addict, you know how hard it is to let go. You understand the bitterness of wanting something you cannot have, and realizing that it's killing you, though you crave it....
And you also know the saying "Are you done now, or would you like some more"..... meaning, have you had enough pain, or would you like him to come back into your life and dole you out another dose?
Another day goes by, he doesn't come back, and what have you done for yourself? If you spend it agonizing, waiting and wanting what you can't have with him, you lose precious time that could be used healing, detaching and letting go.
Remember why he's gone. Get rid of his things and start moving forward. And when you get melancholy and start to dwell on what could have been, remind yourself that NO, it could NOT have been.
Find yourself again.... and then listen to your instincts as they scream bloody murder in your head next time....
Hugs,
bullie~ | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/13/2008 7:57:52 PM | Time heals...I know it NEVER seems like it, but I'm sure if you think back you felt this way about another break-up in years past. It's very much like CHILD-BIRTH...it hurts like a MOFO while you are going through it, but after ya get through it you barely remmeber it and you are ready to do it again!!!
You'll be alright sister! You have to be. We all are well aware when we get in a relationship there is only 2 possible outcomes:
1. You stay together until your dying breath
2. You break up.
That's it, what's funny is we are always CERTAIN that it is #1 and as probable as #2 is we still are DEVASTED when it happens and absolutly dumbfounded. As if it was never a possibilty. My point is sweetie, this is not the first heartbreak you've had and it may not be the last...but you will be ok, and perhaps thru each #2 you go thru, you will learn and grow and eventually find your #1!!!!! Hang in there SISTER!! | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 5:37:30 AM | you know, the two posts above by bullie and godezz are, of course, right on the money.
And I'm sure that our gal here will get it all....in time, for time does heal all.....it may not erase it all...but when we find out that we will survive and go on, it's like a new day,...a new life.,
However, Judi is in the mourning period...it is a fresh breakup,,....I remember getting all of this advice during my most difficult ending...but, it's easy to slip into the victim stance and want to whine a bit, in some way, it's all part of the healing.
and depending on the intensity of the involvement, I liken it to a wee child that is thrown into a strange situation or world that they don't understand......or often, how a little child who 'want's something and no amount of reason will resonate with them......you know, sometimes you just have to let them cry it out and wind themselves down from utter exhaustion. When a person gets to that point is when the healing begins.
Now, what would be very interesting, would be if OP would print out these responses of hope that she received here,......tuck them away somewhere.....and read them all again in about a year. Judi, you'll be amazed how your perspective shifts .....odds are extremely high that you will read back on them and go.,,,."wow!, I can't believe I was so stuck on that one!"
you'll get there, whether you want to , or not..... that's how it works,
Kimbo************************************* | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 5:49:53 AM | You'll be alright sister! You have to be. We all are well aware when we get in a relationship there is only 2 possible outcomes:
1. You stay together until your dying breath
2. You break up.
That's it, what's funny is we are always CERTAIN that it is #1 and as probable as #2 is we still are DEVASTED when it happens and absolutly dumbfounded. As if it was never a possibilty. My point is sweetie, this is not the first heartbreak you've had and it may not be the last...but you will be ok, and perhaps thru each #2 you go thru, you will learn and grow and eventually find your #1!!!!! Hang in there SISTER!!
Unfortunately, even if you eventually find your #1, it will hurt just as bad or worse, but eventually, you do go on and you will be ok. Hang in there, it will get better if you let it. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 5:55:34 AM | you'll get there, woman. have you thrown out the stuff yet? if not, do it! it's very cleansing.
the mama's boy I dated followed much the same pattern. "here I am....here I go...here I am again....oh, wow, there I go...." luckily, this didn't last long. my psychologist friend likened it to a little boy about 4 years old, running ahead of his mother on a street, wanting to be free of her but keeps looking over his shoulder to make sure she's still there. sound familiar?
dangers do lurk out in the dating world. keep your antenna up and listen to your intuition and those red flags!  | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 7:42:54 AM | Well Judi, obviously the healing has begun and you are on the right road once again. I understand you more than you think. I am an ex-addict and I married a mommy's boy and in the end, mommy won out after 10 years. The only difference I see in this situation is that I threw all of his stuff outside of the door, ALL OF IT!!!!
Every morning when my ex woke up beside me, it was to his mother's ring on the phone. The two of them had to plan their day together. I was always the third wheel and I actually put up with that for 10 years. I thought things would change too but they never did. I had two wonderful children by him and I chose to stay in the same town as him for the kid's sake. He has since remarried and he lives right next to his mom. I guess it helps to know he is of East Indian origin because in the end I had accepted that the difference between our expectations about what a couple is was mostly cultural. My son is 17 and we are starting to argue and are not get along so well. Yes, the right of passage has begun. He has to learn I am not going to be the mother that his father's mother has been. I know he already knows this in his head, but. I realize what responsibility I have as a mom with my son. My daughter is out living on her own and is studying at university. She left home at 17. I have always supported my children to be independent in every way.
I am still (in general since my divorce 16 years ago) in relationships with men where I am still not their number one woman (no not married). I realize that and I am working with what it is that I have to learn here. Every relationship becomes a little better. I am a slow learner I guess, and I am fifty. So don't beat yourself up about anything. I am still happy in my relationship. I agree with others who say we make our own choices and need to look at that. Don't we all learn from them no matter what they are?
Peace to your heart sister... | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 7:49:20 AM | I am amazed at the responses I keep getting on here. Thanks again.
Bullie - you should get paid for your advice!!
Today is the beginning of my weekend. I am off Sun-Wed - so this is gonna be the tough time. Lonely as hell. Except for my dogs and a training buddy or two. I will try to keep myself busy.
As far as his stuff - well, I haven't gone thru it all. It's painful. A couple friends said I should take it all to his Mom's and dump it on her front lawn. I don't think I'll do that, but I will be cleaning up, especially down in the basement where his bike shop was. He left so many tools, bike parts, just stuff. I can't believe he doesn't want them back.
I just feel like he's going to want this stuff back in a couple weeks - I feel like if I throw it all out, I don't know....I will feel guilty.
Who knows.
I just need to make the time go by, maybe date, and heal. My heart is just BROKE.
Thanks again.... | |
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VF102
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Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 69 | |
| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 8:14:53 AM | Hey! What's wrong with a momma's boy?!?
OK, I am JUST teasing! Gosh!
Yeah, your ex has issues. Find a new boyfriend.
Jason | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 9:03:13 AM | Hope you heal quickly.
He tells me this is my fault yeah...isn't it always? | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 9:17:12 AM | | It's sweet if a guy has a good relationship with his mum but, if he expects her to cook, clean, iron or anything else he can do himself when he reaches ADULTHOOD then only 2 words will be spoken from me... SEE YA!! | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 10:54:57 AM | Hey Judri,,I'm all for the keeping busy, but girl, leave the "dating" part out..you are NOT ready, OBVIOUSLY. That might just hurt someone who really like you! As I and others have stated..time heals girl. Each day will be a little less and less, you'll have good and bad days.....but you're strong, you got this.
And Sherrberr..read my post again about what a #1 is...if you find them and it hurts, then it isn't a #1, it's a #2!! LMAO Confusing enough??
It makes me all warm and fuzzy to see the out-pouring of comapssion for Judri....way to go everyone! | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 11:17:31 AM |
I just feel like he's going to want this stuff back in a couple weeks - I feel like if I throw it all out, I don't know....I will feel guilty.
throwing his stuff out would be petty childishness, let him pick it up out front or mail it. | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 11:25:38 AM | Any man who leaves his "Kahoona's" in his moms knitting basket and goes off to "play house" with a woman is a "nothankyouverymuch" in my book.
He tells me this is my fault. I think it's his mom's fault
Sorry OP...it's your and his fault....His for not cutting the apron strings and you for thinking he would.
I am in no way being mean to you, for you yourself said "I don't know why we took it to the level of living together" You knew he was a momma's boy. You are better off without him! | |
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| Momma's boy
Posted: 12/14/2008 11:45:22 AM | as for his stuff in the basement: many times people leave things behind so they have an excuse to go back or contact the other person in some way. it's a hook, don't fall for it.
perhaps you can enlist a friend or two to chuck the stuff? if Wunderkind calls, tell him he and his stuff are history.
I love the reference another poster made to this guy leaving his balls in his mother's knitting basket! what a laugh! good one!! I love these forums!!
judi, hang in there. take the dogs for long walks over your days off. get together with your training buddies and do whatever you do with them. allow yourself time to grieve. you'll get through it!  | |
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