| |
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/16/2008 2:09:34 PM | He lives in a dump and is bound to stay that way. I thought all he needed was a good woman and a boost up, but now I see otherwise.
I take it you learned a valuable lesson in that you can't "fix" a person and hopefully understand that you can't jump from one relationship to the next without working on yourself. It was your low self-esteem that caused your to take up with the carpenter. I hope you finally see that. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/16/2008 3:12:14 PM | Op: You need to step away from these two men. Leave them both alone. Then you need to learn to be happy in your own skin.. This means that you must learn to live and survive by yourself until you feel happy with your own company. Do not get involved with another man until you have taken the steps to learn who you really are know that you don't need someone for you to be happy. Seek your friends and family for emotional support. Go to Alanon.. there is a chapter near you, learn about co-dependency (you are co-dependent) Learn how to forgive yourself and these two men.
If you are back with your "abusive alcoholic husband" at this time know that you can't fix him.. If you insist on being co-dependent and staying then Alanon will teach you how to at least cope without enabling his addiction... you are as unhealthy right now as both "your" men are. Once you come to terms with that fact.. you'll start to heal and be happy in your own skin. . . If you don't take any of this advice.. you'll remain in the hell you're in now over and over again ~ with any man you end up with. You aren't emotionally or mentally healthy you will end up with unhealthy, emotionally/mentally bankrupted partners while you are in this state.
I don't mean this post to be mean or vindictive.. I wish you the strength to do what you have to do.
Best
~ Wishes ~ | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/16/2008 5:09:40 PM | "I love the lazy bum carpenter"
Do you love him enough to support him? Or does his laziness anger you? If you choose the latter, you probably don't love the guy as much as you think you do. You love him in the way you dream of him to be, the way he has no interest in being.
Look at him without blinders on, you will get over him quickly.
But what amazes me is that I don't think you have any idea that what you have done may not have been a very nice thing. Did your husband know at any time that you were cheating on him? Does he know now that you did? Does he know that you probably only connect with him in order to keep a financial security door open?
On this site, the folks have a word for that. Player. And you have been a player.
No doubt the carpenter is also one, and maybe your ex. But does that excuse your part? Can't you see that you were somewhat responcible for how this played out? | |
|
Indi85
|
Joined: 6/12/2008
Msg: 30 | |
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 2:14:21 AM | | LOL I love the responses in this thread, and to be honest with you, almost everyone in here is absolutely right. Its one thing when a few people think otherwise, while others may side with you, but when EVERYONE is telling you that you screwed up and are getting what you deserve, then there's some wisdom in that. Get over yourself, you screwed with other people and in the end got screwed yourself. You cant come here looking for sympathy, the truth hurts, people aren't being cruel to you, they're being real. Get over yourself, realize your mistake and move on with your life. | |
|
Pezra
|
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 31 | |
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 8:24:36 AM | This probably makes me a bad person but I am glad you are hurting.. I'm glad you got what you deserve.
It renews my faith in the saying 'what goes around comes around'. You're a selfish cheat who has no thought for anyone else around you. You post proved that.
I hope the pain youre in lasts and you learn a valuable lesson. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 8:59:51 AM | People have been cruel to you.
Loneliness lead you to make poor choices.
I have the confidence to let go when things don't work and face being alone.
I don't know what the public hopes to accomplish by throwing stones at you.
Courage is what you need. Courage to be alone. Courage to walk away for good from those who mistreat. Courage to recognize and admit when someone is only using you and unable to care.
Many people, I think most especially men, do not have the confidence to make a clean break and try something with a new partner before letting go of the old one. Bad choice, but human. I've certainly known other people who were not evil but made hurtful choices of misleading people about their relationships, seeing other people at the same time while each of the people thought they were in a monogamous relationship. I forgive them but would not choose them for companionship as I would not feel I could trust them.
Monogamy is about wanting and needing to be special, and committing you attentions to one person. Be the person that is trustworthy, but do not give your trust so readily.
It doesn't sound like either of the two men you saw treated with the respect and love that a healthy relationship should have.
Be open, honest, find strength and confidence outside of romance.
Best Wishes and pay no attention to the noise of the hurtful, wounded voices in the crowd. What they said is not about you, its about their own fears.
Good luck. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 11:19:16 AM | ^^^Yes, people can be very judgmental. She made the mistake of not leaving the abusive husband first, getting her life together, then trying to establish another relationship. The carpenter was nothing but an escape route for her.
Many of us have been in her place and an easy escape would have been tempting. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 11:41:06 AM | "I love the lazy bum carpenter and thought if he truly loved me he would strive to be a man and support us"
Then you don't love him, you love an ideal that you have built up in your mind and that's the only place the person you love exists.
If he was someone you loved you would accept him for who he is and not keep trying to change him. Change in a person in a relationship happens because that person cares enough to change consciously or because they don't realise they have changed. You can't FORCE that change.
"I may sound selfish to you, but if my marriage was good I wouldn't have left it to begin with. I was hurt regularly by him and when I married him I vowed to be a good wife to him and I was until I had enough."
Fair enough but then why go back to him when you couldn't mold the carpeneter into what you wanted.
Whilst i wish you no ill will and appreciate that you are hurting OP you need to take responsibility that YOU are the cause of a lot of your hurt by the choices you have made. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 11:54:07 AM | girldiver, As I see it>
Married 20+ years. Has an affair, divorces husband,
Leaves ex-husband for carpenter
Surprisingly enough, life not great with wood boy, apparently doesn't talk to new guy but leaves him a "dear john letter" (how compassionate is that!)
Leaves woody for ex-husband. . .
. . . but continues to see Woodrow anyway
Then ditches ex-husband, second time for those not counting, for the wood man, until he leaves again . . .
. . . but she then continues to see both the ex-husband and woody
We have a name for this on this site. She's called a PLAYER. A player who got burned by a fellow player, the aforementioned woodworker, but a player none the less.
If she was a 21 year old guy, you'd be nailing his onions to the wall.
With all the destruction and pain she left in her path, she's not a sympatric figure. At all. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 11:57:58 AM | | ^^^I don't think she was a player. I think she was confused with low self-esteem and made bad choices. A lot of people who get branded "player" make bad choices without thinking about the consequences. Players enjoy playing. I don't think she enjoyed this at all. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 12:12:15 PM | Girldiver
You may be right. I don't think she enjoyed this game at any point. And we don't know how the ex-husband reacted to this. Maybe he didn't care, which would render my concern moot.
My main heartache is that she appears to have zero empathy for the ex-husband and the pain she (most likely) caused him. At some point, she should have said this carrousel is unfair to the ex and I'm not going to do it any longer, but she didn't.
I've been at the business end of the self-absorption and it's not pretty. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 3:40:14 PM | | She should have went for the mechanic there not lazy and make good money. ROFLMAO | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 6:19:51 PM | | Slty, I am serious when I say this, find a good counselor and a support group for abused women and work on finding your integrity. You have been brain washed by an abusive man and you have totally lost yourself in the process. You cannot get involved with a man with the intention that you can save him (i.e. the carpenter) and change him. You stayed in the marriage partly because of this and partly because of your dependency. You don't need to be on Fish. You are not ready for a healthy relationship. Work on yourself first. Good luck. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 6:35:44 PM | | You are entitled to one-half military retirement pay. I am sure you got that in the final divorce decree by filing the Department of Defense Finance paperwork. So, in the end, you get to spend his retirement on other guys. Consider him worthwhile for something! Not to mention that he probably has suffered with some post-traumatic stress syndrome from the war. How many did he see killed in the war? How close was he to his fallen buddies? Alcohol may deaden some of the memories. I am glad you are gone from one another, but you need to get happy alone and by yourself by taking some classes or joining a good church and making some good friends. Forget about men for a while. Enjoy your freedom. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 11:05:35 PM | OP ---
You have bad taste in men but good taste in****ails. That looks like a gin martini. If you knock back a few of those, you will forget just about everything.
As for the carpenter, after he nailed you, and then he got board | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/17/2008 11:50:59 PM | Oh Sitydog...what a tangled web we weave!
If you want my honest opinion, you need to take a hiatus from men. You've definitely lost sight of what's important...and I fear you've also lost sight of logic and morals in general. Men can't make you happy. Obviously.
But I know for a fact that you will NEVER take a break from men, because people like you never do. They line up one man before they leave the other, and that's just the way it is.
It may be cruel, but I'm so glad karma is alive and well for someone out there! | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/18/2008 2:34:45 AM | | As the saying goes, YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!!! You cheated on your husband and now that guy's cheating on you. Awwwwwwww, too bad. Pity party's over, I'm going home now. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/18/2008 2:45:24 AM | | Your a shitty person, I hope you get hit by a bus. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/18/2008 8:26:55 AM | OK guys and girls, let us not forget that Karma is always watching. Even though she showed bad form by what she did yours is almost as bad by hoping bad things for her. Nasty nasty nasty! Lets just hope she learns something from this and does get some qualified help. These bad thoughs and feelings will show on your souls like mud on your feet. It seems to me that some of you need to deal with some of your own issues. Do not judge lest you be judged. and no I'm not a bibble thumper.  | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/18/2008 9:00:54 AM |
You are entitled to one-half military retirement pay. I am sure you got that in the final divorce decree by filing the Department of Defense Finance paperwork. So, in the end, you get to spend his retirement on other guys.
Good call smileee4u!
After you cheat on the guy and screw him over, make sure you **** him out of his retirement too! | |
|
Pezra
|
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 47 | |
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/18/2008 11:54:59 AM | logan3693699 - People who treat those around them like they're crap then post a pity party online don't deserve compassion from others..
I don't care if you think I'm being nasty! Karma obviously was watching - she got what she deserved. Hopefully the carpenter will be next to get whats coming to him.
Bad things happen to good people, it makes a nice change to hear of bad things happening to bad people. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/18/2008 12:28:26 PM | I'm not saying she deserves pity AT ALL she does not she does not even deserve forgiveness because she does not show any remorse for what she has done. But wishing bad upon someone I wrong, the bad will come all by itself. Mostlikeley by ending up cold and alone in the end. As for the woodie sounds like he is on his way to a nasty STD. Yes maby it serves him right but that is not my call nor anyone else that breathes air.
sometimes bad things happen to good people. This is true but maby it happens to punish someone else or to wake them up ect. We as meir mortals never get to see the whole picture.
I turn 41 this march and I have just opened my eyes and started to look around.
If you look you will also see more good than bad.
Sorry to sound so preachy, so don't slam me too hard lol. Luck and Love to You. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/18/2008 1:39:32 PM | I know I am just 20, but I also know that it appears I know a fair more about relationships and how they work than you do. I'm going to try and address these points individually, and do not ignore me due to my age, because I'm smarter than you probably assume.
- You say that you thought you were content with the drunkard war hero (alcohol problem does equal drunkard), and you tried to glaze over the bad with the good.
That's like saying you're trying to pain crap with gold paint. All it is, is painted crap. That was your first mistake. You should never try to gloss over it like that unless the good outnumbers the bad, and even then, it should outnumber the bad by a vast quantity.
- You say you were attracted with the carpenter, and sent him an email saying you were smitten, and went out with him, WHILE YOU WERE MARRIED, and after a year of this, divorced your war hero husband to be with the carpenter.
Okay, so many things here. You should never date someone else while married. This is one of the reasons people are nailing you to the cross. No matter how bad someone is, unless they're cheating on you, they don't deserve to be cheated on. I'd also like to guess that you forgot to mention that he cheated on you, as well, as that seems to be the most common response to my previous sentence. I'm guessing it wasn't a date, wait a year, then see him again and divorce. You cheated on your husband for an entire year before divorcing him. That too was a mistake, because you should've divorced him before the carpenter even entered the scene if you were that upset in the relationship.
- You love the man, you say, more than anything, or as you put it "until the day you die," but you refuse to support him, as he cannot support himself. You paid for his clothes, dental, electric, etc etc.
I'm guessing you're very old fashioned, because you don't want to support a man, as you say later in the paragraph, but I'm guessing you think he should support you. I also bet you're a feminist who believes everything should be 50/50. In case you haven't figured it out yet, then means support is 50/50 as well. I realize that he wasn't giving his share, but that should've been the clue before you asked him to move in with you. That probably would've been the best thing, because now you make him sound worse, but he was that way prior to you, if I had to guess.
- You left him a dear john letter, then moved back with your ex, with which there is no love, but there is security. You then moved back in with the carpenter, and apologized, and he continued his ways.
Sorry, but did you happen to lose your memory during this time? Or was love blinding you to his habits? Because his habits were the same. Love may not cost a thing, but it sounds like HE was costing you a fortune. You made a mistake by moving back in with your ex, because that was asking for heartbreak. Thats like going back to your crib because there's bars, but no room for comfort.
- You invited him back into your house to observe him.
Do I really need to explain this? *sigh* Like I said, his habits remained the same.
- He promises to work. He's on the computer and practices guitar for hours, wrote songs, fixed equipment like new, and he's not filling out applications, not locating job aspects, and not helping with your business. So because he's the same as he was last time, he's out.
Guess he broke his promise, hm? I guess you're suprised, hm? Shouldn't be. History tends to repeat itself, and he was history before, but now he's back, and not changing at all. So you kick him out.
- You continue seeimg him and your ex again.
You get security from the ex and love from the bum. Find someone who gives you both.
- So you call the carpenter and he and you have dinner and you get your hopes up. So Friday you get a call and he has an excuse to be by himself. Saturday, no answer to your calls, so you go over and see him at his computer with another girl.
Yeah, brilliant all around there. Thursday, you open your arms, Friday, you get an arrow just above the heart, Saturday is bulls-eye.
- Says he lost his other phone, gives you the new number, asks you to stay and watch the movie. You say no.
Okay, people lose their phone, it happens. Maybe you should've stayed and see how he behaved around the both of you together. You could've figured out a heck of a lot that night.
- You call the next night, and he's not alone.
Oh well. maybe his roommate was there. You only asked if he was alone. I guess you meant, though, that the girl was there. Unless you really did ask if he was alone, and he said no, meaning his roomate was there.
- You are fed up. Should've expected it. You think he should've given you some notice, and tried. He worked when someone called him, and his place was a dump. Now you're hurting bad. Wish it'd go away.
Honestly, yes, you should've expected it. You gave him fair notice, but you also played his feelings like a pipe organ. You already laid out that he's a bum. No use crying over. Yeah, he wont change. The hurt wont go away soon, because you did this to yourself.
To be quite honest, you brought all of this on yourself. It's as people are saying. What goes around, comes around. Karma's a b!tch. | |
|
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/18/2008 2:08:37 PM | | Ehh she's a shitty person. I cant judge her, im not just pulling it out of know where, it is deserved. As far as karma, thats for hippies | |
|
Home
login 
