| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/28/2008 4:41:47 AM | Take it slow as the other have said....chances are to be taken if you want a mate....thats exactly what public places are for too....In private if your that worried,,,take defense classes....Your young...you will figure it out...take your time! | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/28/2008 8:06:07 AM | | if youre scared that your friends will rape u , u should probably start hanging around other people | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 1/5/2009 11:55:13 AM | thank you ear to hear, I have actually spread my wings a little lately and was glad I did. Got a few snuggle hours in with a guy I really liked and felt completely safe with him. My little fears are fading away. I am still keeping my head about me but it is slowly untangling itself as far as being comfortable and trusting my decisions. I feel better for the advice here, thank you
KAT | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 1/5/2009 7:42:54 PM | Dont worry about it. It wont be long before he does you in like you fear he will   | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 1/5/2009 9:42:08 PM | two words: damaged goods
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
two words: retarded post | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 1/12/2009 9:38:52 AM | | jess, quite frankly you sound like an ***hole, trust your instincts OP and the right one will not scare you one bit. Have fun, be safe | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 1/12/2009 9:44:36 AM | With enough therapy and proper meds:
and the right one will not scare you one bit
Jess is just being honest and saying what many others are thinking! | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:26:02 AM | there are plenty of things you can do.
don't let just 1 person know where you're going, let 2 - 3 people know. sometimes things happen, and your friend who said they would be there waiting for your call may not be. phones go dead/get lost/dropped in water/etc. they could get drunk and go have their own good time, or go to a movie and may not hear it ring. they may get in a car accident while driving down to the store and not be able to answer. having backups is a good thing.
the rapex kit that OneMoreTimeWithFeeling mentioned is a good idea, especially for the first few times you meet someone....just for the love of all that is holy, don't forget you've got it if you do decide to have consentual sex! 
always let the person you're meeting know that you have given your friends/family all the information you have about them when meeting them for the first time. if they seem at all irritated or insulted about it, RUN!
if you have a cell phone with a camera built in, take a quick snapshot of the guy's car & licence plate when he's not looking, and text/email it to your friends. you can usually tell if the car is a rental or not, as they usually have stickers in/on the car somewhere, and if the car is customized in any way (custom wheels, paint job, etc.), chances are it's theirs.
set at least 1 scheduled check-in time with whoever you are using for your safety back-up, if not more, and the "code phrase" for help that UrsulaMajor mentioned is a really good idea....."i'm doing great...don't wait up for me" or something along those lines.
always meet in a highly populated area where there are lots of people around to help you if needed. if they insist on going somewhere "a little more private" and you're not feeling it, end the date and take a cab home, or call a friend to pick you up.
and you can always go on a double date for your first meeting....tell them that you would feel more comfortable if your friend and her significant other came along with you. if they are not OK with that, then you shouldn't be OK with him. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:13:49 PM | | It's quite sad how some women fear this kind stuff. Sooner or later your gonna have to get over it. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 7:36:47 AM | | Its happened twice to me, not on POF though. I take precautions as much as I can, its the luck of the draw. Unlike the poster who stated: that predators pray on the weak, no they take their chances, they can be suave and charming, and turn vicious and vile. Go with gut instinct always. Try to be sober always, keep your drink with you or throw it out on your way to the bathroom at a bar, etc. I dont think about my past experiences in my present, I like to believe they were their control issues and not my fault. But you need to play it safe. My two attackers were people I knew. One I was attracted to and another I was not. They both forced their sex unto me as a weapon and power play. Get into their mind before going out, learn to read them well and notice the signs or hints along the way. When a person tells you who they are, believe them. Example: all my exes think I was the ***hole. Hm.. I wonder why? Do I want to know. No Thank you. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 7:37:37 AM | | Syndicate, I noticed you are not very empathetic to posters and women in general. Unless you go through this crap, you will never know. So think about what you say before you actually do it. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 7:48:17 AM | Simple solution: Date guys you want to have sex with.
Also carry mace. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 8:37:07 AM | | No dude I didnt want to have sex with got angered by the fact I did want to have sex with him, and was into severe and unusual pain infliction. So ya never know when they turn the Jackyl Hyde scenario. But in hindsight the mace would have helped, if he hadn't locked the door from inside, xcept there was a side door near the bathroom when he got up to go use, I made a run for it. Then calmly walked in denial to the train station. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:18:27 AM | Unless you go through this crap, you will never know. So think about what you say before you actually do it.
I don't think you have to go through something to have an opinion about it. My opinion is that the reason some women spend so much time worrying about this has a lot to do with attempts to demonize and vilify men and less to do with rape itself.
There's a lot of hysteria among women regarding rape that's perpetuated by feminist myths, such as one in four women on college campuses has been raped and that rape is only a crime about power, not sex.
Rape is bad, and shouldn't be tolerated. But worse things happen. People die in car crashes and come back from wars mutilated and with limbs missing. People suffer severe physical injuries from non-sexual assaults and arson. Most rape victims don't suffer severe physical injuries.
I sympathize with rape victims to a point, but not those who wallow in victimhood or turn into misandrists.
OP, don't give in to the hysteria. If you're that worried about it, then take protective measures. Or do what the guy above suggested and don't date men you don't want to have sex with. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:42:35 AM |
When is the best time to take that next step in meeting at eachother's homes and how do you overcome the fear of being taken advantage of?
If you have a fear that is THAT strong, you shouldn't be meeting or dating via the net (first of all) and you probably shouldn't be going to any man's house. Sounds like your fear is going to override good judgment and that is never a good thing. (Living in fear with keep you from living at all, you might want to address what the underlying cause of all of this fear is.)
I find it hard to trust people in general. With all of the weirdo's out there how can you truly judge who would be okay and who could possibly be dangerous?
Yep. There are weirdo's "out there." You'll find them in police uniforms, school teaching jobs, lawyers, doctors, on street corners and likely right in the neighborhood in which you reside. How can you weed them out? Before you trust anyone, trust YOU. Next? Take classes on self-defense, body language, become informed in whatever way you find best for you. Other than isolating yourself from the world, you have to live with weirdo's, stop being afraid and become pro-active so you can actually LIVE. JMO  | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:23:07 AM | wow°! I mean ... just wow!
Are a lot of women afraid of this? I have oodles of female friends, none I would ever make any advances towards... all feel completely comfortable coming over to the house, inviting me to theirs for cooking/dvd night, whatever. Even women I just meet sometimes have this same trustworthy feeling... but then again, they may not have a fear of that but maybe wanting something to happen, therefore approach it differently.
The more I am on this forum, the more I hear about "meeting in a public place, rules of contact and how it should be done, etc."..... am I ignorant/naive? Do a lot of women have this concern?
For a first date or meeting, even a 2nd, third... i would never have them over anyway... cooking for someone or spending that alone time is rather intimate... then again, every situation is different... some people's first meeting it might be a very mutually-physical attraction thing and their technical first date might be at one or the other's flat... | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:59:13 AM |
The more I am on this forum, the more I hear about "meeting in a public place, rules of contact and how it should be done, etc."..... am I ignorant/naive? Do a lot of women have this concern?
I think that most women have these thoughts. When the average 15 year old boy is stronger than the average adult woman, the reality is that women are more physically vulnerable. And there are still enough men out there that think if they push long enough, she will say yes. Quite a few women have walked away from a situation that could have gone bad really fast if they werent careful and did some pretty fast talking or had a convenient bathroom break. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:09:42 AM | | I've had a couple of women tell me that they view every man as a potential rapist. While technically true, that's just downright bleak. If you're going to look at life like that, you may as well consider every person in the world your potential murderer and become a hermit. I'm always aware that a man could hurt me - but I don't assume they will. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:26:33 AM |
If you live in fear, if you live in a state that you will never be able to trust, eventually what you fear will become true.
If you learn to trust, if you learn to recognize trust, you will never have to fear.
That is also true not just with dealing with men by women, but with dealing with other people. In other words, you have to learn to trust, you have to let go. That does not mean that you are not careful, but it means that you give them the benefit of the doubt.
So if you want to hang out with guys, do so. State up front your intentions, meaning you are just hanging out. Then if you have that trust, even if you or that other person get drunk as sh!t it shouldn't be any problem.
I disagree with this. Firstly, one doesn't control what OTHERS choose to do. If a man is going to rape you, he's going to attempt to rape you, period. Whether you feared it. Whether you were whistling in the wind with an easy going disposition.
That men rape women is a reality we all must face as women. There are certain things you can do to protect yourself but it's even more important to learn how to discern situations where you are improving your odds.
For one thing, studies indicate that alcohol/drug usage and rape are very closely linked so avoid settings where your friend will be intoxicated to the point where he is demonstrating bad judgment. Stick to sober moments with guys if you're going to enjoy their companionship.
Also, don't give off signals you don't want returned with significant interest. Many women make the mistake of suggesting a great deal of sexual material to the conversations while never having the intention of outright having sex with the guy and he may misconstrue that as meaning that you are highly sexual and would just jump at the chance. I've had this happen a few times, only to realize that my approach was the mistake. I had no idea that talking about sex equated me having to GIVE him sex. Don't fall for "put your money where your mouth is" routines. If he's coming onto you and you haven't given him any signals to do so, get out of the situation immediately.
Rapists have a mentality that "if you just give it to me, I wouldn't have to to do this" so listen closely to the things they share and talk about around women. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Get his attitudes around sex and women out in the open so you can see what kind of mindset he brings to the table.
If you're not hanging out for sex with him, don't wear provocative clothing (yes yes, I realize we should have a right to but let's get real here) or he'll likely take that as a hint that you want it...you just want him to take the initiative. Initiative in the wrong hands can lead to disaster. KNOW the guy before you put yourself in vulnerable situations with him.
Further to this, I've had men on here send me messages asking if I'd like to go for a drive through the country with them and so on without even having exchanged more than a few words. This is absolutely ridiculous and a pretty good indicator that there are some men out there who have absolutely NO idea how dangerous that can be for a female. Some don't even realize that ANY sex without consent is actually rape!
If you know the guy well, know his friends/family or acquaintances...know where he works and what kind of life he has outlined , chances are you're in capable hands. If you meet someone who's a total loner, you know nearly nothing about but "SEEMS" nice...don't be a fool. You aren't being responsible.
Yes, there are men who rape out there. It has nothing to do with you fearing it. It has nothing to do with you doing something to cause it. It has EVERYTHING to do with mental illness. Rape is a psychotic behaviour. We average approximately 1 psychopath in every 200 persons.
And don't let any guy tell you that you NEED to trust. That's bullshit. THIS ISN'T A WOMAN'S F*CKING PROBLEM! THIS IS A MAN'S PROBLEM! And don't expect a man to "get" it if he is making your fear YOUR problem.
Don't make women own it... | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:35:10 AM | Canoga77: Rape is bad, and shouldn't be tolerated. But worse things happen. People die in car crashes and come back from wars mutilated and with limbs missing. People suffer severe physical injuries from non-sexual assaults and arson. Most rape victims don't suffer severe physical injuries.
I sympathize with rape victims to a point, but not those who wallow in victimhood or turn into misandrists.
OP, don't give in to the hysteria. If you're that worried about it, then take protective measures. Or do what the guy above suggested and don't date men you don't want to have sex with.
Now there is an "empathetic and intellectual" POV. Lets put you in a jail cell with a few cons that have not had a piece of azz in some time, and see if you feel/have the same mindset.
Pathetic.............. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 12:03:00 PM | | How about seek some therapy and don't date. I certainly would not want you fearing me during a date. I think you should deal with you fears in a controlled environment. Might have to forgo dating for a while. All the best! | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 12:15:04 PM | | Its not about living in fear is about prevention. So I dont fear my dates otherwise I wouldn't go out with them, and I take control of the situation quickly. Like one poster said, you have to talk quickly, and make a run for the nearest exit if you are feeling uncomfortable. Age and experiences teach you to hone in on your instincts. I just keep my eye open for anything and everything. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 1:51:46 PM | | The reason so many women fear this is because so many women have had it happen to them. The 1 in 4 number actually seems pretty low compared to what I have heard just in my circle of friends. Rape is more common than most people seem to realise. Just look at the posts here for the reasons why. Some men belittle the experience (it's not so bad), some, both men and women take the blame the victim tactic (don't talk sexually unless you are prepared for sex) and some seem to think it doesn't happen that frequently. Wrong, wrong, and wrong again. | |
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| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 10/19/2009 1:59:48 PM | | If you're that afraid of getting raped by every man including the mailman, maybe you need to seek treatment instead of being on a dating site. | |
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