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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 7/9/2009 6:17:49 PM | Two Blind Pilots
Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the c*ckpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the c*ckpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die." | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 7/9/2009 7:50:30 PM | OK - One for the ladies to relate to:
TRY & PUT YOURSELF IN HER SHOES, THIS IS HYSTERICAL! (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the****ns out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...... | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 7/9/2009 7:52:26 PM | OK - One for the fella's":
> Chili Cookoff > > If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope > for you. I was crying by the end. > > Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to > the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. > For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. > They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes > around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio > City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who > was visiting from Springfield, IL. > > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I > happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions > to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the > other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that > spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the > tasting, so I accepted". >
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event: > > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... > > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. > > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. > > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. >
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... > > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. > > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. > > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. >
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... > > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. > > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. > > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. >
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... > > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. > > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? >
> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... > > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. > > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. >
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... > > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. > > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. > > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. >
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI.. > > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. > > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. >
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... > > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. > > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? > > Judge # 3 - No Report | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 7/15/2009 11:38:49 AM | THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
Then the bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God. You can demand she have sex with you."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
Sure enough the nun shows up at the appointed time and keeping the hood low about his face, he says to her "I am God. Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 7/16/2009 8:54:09 PM | A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.' | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 7/17/2009 3:47:42 PM | Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said: "THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?"
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life; they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don’t have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am." | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 7/28/2009 7:20:28 PM | An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? "
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, " Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... not if I'm gonna to have to explain it five times." | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 7/30/2009 9:36:32 AM | The Fire Truck
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" | |
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imbir
| Joined: 7/28/2009 Msg: 60 | |
| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/7/2009 11:24:25 AM | Check your Wal-mart receipt
Be careful and read your receipts…. > OMG! YES! THIS IS TRUE! It happened to me at Wal-Mart (Supercenter Store #1279, 10411 N Freeway 45, Houston , TX 77037 ) a month ago. I bought a bunch of stuff, over $150, & I glanced at my receipt as the cashier was handing me the bags. I saw a cash-back of $40. I told her I didn't request a cash back & to delete it. She said I'd have to take the $40 because she couldn't delete it. I told her to call a supervisor. Supervisor came & said I'd have to take it. I said NO! Taking the $40 would be a cash advance against my Discover & I wasn't paying interest on a cash advance!!!!! If they couldn't delete it then they would have to delete the whole order. So the supervisor had the cashier delete the whole order & re-scan everything! The second time I looked at the electronic pad before I signed & a cash-back of $20 popped up. At that point I told the cashier & she deleted it. The total came out right. The cashier agreed that the electronic pad must be defective. Obviously the cashier knew the electronic pad was defective because she NEVER offered me the $40 at the beginning. Can you imagine how many people went through before me & at the end of her shift how much money she pocketed? This could probably happen at any store where they will give you cash back so be cautious.
Just to alert everyone. My co worker went to Milford DE Walmart last week. She had her items rung up by the cashier. The cashier hurried her along and didn't give her a receipt. She asked the cashier for a receipt and the cashier was annoyed and gave it to her. My co worker didn't look at her receipt until later that night. The receipt showed that she asked for $20 cash back. SHE DID NOT ASK FOR CASH BACK. My co worker called Walmart who investigated but could not see the cashier pocket the money. She then called her niece who works for the bank and her niece told her this. There is a scam going on. The cashier will ask for cash back and hand it to her friend who is the next person in line. Please, Please, please check your receipts right away when using debit cards. The store has the cashier under investigation now. We can only pray that she is caught very soon.
I am adding to this. My husband and I were in WalMart North Salisbury and paying with credit card when my husband went to sign the credit card signer he just happen to notice there was a $20 cash back added. He told the cashier that he did not ask nor want cash back and she said this machine has been messing up and she canceled it. We really didn't think anything of it until we read this email. Please be aware
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/7/2009 12:14:20 PM | ^^ Although offtopic to the general "humor" theme of my thread I do have add that yesterday I brought groceries at a local store and notice on my reciept a charge for grocery item that I never brought. Cashier said it was an error and I was refunded the amount. hmmm.. error eh?
So... yes, check ALL your reciepts!!! | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/8/2009 12:23:57 PM | Chilli Cookoff~I'm still wiping my eyes...
I received this today...
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head****d to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!! | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/8/2009 1:27:10 PM | Enjoy this one: ------------------------ I had to take my son's hamster to the vet
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He is just lying there looking sick", he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.) "Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh", my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" My son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?!" "I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed.
"Well, it is just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know" she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience" I announced. We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know, "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don it think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I am saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie is just...just...excited?" My wife offered.
"Exactly", the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. In addition, giggled then even laugh loudly.
"What is so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I am picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...", she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough", I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie is really thankful for what you've done, Dad", he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea", my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.
Enough said. ---------
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/11/2009 5:37:58 PM | Do you ever get the feeling the politicians are blowing smoke up your ass?
Tobacco smoke enema From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The tobacco smoke enema, an insufflation of tobacco smoke into the rectum by enema, was a medical treatment employed by 18th-century European physicians for resuscitating drowning victims and other purposes.
The stimulation of respiration through the introduction of tobacco smoke by a rectal tube was first practiced by the North American Indians. In 1745, Richard Mead was among the first Western scholars to recommend tobacco smoke enemas to resuscitate victims of drowning. One of the earliest reports of resuscitation by rectally applied tobacco smoke dates from 1746, when a seemingly drowned woman is reported as being successfully revived after, on the advice of a passing sailor, the stem of the sailor's pipe was inserted into her rectum and air was blown into the pipe's bowl through a piece of perforated paper.
To physicians of the time, the appropriate treatment for "apparent death" was warmth and stimulation. For this purpose, artificial respiration and the blowing of smoke into the lungs or the rectum were thought to be interchangeably useful. The smoke enema was considered the most potent method, however, due to the warming and stimulating properties associated with tobacco in the pharmacopoeia of the period. At the turn of the 19th century, tobacco smoke enemas had become an established practice in Western medicine, considered by Humane Societies to be as important as artificial respiration. In the 1780s, the Royal Humane Society installed resuscitation kits, including smoke enemas, at various points along the Thames.
Smoke enemas were also used to treat various other afflictions. An 1827 report in a medical journal tells of a woman treated against constipation with repeated smoke enemas, with little apparent success. According to another report of 1835, tobacco enemas were used successfully to treat cholera "in the stage of collapse". In 1811, a medical writer noted that "the powers of the Tobacco Enema are so remarkable, that they have arrested the attention of practitioners in a remarkable manner. Of the effects and the method of exhibiting the smoke of Tobacco per anum, much has been written", providing a list of European publications on the subject.
By 1805, the use of rectally applied tobacco smoke was so established as a way to treat obstinate constrictions of the alimentary canal that doctors began experimenting with other delivery mechanisms. In one experiment, a decoction of half a drachm of tobacco in four ounces of water was used as an enema in a patient suffering from general convulsion where there was no expected recovery. The decoction worked as a powerful agent to penetrate and "roused the sensibility" of the patient to end the convulsions, although the decoction resulted in excited sickness, vomiting, and profuse perspiration.
The use of smoke enemas in Western medicine began to cease after 1811. In that year, Benjamin Brodie showed through animal experimentation that nicotine, the principal active agent in tobacco smoke, was a cardiac poison prone to stopping the circulation of blood.
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tobacco_smoke_enema (where you can view two diagrams of Tobacco smoke enema devices). | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/11/2009 7:28:37 PM | http://news.globaltv.com/Must+watch+Adopt/1882279/story.html
I got this link. It is so funny. It is about a pit bull named, Ginger, who cannot stop licking the News Anchor. | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/11/2009 8:34:59 PM | May 30th: Just moved to the SUNNY OKANAGAN. Now this is the place to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 30 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sunworshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stunk up the upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the Fritz and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $500,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th: Its 115 degrees! Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 20. I hate this stupid city.
Aug. 8th: If another wise-ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat. Aug. 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny! Hot and sunny! Hot and sunny! It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert?? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 40 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. FREAKING OKANAGAN!! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??
Will write later to let you know how the trial went. | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/11/2009 8:46:27 PM | | I got a piece of mail from Telus telling me that they owed me $8.59, which was two months overdue, with an envelope that I guess I am suppose to send back to them with how I want them to pay me. Crazy people at Telus... Crazy. | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/11/2009 8:56:30 PM | I have no idea what I did to Telus but they owe me over 85o dollars. It is just a credit. I would rather have the money but my phone bill/internet is payed for a while. Yippee  | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/13/2009 1:38:39 PM | Last week I checked into my hotel in Atlanta and was a bit lonely so I thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books, like escorts and such."
I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! I figured, "what the heck, give her a call."
"'Hello", the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy. Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night, tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"' She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/13/2009 1:55:07 PM | Free Sex at the Redneck Gas Station
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/14/2009 1:32:49 AM | Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.... Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.' | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/16/2009 12:27:41 AM | An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
" I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else Pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly." | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/16/2009 7:23:58 PM | Martian Sex
Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money,
Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?".
The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensued, and passion and lust and desire to experiment built and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night.
Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.
"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.
"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.
"Wow! That will do just fine!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples met, husband and wife reunited, and went their separate ways.
As soon as they were alone Mike asked Maureen, "Well, the sex with the Martian ... was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. I didn't ever imagine I could be so satisfied by an alien! How about you... was it good for you?"
"It was horrible for me," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/16/2009 11:26:31 PM | Don and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Don headed home frustrated. The following day when Don's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Don. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Don?" "I didn't have to," Don replied. "Last night when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, Surprise ! " "When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, " Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and do whatever you want , " SO HERE I AM " | |
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| what i got in my mail today Posted: 8/25/2009 4:19:12 PM | Clay Balls A man was exploring caves by the Seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls.. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake. They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could.
He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock . Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!
Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left..
Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!
It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.
We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy. But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.
There is a treasure in each and every one of us. If we take the time to get to know that person, and if we ask God to show us that person the way He sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.. May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see the people in our world as God sees them. I am so blessed by the gems of friendship I have with you. Thank you for looking beyond my clay vessel.
APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE THING YOU HAVE, ESPECIALLY YOUR FRIENDS! LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND FRIENDS ARE TOO FEW!
Pass this on to another Clay Ball!!!
'Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to MOVE your Feet' | |
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